Dumped by GF - do I have any chance of getting her back?

[Satch]

Hi,

 

My g/f just broke up with me. She said that she didn't want this (the relationship) anymore, she couldn't see us together in future, and did not feel like her own person anymore. She also told me that she did not love me enough to be in a relationship anymore, and had grown apart from me.

 

We were together for 2.5 years ibn total, living together for 2 years. I was happily married at the time she approached me, and I turned her down. But over time, we grew closer together. On top of that, my wife cheated on me (married 7 years), which ultimately helped me make a decision. I was 30 at the time, and my g/f was 20. She seemed more mature than her age indicated. I disappointed my family and lost a lot of friends when I left my wife for her. I made huge sacrifices, and my g/f knew that.

 

We had a really good time together - the best 2.5 years of my life. I believe she loved me (would tell me), and I loved her (although I had trouble saying so for some reason [i'm a typical guy]). I considered her to be the perfect woman for me.

 

But somehow in the space of two months she fell out of love with me. I cannot understand how someone can flip/flop like that in such a short space of time. Despite my many sacrifices, she was not interested in even trying to work through things. I feel really disappointed and hurt. I love her more than anyone, and desparately want her back.

 

She is really stressed at work at the moment, and hates her job. My job is moving to a new city soon, and she was always going to move with me. Despite our breakup, she is still moving to that same city, and has just got a job there with the company she is currently with. This was always our plan.

 

She is going through 3 of the most stressful things in life 1) ending a relationship, 2) new career, and 3) moving to a new city. Is she really thinking straight?

 

Throughout our breakup, I've continued to be the perfect gentleman. I've help her pack up her stuff and move out of my life, despite the heartache and pain I'm experiencing. I've also written and sent her a letter explaining my feelings, apologising for some of the things I did badly (selfish behavour), telling her that even though I am heartbroken I must move on, and letting her know that if she ever finds love in her heart again for me, I'd be willing to talk if I am at the right place in my life.

 

I feel I've done everything I can, but really want her back one day. What can I do now? I know most of you will say "just move on", but if I was to win her love back, what are the best strategies? Deep down I believe she is confused and doesn't really know what she wants. All comments will be appreciated!

 

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

[Satch]

I recently sent her a letter, and it follows. I would be interested in receiving feedback on this letter, especially from females as I do not really have any female friends.

 

Dear (partner),

 

 

As you have become aware over the last few weeks, I'm the sort of person who likes to write my thoughts and feelings down. It helps me get through tough times like I am currently experiencing. So I just wanted to write you this letter to let you know the things that are on my mind about you, our relationship, and us. Please keep this letter safe, and read it whenever you think of me.

 

Over two years have passed since the day my heart found love for you, and when my life changed forever. This time together has undoubtedly been the best years of my life. This is despite my marriage break up and all of the sacrifices made, and the loss of my job. I disappointed my family and lost a lot of friends to be with you. In contrast, the last few weeks have been the worst time of my life. It has been so difficult to see the love of my life slip away. It has been an extremely painful experience.

 

There was something about you that made me feel like I had never felt before. When I looked at you, nothing could turn my eyes away. When I held you, it felt as if we were the only two who existed. No one else mattered.

 

I remember my friends and family questioning if we had a future together when we first met. My parents, (friend), and (friend) all said to me at one stage to be careful, because due to our age difference, things might not last long. I had considered this too, but because I started falling in love with you, I wanted to believe that we would be together forever. Over time, they too believed that this was not going to be something brief. I realised that you were a much more mature person than you age, and over time forgot there was an age difference between us. I now reflect on this and wonder if the age difference was a major factor in our break up. Perhaps you feel that you have so much more in life to experience.

 

Initially I thought why a gorgeous young woman like you was so interested in me. I suffered with terrible insecurities about our relationship, thinking that you would soon find someone better and leave me. These insecurities started to disappear the closer we grew to each other. I also used to say to you a lot that "you better keep that for when we break up". Sometimes I can still hear your voice telling me that we will never break up. But that is all gone now. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep wishing I still had you. Being in your arms again is something I dream about often.

 

Over time, I started to fall deeper and deeper in love with you, and suspected that you were doing the same. Our relationship was built on a foundation of love and respect. It gave me that warm fuzzy feeling, making my head spin and my heart race. Those feelings were new to me, and created only by you.

 

Being a typical guy, I always had trouble with saying 'I love you'. My feelings for your were sure, but I seemed to have difficulties in expressing it verbally. I would always skirt around this area by saying or doing cryptic things. I would say "you must be blind" (i.e. blinded by love), and write I LOVE YOU...R HAIR on you back in bed. I think you knew what I was trying to say, but it was no substitute for telling you properly. It became a game after a while, threatening to tell me 'mushies' if I didn't do something. I know I cannot turn back time, but I only wish I told you earlier that I loved you. I really regret never properly doing so. I long for the times that you would kiss me goodnight and whisper "I love you" softly into my ear. I would always go to sleep with a big smile on my face and content in my heart.

 

You were always willing to support me in everything I did and experienced. One particular time I really appreciated you support was during the period that I was unemployed. I went through some pretty low times, but you pulled me through every time. For that I offer you a tremendous amount of gratitude, and truly appreciate your support. I cannot thank you more for your help and love during this tough time.

 

I cherish the really good times we had together. It's the simple things that make the most difference for me. Things like going for walks together, shopping, cuddling up in front of the TV watching our favourite programmes together, going out together, laughing, 'tickle time', talking, making love, going to bed and waking up next to each other every morning, trying new things, having fun together...the list goes on. These things will be in my heart and memories forever.

 

I regret the terrible things I have said to you. I tended to open my mouth without thinking, which was totally unfair on you. I've made huge mistakes with the subjects of marriage and children. Nothing would have made me a happier man than to hold you as my wife, and being the proud father of our children. The prettiest thing I could imagine is seeing you walk down the aisle towards me in white, about to become my wife. And nothing would have made me more satisfied than being the father of our children. I understand the mistakes I have made and am prepared to confront the consequences.

 

I know that I handled the situation with my ex wife really badly. I never intended this. All I ever wanted to do was keep my old life separate from my new life with you. I acknowledge that I did it all wrong, and hurt you in the process. I should never have hurt my one true love, but I did and I will never forgive myself for that.

 

Please also remember the good things that I brought to our relationship. Although I find it hard to talk about myself, I feel that I displayed some really good qualities to you. Remember when you first experienced those excruciating stomach pains? I was so worried about you that I rushed you to the hospital during the middle of the night. My loving and caring for you made me so concerned about your well being. My generous nature also allowed me to share everything I had with you. It made me so satisfied that you were comfortable in our home. I was very dependable for you. If I said I would do something with or for you, I would do so. I never like to let anyone down. As I've already mentioned, we had some really fun times. Having fun is one of the qualities I liked to share the most with you. I have never lied to you, and being honest with the people I love is the only thing I can do. I have never put on a front to you, as I believe that being genuine and sincere are two of the most important things in a relationship. I am always well presented, and this was a trait that you liked in me. I was always interested in what you had to say and were doing. You were fond of my personality, and the humour I displayed constantly. I found with tremendous joy that it was easy for me to make you laugh and smile.

 

I've read a lot of information on relationships over the past few weeks, and found that one of the most important aspects is communication. We had love, caring, trust, honesty, loyalty and attraction in our relationship, but perhaps the thing that was missing was communication. I was lousy at telling you how I felt, and you seemed to have trouble telling me towards the end. This may have been the ultimate cause of our break up, and I sincerely apologise for not communicating my feelings with you more often.

 

I consider you as being the perfect woman for me. There is honestly nothing about you that I did not like. You are a very loving, caring, honest, loyal, and trustworthy person. You are exceptionally attractive in terms of physical beauty, to the point where I would quietly go weak at the knees every time you entered the room. As well as your obvious outer beauty, I was also really attracted to your inner beauty. I could see things in you that no one else could. My deep love for you made this more obvious. Every time you look into the mirror, remember that you are the most beautiful girl in the world, because that's what I think every time I look at you. And every time I close my eyes, I see your image and fall in love with you again.

 

You are a very fun person to be with, which made me want to spend so much time with you. Your personality is better than anything I could ever imagine. You are always optimistic about things, which was a good compliment to my sometimes pessimistic view on things. You made me feel like a complete person when you were with me. Nothing ever made me feel as happy as when you were by my side.

 

I literally enjoyed spending every spare moment together with you. My workday went fast at the prospect of coming home to you every night. I always looked forward to weekends where we could spend even more time together and grow our love together. I suppose this is a natural situation for any serious relationship. I never wanted to smother you, but I loved you and cared for you so much that I wanted to spend my every waking moment with you.

 

I liked to buy you nice things and lend you money to buy nice things you couldn't afford, as it was one way to make you happy. When you were happy, I was ten times happier. I earned more money that you and was happy to share it with you. Sharing is a big part of my nature. But I did not consider the fact that I was putting you further into debt, which may have cause some insecurities for you. Had I realised this earlier, I definitely would have addressed it. I am really sorry if I made you feel like a kept woman. This was the last thing I wanted to do. My generosity made me blind to this fact.

 

While you were in (home), I did a lot of soul searching. I ended up ripping myself apart. Despite the tremendous pain and heartache I was enduring, it was a really good exercise for me. It has helped me identify my weaknesses so I am able to eliminate these from my life. I am committed to make the necessary changes to make myself stronger.

Also while you were in (home), I considered factors like the stress you were experiencing in your job. You used to come home after work and tell me that you never felt you got any work done due to your team constantly needing your attention. You are a key member of the team and are called on to coach others. You also carried the added stress of having to work significant extra hours during June, and being part of the high potential group (something that I was so proud of that I used to boast about it to my friends, family, and colleagues!). You also said to me at one stage "John, I hope that no one else applies for the HR role so they just give it to me as I hate interviews". I tried to convince myself that all this stress had brought about the feelings you had about our relationship, and after spending a week away, you might have come to this realisation. Sadly this did not seem to be the case.

 

I would selfishly tease you about other girls to get a jealous reaction. You were the only person for me and I could never have considered anyone else. I loved and cared for you more than I ever have for anyone. I can honestly say that I loved you more than I ever loved my ex wife. You were a very special person to me, and everyone could see that. I never wanted to hurt my love, and it kills me that I did.

 

I grew to know and love your family, and was really looking forward to the day I was part of your family. It seems as if I have blown my chance, and I sincerely regret this.

 

It is rare to ever come accross someone that you think is your soul mate, but I truly believed that you were this person and we were destined to spend the rest of our lives together. My belief is still there, but accept that you do not feel the same way about me. It makes me feel gloomy that I have found someone that I really want to spend the rest of my life with, but that person does not feel the same way about me. Even if your heart can never love me again, I would like you to remember that I love you, and I will never be the same without you. You've touched my soul as no one ever will, and my heart will always relive the moments that we've shared together.

 

They say that everyone has an angel. I'm convinced that you were my angel. You were always there to guide me through the good times and bad. You were always the bright light at the end of my dark tunnel. I never thought anyone could be so perfect until I met you and fell in love with you. This comes from the depths of my heart.

 

The absense of you in my life has proven to be a very difficult thing for me to come to terms with. You were the biggest part of my life, and now that has disappeared leaving a large hole in my life. I feel empty and without purpose. You meant that much to me. I know over time I will grow stronger again, but will always look back at our relationship with fondness.

 

(partner), you were my lover and my best friend. I am exceptionally sad that I have lost my lover, but hope that I have not lost my best friend too. I really hope that we can remain friends, and continue to talk and do things together as friends do. This will obviously become harder over time as we move into new relationships, but you will always have a special place in my heart. No one could ever occupy the place that you hold in my heart. That place is yours forever.

 

I love you with all my heart (partner), and only want you to have the best out of life. If that best does not include me, then so be it. This is a testament to my unconditional love for you. I must now get on with my life, but will never forget the precious time we have spent together

 

I pray for the day that your heart remembers me again, and the flame you held for me re-ignites. If you ever feel you've made the wrong decision to end our very special relationship, please let me know. If I am at the right stage of my life, I would work really hard to overcome the issues so we are able to build an even stronger bond. With each golden sunrise, I dream that it brings us one day closer to being back together again.

 

Take care, and please keep in touch.

 

Always thinking of you,

[kissonthelips]

Hey,

 

Since you said "I must get on with my life", I can't imagine a 23 year old girl coming back.... I know you're in pain, but there is no reason why a man can't say "I love you" when he does love. She's young and needs to move forward. Also, your slight inuendos about how "you gave up everything for her" could only make her feel angry. Just relax and be fun to be around and work on yourself. it'll get better.

[Satch]

Hi kissonthelips,

 

Thank you for taking the time to read my post, although I do not totally understand your response.

 

What I can say is my "gave up everything for her" comment was FACT. This is the only threatening thing I put in this letter. But it was FACT. She needs to understand that after someone makes such big sacrifices for her, she should at least consider trying to work through things, not bolt.

 

After all, her reasoning for not loving me anymore was "I don't know why".

[kissonthelips]

I actualy think that "I don' know why " is an honest answer. you are totally taking for granted her age. She's not experienced the way you are and seems not focused on "over psychologizing" things. In a way, it's neat, pure and straight. She stopped loving, so she's leaving. I think as long as you focus on what "you gave up", you won't get out of it. Love is unfair, unjust, there are no rules, it's not an accounting class. You went with ehr because you wanted to; you gave up your ,arriage because you wantd to be with her. Don't regret it.

[Satch]

Age is not an issue for me.

 

I'm glad it all seems so simple for you, because the whole situation beats me! She told me one Friday night that she wasn't happy anymore, then for the entire weekend told me that she loved me, and would marry me one day. We even made love. Then she turns around 5 days later and leaves....

 

And yes I did want to be with her, my decision. But she did chase me.

 

I still want to be with her....

[Satch]

I emailed my ex this afternoon to see if she wanted to get together for lunch on Friday. I still have a couple of her things to return, and she owes me a little bit of money.

 

I was pleasantly surprised tonight when she rang me (not emailed) about lunch on Friday. She was very upbeat on the phone to me. She said that she had a deadline on Friday, so could she call me Friday morning to confirm lunch. She said if she couldn't make Friday, then we would definitely do lunch next week. She also told me what had gone on in her life the last couple of days.

 

I am on a high now! She actually called me rather than emailing back. I know I shouldn't get my hopes up too high, but surely this is a minor win for me? What do others think?

[craigblitz]

I think you will drive yourself insane if you start looking for little signs and what not. It is positive she retuenred the communication yes, but buddy it is early in this game for you don't be getting too high. Maybe a little less puffing and a lot more passinfg at this point.....lol

[Scout]

She probably called instead of emailing to pacify you a bit, maybe because there is money involved. Definitely don't get your hopes up because of this. Sorry, but to me it sounds like she is positive she wants it to be over. Another poster said that because of her age, she is able to make it a much cleaner break. I'm afraid that's true. It's the rare 20 something year old that can commit to a life-long relationship.

[Satch]

Does anyone else have any advice/thoughts to offer me?

 

How should I handle our lunch tomorrow?

[craigblitz]

At lunch just be yourself. Honest, sounds like non-advise but that is what you should do. DO NOT bring up rellationship talk, if she does great, if not then great. Seriously have lunch do what needs to be done and part ways

 

If you keep it low pressure and enjoyable I willing to bet another lunch date or whatever can be arranged in the future.

[Satch]

Thanks for the advice Craigblitz. That's exactly what I intended doing. I think I will be strong enough not to mention any feelings, and we'll be meeting in a public place anyway, making this hard to talk about.

 

I'll keep it cool. When I asked her out for lunch, she probably thought back to our last phone conversation, and thought "well, that was nice to talk to him. He didn't get heavy and start talking about feelings, so why not". I want to leave this impression on her again tomorrow, so next time I suggest lunch she will think back to last time, and feel comfortable to be around her. Then I will ask her to go to the movies with her...and so on.

 

Eventually she will get caught in my web...mwwhaaa haa haa! (ok, this line is a little light humour).

[hunterboyhun]

heh god bless you satch, i hope you get your wish, and not only does she come back, but re-newed and strengthened in her love for you AND as warm as you remember her from the good days.

 

but keep on reading these posts man, i have feeling there may still be some tough times ahead and if nothing else these people's stories can really help put things in perspective a bit.

 

i feel for you, as a new member of the thirties club myself, it definitely seems a bit of a trip. you feel less able to just write a relationship off as another 'fish in the sea' and carry on with the confidence of for sure finding someone else out there in all the time you've got left in your life (like you could in your twenties). it does feel sometimes like only a hop skip and a jump to the forties and i don't know but if i'm still looking for someone right for me then then that seems kinda sad to me. no offence intended to anybody, it seemed kinda sad to me to lose who i thought was my ONE when i was 23. GUess its all relative.

 

anyway... good for you with the lunch and all, just keep on loving (it's a dirty job but someone has to do it )

 

bye

[Satch]

My ex just called, and postponed lunch until Monday as she is really busy today. She did give me prior warning that she might have to when we first arranged. I acted casual and said no problem. We have rescheduled for Monday.

 

She asked me about my weekend (she know's I'm going away with a couple of buddies), and told me to have a good time. I asked her about her plans for the weekend, and she told me she was catching up with a friend.

 

The conversation went really well, and we both talked to each other with interest and conviction. I'll post an update on Monday after my lunch with her.

[Scout]

I had a feeling she was going to postpone the lunch, because of how she responded when you initially invited her. And catching up with a friend - very vague sounding plans for the weekend. Satch, I think you should really prepare yourself for the fact that she's serious about this relationship being over. I'm sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear.

[Satch]

I am very comfortable with her reason for postponing lunch today. I actually used to work in the same team as her (did the same job), and know when her deadlines are etc. And today is one of those deadlines. So I am not surprised in the slightest.

 

I also know the friend who is in town at the moment. I've known this for a while, so fully believe her.

 

She is not playing games with me. She is not that sort of person. It all seems positive (as it can be) to myself and my friends who know her.

 

But thanks for your post Scout. It injects a sense of reality into the situation, which is what I also need.

[Scout]

Hey, if you're optimistic, than keep that feeling because it can only help. Maybe my take is just pessimistic, rather than realistic.

[Satch]

My ex phoned me this morning to confirm lunch today. I said I'm still keen and she said "cool".

 

I take heart in the fact that she actually called me to confirm (as opposed to emailing or not contacting me at all). I've got my fingers crossed that all goes well today.

 

Will post an update tonight.

[Satch]

Well, just got back from lunch with my ex. It went really well.

 

I greeted her by saying "wow, you look really good" (she really did!) and she said "Thanks, so do you".

 

We went for lunch and I got her to do most of the talking. Just catching up on what she had done over the last week and weekend. When she talked to me she was always smiling, and seemed really interested to talk to me. We both made lots of eye contact while talking, and this did not seem to make her uncomfortable.

 

After we ate, I suggested that we go for a walk, and she agreed. We continued to talk about 'light' things. I told her a second time that she was looking really good, and once again she responded by saying thank you and returning the compliment.

 

The lunch date was finally ended by me hugging her and saying that we should catch up again soon. She was about so say that we will do before she leaves, but stopped and said that "yes, we will".

 

All in all, a positive encounter. I tried to act confident throughout. Although nothing was mentioned about our relationship, I am encouraged by what happened. It is the first step in showing her the real me again.

 

Does this sound positive? I'd appreciate some comments from members.

[auburnslp]

I can say it doesn't sound negative...as far as sounding positive regarding the chances of a reconciliation, I don't know what to say there.

 

I'm going through the same thing. Went a couple months after the break up with no contact. Recently, we have been together, mostly little things, sharing a quick beer and chat, sat together at Church, etc. One big thing though-and it was huge-had her and her kids over for dinner last week, had a few drinks, ended up out back talking, about the questions I had over how and why and how does she feel, etc. I told her basically all the things you wrote in your letter to her. We kissed a couple times. All in all it was wonderful because at least I know she still loves me. But, she is no less committed to keeping the break up, and reconciling with her ex husband. She believes this is the right thing to do in God's eyes. Can't really argue with that. They will be vacationing together in Cancun in a couple weeks. So my point in telling you this story is that while it is nice that you two can be friendly, as I and my ex are discovering, it doesn't necessarily mean that she has changed her decision. Maybe she is, and I will hope that for you. But try to not get your hopes up too much-if you do and things don't work out the way you want them to, well, the pain will all return, probably worse than ever.

 

Protect yourself and your heart by keeping an objective view of everything, realizing that this is great, and a possible breakthrough, but that also it may be that she is showing you that she misses you and loves you still, but that she might not ever change her decision regardless of those facts. I am living it. And I am doing those things-even after our night together over here I refused to allow myself to hope, so that when we talked the next day and she told me she is still committed to doing the right thing, and that the best way we can express our love for each other is to remain apart, I wasn't destroyed. Of course I still wish she was mine-I very well might always wish that, we were soul mates as well. But I cannot live the rest of my life in hope and then disappointment over something I have no control over. Try to separate the mind from the heart here, and allow the mind to rule...because your mind will protect that heart. It's ok to hope a bit in your situation, I would say. But just be careful, and take care of yourself...Michael