we "made up" but now Im more confused than ever!!!!!!!!!!!!

[sweety74]

Hi everyone - sorry this is long but I do need some help so please read on if you can!!

 

I havent been here for a while, been busy looking after my son, my house, finances, while going to work and dealing with the day to day stuff, all on my own, since my husband moved to another part of the country 8 hours away.

 

Those of you who've been kind enough to read and answer my posts will remember we were together for 11 years, married for 9, had a fairytale romance, until gradually his temper started getting the better of him. We made some bad choices during our time together and put ourselves in some horribly stressful situations which started to drive a wedge between us. I have this lovely man, who is everything you could want, with a sporadic temper problem. He would throw tantrums, throw stuff around, punch walls, yell, and not apologise afterwards, just try and justify the reason for his outburst. We have had two "almost" breakups this year, due to stress getting the better of both of us, usually money problems, and this time it really happened. On his side of things,

He was hurt by the fact I seemed to have no time for him, not want to be intimate, not even have time to stop for a hug if I was busy, just making him feel unwanted in his own home in his words.

We stayed in the same house for a month before he moved away to the same town his favorite brother lives in, we've often visited there and seen how well my brother in law and all his friends live, they all have the best of everything, most of the guys have jobs with a huge hourly rate, the women can work if they want to, or stay home. So my husband has gone down there, so he too can live that lifestyle.

 

Ive spent the first two weeks he was gone, accepting the situation, as I had said to him that perhaps the marriage could be saved if we went to counselling or him to anger management. His response to that was that, I'd become a type of person he didn't want, we had come to the end of our road, and that counselling was too expensive. I mentioned to him it was free through the family court but got no response to that. I felt that he was pretty final about everything, so there was no point being upset or trying to change things.

 

I was preparing for life as a solo mum (we have a 5 year old together) and just working out how I was going to manage financially.

 

We had arranged that I would stay in our family home, it would go on the market and I would move elsewhere once it sold. I would pay most of the rent, he would make a contribution given that he still has stuff stored in the garage here. He would come up every two weeks to see his sons, his other son would meet him down here and stay at this house. I would go and stay at my mothers for the weekend. We would see and speak to each other only when necessary to do with the boys.

 

Easy huh? So he arrives for his first visit, I was about to get ready to leave when he asked if we could have a talk and said things like "Im not happy down there, I feel like a nothing" "I can't sleep, I can't settle" "Im not ready to let go yet", "Im sorry I hurt you and made you cry" "I still love you" "I think we still have something" "most marriages dont last as long as ours, I don't think we should throw it away yet"

 

he went on to say that he had no intention of coming back to this town, he was still going to set himself up 8 hours away, but he had hopes that one day in the future we would work things out and end up all there together. In all our conversations following that, he would say "if things work out between us and you come down..." "If things work out how I hope and we all end up together.."

 

I told him that if he thought I was just going to fall back into his arms he was mistaken. He needs anger management/counselling. He assured me he was prepared to do this. Over the time he was here, I had myself convinced I could move to be with him, even typed up a CV for him to help him apply for jobs, so he could get set up and we could go down there. I even went as far as looking for jobs for me and looking at schools for our son.

 

So we got all mushy and gushy and gooey eyed at one another, agreed not to let on to the boys that we were making steps towards making up, just in case it doesn't eventuate, we had secret little cuddles when we could and a couple of nights we slept together. It was like being in love all over again. He stayed for 4 days, did a few things around the house to help me out, told me he'd tried to go and buy me flowers and wine but that they were more expensive than he remembered.

 

Once he left to go back I got a few romantic texts from him, professing his love etc etc.

 

He phoned to speak to our son one night, I had a quick chat with him but didn't have much to say so kept it pretty short, since then have not heard from him for two days, even to say goodnight to our son as he has been every night.

 

Now reality has hit in for me, left here to maintain the house, deal with the real estate agent, look after our son, take care of all the bills, all the while not being completely certain about our future. To be honest, where he has gone is not somewhere I want to live, Im trying to work out whether he means enough for me to move to somewhere I have no interest in living, no family, and no friends. Hes down there, with no job, so no money to help me take care of any expenses (although he did leave me with sufficient money to pay half of this month's mortgage), its pretty hard, and Im thinking if he really did care for me he wouldn't be putting me through this. Having not had a phone call or message from him for two days, makes me feel that myself and my son are obviously not a priority.

 

Im wondering, why, when he was the one in the wrong, why Im now feeling like there's an ultimatum - If I want us to be a family again, I have to move where he is

We both hate the town we were living in, and were both working towards selling up and moving away together. It just got all too much for him sooner than we could manage that.

 

What to do???????????????????????????????

[lavenderdove]

You just fell for it again... His mission (to charm you into getting back with him) was accomplished, so as soon as that happened, he goes back to his usual self, ignoring you. And he totally got his way, talking you into moving somewhere you don't want to move, all because he turned on a few romantic gestures.

 

The problem here is that you constantly mistake a little romance and pretty words for sincerity. And he hasn't gotten any counseling yet has he? You just keep giving into him, every time, time and time again.

 

At this time, this is just a self inflicted wound. you've been shown MANY times how it is, that he wants his own way, and if he doesn't get it he either tantrums and bullies you into submission, or turns on a fake romance for a while to manipulate you into submission.

 

At this point, you have to start living in reality rather than fantasy. He's asking you to move somewhere you don't want to go, with no job, no family, no friends, no money. This plan is totally ridiculous and not founded on reality at all.

 

What to do? Get yourself to a counselor quick to analyze why you keep living in this fantasy world and letting a little romance and a few empty promises turn your head around and make you uproot your life and son when all you had was 4 days of romance and he's still not in anger management training and ignoring you.

[catfeeder]

Have you sought legal advice? Filing for a legal separation may protect you against any further debt he might rack up, and his romantic 'talk' may have been a way of holding you off from doing that.

 

I'd avoid acting against my own self interests and better judgment. I'd seek legal advice, put financial protections in place and plan the life I want to live ON MY OWN. From there, if husband ever wants to step up and demo sincerity in being a partner to you, he's capable of doing that. You can reevaluate your choices at any time, but I wouldn't change jobs during a recession or move to a place that offers you zero based on empty promises over a slap and tickle in the bedroom.

[sweety74]

Thanks - to be fair to him, where we were living prior to the split, is my home town, where I have lots of family and friends and he had no one until his mother moved down here, but she is not the best of mothers - has a drinking problem etc.

The difference is we made the decision to move here together. It was a bad move as when we became ready to sell our house and move on we have found its near impossible to sell a house here, let alone get the price you originally paid for it or more. He wanted to sell up 6 months after we moved here, and I talked him out of it. At that time we probably would have got more for the house than we paid for it, but I didn't know that. He holds this against me, although he wont' admit it.

 

Ive known him for 11 years so I know he is not the type to think he can just come home every 2 weeks for a bit of fun and then take off again, I think he genuinely wants to work things out, but as you are both saying, under his terms. Im hoping he might see, that he has made the wrong move going down there, with no job and nowhere to live. His reasons are that most jobs in that area pay $30 an hour plus - that's based on what other people have told him. There are other towns not so far away that pay that kind of rate if you have the knowledge and skills to get such a job.

 

I don't think that simply all moving somewhere different is going to solve the problem.. Ive told him counselling is a MUST for me if we are to work things out. His idea is that it will work better if we do it once we are back together rather than attending as a seperated couple (?)

 

It does hurt but I am thinking that I will have to to what I want to do. I feel guilty though as here is a chance for our son to have his family back together, prevented only by my refusal to let go of what has happened in the past, and step out of my comfort zone. Added to the list of ways we have already hurt each other to date, is the fact that I feel he has been completely selfish in all of this. He now has what he wants, he's living elsewhere but its putting financial pressure on me, as while hes not working I have to cover our mortgage - I do have the option of moving to a cheap rental and renting our home out, but I enjoy the security of being in my own home.

 

Easy to be angry at him and think it is best to remain apart while he's away but all the emotions come back when he comes home to visit the boys. May try not to be here when he comes next time so that doesn't cloud my judgement.

[lavenderdove]

Actually, when you have the kind of problems you two have with his rage etc., they recommend counseling WHILE APART then only getting back to together if it looks like his is fully in control of his emotions and other problems such as finding employment etc. have been solved.

 

If he is serious about improving himself, he will enroll in an anger management class now and start attending counseling with you now before you get back together. And you need counseling on your own right now to get your head straight and make decisions.

 

btw, if he has separated from you, he should be paying child support and contributing to the mortgage. Why isn't he working? He's basically walked out on you, and you're shouldering everything while he's off doing who knows what and not even calling you to see how you and his son are doing... that is just unacceptable. You need to see your own counselor so that you can see this situation clearly, rather than thru romantic goggles.

[sweety74]

I think I will do just that. Im trying to work and look after my son with all this confusion going on, so a clear head would be a good thing. Lavenderdove, thank you so much for all your great advice, I have got a lot out of what you have had to say to me over these past few months.