Low Contact - LC

[Allyo]

So I have chosen to follow the lead of others on this board and write my own guide. I am no expert, but this is what worked for me in getting back an ex.

 

I know no contact seems to be the rule of thumb on this board… however I am kind of more won-over by the idea of no contact for only a short period of time (a couple of weeks to a couple of months) after the break-up, followed by a period of low contact. This is with the explicit goal of eventually getting back together with an ex.

 

Here is why:

 

1) Low contact is almost no contact. It means talking no more than once a week to once in a blue moon. It means that you have time to heal, live your life, and be on your own without completely shutting the door. It could possibly be harder to re-establish contact months later after you have both completely erased each other from your lives.

 

2) Low contact is okay as long as you are nonchalant (read the wonderful post about nonchalance). I mean this in the sense that when you contact the person you should have few expectations as to how to the conversation or interaction should turn out. Any contact should be based on positive energy and good intentions, not on negative emotions or unrealistic expectations. Especially at the beginning, relationship and getting back together talk should be avoided. The most important thing is to establish a positive rapport with the other person.

 

3) Nonchalant low contact can also possibly re-establish your attractiveness to the other person. You are changing your dynamic and energy for the better.

 

4) No contact is a horrible way to treat somebody you really care about or love. Would you ignore your best friend? No contact can turn into a form of manipulation (when used to try to get back an ex). You hurt me, so I’ll hurt you. It turns the relationship into a scramble for power, where the dumpee suddenly has to regain his dignity and lost respect. You don’t have to lose your dignity or self-respect just because somebody dumped you. Fighting for what you love is just as worthy of respect, as long as you do it right.

 

5) You might be trying to prove to your ex that you can change or are willing to change. Low contact gives you an opportunity to prove your words with actions and let them see how you are changing your life. If you disappear completely, they might get curious from time to time, but they will never see your willingness to be a better person translated into actions.

 

6) Low contact can be good if you have a realistic time frame in getting back together – as in, not by next week. This means that you aren’t interested in rushing it and that you realize that the tortoise wins the race. It is a matter of endurance and patience.

 

7) If you still realize that any future attempt at the relationship would fail, at least through establishing low contact you have restored the positive energy and regained a friend. You have established the base for future positive interactions and you at least won’t turn into a bitter, hateful ex.

 

Some other considerations:

 

1) This will only work if the other person is open to communication, which is not always the case.

 

2) Text messages/Messenger/Facebook would probably not work in your favor. They do not allow you to regulate your contact with the other person. I would consider blocking the person or temporarily deleting your accounts, with a brief explanation as to why (I need some time to think or break away from social networking blah blah). Contact should be based on quality – in person or on the phone, or perhaps on messenger, not on quantity.

 

3) The specifics should depend on your own personality and intuition. Maybe you feel that you need an extended period of no contact to heal first.

 

4) If there is another person in the picture, I’m not sure how the dynamic would change. Low contact in this case might not necessarily be used to get the person back, but to re-establish the positive energy and to be able to let go on a good note.

 

5) Reconciliation is also dependent upon the other person. If they are stubborn or unwilling to look at their own faults and how they contributed to the break-up then it is a lost cause. Don’t feel bad about it, since with positive low contact you have at least made an effort. If anything you should feel proud of yourself!

 

6) Negative emotions inspire negative emotions. Positive emotions and good intentions lead to postive outcomes. In times of break-up it sometimes becomes hard to realize that you have considerable power over your destiny, and sometimes you have to choose to become the “better person” in the situation.

 

I would love to hear all your opinions

[thekid55]

Tell us more about your backstory.

[serendipity28]

lovely post. I agree with you.

 

In LDR relationships LC is important cause you just wont bump into each other. But you after them doing the first move and you exchanged a couple of emails, shoul you wait for them to try and reach you again or just send something friendly ?

[DylanNotorious]

4) No contact is a horrible way to treat somebody you really care about or love. Would you ignore your best friend? No contact can turn into a form of manipulation (when used to try to get back an ex). You hurt me, so I’ll hurt you. It turns the relationship into a scramble for power, where the dumpee suddenly has to regain his dignity and lost respect. You don’t have to lose your dignity or self-respect just because somebody dumped you. Fighting for what you love is just as worthy of respect, as long as you do it right.

 

NC is not meant to be used for this. NC is meant to be used to repair you - not play games.

 

Using NC to win back an ex is stupid. This is not how NC is supposed to be used at all.

 

If people think NC will win back an ex - they are deluded. There's only a slight chance it would work anyways.

[kuteknish]

I'm actually a little unsure of what LC vs NC is in my situation- I live in the same town as my ex and we have run into each other 3x now.. NC would mean ignoring him like he doesn't exist, right? I don't do that, I don't feel it is healthy or right so when we bump into each other, we make small talk and I appear (feeling it too) confident, upbeat & nonchalant, and then after a few moments of conversation, I say I have to be somewhere or on my way... would this be considered LC? I do not call him or email or text him...

I feel I am in a pretty good situation being this close in living distance because he will have more opportunities to see me in my confident state? Any opinions?

[woodc5]

The OP's point doesn't say anything about using NC as a way to win back an ex. She is making a valid point that yes, some people do turn NC into a way to manipulate or "get back at" their exes.

[Crazy Juice]

I think that emails need to be used in the form of LC as also mentioned above they are essential when the aspect is LDR. Speaking in person is necessary to restablish the memories of your voice and the good times this will hopefully envoke in their mind but I believe this should be something that you work towards.

 

There is a lot of talk about people bettering themselves when in NC or LC and I believe this is the most important part, but unless you are able to convey this to your ex then the chance for them to see any change is limited to non existent. You choose to better yourself exactly for that FOR YOURSELF, but there is always the early months when hope of reconciliation is on the dumpees mind. LC...and I agree needs to be after a period of NC 4 - 6 weeks say is a good way to establish the seed of you being a new improved better person, and important reconnecting the attraction, the old but improved YOU.

 

Having read some of Al turtles work he states that you need to make the ex feel safe in talking to you and suggest that the improvements you are making can be expressed via email in short form as a way of catch up....to save me paraphrasing him it is here, but I think it makes some good sense as part of a "plan";

 

link removed

 

As he states NC may make them miss you and an element of loniliness may creep in but that doesnt mean they will act on those feelings. Which is why I question the mantra that is thrown around on these boards that NC is the way to go in every case. Only you know your ex and you know your situation, and what went wrong (if you dont know this then work it out first and foremost) always act with caution, always reflect before sending anything and give careful thought to how you act but if you have some hope, then you know what is right to do....but keep your dignity in mind whatever course of action you choose.

 

Allyo - nice thread, LC is the lesser told story

[Aether]

LC is the way I am going, our breakup was mutual and there are no bad feelings between us, NC just does not feel right to me in our situation, I'm glad this thread exists

[madeamistake]

I look forward to the day.

[PatriotCPM]

I don't know if I agree with this post. Like others have said, NC is for YOU...not to be used necessarily as a method of getting your ex back. I think any contact with your ex while you still WANT them back is more often than not setting yourself up for more pain and a vast lengthening of the healing process. Now...a BYPRODUCT of NC could be that your ex starts to want you back. That shouldn't be the goal though. The whole premise of NC is to fully allow yourself to heal. And by the time you have achieved this goal, yeah, by all means, talk to your ex, because you should have reached a point where you CAN talk to your ex without ANY expectations or false hopes.

 

If an ex never talks to you again either, it truly shows what kind of person they are anyway.

 

I read a line somewhere recently that says it all- "after a breakup, your ex KNOWS you want them back...and they don't care."

 

 

Obviously, every situation is different though. There is no one size fits all plan, but all in all, I think NC is warranted the vast majority of the time. NC done correctly theoretically kills two birds with one stone. It most importantly allows you to fully heal and get past any residual emotions and feelings you may have left over from the relationship, and it allows the dumper plenty of time to think about what they have done and miss you, and MAYBE decide to re initiate contact. Either way, it's a win.

[Capthxc]

I completely agree with you, and I'm currently in a LC situation after a few months of NC. We broke up early September and didnt talk until Christmas when i approached her nonchalantly. In all reality, it was going well. I have a strong feeling that shes trying to send hints my way that she still loves/cares about me, but i nearly blew it, and I dont really know where to go from here. She was venting to me for a few weeks about this guy she met through a friend that went crazy/stalker on her. She told him she wasnt interested in dating him or anyone else for that matter, and he flipped out and started slandering her on FB. I was fine with it for a while, but then I let my paranoid thoughts get the best of me and I panicked. The last time she brought it up I ended up cornering her into a conversation about us getting back together. She said her feelings for me right now are platonic and she cant see us being anything more than friends. Said she was afraid that going back to what we had would only open up old wounds. As much as it hurt for me to hear that though, she was right to a certain extent. I shouldn't have cornered her, it was the obvious answer because I havent given her enough time to heal yet. If she's telling me that she isn't ready to date anyone yet then the obvious answer should have been that it's too soon to bring up any serious talk.

 

The good news is that we're still talking, but still only on a few days to a weekly basis. Anything more then that and I feel like I might start smothering her or pushing her. I keep as nonchalant as possible. From sending a few links to asking her about a few new things going on in her life and thats it. She was pretty hurt when we first broke up and I told her we couldn't be friends, so I think reestablishing our connection as friends and working at it slowly is the best way to go. As much as I want to pour my heart out to her, it will only hinder me again in the long run. There's a right time and place for everything, and the best advice i can give to this thread is to just be patient. You will know when the time is right, and getting worked out or panicking over something insignificant will only hurt your chances at reconciling.

[belezah]

how do you do LC if you have to temporarily close your fb account etc to control how much they see of you?

i don't quite understand this.

and if you parted both angry and mad, how can you go into LC?

[askltk]

Did this work in getting you Ex back? - and how long NC (if you were at all)? Is the LC based on your initiated contact of theirs?

 

Im Intrigued, even though I don't class myself as being LC at moment (we talk more than once a week..... etc).

 

Agree with the nonchalance idea (the thread is brilliant).

[belles]

Bumpity bump.

 

I agree with all these points - although it definitely depends on the context of the situation. If you have real hope or intuition that your relationship is salvagable - then this all makes sense. I would think its probably wise to have a period of NC first so that you can get your head together and allow your ex to do the same though. As you also stated.

 

Then its slow boil - like you said Allyo, you want the experience of you to be a positive one, and it needs to be taken slowly. I believe in most cases break ups don't happen because of WHO YOU ARE, but something that you are doing. A negative pattern behaviour from yourself, a learned way of communicating with each other. Work out what this is, work on fixing it, and show them that.

 

Remove the barriers and work on making them feel safe again around you.

 

I have pretty much just repeated some of your intial points here but I definitely think they are very wise and worthy.

 

I'm on the initial NC at the moment... do you have any recommendations on the ideal way to break that and reestablish initial contact easing into LC? x

[brokenticker]

Google: Al Turtle know when to fold em... Very useful method to start LC