1 Year relationship, unsure what to do.

[matador1972]

Im in the midst of a quandry. Ive been with my girlfriend nearly ten months, we get on brilliantly, spend a few nights a week together as we both have kids. We both get on really well with each others kids as well, mine are older, hers are still very young.

 

She says she still is in the honeymoon phase, I can tell that she is, when we walk down the street, i catch her just looking at me, or sometimes she gets a look that she is about to burst with happyness.

 

The problem is, while I love her and have a lot of fun with her, i feel she is a bit too needy. I was out at the weekend, she was funny the day after, I couldnt understand why, then she finally told me i didnt text her enough on the night i was out. I feel she was worried i was having a good time and perhaps mixing with another girl while i was out (i wasnt).

 

I told her i felt she was being extremely controlling and it was ridiculous for her to be upset about it, I feel there is more to it than she is telling me, she claims she is still in the honeymoon phase while ive moved past that and she loved when id go out but still keep in constant contact with her.

 

I dont want to hurt her but i feel perhaps we are both looking for different things and it may be better for me to go my own way, but I dont know, I feel i would regret it if i did it, Ive never broken up with anyone before (previous relationship i was dumped after 17 years).

[OrangeMoon]

Please talk to her...be honest about what you are feeling. truly honest. Because that is what you need to be when you are thinking about leaving. You know that we each bring our own baggage to the table when you enter upon a new relationship. if she's full into her honeymoon phase transitioning into the next one always comes with doubt and discovery.She needs to feel safe and you want to deattach a little, because you already feel safe. So why not discuss your true feelings with her?

 

Why entertain these feelings of breaking up, if all you need to do is communicate? Is there something else going on?. Do you really love her enough to help her let go of the neediness or is that something that is a total dealbreaker for you? Many women suffer the same problem you know.

 

I do feel that the fact that you have stated that you were dumped after 17 years is a major factor in your decisionmaking. Dumpees can be turned into dumpers out of plain fear of having to experience the same hurt they once did. Don't embark on that same road.

 

Why is she needy? Have you really talked to her about where her feelings come from? Have you really had those deep conversations about your pasts and the hurt that has been suffered. Why immediately see her as controlling? Yes..in a way neediness is a form of controlling behaviour..but it doesnt have to come from a bad place. She needs to learn how to let go and ease into the new phase..and you need to learn to meet her halfway and not run too fast in a different direction.

 

The phase that you are in now..is all about getting used to the detox of the honeymoon..she reacts with getting needy..and you react by being upset with her and needing more distance. But all you need to do is talk with eachother and settle new agreements of how you are going to deal with the transition in a way that feels safe for the both of you. Its a dance..and sometimes you will step on the other one's toes...but you will get there. Because if you survive this phase..you will have a wonderful woman and family surrounding you for a long time..

 

I really hope you want this to work and give your relationship a true chance. Because otherwise..every little mistake she makes will never stand a chance in your heart.

 

So really think about what you want to do.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You need to spell it out to her that when you are out in the evening for a few hours, you are not looking at other women, you are simply out to have fun with friends and that she is going to have to accept that you are not going to start texting her while you are with your friends because that is rude to your friends. It would give the impression that you don't enjoy their company. You need to tell her that her insecurity is something she has to deal with or else it will get in the way of this relationship.

[kuteknish]

Hey Broken.. why do you think that she "is funny" the day after you spend time together? Are you affectionate with her? Do you show her that you care about her or are you already distancing yourself? I think you need to speak honestly with her.. don't wait for her to bring it up, as this may cause an increase in her "neediness" if she sees you are pulling away and not telling her anything.

[kuteknish]

Hey Bluesavers... I read what you wrote here.. "What is happening here is that you are afraid of getting hurt so you are trying to take off. I am sure you have been looking around as well. Listen, leaving a relationship is not virtue of courageous men and please understand that wherever you go, you will take YOU with YOU. You will have the same problem in the next relationship. Giving up is ultimate failure."

 

would you say that this is a fear of intimacy?

[kuteknish]

interesting theory... where do you know this from? what's your background?

[abitbroken]

When you go out, does she sit home alone just worrying?

 

If the weekends are "your time" to be with her, make sure you carve out specific "us" time. Since my bf and I work odd shifts, the weekends are really the only times we get, so if anything comes up where someone else wants to do something, we are a package deal or we don't do it. If he or I have to take care of something, we do it during the week or before seeing eachother on the weekend. Maybe your "days" are different than ours are. Also, if you set a precedent of always going out on certain days, the other maybe thinks something is wrong if you break those plans.

 

I think instead of calling her needy - do some exploration. 1) Be proactive. If you are going out on a friday or saturday night - make alternate plans with her. Meet up with her afterwards or do something nice before. 2) did her marraige on because her ex partied or went out and cheated on a weekend night? Maybe she has memories of that. 3) Are you going somewhere where you could be unsafe? Bad part of town? Or would friends be drinking? Perhaps she has real reason to want you to text her - it lets her know she is okay.

 

I think that you should not dump her if she was upset that you didn't text her that one time you went out. Every relationship has its growing pains and if you always text her when you are not together, even if you aren't out with the guys, you helped set up the precedent that you do text her all the time - so it took two to tango on that one.

 

I would encourage each of you to pursue other interests outside of eachother - book club, cooking class, that the other is not involved in if you feel you are spending too much time. But you really can't "tell" her to do this. You just have to do it.

 

I don't think you are "looking for different things" just based on her wanting contact. If she wants to have 12 more babies and wants to marry next month and you don't - that is wanting two different things. But one person wanting the other to say "hey, I'm okay" on a saturday night" is really not. Its just a matter of fine tuning things.

[matador1972]

I wouldnt say i have a fear of intimacy at all, on the contrary really, Im not bringing anything from my past relationship into this one either, Im not scared of being hurt again, Im a big boy, I dusted myself down and got on with it.

 

I found out a bit more about what was bothering her, as well as the lack of texts thing, her best male friend, who she has been friends with for nearly 20 years, declared his undying love for her on Saturday night by text, we go out every few months with her friends, including this guy, im not sure what i do with that information, he's a lovely guy, maybe im getting in the middle of something that should have always been? Either way, its something that i could have done without.

 

Friday night is our time together, we only have one night a week where she doesnt have her kids, we spend the night together as always, but we always see each other a good few times each week, Im not a big party guy, I maybe go out once every 6 weeks or so.

 

Her previous relationship finished as the guy was probably the polar opposite to me, very selfish, very self absorbed and didnt really care about her or anyone else's feelings.

 

She says now she's sorry, that she was really silly to get upset over a lack of texts, she wanted to be there with me (she was supposed to be initally but her babysitter dropped out), so she was feeling a bit sorry for herself, then with her friend texting her, it made her angry with him.

 

Im very confused, part of the problem, she wants to run while im content to walk, I know her feelings for me are stronger than mine are for her and id love nothing more for that to be on an equal footing, but its not, not for me, not yet anyway.

[matador1972]

I do appreciate all the comments though!

[kuteknish]

Hey Blue... It looks like you joined today so I can't PM you yet.. but I would like your opinion on my "situation"... I think by tomorrow you should be able to PM

[OrangeMoon]

Im very confused, part of the problem, she wants to run while im content to walk, I know her feelings for me are stronger than mine are for her and id love nothing more for that to be on an equal footing, but its not, not for me, not yet anyway.

 

So take your time...but talk to her and tell her that you need to take it slow, tell her about your observations and your feelings towards what you are experiencing right now. And after you have spoken from your heart, let her reaction be as it may.

 

Chances are that she might feel hurt, distance herself a little in order to rebalance her feelings. But in order for you to stay on track of something real, your first obligation is to get real..not just for her but for yourself as well.

 

It ofcourse could well be that in the end you were not meant to stay with eachother for long, but you will never really discover that if you don't decide to be open and honest. Otherwise..like blue said..you will take yourself into the next rels and have to face the same problems all over again..but in another package.

 

So talk to her..sit her down quietly..and ask her to listen to you, and have her explain to you what she got out of that and settle new grounds on which to proceed further. Not just your needs but hers as well. Its a two-way street here.

One of two things will happen...your relationship will change for the good of it..or it will change for the bad. Because in the end in her own personal growth she will decide whether these new steps fit her, if that is what she wants, if she is content taking it slow...Ask her about it. Because if in her heart she wants to take it to the next level, stepping down will be very hard for her.

 

But only she can decide if she wants to truly go there (and not just to please you or hang on to you)

 

But before you have this conversation ( and I hope you will)... make it clear to yourself what it is really you want. Because I am confused a little...

 

Take in consideration..that the kind of love you shared with your ex or whomever you have loved before, might never be returned in your life again. Can't look for the same kind of feelings anymore. It will always be different..could be deep,strong or any kind of good feeling..but searching or waiting for that intense love..might be something you will not find again.

[matador1972]

Thank you for that. Actually, I never properly experienced love in my marriage, i never got back what I put in, i desperately wanted it but my wife was just not an emotional person who would share things with me.

 

My girlfriend is the exact opposite, she is very loving and we have a lot of fun, we both have a lot of baggage around us (her kids, my kids, her ex) which all put pressure on us. I just want to take things slower, and enjoy my own time I have at the moment, I know in a year or two if we end up together we will have all the time in the world to be together, im enjoying having time to myself at the moment, to see her one or two nights a week for me is ideal (while she wants me 7 nights a week).

 

I suppose i set a precident, when we were going through the honeymoon phase we did see each other nearly every day and would have sex nearly every day which was great while it lasted, but i dont feel like i need that anymore, so i can understand why she can be acting a little strange at times. I do understand now more what was going on in her head, i was worried it was a lack of trust in me being out, she said she was looking forward to being there and ended up not being able to go.

 

Ill speak with her on Friday and tell her where I am, and see where we go from there. I do appreciate the advice

[kuteknish]

I wish my ex would have discussed with me before making any decisions... he wasn't much of a communicator and I think he wanted to "walk before running"... but I wanted to run... walking would have been better.

[abitbroken]

Matador -

you say you aren't bringing anything from the past relationship to this one - but you are. If your wife was an unemotional person and you really wanted love, well now that you have it, you don't know what to do with it, or your reaction is to push it away a little bit. I think that i understand her behavior now - if I was supposed to be there with my bf, I might feel a little sad that I wasn't. It really paints a different light on things vs her freaking that you are going out. To me, if I was the one going out and my boyfriend couldn't find a baby sitter and it was "our night," I probably would have rescheduled for the next night with my buddies and said, "honey, its okay if the babysitter bailed, why don't we hang out with the kids and once they are asleep have a romantic dinner.." To my boyfriend and I - our night is our night. We can go out with others on that night or meet up with friends, but spending time with each other is the main focus. Or I would cut the evening short and go see him once the kids were asleep. He doesn't have kids but nephews he helps out with, but sometimes its the same difference.

 

As far as a "relationship talk" - if this is an isolated incident - it might not be necessary to have a huge heavy talk...and just let the relationship flow. Though addressing things early are always good.

 

Anyhow - as far as the "friend"who professed his love. Firstly, if he really loved her, in the 20 years he would have done something about it. number two, some people only want someone else when the other one is "taken". They are jealous. And three, someone could have been drunk. And just because ONe of the people expresses feelings doesn't mean the other one feels the same. Any interpretation that you may read into it of that they are supposed to be together is insecurity on your part, or something to get you off the hook, as it is imagined unless its "real". It will be normal for her to be shocked/weirded out or surprised and let her be. But it seems like she didn't choose him - she chose to be with you.