Haunting What Ifs

[marcs]

I am just past 2 months BU out of a 5 year relationship, im not getting any better. Still having dreams about her, waking up in a panic usually takes until midday to get over the dreams. Everyday I seem to find a new way to beat myself up. Today I keep thinking why didnt I propose to her when I had a chance but was to lazy none of this would have happened. I just keep reliving regrets and it sends me into a downward spiral. Its like I keep romantacising that she was perfect and I did everything wrong. In my mind the bad things that I did far outweigh the bad things she did to me, its like those thoughts get stronger everyday. Does anyone else ever do this. Its really making me sick!

[GotMyLifeBack]

Since my BU over 4 months ago, I have scoured my soul in search of anything and everything I did that contributed to the demise of my relationship. I did this so I knew in what ways I needed and wanted to grow, not to beat myself up. I'm also well aware that my ex had a significant role. That's pretty common. I hate cliches, but it really does take two to tango.

 

The regrets hurt, and they hurt a lot. I wonder if I could have done better. With what I know now I could do better, but back then I think I was doing my best given the circumstances.

 

Two months isn't that long. Find a space in your heart to forgive yourself for ways you fell short. Try to learn everything you can and improve yourself. If feeling pain could bring back an ex, mine would be sitting right next to me. But it doesn't work that way. Use your pain to be the best person possible, and this will make your future the best possible too.

[The_Seeker]

5 year relationship without proposal? Ouch.

 

First, just breathe. I don't know your full story of what happened exactly, macs.

 

I do know what you need to do is get yourself back before you even met her. Just breathe and stay hydrated.

 

During my first 3 days of the breakup I felt like the worst girl in the world, but then I told myself to get my act together and that I was never like this before I met him. Hence, my goal was to get me back.

 

Good luck getting yourself back. You're human. You're suppose to make mistakes and correct them.

[Blackey]

Marcs, my friend, this is a normal thing you are going through.

2 Months in a relationship of 5 years is absolutely nothing, you are only in the initial stage of the grieving process.

Having dreams and beating up yourself really badly are only a couple of highlights of the initial stage, but just for you to know, these are your psychological defence mechanisms trying to defend you from the exsessive stress you are in right now and to promote your healing.

 

The bad news is that the dreams, beating up yourself, and the "What ifs" will continue to bother you really badly for another month or 2 months, so you have to be really strong and to hold on there, but the GOOD NEWS is that healing is a gradual process with stages (grieving stages) and that ultimately with each stage you are finishing, you are closer to acceptence, which is being healed.

Learn as much as you can about the grieving process and about break up as a whole, it will tramendously help you to predict what you will be facing with and to prepare for it.

 

In addition, stick to this forum as much as you can, every time you feel bad, just come here, most of the members know exactly how you feel because they either been there, or experience it right now, so you will get a great support in this place.

 

It does get better, think about the first 4 days of your break up, how terrible it was? and think about now, even though there hasn't been that much of a big improvment, you can definitely feel that there is a slight improvement overall, and thats how it work, slowly you will improve and heal.

Try now to be too stressed about the dreams and about the beating up yourself, MOST OF THE PEOPLE ON EARTH have to deal with exactly the same thing you are dealing with right now, its completely natural and it shows that your psychological defence mechanisms are working hard to clear all the psychological "toxins" you got.

In time it will get much better, you have a living proof right here, i came here in the same situation you came, and right now to a large extent i can say that im healed, and im here to help anyone who is in need for help, just like i've been help with i came here all crushed, ruined and depressed.

I wish you good luck my friend, and remember there we are always here for you to help you.

[Diggitydave]

My pdoc told me what ifs are projections of ur fears guilt and shame manifesting into a false reality. They have little evidence of being true or have little purpose other than to perpetuate themselves and keep you stuck

[marcs]

thankyou all so much for your kind words, they mean alot to me. My story is long and it hurts too much to relive it right now. Maybe soon I might post it. . Ive lost alot of my friends, we have drifted apart so its hard. All I have is my family. I'm also out of work which doesnt help. Im really messed up. Im more than qualified in my field but im scared to find work, because it ties into the breakup. Starting a new job right now is going to hurt me. I am going through every single little event that happened with her. I pushed her away and I think I know why - childhood trauma. When I was with her I was just so busy, i could never find enough time. Now I got nothing but time. Everything reminds me of her especially music. So Im watching alot of tv, but im really getting sick of it. I have nothing to look forward to. Nothing really interests me anymore. /end rant

[Ms Darcy]

If you pushed her away, most of your suffering can be rooted in guilt. Maybe that even explains romanticizing her ... so you feel even worse about what you did. I think this is one of those situations where you should really journal and think about how the ending of the relationship was caused by both of you. Good luck.

[J1535]

You are not alone with this. These past few days I have been going over everything I did that caused our break up. I feel awful, I wish I could have done things differently. But the fact is we can't. Just try not to blame yourself so much. Those things are in the past and it's time to move on as a better person, learn from your mistakes. I only hope I can take my own advice haha.

 

I completely understand how you feel, I lost my job and my gf at the same time. It's been hard. I have no motivation to go out and find a job and it's really hurting me. I sit at home all day and beat myself up over how I messed up. I don't have a reason to get out of bed in the morning, it's the worst feeling and I'm sure you are familiar with it.

 

Good luck with your healing, feel free to shoot me a message if you ever want to talk

[marcs]

Ms Darcy - I think you hit the nail on the head. Its the guilt. But I never did it intentionally, it was moreso a reaction to things she did if you know what I mean. I think I did it to change certain things or make her realise or view certain things about herself that in my eyes that hurt me or annoyed me about her that I know I could not change. Things that I could not bring up in an argument cause it would hurt her. Does that make sense?

 

J1535 - thanks man i appreciate it. Your mind plays funny tricks on you when your lonely and you start believing your minds lies.

[Ms Darcy]

It was moreso a reaction to things she did if you know what I mean. I think I did it to change certain things or make her realise or view certain things about herself that in my eyes that hurt me or annoyed me about her that I know I could not change. Things that I could not bring up in an argument cause it would hurt her .

 

That's very unhealthy my friend. As you move on to new relationships, you need to be comfortable enough to bring things out in the open. Direct communication is key; without it there is no relationship. So, it sounds like:

-You need to grow more comfortable with communication

-Communicate concerns oustide of an argument

-Recognize that if someone is doing things to hurt you (and you talk to them about it) maybe they are not the right person for you

[Diggitydave]

I think confronting and making sense of a lot of the guilt will help you my friend. It seems to be pretty apparent that there is an issue there the more I read this thread

[TimeToGrowUp]

Hey Marcs ....

 

It'll get better. When will it get 100% better? Couldn't tell you. I've been down the road you're traveling. My ex- broke it off around this time last November. Tried to do it over text message until I demanded she at least call me. Turns out she was cheating on me with her trainer (among others) and moved in with him literally days after our 4.5 year relationship was done ... oh and I too had not yet proposed to her (part concerns and part stress about my financial situation) and lost my job within 2 months of the breakup.

 

Initially I apologized all over myself. I remember I begged and pleaded with her on the phone when she was ending it. Throughout much of the rest of this past year I've held some resentment towards her for how easily she made me feel as though I was the culprit. She managed to do one heckuva job of projecting her wrongs completely onto me .... and by moving into a new relationship so quickly she never had to directly deal with her role because her time was occupied. Eventually that denial broke down though (7 months later) when I got her text message about wondering whether we're where we're supposed to be.

 

At any rate, I understand your thought process. Like I said, I'm a year into this and I'm still digesting it all. The dreams, thoughts, and familiarities will cease with time. Will they completely go away? I cannot say that. If you really cared/loved you'll think of stuff like that on random occasions because of it. Like you though I sit and wonder sometimes. I always knew she had a "past". In the first 6 months of dating she was falling head over heels for me. I was like no other guy she had been with. She wrote me a love letter professing her desire to change her whole life because of what a great guy I was. I keep thinking back to that letter. I often wonder if I crushed that great girl who was trying to come out. Did I crush her because I didn't fall as quickly as she did? Did I crush her because I was indecisive? Did I crush her because my attention got away from us as I was experiencing the agony of various life difficulties?

 

Like that old saying goes - the chicken or the egg? It's almost pointless to dwell on it as many have said .... but yet we do. In my case it's warranted but almost unwarranted at the same time. Mature people do not handle things the way she handled them and NOTHING warrants cheating ..... but sometimes I wonder to myself did I bring about that behavior? Would I have had to toe a fine line for the rest of our time together in order to not make her behave so poorly? That's also what I should be asking myself.