Having an unexpected really bad 2 days..is this normal?

[Brandell]

Hi,

 

I thought I was doing well over the break up with my girlfriend over 3 months ago. I have now done about 10 weeks no contact and i was beginning to feel really strong. I even started to date again cautiously and go out with my friends. I was beginning to learn to laugh again and felt stronger.

 

For some reason though yesterday out of the blue i got a really intense feeling of missing my lost love. All these memories hit me out of the blue, the way we were together, her smile, her smell, the way she used to hold me. I had not seen her or heard from her but this just hit me, an overwhelming sense of sadness and missing her so much. I spent nearly all day crying and feeling such a sense of loss.

 

Today I went out in my car and I was hoping to see her, just a glimpse a smile but the truth is I am not ready to see her... as I still love her you see. Very much.

 

This no contact has been good for me on many levels. She hurt me very much with the breakup and it has been the only way for me to try and heal.

 

But the last couple of days I have just been a basket case. I miss her so much.

 

Can anybody relate to this? I was surprised these feelings hit me so hard for no reason, just when I thought I was doing well.

 

Thoughts appreciated

[Brandell]

Just to qualify: I guess I feel I am not doing aswell with my healing as I thought because I feel sick with loss again and even started to think about a possible reconciliation, calling her etc.. all the stuff I did at the beginning (with disastrous results).

 

All those feelings came back up though yesterday and I thought I was moving on? Maybe I have been in denial all this time. I DID feel stronger though.

 

Confused again now. I must be if I am thinking of breaking no contact.

 

Feel free to comment or relate guys.

[lady00]

deleted.

[lisaria]

Hi Brandell,

You are on the road to recovery (sounds like an ad doesn't it?), and it will take time. It has been over six months for me and I still have days like that. But the important thing is that you did not contact her. You felt so incredibly sad and wanting and needing for a while, but you got past that. It's not quite so bad today, is it? I contacted my ex a few times after months had passed and simply ended up being hurt more when he ignored them. So you are doing the right thing. Go out with your friends, date a little, but don't contact her.

You will have bad days, that is to be expected. You gave someone a part of you that they simply threw away. It wasn't good enough for them. Well guess what, they aren't good enough for you. You reached out, you loved someone and they rejected the love that you had. It hurts, damn it!!! But you will get through the bad days. They will not last. You did it at first, didn't you? The first days that felt like your world was crashing down around you. The godawful minutes when you thought your life was over. Then the hours when you just wanted to crawl in a hole and cover yourself because you felt like you couldn't face the day. But those days went by. So slowly. You got through them. You survived. It was so hard, believe me I know. But you got through them and you've been through the last ten weeks without hearing her voice, you can get through the next ten weeks without hearing it. Or seeing her. Or emailing her. Just stay strong. Because you are so much more stronger than you know. That's one thing you can thank her for. She's made you stronger. But don't contact her to do that. You don't need to. Just get through the next few days until you don't feel the ache or the need to contact her.

That need comes in waves. Some days you will feel like you could care less about her (or so you tell yourself) and other days you will be in the trough of the wave. Where you feel so far down, so lonely and so needy that you would give your soul to have her back. But you won't do that. You have pride, a little self respect. Why would you give her the satisfaction of knowing how much she hurt you.

I was cleaning up some stuff in my bedroom this morning and came accross some letters I had written to my ex after he split. He hurt me so unbelievably bad and so harshly that I can't understand it. Even after six months, it still hurts and for someone who supposedly cared about me, who claimed he did anyway. Who said he wanted me in his life forever, and all the other bs he lied to me about. You don't call that love. I don't know if there is a word for it....but it damned sure ain't love.

I guess I just wish that I had never contacted him after it was finally over and you will also wish that if you end up contacting her Brandell. Don't do it. You will end up sounding needy, no matter what you say. She will see through to that and it will make you feel worse. Just stay strong.

Hang in there.

lisa

[Brandell]

Thank you for your insightful comments It helps so much to know that there are other people out there who feel the same way. I mentioned I was driving around in my car today, sort of aimlessly, hoping to catch sight of her (she lives near me and tends to travel the same routes). I don't know why I did that because I really DID NOT want to see her because if I did I knew it would hurt so badly. So it was a moment of insanity. And all I could see around me were smiling couples in cars, happy families, smiling lovers walking in the sunshine and there I was driving in my car, tears streaming down my face, feeling like the loneliest and most unlovable person in the world. I did not feel like that last week but today and yesterday I did. It will pass I know but I am unlucky in one respect in that I am a very emotional person and in order to keep those emotions in check No Contact has been the ONLY way for me to cope.

 

The last thing I want to do is see her or talk to her but that is the only thing I need right now aswell. I know that makes sense to you

 

Thank you

 

Anybody please say how you feel in this post. There is alot of power in posts like these to combat pain. I really on your replies and the contact I get from all of you.

[CherryGrl]

Hi Brandell. Oh yeah, I know just what you are talking about. I've felt exactly like that in past relationships -- broke up with someone for a perfectly good reason, was better off without them even, but had moments of weakness where I wanted to be with them again so bad that I temporarily deluded myself into thinking that things would be different now if we were to get back together. So I called. And ultimately the result of making those calls was never good.

 

Those bouts of temporary insanity are to be expected, I think, when you are recovering from a relationship breaking up, but I agree with Lisaria, DON'T ACT ON THESE IMPULSES.

 

You haven't been out of this relationship for very long, actually. Only 12 weeks, 10 weeks with no contact. You just haven't had enough time to get over her, and the loss hits you harder on some days than others. I've had an experience where one of these very needy bouts, which I got thru without making a call, was actually followed by a lot of healing. I felt much better a week later and actually stopped thinking about this guy on a daily basis. So I really encourage you to stick with your plan and stay away from her.

[skynet74]

Hi Brandell,

 

I feel your pain. I was with my girl for 10 years. This past January she decided to leave. It hurt like hell. Still does. We got back together in March but she broke it off again in May. She showed me that she isn't ready to come back into my life. She's in Party Mode where she wants to go out to bars and clubs trying to meet new men. She's trying so hard to prove to herself that she is still desirable. Guess it's an Early Midlife crisis catching up with her. I can't compete with that. She's not herself right now. I tell people that her brain went on Vacation. It hurts, but what choice do we have but to cope.

 

I have been doing sporadic No Contact. Every time I give in and call her though I just end up feeling worse. So I definitely agree that you need to continue No Contact to feel better. Yes you will have good and Bad days. Last Monday I felt like killing myself from the pain I felt. But yesterday I actually felt calm like I was more glad that she wasn't around. 6 short Days and there was a world of difference in how I felt. Sometimes it doesn't make sense. You don't know why you feel better some days than others. That's just the way it is.

 

 

10 weeks of No Contact is awsome Brandell! Don't go back to square one. One single phone call can bring you back there. Don't take that chance. it's just not worth it. She'll eventually come to you when she is ready. My girl will to. Right now they are in their own little world. Let them travel down that path and make mistakes on their own. They won't forget about us. If we treated them well, that will stick with them for life and they will eventually want to call and talk to us. Just like you have your good and Bad days, your EX is having them too. Some days she is probably fine not talking to you. Other days she will be sitting home alone staring out the window thinking about you. One of those days she will feel the sorrow you felt yesterday while driving in your car. Then she will look at her phone and call you. It will happen. Just give it some more time. She needs space right now. If you can respect that, then she will come back to you with a new respect too.

 

Hang in there buddy. You are definitely Not Alone.

 

 

 

John

[deebee]

I thought I was doing well with No Contact too after my girlfriend dumped me. It seemed to be the only way forwards, but recently I feel I've been going backwards!

 

It was tough at first and I thought about her all the time. Then it slowly got better and I even felt good! But I discovered it wasn't a linear process.

 

The first time I really cried about it was two months after the split. I thought the worst had passed, but I was overcome with grief when I listened to 'Hallelujah' by Jeff Buckley. The pain of the loss really hit me. Maybe I repressed these feelings in order to just survive? Sooner or later they will come out.

 

She e-mailed me after two months, asking how I was and saying that she had a couple of things of mine. I replied courteously but briefly. Said I was OK, asked how she was, mentioned a couple of newsy items, said I didn't need the things back and left it at that. I knew I wasn't ready to see or speak to her and felt good about the way I handled it. But I also want to know how she is and what she is feeling.

 

Of course I have the usual fantasies where we meet up, rekindle our lost love and all is forgiven! But back in the real world, I know that No Contact is helping me move on. It's 'two steps forward, one step back', but I think it works. And there's always this forum for the bad days!

[skynet74]

Two Things to NEVER do when trying to get over a Break up.

 

#1. DO NOT look at pictures. Not of her and especially not of you two together.

 

#2. DO NOT listen to the Radio. It will kill you every time. If you have a few select songs you can listen to without getting emotional then put those on tape or Cd and listen to them. Or put on a Cassical radio station. Music like that won't bring up emotions. But limit the Radio right now. I find that even hearing music on Television is rough. During a Break Up Music is NOT our friend.

 

 

John

[deebee]

Two Things to NVER do when trying to get over a Break up.

 

#1. DO NOT look at pictures. Not of her and espacially not of you two together.

 

#2. DO NOT listen to the Radio. It will kill you every time. If you have a few select songs you can listen to without getting emotional then put those on tape or Cd and listen to them. Or put on a Cassical radio station. Music like that won't bring up emotions. But limit the Radio right now. I find that even hearing music on Television is rough. During a Break Up Music is NOT our friend.

 

 

John

 

I can see your point, but not sure if I agree. Is there a risk of repressing the natural grief by avoiding exposure to pictures and music? I would agree that constantly looking at pictures and endlessly wallowing in emotional music is not a good thing. But I think there's a grief process to be gone through, whether we like it or not!

 

Some music is most definitely your friend. It can be uplifting, take you out of yourself, or even make you think differently.

 

And if you can look at those pictures and feel less sad than you did before, then you're getting over it!

[lisaria]

Hey all,

I agree that you shouldn't look at old pics and listen to music that reminds you of them while you are still in the mourning period. The time to look at old pics is when you are past it. When you know you can look at them and not cry. When it will just be a pleasant memory not one that tears your insides out. Sure you have a grieving process to go through, but that doesn't mean you stick the knife in the wound over and over again. It does not help, it makes it worse. The whole idea is to heal.

[skynet74]

Right. and for me I feel that Not looking at photos and Not listening to music helps. Every time I go to a drug store and hear Music I leave there feeling worse. Every time my Divorced friend looks at photos of his Ex wife he in a bad mood the rest of the day. I think that most of are in the same boat. Yes there are emotions we need to go through to Heal. But intentionally making ourselves cry and feel worse is not the road of healing. It's the Road to torture.

 

We should be doing things that make us feel good. If we are crying and ending up in a bad mood all day then whatever is putting us there should be avoided right now.

 

If looking at photos of you two and listening to the radio makes you feel good, then Do It. But at this stage of the game I think that it's extremely rare those two things are going to put a smile on your face.

 

 

John