question to women: any tips on how to date multiple men?

[im sandra dee]

I want to find the best possible candidates for a long term relationship by meeting several men for casual dating and getting to know them.

 

Any tips on how to date multiple men?

 

I'd love to hear from women who have successfully found their mates by NOT focusing on one guy from the start.

[Ms Darcy]

Well, just a few thoughts.

 

1) You do not always HAVE to date more than one guy at a time. If you only one high quality guy at a time, then only date him. Don't feel pressured to date a loser just so you can say you are dating multiple guys.

 

2) Remember that the first 1-2 months are really just about having fun. Make sure your dates are public and that you are engaging fun activities, ice skating, roller blading, etc, so that there is less pressure on the physical side of things.

 

3) Be clear about your expectations. You don't need to tell the guy you are looking for marriage, but I do say that you are looking for a long-term relationship with someone who is ready for that AND compatible with you. At some point, you have to just pass on the "I don't know" or "I'm not over my ex" or "I've been hurt in the past" guys who express ambivalence towards the idea of commitment.

 

4) Don't put your mental eggs in one basket. I know it's easy to have a frontrunner in the beginning. I know when I first started talking to my bf, there was another guy who was my "frontrunner." I jumped the gun, chose the other guy, and boy was he an idiot. I was lucky that my bf was still interested in me and we went from there. Now I see that he's the much better catch.

[DylanNotorious]

To be honest, you don't need to be dating multiple men at the same time. You know pretty quickly within 2 weeks if someone your spending time with is heading anywhere. Even after a month, you can gage pretty quickly the guys potential.

 

So if you calculate that, that's 12 guys a year! That's not too shabby really.

[Lonewing]

Dating more than one person at once leads you to the point of comparing one guy to another the whole time - and it seem to be the basis of every bad romance novel ever written.

 

I jsut want to know why you're so special that you could ask two guys to compete against each other for your undivided attention. It's kind of against the Paying it Forward principle...

[Ms Darcy]

You are not worth any guy competing against another guy like that for your hand. Plain and simple...

 

That is the message we tell women isn't it? And that's the message they believe. I don't personally think it's a matter of making men compete for you. Rather, I think it's about letting people know that you respect yourself enough to have boundaries and expectations. People rush too much. People expect too much too soon. People start planning weddings in their minds before they even know the other person. If men and women took things slower, courted each other, and set their boundaries about exclusivity early on, then you wouldn't have so many women (and men) sticking with people who reveal UNACCEPTABLE behavior after dating for a month.

 

I know many women who find it harder to let a guy that they have been dating for a month go if they have already committed to being bf/gf that early.

[Batya33]

I want to find the best possible candidates for a long term relationship by meeting several men for casual dating and getting to know them.

 

Any tips on how to date multiple men?

 

I'd love to hear from women who have successfully found their mates by NOT focusing on one guy from the start.

 

I made sure I had it all straight as to when my dates were and with whom, I had a good time on each date and when I met someone special I stopped dating the others once we decided to be exclusive. When I reconnected with my husband,I had gone on a few dates with two or three guys-I kept seeing two of them and my husband and I spent a few platonic evenings together. When he asked if we could get back together I stopped seeing the others. I was not having sex with any of them not even close.

[im sandra dee]

Dating more than one person at once leads you to the point of comparing one guy to another the whole time - and it seem to be the basis of every bad romance novel ever written.

 

Lonewing, I admit to comparing one guy to another... it happened to me just last night... I met a new man last night and he was very nice... I enjoyed his company but I found myself comparing him to the man that I met three weeks ago... and preferring the other guy over him... that's why I'm asking for tips... I don't know how to do this or whether I even should try... but I guess I wouldn't have known this fact if I hadn't met guy number two...

 

I jsut want to know why you're so special that you could ask two guys to compete against each other for your undivided attention. It's kind of against the Paying it Forward principle...

 

And Lonewing, I never asked two guys to compete against each other for my undivided attention.

[DreamerGirl27]

um, just do it? if there are multiple men in your life you are interested in, that are interested in you back, then just do it? no real big mystery there. if not, then don't? I don't date, just to date, but if I am interested I will go out with 1 or 10 guys. I have dated guys I was not interested in right off the bat and things never changed.

[BriarRose]

I don't think you need to date more than one person at a time to find a meaningful relationship. If you want to, great - but if that is really not something you are used to or comfortable doing, you don't need to.

[Lonewing]

Lonewing, I admit to comparing one guy to another... it happened to me just last night... I met a new man last night and he was very nice... I enjoyed his company but I found myself comparing him to the man that I met three weeks ago... and preferring the other guy over him... that's why I'm asking for tips... I don't know how to do this or whether I even should try... but I guess I wouldn't have known this fact if I hadn't met guy number two...

 

I never asked two guys to compete against each other for my undivided attention.

 

You didn't ask them to with words - you asked them to by your own action.

 

I was once torn between two girls, and then I decided that if I was confronted with that situation, then in truth neither girls were best for me. I kept one girl as a friend, and the other has disappeared as she moved away - but that's just as well.

[Lonewing]

That is the message we tell women isn't it? And that's the message they believe. I don't personally think it's a matter of making men compete for you. Rather, I think it's about letting people know that you respect yourself enough to have boundaries and expectations. People rush too much. People expect too much too soon. People start planning weddings in their minds before they even know the other person. If men and women took things slower, courted each other, and set their boundaries about exclusivity early on, then you wouldn't have so many women (and men) sticking with people who reveal UNACCEPTABLE behavior after dating for a month.

 

I know many women who find it harder to let a guy that they have been dating for a month go if they have already committed to being bf/gf that early.

 

 

Well, how about I put it to you this way - as a man, I date not just you but I date Sandra Dee at the same time. Only, you see, I don't tell either one of you - and both of you start developing the same feelings in the same magnitude, all while I appear to giving back the same feelings, or worse, appearing to be almost a bit indifferent to your advances. And then after a month, I decide "Well, I'm sorry Ms. Darcy, but I don't feel like this is going anywhere - it's not you, it's me!" And then Sandra finds out I was seeing you while I was seeing her - and even though I never said anything, she assumed I was at the very least geniune in my advances for at least the last week, if not the last two weeks. Genuine, as in, exlcusive. Like when I told her those pretty things, I was only telling them to her - and not to Ms. Darcy too! AKA

 

But I'm not even thinking about her, because I'm already thinking about this new hottie who appeared last night when I walked into the club, and now, I'm putting my energy towards this hottie because I scored her number and she wants to go out, nevermind Miss Sandra! Heck, why would I even put up with a Nag like Sandra [cause really, her yelling at me right now is just her nagging me for me being human!!] in the first place??

 

You might revamp what it is you're looking for in a man and how you evaluate the inside - Ultimately, we're all pretty much the same on the outside.

 

Dating two people at once is a very, VERY slippery slope. Most girls I know call it two-timing.

[im sandra dee]

Dating two people at once is a very, VERY slippery slope. Most girls I know call it two-timing.

 

Lonewing, a few books written on dating recommend that women date three men at the same time that way women don't get too attached to one. The idea is to date three to find the one and to keep three men in the rotation to prevent feelings from developing. So the question was in general about dating multiple men, not just two men.

 

After I met guy number two on Friday night, guy number one that I met three weeks ago still holds the number one spot for me yet I spent very little time thinking about guy number one all day yesterday and so I feel less attached to him now. Which trust me honey, is a good thing. Being too focused on guy number one at this point may lead to trouble in the sense that I start to expect his calls everyday and if he isn't calling then I'll be wondering why and worse then I'll call him to find out if he still likes me and I'm trying to do what I have to do to avoid sabotaging a possible relationship with guy number one.

[Batya33]

I agree it helps to keep perspective and not get attached too quickly. My boundaries were- no sex before being very serious and exclusive and I did not lie about dating others -if he asked me if I was I said yes. However, it was none of his business as far as the details so if he pried into my life as in "what are you doing Saturday night" when he hadn't asked me for a date for that night -I would say some variation of "going to a play/movie/dinner" but whether it was with a group or on a date was not his business and I found it crass when men talked about their other dates.

 

I think it's foolish especially for a woman in her 30s who wants marriage and family -to put all her eggs in one basket based on only a few dates. I wouldn't be married now if I had done that.

[BriarRose]

For what it's worth, I have found men seem more interested when they learn you are dating others than if they think they are the only one. But with that being said, I still think you can find a serious relationship without serial dating.

 

Like Ms Darcy said, it is important to be able to walk away from unacceptable behavior, and many people don't do this and get sucked into a bad or dead end relationship because of it.

[The_Seeker]

Hahaha I believe this is called Circular Dating. Am I correct?

 

;] I get it now. You want the title "Wifey!" LOL Not a bad idea.

[Ms Darcy]

Sandra, you have to realize that many guys WANT you to be focused on them, whether they are right for you or not. The idea that you may be assessing their behavior in the beginning is scary, knowing you can be with a guy who treats you better/is better for you, and can make insecure men scream.

[Ms Darcy]

Dating two people at once is a very, VERY slippery slope. Most girls I know call it two-timing.

 

If you have actually dated multiple people at the same time, then you don't have the right approach. You should be open from day one that you are looking for a long-term relationship and exploring your options. Your scenario assumes dishonesty, which makes me think you don't really have the right idea. I find it fascinating people don't seem to get this concept. It's called courtship and it's actually very common culturally.

 

You let the person know you are interested in them, but that you want to see if you are compatible. People can "hide" their crazy for a few weeks, but not much longer than that.

[Batya33]

Hahaha I believe this is called Circular Dating. Am I correct?

 

;] I get it now. You want the title "Wifey!" LOL Not a bad idea.

 

Nope - I was just a woman who had a goal and figured out the most effective way for me to reach it, which was by availing myself of the opportunities to go on dates with different men until I found a man who was a good match for me.. No, it wasn't to have a title or be"wifey" -- that is so unlike me but I have a feeling you are a bit cynical/jaded about women yes?. With luck, timing and hard work, I've achieved my dream and goal. The work isn't over but it's joyful work. So far so good.

[BriarRose]

Nope - I was just a woman who had a goal and figured out the most effective way for me to reach it, which was by availing myself of the opportunities to go on dates with different men until I found a man who was a good match for me.. No, it wasn't to have a title or be"wifey" -- that is so unlike me but I have a feeling you are a bit cynical/jaded about women yes?. With luck, timing and hard work, I've achieved my dream and goal. The work isn't over but it's joyful work. So far so good.

 

But despite all those men you dated, your now-husband came back to you and you guys were exclusive right away (I know, he was going to be away, etc). My point is, it was meant to be, and the fact that you had been dating numerous men really had nothing to do with it. Had you not been dating anyone when he came back, I am sure you guys still would have rekindled what you had and still become exclusive.

 

I don't feel it is necessary to date more than one person at a time in order to find love.

[The_Seeker]

Nope - I was just a woman who had a goal and figured out the most effective way for me to reach it, which was by availing myself of the opportunities to go on dates with different men until I found a man who was a good match for me.. No, it wasn't to have a title or be"wifey" -- that is so unlike me but I have a feeling you are a bit cynical/jaded about women yes?. With luck, timing and hard work, I've achieved my dream and goal. The work isn't over but it's joyful work. So far so good.

 

No no no, you misunderstood my message. I was just teasing. Bad tease for you, then.

 

LOL I'm a girl. I have nothing toward women.

 

I'm just curious as to how it works, dating multiple people. I'm just very new to the dating and relationship world. Just had one so far. Could I pm you? I have several questions about it.

 

If you don't mind.

[newwave]

Just date but don't sleep with them. That's the number 1 mistake many women make early. It's one thing if you want a friends with benefits situation but looking to get married and this is a very bad idea.

[im sandra dee]

I agree it helps to keep perspective and not get attached too quickly. My boundaries were- no sex before being very serious and exclusive and I did not lie about dating others -if he asked me if I was I said yes. However, it was none of his business as far as the details so if he pried into my life as in "what are you doing Saturday night" when he hadn't asked me for a date for that night -I would say some variation of "going to a play/movie/dinner" but whether it was with a group or on a date was not his business and I found it crass when men talked about their other dates.

 

Batya33, your boundaries were no sex but what about kissing and other canoodling?

 

I agreed to go for a drink with guy number two after meeting him for coffee on Friday night because I wanted a chance to know him better so I could decide whether I'd continue seeing him. At the restaurant after hours of talking, he asked if I wanted to take a drive with him and I declined saying that it was getting late. I worried that he would try to kiss me and I wasn't ready for another man to kiss me because the guy I met three weeks ago still holds the number one spot for me.

 

I'm not sure that I'm going to let anyone kiss me on the first meet. I think that a hug, if I'm comfortable with it, is fine. Kissing can lead to other things.

 

Guy number one kissed me the night we met and it was wonderful and it led to other things.

[Batya33]

Yes there was kissing,etc- which can lead to other things only if you make that choice. I did not.

[Batya33]

But despite all those men you dated, your now-husband came back to you and you guys were exclusive right away (I know, he was going to be away, etc). My point is, it was meant to be, and the fact that you had been dating numerous men really had nothing to do with it. Had you not been dating anyone when he came back, I am sure you guys still would have rekindled what you had and still become exclusive.

 

I don't feel it is necessary to date more than one person at a time in order to find love.

 

What I meant was that if I only dated one person at a time I would not have accepted his invitations to get to know him again platonically - we weren't exclusive until we'd spent three platonic evenings together (two of them on Saturday nights) over a 3-4 week period. And it gave me perspective so that I wasn't too hung up on whether there was potential for us and I wasn't feeling desperate.

[newwave]

I never kiss a guy I'm just meeting on the first date. After all I don't know him. Of course this is different if it's someone I know already.