How do I deal with my mother and Thanksgiving?

[floridagirlal]

My parents live 800 miles away. My brother lives 300 miles in another direction. We started talking about Thanksgiving about 2 months ago when I asked everyone to come to my house during that week. It was all agreed upon until my grandfather asked my mother to stay in their town for Thanksgiving because there was a family reunion scheduled for the weekend. Since my grandfather is 80+, my mother agreed to stay so she could attend the reunion. At that point, my brother said he would still come to my house and keep the original plan. I asked my mother if they could come at any time between T-giving and Christmas so we could at least see each other. She said she would try.

 

As of today, our plan is that my brother's family, my family, and my bf's whole family will eat together on T-giving like we did last year.

 

My mother calls today. She wants to invite me and my children and my bf to their town for T-giving. She doesn't give any thought to the fact that we've already made plans and even if we didn't make plans, my bf has a son & daughter to think about. It's just not that easy. She offered to pay for plane tickets.

 

There are multiple reasons why I don't want to go.

1. I was already planning on spending it with my bf and family. My mother is the one who changed this plan.

2. Their house is a mountain of crap...boxes everywhere from a recent move, floors half way ripped up because they wanted to change out carpet. Just a MESS!

3. I don't give a flip about going to a reunion. They are all 80 years old AT LEAST and I don't want to spend my time sitting around with people who are total strangers to me.

4. Probably the biggest thing of all is that my mother takes a mountain of drugs for pain from a number of different ailments. These cause her to sleep until at least noon and even nap again at some point during the day. This is not enjoyable and really makes me angry on some level.

5. My bf can't go because of his children so I would have to go alone with my kids.

 

Is it selfish of me to not want to go? Is it selfish that I would rather spend the time at home with my bf? I mean, would they expect me to leave my husband if we were married? My mother wouldn't leave my dad for a holiday like this.

 

Ugh. I'm just so frustrated that she is trying to change the plan at the last minute. She needs to understand that now that I'm divorced, things will never be the same. There are more people to think about...kids will be shuffled between houses...it's just not all about her.

[DN]

I think you should stay with your boyfriend if he can't go with you.

[courtney06]

Yea I'd go with your boyfriend and let your mom know you'll call her on Thanksgiving. You're old enough where you can make your own decisions.

[floridagirlal]

This is surprising. I was expecting to be told that I'm being selfish. Why do you think I should stay with my bf?

[DN]

Because those were the plans that were made and your mother is the one who wants to change them knowing your boyfriend can't be there.

[catfeeder]

"Mom, I'm really touched you'd want to include me in the plans you've made with Grandpa. I've already had people accept my invitation to come here, so why don't we set up our own Thanksgiving the week or two after?"

 

The good news about any holiday is that it's just a DAY, and we're the ones who imbue it with meaning. If it falls on a time we're overburdened, we've got the option to change it to whenever we want.

 

For my own head, I'd allow people the luxury of not understanding or appreciating every difficulty their invitations might raise for me. Most people don't think that hard--something just 'sounds good' to them, and nobody's trying to impose a problem on me. It's not necessary to think of anyone as a villain in order to turn them down. That just cranks up a guilt factor that otherwise wouldn't need to be there.

 

EnjOy your Thanksgiving. Freely.