Wonderful new b/f... then sudden pull away/imbalance

[Nixee]

I've been seeing my boyfriend now for about 3 months and I think he is fantastic. He is smart, adorable, silly, fun and we really liked each other quite fast right off the bat which is rather rare for me... especially as it seems that the last several guys I've tried to date have ended up either going nowhere, or I felt not enough for. So this time I've been basking in the glory of having that "this is going to be a very solid, long term relationship with someone truly special!" feeling.

 

At least that is how it started. Now I guess we are deeper in the "getting to know you" phase and he has pulled away from me, and I don't know what to do.

 

Throughout the first couple months we were seeing each other I had no doubt that he was completely smitten with me - we most definitely had a honeymoon phase. He liked spending lots of time with me, he said more off-the-wall sweet things, etc. I felt special I guess. Now... not so much. Now it has become me chasing him to try and pin down when we are going to see each other next, him making a point to tell me that he feels a need to go slow, or have lots of alone time (he HAS that too... we only see each other once or twice a week). I feel like a good 75% of the time I make first contact.

 

I know reading that that most people will simply say to back off and let him come to me, that guys like to chase, etc etc... but my bf is not so much that way. Or maybe... I am just afraid he won't come to me at all.. I don't know, perhaps a bit of both He is the timid type

 

I have laid my feelings on the line and told him how I feel - that I like him very much, have begun to care deeply, etc... and I can feel him pulling away. And he admits it is true. He has had only one serious relationship, which ended over a religious incompatibility, and sometimes I fear he is holding me up to her, constantly evaluating how he expects things should be... and even though his feelings started out strong and with a bang, now he is backpedaling, fearing and retreating.

 

He also prefers to sleep alone. And though earlier in our relationship we slept over plenty and things seemed fine - no complaints (at least not that he let me know at the time) - now that he has backed off a bit, we will have nights where I will think he is staying over after a nice day or evening together, and it is late, and suddenly he just gets up and says he is leaving... leaving me feeling a bit hurt and rejected. I think I could compromise a lot easier on the sleeping thing here and there if I felt loved and connected otherwise. But I have general disconnect off and on... and I am kept at arm's length.

 

He tells me that he absolutely only wants to date me... that he wants to stay with me... and that he wants to let things build over time. He says that he takes time to warm up to people....or to feel comfortable being around them very frequently. He tells me that he is not leading me on, and that of course he feels long term love potential with me. And sometimes things still are good of course... he IS sweet, and I do have fun with him... but the distance and cold are there and I don't know how to bridge the gap, or force him to connect. And I feel hurt. And because of my hurt, things always feel a bit unbalanced, making me melancholy and him uneasy knowing that I am sad....which probably isn't helping him want to spend time with me anymore - the whole downward spiral/snowball effect thing.

 

I don't know what to do. Trying to act like what I feel is a "normal" girlfriend often ends with me feeling hurt - I want us to spend the night together, or know when I'll see him again, or talk .... but sometimes I have to wait hours and all day for a response if I ask him just a question, and I know he doesn't like to stay over... and just last night he dodged the question about when we will get together again (because the real answer is - whenever he doesn't feel like being alone). I feel like he wants me as his girlfriend, yet he is trying to keep it casual at the same time. He says he is definitely willing and trying to compromise - yet for him compromise is action, and action is good, but it does not replace feeling. Feeling and connection you cannot force... nor would I want to.

 

Am I wrong to feel like this? How do I fix this imbalance? Do I/we have hope?

[beancounter999]

This sounds very familiar to what happened to me. Unfortunately, the more he pulls away, the more we cling. The more we cling, the more he pulls away. It's like a rubber band. I did the exact same thing you did...told him how I felt, initiated a lot of the contact and our dates. 2 weeks ago, he broke up with me. He said he was honestly in love with me and thought I was the one, but he just didn't have the space he needed and felt suffocated, he felt that he no longer loved me.

 

So...I really encourage you to let go and give him his space. Space will not harm the relationship, but not giving him space definitely will! Trust me, I totally understand how difficult it is, but if you are really the one then he will be back! If not, then it's better that you know now.

 

Good luck to you!

[Nixee]

Thanks beancounter... I'm so sorry this happened to you Why are feelings and the balance of them so difficult sometimes? During the beginning stages it just felt so right and perfect. I had that feeling you get when you "just know" that something is right. And now... just a month or so later ... I don't know anything. Stupid and silly isn't it?

 

And ugh.. I really don't want to cling.. that is so not me. And I really don't think I am. We have daily contact, but it isn't excessive... certainly not abnormal I'd say. I've spoken to mere male friends more than him. But I guess it all depends on the person... and how much contact they wish for...

 

You are probably right, and I've been mulling it over for some time. I will likely continue to mull. But I may end up just telling him that I'm going to actively try to back off and put things more in his lap. He knows how vulnerable I feel.. so.. I guess that is the scary bit - facing letting him come to me. I'm afraid he either wouldn't at all... .or that I would get angry and bitter if lots and lots of time passed before he did and he just acted like it was no big deal while I felt abandoned... you know?

[Mauxly]

I used to believe in rubber band theory, that push pull is natural and that we as women needed to stifle our insecurities when this happens.

But I no longer believe this at all.

After decades of dating, having this happen to me, going through all sorts of emotional contortions and compromises to keep the man happy so he wouldn't continue to pull away, and taking note of what happened in friends and families healthy/ happy relationships...I've determined that rubber band theory is a load of pop science rubbish.

 

The simple fact is, men who fall in love quickly also fall out of love quickly. This is because they mistake the challenge and the infatuation rush with love. When the infatuation part of the relationship fades (as it always does) and they don't feel challenged anymore, they suspect they aren't in love and begin to pull away. Sometimes we react by clinging, this drives them further away. Sometimes we stifle this and pull away also, that renews the challenge and they come back. So it seems like it works right?

 

No, it doesn't. Because as soon as they get comfortable again, they'll pull away again. Setting you up for years of yo-yo drama. I've been in so many of these relationships, it doesn't get better.

 

My cure...truly believing that I am the only one in this world who is responsible for my own happiness and well being. And that is a huge responsibility. That if I'm not happy in a relationship, I have to address the problems and if my other doesn't meet me half way, I leave and don't look back. I don't blame them, don't make it a drama, I just acknowledge that we aren't right for each other and move on. You can see from my earlier posts on ENA that I wasn't always like this, therapy got me here.

 

Anyway OP, you aren't getting your needs met. Simple. You've expressed your concerns and nothing has changed. This is a new relationship, and you don't have too much invested. Time to bail.

 

I guarantee you that he will attempt to spring back into your arms. Don't take the bait. It will just start the cycle over.

 

There are plenty of wonderful men out there who want.what you want, you just need to find them. You won't find them while staying with in a relationship that you are constantly trying to fix.

 

I'd like to add-

Be VERY wary of anyone who professes love before they've had a chance to get to know you (3 months is a drop in the bucket). Don't allow yourself to get fully emotionally emersed until you truly know them, this takes a long time. If you get emotionally tangled prior to really knowing them, you set yourself up for perpetually compromising on your needs because of the premature attachment. It's difficult I know. Hollywood had taught us that true love as a whirlwind, love at first sight, radda radda...but more often than not, that wonderful little whirlwind turns into a tornato.

[somegirl30]

Sounds like my recent relationship. At first I was very careful and guarded. He was so into me and after he had me meet his kids I began to let that guard down. I began to care for him and we were intimate. A couple weeks after all this, I could feel him holding back suddenly. Pulling away, as you put it. He dumped me early this week... Sorry, I don't know what to tell you b/c I'm still confused myself.

[Caterpilla]

Do you think he could be tired from work and needs his own space from work and relationship too? Maybe he is scared of getting hurt too if he had problems with his last relationship. Had he been split up long from his last relationship and was he with her long?

[Nixee]

Thanks for the input. I guess I should say that he never professed "I love you" to me or anything like that early on... we simply liked each other very much right off the bat - it felt like a very normal and quite wonderful beginning to something great - exactly what I had been missing for a long time.

 

By your own rules actually, *I* am the one he should be wary of in this scenario, as I am more emotionally invested here (though I hardly think I am acting crazy over him, or towards him), because I do like him quite a lot after our 3 months together and am eager and hungry to get to know him deeper and faster, while he is the one who asks for slow pacing.

 

He tends to keep only a very small circle of friends and says he takes a very long time to get to know people and let them in. He says he is like that with everyone, and has always imagined it would be months and months before he would truly feel comfortable letting his next romantic partner all the way in. But I guess what makes me feel emotionally confused is just the way that he seemed to "fall" so fast for me right off the bat, and yet now has put on the brakes and gone into slow mode. Logically, I can believe him with what he has told me about himself... but emotionally it REALLY stings to go to this pace from where we were. So no... I'm not getting my needs met. But... how do I just bail if this could truly be who he just is?

 

 

 

He is only working part time at the moment actually. But.. he does actually work some odd hours and have odd sleep patterns, so sure... that is part of our conflict.

 

And yes, being scared of being hurt always plays a part too. He only had one serious relationship before, and he is even still friends with her, which makes me feel a bit insecure at times. They have been split up for two years, but sometimes he hints that she has wanted him back, even though she dumped him. I don't think he would ever go back to her... yet I wonder at times if he has had expectations that our relationship, or any relationship, should be like theirs was.

 

Generally speaking, he just describes himself as the type of person who really values a lot of alone time.. which I am fine with, because I also like alone time. But I am also a planner, and like to know when I will see my partner next (or at least have a vague idea). And feeling connected - mentally, emotionally, sexually, spiritually - is all very important to me. And I am highly logical at times (which he can be too, though we are both silly)... but I am also a romantic... and the sudden disconnect and lack of romance is a killer.

[DylanNotorious]

I don't think it's you per-say. I think he's freaking out of the idea of "having a relationship" with you. It's the idea of the relationship that freaks him out - not you.

 

So unfortunately you should back way off. No conversations need to take place, you just do your own thing and see if he misses you.

[Nixee]

I don't think it's you per-say. I think he's freaking out of the idea of "having a relationship" with you. It's the idea of the relationship that freaks him out - not you.

 

So unfortunately you should back way off. No conversations need to take place, you just do your own thing and see if he misses you.

 

I've seen this happen with a couple guys before, so I know what you are talking about... but with this guy I'm really not so sure. I guess he might be a bit timid because of the hurt he experienced with his ex a couple years ago, and just his more anti-social nature in general... but he is VERY relationship minded and monogamous.

 

He's had only one real relationship, been with one person, and openly told me that a serious relationship is what he wants more than anything. How am I not to believe it is me? ... Or at least... our pace/his feelings for me?

[Ms Darcy]

This is spot on.