Question for DUMPERS who broke up in order to be with someone else...

[90_hour_sleep]

seems like speculation...any way you look at it. while you can assume to your heart's content that this person who left will feel remorse...holding onto that will do nothing for you...except perhaps push you to let go. sooner or later you'll grow tired of constantly playing the story over in your head. it's exhausting. you don't know. no one does. getting carried off by these thoughts is just another way of holding on. facing the end of something is so hard...and it becomes even harder the more we cling.

 

it sucks. i mean...i understand this hope that one day the person who left me will feel something. it probably does happen sooner or later...but not in the way that any of us would hope for initially...when we're still hurting. it's probably no great revelation. if this person genuinely 'hurt' you (although...i think it's more that we've been hurt by our own expectations)...they'll probably reflect on that. that could be years down the line though...many years. will it really matter at that point? it might. who knows. i do know that when one of my girlfriends left me...i was constantly feeding myself the same tired old story...that she couldn't possibly find anyone better...that sooner or later she'd be tormented by the thought of leaving me. that was a fantasy. she may not have found someone 'better'...but she did find someone...and that person is the right person for her right now. it took a long time...but the story changed for me. the bitterness evaporated. there's a freedom to actually be happy for her. she didn't hurt me. i hurt myself...by denying the end...clinging desparately to what was. hoping for her torment only held me back...it kept me stuck exactly where i was.

 

for what it's worth...i left the most recent girl i was dating...and it wasn't an easy thing to do...but it was the right thing to do...for both of us. there was nothing catastrophically wrong with the relationship...but it wasn't working. just because a relationship has no glaring flaws...it doesn't mean it should last forever. if one person isn't feeling it...the relationship can't possibly thrive. would you really want to invest so much of your time with someone who isn't fully there...who isn't invested to a similar degree? doesn't that seem like an invitation for more pain?

 

focus on where you're going. it's what you have to work with.

[Destiny2112]

Thank you for your post! Yes, you are right...I think I'm just trying to hold onto something that is lost anyway and that stops me from letting him go... I mean, of course, if he wasn't happy with our relationship for whatever reasons, it is his good right to move on, to find someone else, who gives him the happiness and joy in life that he deserves...and as you say, I know, it wasn't my ex's purpose to hurt me, I'm hurting and tormenting myself by holding onto something that is over, the pain is just a side effect from the break up, it wasn't his intention...and of course, I only want to be with someone, who is happy with ME, with OUR relationship, not someone who isn't really into it... when I started that thread, I thought, hearing dumpers' stories would make me a little feel better, that it might give me an insight, what might go on in my ex's head. But you are right, it would only be assumptions, each and every person and story is different and doesn't neccessarily apply on my ex and I guess anyway, I'll never ever find out how my ex has been feeling due to the break up...I need to accept that the strong bond we had for so long is gone, we are not part of each other lives anymore, he is gone and is free to do whatever he wants with his life and so am I. We don't owe each other anything anymore... It is just that I'm having such a hard time letting go, accepting that what we had, no matter how great and wonderful it was, is over...that he, the person I loved so so so much decided to walk away... but I know, he moved on with his life and need to do the same...but it is so HARD for me

[Jen1981]

My ex did talk to me about his concerns, we really did get a better relationship for a few months before he ended it out of the blue....even though he'd told me he loved me SO MUCH just a week prior. I guess I'm (like you) in a state of denial and chok! How can it possibly go this wrong this fast? I guess his emotional detatchment started long ago.......

 

One of my friend's was actually the dumper a few years ago. They met very young, were together a lot of years and she suddenly panicked and felt she didn't want to get married without having experienced life first. She instantly had relationships and dated other guys. ....just weeks after the breakup but none of them worked out. She always found some flaw in them after a while. Guess she compared them to her ex.

 

Her ex was devastated and it took him 6 months to become remotely normal.....she felt bad about it but also thought they were in different places. Now (serveral years after) she is pining for him. She asked him back but he told her he'd now moved on and was in a relationship.

 

She's completely wrecked and has been in mourning for over 2 months...she feels she missed her chance of love with her soulmate and can't work because she's so sad.

[90_hour_sleep]

i think most of us that find this place have a really hard time with it. it IS hard...perhaps one of the most difficult things any of us will ever be faced with. it was hard for me too...and it took a very long time to finally let go of it all.

 

you seem to be working through it though. this post in particular has some very insightful words. i think you're on the right track. even if you don't truly believe what you've written...it will come. bit by bit. i don't think it's possible to let the whole thing go all at once. maybe once you've let a bit of it go...that possibility opens up.

 

we're used to holding on. we all strive for comfort...and the moment it's not there...we want it back right away. seems to be this belief out there that life is always supposed to be pleasant...without the little hiccups along the way. does that seem at all realistic? i know for me it doesn't. the true beauty of these experiences is that they offer the opportunity to grow...to open up to anything and everything, whether 'good' or 'bad'. gives us strength...wisdom. opens us up to the bigger picture...free to oscillate in the waves of life...without the resistance.

 

sounds like you've opened to that. patience...and gentleness with yourself...with the freedom to be 'okay' with whatever rolls into your life!

[CRCfem]

I have a question for the dumpers:

If you break up a relationship (a good one, I mean, no abuse, big fights, cheating, etc.) in order to be with someone else right away, does the new person help you to forget your ex or do you still sometimes think of your ex, feel guilty or compare your new partner to the ex, etc... or is the new honeymoon phase so great that you are just too distracted and so much in love with your new partner, that there is no space for any feelings or thoughts for your ex??

 

I would be glad to hear your opinions! Thanks!

 

I've done that, and the reason i looked for the greener grass was that i felt it was greener on the other side. It was more complex that that, but tht is the gist, the crude description of it, reflecting after quite some years. I did *think* of the dumpee, wondered what they were up to sometimes( when I felt i didnt get what i needed in the new relationship). but they were just that, passing thoughts and guilt and , yeah, shame, stopped me from contacting them. It sounds cruel, but I think the dumper dumps someone because they believe/feel they have fallen for someone else. Even if the dumper realises it was wrong, just going through the strategy and pain of dumping someone for someone else screams out loudly that they weren't the right person for the dumpee in the first place.

Personally, i feel that if the reason for break-up is someone else, then the dumper is not the right person for the dumpee. People break up, make masive mistakes, realise them then some try to come back after some reflection, eating humble pie and ---very iportantly---- do a pledge of total commitment to the dumpee. But when the reason of breakup is some other excitement offered by another person, i doubt any reconciliation in future is possible or it will work. Very harsh, but i underline, talking only from my own experience..

[Destiny2112]

Thanks for your post CRCfem!!

 

I guess, you are right with what you are saying... During our relationship, I thought, my ex was right one for me...but now, after some months have passed, I realized, "wait, if he really loved you the way you loved and still love him, if he really was the right one for you, he wouldn't have left you for someone else, he wouldn't have caused you such a pain...if he can just replace me so very easily, then he can not be the one for me" ....so yes, apparently my ex isn't the right person for me! I trusted him, I believed him in everything he said...but he destroyed it all, I feel so betrayed....I suppose, I'll never ever be able to trust him again, I would always be suspicious... I guess, the damage he caused by his whole behaviour, is too big, to ever be able to fixed again... anyways, I have the feeling I'll never hear from him again... It is just hard for me, to understand that he is a completely different person now, not the person I used to know, I used to love when we were together....I thought, I knew him so well, I never expected, he would ever be able to do this to me...

[Destiny2112]

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Thanks for your nice words! Yes, I think, I know what I need to do, but I also know, it will take some time until I truly, truly believe that, too... I try to be patient with myelf and don't presure myself too much...you are right, I somehow feel like I need to hold on to the nice times, when my ex and me were still together and I don't know why, but in a way I'm also afraid of letting go.. I know, our relationship is over, he wanted it to end, but somehow I have the feeling, if I let go and move on, then it is definite, our relationship will be over for good, it will belong to the past and nothing can bring it back (although I know, these thoughts are stupid, since it is over for good anyways, it ended, the minute, he told me it is over)...I know, I'm hindering myself from moving on by holding onto something that doesn't exist anymore and this holds me back from moving on and letting go...

 

but I know, although I wished, I didn't have to go through this horrible time, this sometimes unbearable pain of having lost my first true love, this is an important experience, that it will make me a better person, it has made me realize so many things about myself already...and I know, without my ex leaving me, I would have never really started reflecting all those things about my attitude and my character... Finally I realized, it was not my fault that he left me, I didn't make any major mistakes or anything during our relationship, but yet, I realized little things, that I want to change for my next relationship....

 

Thanks again!!;-)

[MayJane]

My experience is exactly the same, you find it hard to let go because you have no real answers and because they said all these words right up till ending it we hang onto that. My ex said he loved me forever, couldnt live without me, still wanted to move in all until the last minute and when its over you think why did they say that if they were finishing it with me thing is we will never know unless they open up. Which in my case won't happen. My ex started to get feelings for someone else just 2 - 3 weeks before it finished that easy! He was drinking lots more over these few weeks and this must have been the reason I even think he may have been a bit depressed but I could think things like this forever about him and not get anywhere.

 

Its hard for us to even start to get over it as we thought everything was perfect and esp when they are saying it back right up to the last minute it makes it even harder. I went NC from day one but broke it just under a month and sent an email I admit it was a good email and I'm glad I got things of my chest but I do feel its set me back as Im waking up really panicking again and things.

 

Im sorry that you are in the same position as me I really do as its taking over my life at the moment and I dream of the day I feel normal again. If you want to pm then please do as I do feel our situations are similar. Chin up chick and try take one day at time XX

[MayJane]

I'm on the same boat. My ex and I had 2 awesome years together and she just walked away. I know she will come back for sure because of what we had but I have to be patient. She is going to realize that there is no one else that is going to treat her the way I did. If your relationship is awesome, there is still some hope that they will return because they always do. Just keep your distance and disappear. They will miss you. Just use this time to get over them and move on because they won't miss you if you haven't moved on yet.

 

Mine was awesome but then when I write things like this in threads people tend to say 'you think it was awesome' but your partner may not have so then I get confused? As everything was great we got on, never argued, giggled everything that makes you think it was awesome!

[CRCfem]

I think the bit that hurts the most is the shattered expectations, and most of all, the disbelief that something so good went away, and it's out of the control of thte one left behind. But the point is, that thing that went was not a loss.... it was a favor... once that thought gets into mind the healing has started. You are not shortchanged by losing someone so good for you... Just the fact that they left should put you somehow at peace, they are definitely NOT good for you! You only are experiencing an illusion of loss. Good riddance for the ones who went away after deluding someone else for so long! They would have gone away anyway in the future, and even if they stayed with oyu, that sort of superficial relationship is not the deep love and need of understanding that you deserve.. They did not deserve you...

[CRCfem]

My personal situation is that i have someone who is exptremely compatible wiht me, without any doubt from both sides. Life has been heaven, and also living together. But now he is consulting psychics as he believes in them ( as one psychic once proved accurate about his life up to now). he consults them to see if me and him make a good match... I as shattered at forst when i heeard this, and i almost prayed for the 'stars' to help me. But then i realised: this man will stay with me or not, only if the psychics give green light. It is outside my control and frankly, quite offensive, the way h e decides abtit, inspite of him giving me an engagement ring etc. Should i count my lucky starts if he stays? it wont be becaus eof me, because of his trust in our relationship, it will be because of a psychic. I will feel sad if he leaves, but equally i am thinking i shuld cut my losses. We are an inlove couple, but this man does not deserve me. It will be easy thinnkiing like this, because, after all, it's the reality.

[godgo37]

If the relationship was so great, then why did they leave?

I'm in the same situation with most of you, my gf left me after almost 6 years together for someone else. Although I've read about the Grass is Greener syndrome, its been two months of absolutely no contact at all, but I think she has the time of her life now that she got rid of me.

It really makes me feel sad and bitter, especially when I think how easy she just erased 6 years of common life and experiences. I know I wasn't my cool self at the end, I was out of work and had become weak and clingy, that's why she fell out of love for me. I'm not so sure she's gonna come back though, she sounded pretty determined when she broke up with me.

 

Anyway, didn't want to disappoint you, but I feel very dissapointed myself.

Cheers.

[jonesyjakk]

sounds like my situation godgo. its been 2 n half months for me but i've suddenly changed.....here's how i felt, shocked.........gutted........begging..........bitter...........angry..........sad...........don't really care...............that is my journey in 2 n half months, it is strange how my feelings have changed...........we have been lc as we have a kid and she really messed my head up for 2 months, then i said no more, and i have not initiated contact in 2 weeks.........she has text me everytime........i can't see us getting back but i have taken back control and that's the most improtant thing here guys.

 

Take back a bit of control. I love my ex, im still in love with her but the difference is im standing on my own 2 feet now and i DON'T NEED HER.....that's an important realisation as i was thinking how on earth will i survive without her.

 

No I know i don't need her life feels good, im not hoping and wondering if she's gonna come back, hell i don't know if i'd wanna get back if she asked. I had so many emotional thoughts in that first 2 months, now i got me back, not all of me but im getting more and more.............she left me after 8 n half years, im erasing her as much as i can after 2 n half months. I'm giving her what she wants, time will tell if she wants she's gonna get.

 

MY RELATIONSHIP IS OVER, MY FAMILY HAS GONE, MY LIFE HAS CHANGED, IM A SINGLE DAD.........AND I AM OK WITH ALL OF THAT.

[rkop]

My ex gf still has feelings for me we been together for 4 years she broke up with me and got with someone new very quickly and from what I understand on here it was just a quick rebound to get over me and not think of me. I was also her best friend and I would like to think she will miss me but she also is acting like this guy is everything Ive been going NC for me but also still have hope that she will contact me cause she misses me.

1. she has told me she still loves me but doesnt want to be with me right now.... Our relationship was fixable but she ran into this guys arms

2. When she hung out with me for my bday we went as friends but when I said good bye to her...I hugged her and then she started to kiss my neck and then my lips which I stopped her. I was her best friend in the whole world but maybe the excitement of someone knew is clouding her judgment I really think its just a matter of time by which Im not so sure I would want her back for what she did to me.