ADVICE, Please!!! Dealing with Break Up and NC

[angelsgal]

I've been reading posts on these boards since my break up last Thursday and I'm so thankful that I found this forum....it has been helpful. I've been trying to work up the nerve to post my break up story, but it's still too painful and sometimes seeing it in writing makes things worse. I will share the long story soon if only because I'm still so confused about what happened. Here's a short version......

 

My boyfriend broke up with me after 10 months last Thursday after our first major fight. Although I read about doing NC, I thought what we shared was worth pursuing, so I contacted him about talking things out. Of course, it didn't go the way I wanted (him wanting me back - although he kept saying how much he missed me & cared about me). So I told him that if he discovered that his life was so much better without me in it, then great.....but if he found out that it was not, to give me a call and I'd be willing to talk to him, but I had to move on with my life. I've been doing NC ever since. This is where I need some advice......

 

He sent me an email saying, "Hi! I dropped off your clock radio in your backyard. How was volleyball?" (We used to play together every Wednesday night). I should also point out that he dropped off the candles that he gave me as a gift (we used them at his place), but he still has some of my things that are more important than a cheap clock radio(clothes, jacket), so he could have brought all of my things over at the same time.

 

I don't want to respond to his email because it seems like he wants to keep me in his life on his terms (without a committment, friends only) even though I told him we couldn't be friends. As a matter of fact, I got angry when I saw his email because I know it's too soon for him to have a change of heart about our relationship and it just gave me {false} hope that he wanted to work things out.

 

My question is.....I did tell him to call me (even though he sent an email), so should I respond back? I'm sure that it doesn't mean anything other than the fact that he's just missing me and wants to maintain some kind of contact. And his friend (who didn't know about the break up) saw me having a good time at volleyball and probably called him that night to ask him about the break up and told him I was there having a good time and that's what made him send the email.

 

What do you guys think I should do? Maintain the NC or send a reply?

[James30]

AllI can say from past experiences is The NC rule works like a charm.

 

But! DO yourself a favor, make sure that what problem or problems that were there before get resolved before you try again.

 

Let them come to you. It sucks I know. If he doesn't come back you know it was meant to be that way and you're better off.

 

DON"T CALL OR WRITE! What ever you do.

 

YOU NEED TO HOLD THE CARDS!

[AMON]

Hey...I know where you're at. I have just had a similar experience with a girl who is more than happy to remain friends yet it's so painful for me to even imagine being friends with someone you have such strong emotions for. What kind of friends does one expect to be.. come round for drinks while his/her other half is there? This is all still a very fresh situation for you and the worst part is there is no doubt pain still to come

 

One word of caution- do not make assumptions about people seeing you and interpreting your mood and conveying to ex. etc. etc. etc. and then thinking that your are receiving and email because you smiled at volleyball. The boy is confused and is clearly not ready for any serious long-term commitment. I have also been in his position and yup, I also wanted to keep in contact just to keep things warm. My advice: as hard as it is (and I'm with you on this...tears and all) - DO NOT CONTACT. You have put yourself out there and said what you wanted to say... if you want to reiterate it in a brief email then do so but stay away - you're only going to get hurt more! Hang in there girl...it apparently gets better...

[angelsgal]

Thanks James & Amon!! I really needed someone else to tell me NOT to contact him. NC is definitely the way to go. But here's a new dilemma......

 

He's coming to volleyball next Wednesday. I know that I could just not go, but I don't want to do that. I refuse to give up something that I love doing just because he's going, and I need the outlet right now. Not to mention that several of the players are good friends who will support me during this difficult time. The problem is that it's a small group, so I can't guarantee not being on the same court with him, although my friends will keep him away from him (i.e. make sure we're on different teams, etc).

 

How do I handle him trying to talk to me? I can easily see him coming up to say "hi" and "how are you doing" (the whole friends thing) and I can manage generic answers back and just walk away, but what if he pursues a conversation?

[Scout]

Just keep it light and friendly. Don't act fake, but act like he's a new person you've only recently met, and then tailor your conversation accordingly. Just do more listening than talking.

[lunatic]

Hi I agree with scout on this new problem. Keep the conversation light and short. Don't let him know that being in his presense is bothering you no matter how much it is. Act like there is nothing wrong and as the commercial states never let them see you sweat(don't sweat it). Be yourself the best you can under the difficult situation. That is the best advice I can give you and I wish you lots of luck. I know how hard this is going to be...

 

 

Hubman 8)

[AMON]

I agree with all of the above. As I said this is still early days and there are going to be many more awkward situations to deal with...this first one will just be practice. Don't be distanced or pretentious but yourself... it will get easier.

 

Best of Luck!

[angelsgal]

Thanks to everyone on these boards for your excellent advice!! I managed to survive my first encounter with him....although it was very, very hard.

 

My latest dilemma involved him calling me on almost a daily basis and "dropping by" my weekend volleyball games. (He works on weekends in the area where we play). Fortunately, we were always in the middle of a game when he dropped by (in the past, I would get a replacement so I could talk to him, but I didn't do that these times) and I was never home when he called. (I've been the "queen" of keeping busy these last few weeks! Definitely a "must do" if you want to maintain NC). Anyway, he doesn't know that I now have Caller ID (he used to tease me about not having it, but I always used to just answer the phone), so he's not aware that I know he's been calling all the time. (I wanted to protect myself just in case he called - I could decide if I could handle talking to him or not at that time). I finally decided that if he called (and I was at home!), that I would talk to him.

 

When he sent an email on Wednesday on an article called "Do Opposites Attract", but didn't say anything else (and that was one of his excuses to break up with me, although we have tons of things in common, not to mention the same values!), I responded back and asked him what was his point in sending it to me. He emailed back (within minutes) and said that he really wanted to get together and talk with me.

 

Since I am feeling stronger and feel that I can meet with him and not fall apart, I agreed....but I didn't "jump" at the chance since I've got plans through the weekend (including my own B-Day party) and I want to have a good time this weekend and not let whatever may or may not happen between us spoil things for me. I told him that I'd be willing to meet with him next next Monday or Tuesday and he said that would be fine.

 

I admit that I'm worried about what will be said (another reason not to do it this weekend - I'll be busy enough to put it out of my mind, at least when with others), although I am a lot stronger today than I was last week when I posted my original post on these boards. When we do get together, any advice?

[Scout]

Wow, you are handling everything PERFECTLY. My advice when you meet up with him is to let him do most of the talking. Act like you're interested in everything he has to say, but LET HIM TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE CONVERSATION. You are still in "keep your cards to your chest" mode. If he asks what you think about things, I would tell him you don't know. You are absorbing it and need to think about it. Do not reveal too much. Be pleasant, confident (but in a realistic way, don't overdo it or he will know its an act), but let him do most of the talking!! Don't commit to anything.

[angelsgal]

My advice when you meet up with him is to let him do most of the talking. Act like you're interested in everything he has to say, but LET HIM TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE CONVERSATION. You are still in "keep your cards to your chest" mode. If he asks what you think about things, I would tell him you don't know. You are absorbing it and need to think about it. Do not reveal too much. Don't commit to anything.

 

I'm meeting with him tonight and just thinking about it is making me nervous! Does he want to just "chat" because he misses me? Does he want to get back together again? Or does he want to do the "let's be friends" speel again? (I already said no to that twice!) My head is telling me one thing (he doesn't want me back) and my heart is saying something else (he wants to get back together with me). This is so confusing!! And since in the past, I did most of the talking (yeah......trying to convience him not to break up with me - that didn't get me anywhere), it's going to be hard to let him carry the conversation especially since he tends to "small talk" and take forever to get to the heart of a conversation. Is there anything I can say (without being rude) to get him to start REALLY talking to me?

[Scout]

No, there isn't. He's counting on the fact that you'll do most of the talking. Surprise him for a change, and I guarantee he'll open up to you more than if you try to lead the conversation and ask him a barrage of questions. Also, I advise you stick to your guns on the "Friends" issue. He won't get a chance to miss you and reconsider what he's lost if you're this dependable friend always there when he needs an ego boost.

 

Trust me, he's not sure what he wants yet either, and the more enigmatic and inscrutable you come accross as, the more he's going to decide he wants you back. LET HIM DO THE WORK. I'm telling you, guys are drawn to the pursuit, whether they say they hate it or not!

 

Keep doing what you've been doing - it's working, isn't it?? He's calling you now, not the other way around.

[angelsgal]

Keep doing what you've been doing - it's working, isn't it?? He's calling you now, not the other way around.

 

You're right, Scout. I just have to keep it in mind. Thanks for all the helpful advice! I'll let you know how things go tomorrow.

[angelsgal]

Well, I managed to survive my first "real" conversation with my ex-BF. We did not get back together, but he was actually talking to me this time and listening to what I had to say, although I took your advice and let him do most of the talking. It's strange that I could actually see the humor in the situation when he would start to talk and then go "hmmmm", "well.....uh" and I just looked at him and didn't immediately start talking like I would have done in the past. I could tell that he expected me to do it too, and he was surprised when I didn't.

 

If he wanted to talk about the relationship, I let him and when he switched to "small talk", I let him do that as well. When he asked me about all the things going on in my life, I was vague on the details and just said things like, "I've been keeping busy, playing sports, going out to the movies, and hanging out with my friends." He actually had new things to say too and didn't even bring up the "let's be friends" speel! (Part of me thought he would rehash the same old issues, trying to get me to agree with him that the break up was a good thing).

 

He admitted that relationships are not easy. (When I suggested shortly after the break up that we needed to work on our relationship, he said that couples shouldn't have to work at a relationship).

 

He actually said that he was "okay" with me planning days that we would spend together as long as we kept the rest of the week "flexible". (He wanted to do everything at the last minute and I wanted to know when I would be seeing him so that I could plan to do other things with friends) In the beginning of our relationship, when he did that I told him I had other plans (if I did), but towards the end, I started cancelling my plans so that I could spend time with him. (I know....big mistake on my part!) When I told him that, he said that he never asked me to do that, and I acknowledged that, but told him that I did it because I thought it would make him happy. I also said that I was not going to that in the future. (Again, not that he brought up the two of us getting back together - but he kept talking in the present tense, not past).

 

His problem with us "not having enough in common" stemmed from the fact that I was reluctant to go swimming with him in the ocean even though he knows I'm terrified of drowning. (When I said I would do it if I wore a life jacket, he didn't like that idea since he couldn't "swim" with me if I was floating). And it was him sending me the "can opposites attract and maintain a relationship" article that made me respond to him (breaking NC on purpose for the first time to ask him why he sent it) and got this first meeting between us happening.

 

He admitted that he was scared of the future and, if we did anything, what would happen next. Although I can't remember his exact words, my impression was that he was talking about if we got back together again, how do I know it would last - could I offer him a guarantee. (Yet HE was the one who broke up with me!). I do know that one of the driving factors in his breaking up with me was that he is scared of committment because before me, his longest relationship was 3 months and he was usually the one to end things. He also told me many times, including during the break up, that I was the best thing that ever happened to him. I told him that the future is uncertain, but some risks are worth taking. Do you think it okay to tell him that?

 

All-in-all, I was fairly satisfied with the way the conversation went, although I wish he would have asked me to get back together again. (Although I don't think I would have believed him if he DID ask me.....as much as I wanted him to say it!). He needs to do more thinking first (so do I!), but at least we were communicating this time and I gave him things to think about. That made all the difference. (Of course, having a positive, "whatever happens, happens" attitude on my part helped - something I could never have done if I met with him weeks ago). We didn't have a long conversation due to two things.......his hours changed at work so he had to leave due to getting up so much earlier and the restaurant he chose was freezing. (He showed up at my softball game earlier that evening so we both were in shorts - not easy talking when you're shivering - and I didn't have time to change before meeting with him like I originally planned!) And I could tell that he wanted to keep talking, but I did understand his need to get some sleep too. He told me that he'd see me at volleyball on Wednesday. (At least I'm okay with seeing him at volleyball tonight especially when I remember how panicked I was two weeks ago at the thought of having to talk to him!)

 

Based on his actions during our meeting, do you think he is seriously thinking about getting back together with me and working on our relationship? Or is he just stringing me along because he doesn't want me to move on with my life? Or does he just want to keep me in his life, but without the committment because he is lonely?

 

Angel

[Scout]

At this point, I think he's testing the waters, and still hasn't decided what he wants. Have you decided what you want? Be honest with yourself: are you wanting to get back together to alleviate the feelings of rejection you had more than that you actually think he's worth it?

 

I have a problem with his thinking just because you are afraid of the ocean, that means you don't have enough in common. THAT IS ONE TINY THING! And I'll tell you something, I do NOT swim in the ocean, because I am terrified of sharks. I don't care if the chances of getting bitten are similar to the odds of getting struck by lightening, I am not going in past my knees, period.

 

It seems like this guy may create exits based on not very important things because he's not really into relationships/doesn't know how to handle them. Do you really want to go back to feeling like you're constantly trying to prove how GREAT it is to be in a relationship with you?

 

At this point, I think you should stay focused on what you really, really need out of a relationship, and do some serious thinking about whether he can provide it.

[angelsgal]

It seems like this guy may create exits based on not very important things because he's not really into relationships/doesn't know how to handle them. Do you really want to go back to feeling like you're constantly trying to prove how GREAT it is to be in a relationship with you?

 

At this point, I think you should stay focused on what you really, really need out of a relationship, and do some serious thinking about whether he can provide it.

 

That's exactly what I'm afraid of....that even if we do get back together, he'll break up with me down the road for some other vague reason and I'll be hurt even more. I still have to do a lot of thinking about what I need out of a relationship. In the meantime, I'm going to take it one day at a time, stay busy, go out with friends, and if I meet someone else that I want to go out with, I'll do that as well. And if he wants to talk to me, I'll let him be the one to initiate it. Will keep you posted! Thanks Scout!