Want to win her back.

[Mr. Six]

God knows what her motivations are man.

 

People do things like this all the time. The meaning of things are only obvious to themselves and no one else. This is a war of emotions and like in any war, you want to confuse the enemy. She is doing that very well.

 

So what can you do but roll with it? Let the things that truly do not matter slide.

 

Maybe it's a joke that she came accross or an inside joke between her and her mates.Maybe it was aimed for you, maybe it wasn't. Whatever it is, does it really matter to you? Don't worry about it unless she says it to you specifically to your face or in some other form of communication directly aimed at you. Like I said, give her a break from your thoughts. Go out there and do something constructive, thinking about her will drive you even more nuts. I know it's hard because I expect IMs and emails from my ex-girl all the time and I kept on being her doormat for a long time. You've got to break the hold that she has on you. Once you break it, you can see more clearly again. Then you can plot a better strategy to get her back.

 

Best of luck man.

[kitten]

I know, it's nearly impossible not to think about though. Plus that's just so.. out of character for her. Her usual messages are links to some news story she thinks is interesting, or something actually pertinent to being away ("I'm at work", "I'm asleep") or whatever. This.. was just odd. Not even punctuated, which is odd for her as well.

 

Still, I *am* living my life, such as it is. I really am trying to get out more, even if it's just to go to a friend's place or drop in on my mother. Anything to get out of the house and stop thinking about her for a while. And I know that by now, since I've had the time to think about what went wrong, if she came back things would be different. They'd be better.

 

But at night when I'm just sitting around, there's nothing to do besides sit in front of the computer and obsessively reload away messages and think about what the heck's going on.

[Mun]

Hi Kitten,

Did you say her Bday is coming up? Don't get her a gift. I'm not even sure you should acknowledge her Bday at all.

 

I think you should ( and I think you already have) ask her out directly. As in " What are you doing this Saturday, I thought we could go see a movie, What do you say?" she will have to say NO or YES, but do not let her change the subject or ignore the question. Be direct and be confident. She will have to answer.

 

I think her aim message is directed to you. You say it's out of character, and I agree with everyone who says she wants a reaction from you. I think they are right.

 

Keep doing what you are doing about visiting mom and going out with friends. Keep living your life.

[Mun]

PS. Where do I find that aim link thing? I had not heard of that. Thanks

[kitten]

Afterthought: It's really hard to convey confidence over IM. If I could do this in person, well, then it wouldn't be an issue in the first place.

 

I dunno. Since the only communication we have these days is IM, I'm just text on a screen. It's too easy for her to not see the changes I'm trying to make and the effort I'm putting into making myself better. It's too easy for her to ignore something I say, or get distracted by what's going on around her, or otherwise find ways of avoiding having any sort of meaningful interaction.

[Mr. Six]

I say compromise. This will show that you've changed in person.

So give it a few weeks and like Muneca said, ask her out ; and if you want, you can get her a little birthday gift to show her that you care and you're a gentleman. If you do this, you don't need the letter. You have to play this very cool though and I think a few weeks No Contact is in order to get your confidence up and so you can play aloof and indifferent convincingly. When you do ask her, I agree with Muneca, it's a yes or no situation. Don't let her beat around the bush.

[kitten]

NC is so confusing.

 

I can definitely see the benefits in staying away to help you heal, but at the same time, it's hard not to instantly respond when my ex makes contact. Just knowing that she's still trying to communicate with me, even if it's just small talk, also kind of helps. It hurts at the same time, though, like it's a mere empty shadow of what we once had.

 

And the other point of NC -- that of trying to make the ex miss you -- is also confusing. You know the old sayings, but they're contradictory: "Out of sight, out of mind" and "Absense makes the heart grow fonder." Well, which is it? I don't know.

 

Sometimes it feels like if I don't talk to her for a while, she'll miss me, and after a while I can swoop in and try to reintroduce myself into her life.

 

Other times, she'll IM me, and I'll feel like if I don't respond, she'll eventually figure I'm just being a jerk, or don't care, or something.

 

And though I realize that part of NC is to make the person think you don't care (e.g., you're doing okay without them), it seems paradoxical. You want them to think you're doing well and don't need them, but you also don't want to give them the impression that you've totally left them behind, because then they'll move on too.

 

I don't know.

 

She IM'd me a few links today while I was out. I responded when I got back, but she wasn't there either. This is the first she's tried to contact me at all in about a week, and I don't know if I should have responded or not. I basically just acknowledged the links and sent one of my own and left it at that.

 

I miss her.

[Satch]

People,

 

The point of no contact is to help yourself get through your emotions, NOT to make your ex miss you. If your ex does miss you during your no contact phase, then it is a bonus.

 

No contact is to allow you to regain your strength. Regaining your strength will allow you to approach your ex again with a clear head. If you wish to get back together with your ex, the absense of emotions and neediness in front of them will do you well. It will make you appear stronger and more confident. This may well attract them back to you.

 

I haven't phoned my ex for 30 days now. I haven't emailed her for 28 days. I haven't seen her in 15 days. In this time, she has phoned me 4 times. I asked her last time if I could call her this week. She said "yes, that would be good." Translation: "I would like to speak to you again, and I am looking forward to it."

 

I will call her tonight to catch up and keep it light. I will also ask if she would like to catch a movie (as a friend - but I won't say this). I am now trying to create positive moments with her. Moments that she will look back on and think about how much fun she had. This may lead to her finding feelings for me again that have recently disappeared. I will not talk to her about our relationship or emotions, unless she raises them.

 

My point is that you have to sort your self out first, then you have to work sensibly at getting your ex back. Good luck.

[kitten]

That makes a lot of sense. But I feel like I'm strong enough to face her again and strong enough to go out with her and keep things light and positive. It's only been a month or so since she dumped me but it didn't take long for me to figure out what the root of the problem was.

 

I guess I'm saying that I don't feel like I need NC to gain strength or cool-headedness. The problem was a relatively simple one and I've already made some great steps forward to solving it, and will continue to do so.

 

I just wish she'd be willing to spend some time with me now and then so she could see the result of my efforts. At this point NC, which I'm not adhering to well at all, seems more like a ruse to make her miss me than to gain my own strength.

[kitten]

My paranoia grows in leaps and bounds, though I'm trying so hard to suppress it.

 

It's almost 1am here, which is well past the time she would normally be asleep, what with work and classes and all. Yet she just came online, made some idle chitchat with me, and mentioned that she should have been studying for finals but instead has been drinking beer all evening.

 

When I hear that, I think "...with my new guy" at the end, though of course I say nothing and imply nothing.

 

Then after a moment she goes idle again without a word. Of course my instant thoughts are "she left the computer cause the guy showed up" or something.

 

Thinking this way is partially what got me into trouble to begin with -- jumping to conclusions, accusing her of seeing someone else when I had no definitive proof. But though I try my very, very best to know I was wrong, there's always that tiny shred of doubt in my mind that maybe I was right, and she was seeing this guy.

 

And since we're not together anymore, I have to "right" to be jealous or anything, but what's right isn't always what's real. The thought of her with someone else makes me insane. The thought that she wouldn't be willing to give me another chance, when we had something very special, because she's too busy screwing around with a complete loser, makes me insane. Yes, I have no "right" to these feelings but I have them anyway.

 

Nghk.

[kitten]

Her away message at the moment says, quote "getting tipsy and gorging myself alone."

 

I have *no idea* how to interpret that. I have no idea if she put that up with the intention of me seeing it. I have no idea whether it's some subtle hint, or if she's just lamenting that her roommate (the guy I was initially suspicious of) isn't around.

 

It's confusing. Any ideas?