Has anyone degraded themselves so bad to there ex but still got them back?

[ned2010]

they say there are 5 mistakes you make during a break up and they are what you should avoid, sadly i made them all and even when trying to be stronger i still managed to make them but abit differently

 

i think am trying to hard but i kick myself after

 

has anyone degraded them selves so badly with these mistakes but still managed to get there ex back with NC?

[ToF]

It really doesn't happen very often, sorry. If the dumper truly loves the dumpee, then it wouldn't matter what they did after the break up (to a an extent). They would still love them. But then, if the dumper truly loved the dumpee, they would not have broken up with them in the first place.

 

I thought you were getting over her?

[ForumGuy]

I did the pleading thing for a couple of weeks, then have been NC for the past 8 months with no plans now for ever reconciling (hard to believe, but true!!). She has contacted me several times over these months and I quit responding about 4 contacts ago. The respect level of the contacts has risen with each one. This being said, it reinforces the theory that over time, NC is the best thing someone can do to put this self-degradation into the history file and start going the other way to regain respect from your ex as well as self-respect. Doesn't really answer your question, but might be worth something.

[ned2010]

my ex is complicated, she tends to push those she cares about away and blame them for it, so i dno how my ex feels, maybe she dont care at all

 

im gonna live my life, but i aint sure im gonna get over her

[ned2010]

NC is the best thing someone can do to put this self-degradation into the history file and start going the other way to regain respect from your ex as well as self-respect. Doesn't really answer your question, but might be worth something.

 

it does answer my question but in a different way

[ToF]

If she isn't acting as if she cares for you, then you can only assume that she doesn't right now. That should make it somewhat easier to get over her.

[ned2010]

with any other girl yeah, in the past wheneva i let her go we always end up talking again and she wants to know again

 

that might not happen again giving we are both getting older, but its all confusion

[ForumGuy]

maybe she dont care at all(

In the beginning of NC, I didn't think my ex gave a hoot about me. It turned out to be the opposite when, after a few weeks, she contacted me and told me she loved me and didn't feel good about herself. You will get over her....so many on here have felt hopeless and come through it well....with time (yuk...time!)

[ToF]

with any other girl yeah, in the past wheneva i let her go we always end up talking again and she wants to know again

 

that might not happen again giving we are both getting older, but its all confusion

 

Look, I'm not saying that she doesn't care. What I'm saying is that thinking that she still does care, only keeps you hanging on to her.

[ned2010]

its a shame, im a nice, flirty and funny guy, the sorta person my ex likes, but because she went distant after like i had lost my usefulness and she had better possible bfs to talk too and couldnt let me slow her down, i had become desperate and abit of a soft suck up and have been trying hard to build back a close relationship of sorts with my ex but she seemed to hate that i was trying to do that

 

tbh i dont think my ex had a good reason for dumping me apart from long distance and her wanting more that she couldnt have with me

[WockaWocka]

It's not clear to me what mistakes you made after breakup but I'll assume they involved begging, pleading, etc. Unfortunately as you know this only makes it easier for the dumper to distance themselves from you.

 

I know the first thing any of us thinks about is how to win them back. But NC shouldn't be tried as a strategy to bring your ex back, rather as a way to help yourself grieve, heal, and move on.

 

If later down the road by gaining self-respect and distance she feels attracted to you again it's just icing on the cake. But fundamentally by picking up and moving on you've made great strides forward.

 

good luck.

[ned2010]

Look, I'm not saying that she doesn't care. What I'm saying is that thinking that she still does care, only keeps you hanging on to her.

 

that is true, i cant honestly tell you why i put up with it all because i dont know myself, why i feel bad about the idea of doing anything with another girl because it would hurt my ex in some way, even if it is a selfish way with her

[ToF]

its a shame, im a nice, flirty and funny guy, the sorta person my ex likes, but because she went distant after like i had lost my usefulness

 

Her leaving made you feel useless? I think this is a major problem for you, right here. If your usefulness (and probably other things) is based entirely on her, her presence, and her approval, then you will never be happy. Perhaps you should make it a goal to try and build up your life and your self esteem without her. If not, then your next relationship will most likely have the same problems.

[ned2010]

well she made me feel like i wasnt needed anymore, she was on a mission to find a bf and didnt want a friend so i should go away and let her look for a new bf

 

i put girls before myself, i mean the amount of things i did for her, poems, roses, necklaces, love letters, more loyaty then she could ask, dozen other things and basically was abit of a push over, which she is the sorta girl that likes that sorta guy, its all cute and whateva

 

i dont know why she means so much to me, its so weird, but all i can do is try and improve myself and be happier with myself but i do love her

[tha16thletter]

Staying out of contact shouldn't be to win anyone back. It should be to get yourself back. I agree with TwistOfate... if you feel useless and inadequate without her, you clearly invested too much of yourself in that person. I felt this way too, at first. Like I was a zero. What's funny is, before I met her, I was one of the "cool" guys, too. Funny, flirty, attractive... I was always a guy that women kind of went after. In fact, she went after me. But somewhere down the line I threw all my cards onto her side. And she took them, played them, and then left. So this guy that I was, was completely in her hands. I felt useless and lost.

 

Well, let me tell you... when you stop contacting someone, you really can start to think about them in the truest light. You see what was good about them, but then you look up, and you start to see the bad, too. It gives you a much more realistic perspective on the relationship and the situation, and maybe even you'll see they weren't right for you! I haven't got to the point I'm 100% sure she wasn't right for me, but I definitely see the things that I was looking past to be with her. Maybe they are something that were manageable, maybe they weren't. I too, made just about every mistake in the book. She hasn't contacted me since she said she wouldn't, and ya know what, I'm cool with that. You'll get there too.

 

In a long distance situation it's even easier! You never have to worry about running into them. Erase her facebook, block her, do whatever. It's like they never existed. Then if they pop up, you know it's completely on their own accord.

 

-P

[ToF]

i put girls before myself ... well she made me feel like i wasnt needed anymore ...

 

Do you see the connection here?

 

No one should be able to make you feel as if you're not needed, or by extension useless. Feelings of value and usefulness should come from you, not anyone else. It's not easy to accomplish, but the sooner you start working on it, the sooner you'll attain it.

[ned2010]

i value myself in a way, i feel i got alot to offer, but its just how she is acting like i aint needed anymore, in a way like oh you was my bf now you aint now im looking for a new bf, nah i wont talk to you because the the "old" bf

 

which is fair enough i guess, but i thought we were closer then that, should never believe anyone these days, she once said to me lets never fall out again lets promise ourselfs we never will, but what happened to that

[charity]

i'm curious to know what are the 5 things you should never do in a breakup, that you mentioned in your post?

[ned2010]

beg, play the over nice person and there are 3 other ones that i dont remember but i read about

 

the basically idea is desperate measures

[CrapAtNC]

I guarantee I made more mistakes than you did and to a far greater degree, and yet I still got my ex back, albeit temporarily (needed more time to work on my neediness, sadly).

 

It happened when I finally decided to move on and started dating someone else.

[Minx2012]

BIGGEST mistakes that any dumpee can make to try and get their exes back ( an amalgamation of experiences from myself and my female friends when we were all young and stupid ).

 

1) Begging, crying, like a pathetic emotional mess at the dumper's door...this just turned him off even more.

2) " Prostituting " body to booty calls.....Jumping at the chance to get with the guy even if it meant degrading oneself by throwing away dignity and integrity.

3) Dating a sleuth of guys to try and get the ex " jealous " and then becoming an emotional mess when he doesn't respond to such tactics, bc he couldn't care less.

4) Trying to be the super nice, bending over backwards, sacrificial, loving girlfriend...forgetting, that he couldn't care less if you threw yourself under the train for him.

5) Giving him " ultimatums "......which they would usually take the " ultimatum " so it's the easiest way to get rid of you...and then you would have to crawl back on your knees for " forgiveness ".

6) Pretending to be the royal * * * * * , so you can get some upper hand...but realising that you are really dying within with all the charade.

7) Dating someone close to him ( his bestfriend, a colleague, relative or whatever...) to get back at him. This is a surefire way that he will hate you even more...or worse...he will be INDIFFERENT and might even wish you luck.

[ned2010]

wish i had been warned before i made half these mistakes

[askltk]

Every relationship, every ex, every situation is different. Sadly there isnt a step by step guide to get ex's back. However, the above list is pretty conclusive of the things to avoid.

 

I've been guilty of points 1 (the whole begging thing that caused our break up chat) and 4 (although still am "nice" - to a lesser extent than i was before).

 

Agree with previous post, regarding NC. Its got to be for you - rather than a tool to get ex back. Im one to talk tho, as i havent gone NC! Ha But getting "you" back is the first part of getting her back - or realising that you dont want her back anyway! Good luck

[Minx2012]

My female, male friends and I have been through it all.....so I learned from a young age that emotionality ( or extremities of it ) will just push them away further. It's not going to appeal to them in any kind of way except disgust and annoyance. It's bad enough that they already left you for their own personal reasons....but the fact that they have to see you there with no dignity, self-pride, integrity, snot and tears running everywhere, just makes the image in their head a lot worse than it already is. I know that the dumper sounds like a cruel, callous piece of s*ite......but you also have to understand that you can't twist their arms around to " love you back ".

 

Do you know when they COULD possibly love you back ? When you go through complete NC and you both live your life completely and utterly separate from each other. Throughout the months and years, you both could meet new people, go through similar heart breaks, happiness and so forth. You will meet new challenges, new friends, possibly even obtain new opportunities ( or not ) in career. In other words, you start to live your life as if he or she never existed. IF ( and this is a BIG IF ) it's meant to be ( according to destiny, the " stars " or whatever you may call it ), then all that will be nothing bc ultimately, you will be led back together to the same point, same path and maybe then, love can blossom again, but as " newer and better " people I think.

 

I am going through a rough break up now. SO ROUGH...like you wouldn't believe. I am also wondering if this sense of calm or this clarity in a lot of things is a point of shock or " numbness " for me, bc in relation to everything else, I seem to be taking it well. The whole concept of NC is not as scary bc I have done it many times before in all my other relationships. But I can also vouch, that even though some came back ( and I was already over them! )...or some didn't.....most of them ( the dumpers anyway ) REGRETTED ending it with me. I would hear comments from old mutual friends about " Oh, he still talks about you and wishes that there was some way that you two can reconnect again "...or " Wow...I walked into his place and do you know that he still has that massive portrait he painted of you in his hallway ? "...or " ____________ was wondering how you're doing or if there's ever a chance you two can chat and have lunch sometime ". My indifference after long periods of NC allowed me to hear those comments and completely shrug them off for I no longer cared.

[Minx2012]

To answer the OP's question : YES, there are ways to degrade yourself...but they do NOT TRULY come back. Even if they physically come back into your life, he or she will be a " different person ". When you wish for them to come back, it's really the " ghost of their past self " that you're wishing for...the one who fell in love with you oh so many years ago....the one who has already " died ". Hence, with me, in all my relationships, the minute that one of us start to DOUBT, I know that it's the beginning of the end. To me, as depressing as this sounds ( and this is NOT to rub salt to the wound ), a break up is like dying. Not that YOU are dying, but the person you were madly in love with, has died...bc their present self no longer resembles the person they once were.