Triple444 Posted October 20, 2010 Share Posted October 20, 2010 Hi, I really need advice regarding a guy with a ‘pretend girlfriend’ as those I have spoken to do not seem to have an answer. Scenario: A guy (Adam) and I have been extremely attracted to each other for months and eventually went on our first 2 dates recently. During the course of the months he would occasionally raise the existence of a GF, but I have discovered that he has not had a girlfriend this year. I am not at liberty to disclose how I have come to this info as this is a public forum, but there is indeed no gf. We had the most beautiful second date and during a discussion he said that he and his gf went to San Francisco for a few days and I thought to myself “what a load of baloney!” The problem is that I cannot tell him that I know that the GF is fictitious so I smile and change the subject. My question: Why would someone who is clearly attracted to me and has hinted at future dates mention a non-existent gf? I can understand if he was trying to put distance between us but this is clearly not the case. Also, he is such a gentleman, reserved and certainly not a player, so this behavior seems to be a tad bizarre. I have tried in vain to figure this out, but to no avail. I am hoping that someone who knows someone who has done this can advise me as to why someone would do this? Link to comment
gidget1 Posted October 20, 2010 Share Posted October 20, 2010 Okay maybe first of all, be 150% sure he does not have a girlfriend. When you know for sure that there is no girlfriend... you should run. Far away. This is either a) REALLY WEIRD and he's a nutbag or b) it's a game he's trying to play Link to comment
faolanblood Posted October 20, 2010 Share Posted October 20, 2010 Well if he truly does not have a girl friend and he is saying he is then some thing is not right and for whatever reason he is lying to you. If you can not habe trust and honoest open communication then I would not continue to see him. Trust is a key to a good start at least. You should really think about what you are doing and why you are seeing him. Reguardless of if he has a girl friend or not he is saying he does so why are you dating him any way? He has not said he was going to leave her and most the time they wont any way. he does not sound like a good person to me. Link to comment
Triple444 Posted October 20, 2010 Author Share Posted October 20, 2010 Thanks for your responses. I am 200% sure there is no GF. The thing is that he is probably the nicest, kindest, sweetest person I have ever met and that is echoed by his colleagues as well. I've ignored the GF issue for a while thinking he would eventually give it a rest, but hasn't. I'm thinking that it is some kind of defence mechanism as his colleagues are under the impression the this GF is real, although I haven't told them otherwise. Not sure if this is of any significance, but he is 44 years old, never married. Link to comment
FarthestEdge Posted October 20, 2010 Share Posted October 20, 2010 Perhaps it's an online thing...someone he hasn't actually met, but he feels a connection with. As odd as it sounds, I've seen people consider themselves in an exclusive 'relationship' with people they've never met in the flesh, or even talked to on the phone. However. The facts are that a) He HAS a girlfriend, in which case, he's lying to her to be with you....bad news or, b) He doesn't have a girlfriend, in which case he's lying to you.....bad news Why? Who knows. But either way, do you want to be in a relationship with a compulsive liar? The kindest assessment of the situation I can give, is that he has a psychological disorder that fuels this delusion...still ...bad news If you are determined to get to the bottom of this, there is only one way. Ask him. Start with "If you have a girlfriend, then what are we doing here?" Link to comment
Triple444 Posted October 20, 2010 Author Share Posted October 20, 2010 FarthestEdge, interesting... A colleague of his recently heard that we had been on a date and felt compelled to tell me that Adam had mentioned the GF and San Francisco in a recent convo and told me to be very weary as he felt 1) that either Adam was a compulsive liar or 2) he was schizophrenic, although he displays neither of those traits in the work environment. Apparently he is as nice and decent a person as you could possibly get (according to said colleague and said colleague is now also VERY confused), so I thought that maybe his behavior might be attributed to something else.... Also, I like this "Ask him. Start with "If you have a girlfriend, then what are we doing here?"" ... Link to comment
FarthestEdge Posted October 20, 2010 Share Posted October 20, 2010 I suppose that it's possible that he's too embarassed to admit that maybe, he's never had a gf- so he makes one up. But then, one would think he'd make up a PAST gf, not a present one... Idk...People with psychological disorders can be very nice, kind, gentle people, as can compulsive liars. Just be careful. Link to comment
Triple444 Posted October 20, 2010 Author Share Posted October 20, 2010 Thanks FarthestEdge. This just really sucks, cos it seems that there is bad news from every angle I always seem to attract guys with some sort of issue (ironically, mainly psychological), so I feel really bummed right now... Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted October 20, 2010 Share Posted October 20, 2010 If he were "clearly attracted to you, and has hinted at future dates," he would not be telling you that he has a girlfriend. This just not add up, no matter how you slice it. Link to comment
Triple444 Posted October 20, 2010 Author Share Posted October 20, 2010 If he were "clearly attracted to you, and has hinted at future dates," he would not be telling you that he has a girlfriend. This just not add up, no matter how you slice it. I know, hence my question. I am currently very disillusioned Link to comment
oldenoughtoknow Posted October 20, 2010 Share Posted October 20, 2010 Why don't you just call him on it? The next time he brings up his phantom girlfriend, just ask "Really? 'Cause I heard (from how/where ever) that you haven't had a girlfriend this past year." See where he goes with it. If he insists that he does, then ask him why he's been cheating on his girlfriend while he's been "dating" you. Someone is lying here, and you obviously can't continue on like this...a relationship built on such a fundamental lie is nothing more than a sham. What do you have to lose? Link to comment
AuthenticAuthor Posted October 21, 2010 Share Posted October 21, 2010 Interesting thread. I'm going to admit that I've been guilty of making up fake girlfriends. Reason? To get very annoying people off my back: "Sorry. My girlfriend and I are going out. Can't make it to the frat party, sorry." You get the picture. I found it quite fun. Unlike others here, I don't find this behavior too weird. But I will agree with richpart; unless you plan on playing along with this fantasy, you should call him out on it and understand why he's going on such lengths to deceive you on these pleasant dates. Link to comment
Triple444 Posted October 21, 2010 Author Share Posted October 21, 2010 AuthenticAuthor, thanks for your input and I can understand if you want to "get someone off your back", but not trying to attract someone. I unfortunately cannot let him know that I am aware of the fact that there is no GF - the risk is HUGE (from my side), so I will have to think of something else. As I mentioned earlier, I'm not sure if it's a defence mechanism of sorts, because as far as I can tell, lying (or compulsive lying) is not part of his persona at all. Link to comment
MrWallFlower Posted October 21, 2010 Share Posted October 21, 2010 Two things. 1. Maybe he's using the term "girlfriend" as in a female friend. 2. if he really did mean "girlfriend" then he must not think you have good morals if you are willing to date someone who already has a girlfriend. Link to comment
Triple444 Posted October 21, 2010 Author Share Posted October 21, 2010 Two things. 1. Maybe he's using the term "girlfriend" as in a female friend. 2. if he really did mean "girlfriend" then he must not think you have good morals if you are willing to date someone who already has a girlfriend. Thanks for the response. He has used the term girlfriend in an endearing way and I dated him because I knew there was no one, but he is obviously oblivious of this fact. There are some other issues which may or may not be of any significance: 1) He is white and from a fairly racist background and I am Hispanic 2) We have completely different religions and we are both faithful I think he would lose his friends and family if he was to enter into a relationship with me... Link to comment
FarthestEdge Posted October 22, 2010 Share Posted October 22, 2010 Thanks for the response. He has used the term girlfriend in an endearing way and I dated him because I knew there was no one, but he is obviously oblivious of this fact. There are some other issues which may or may not be of any significance: 1) He is white and from a fairly racist background and I am Hispanic 2) We have completely different religions and we are both faithful I think he would lose his friends and family if he was to enter into a relationship with me... ohhhh- this changes the picture for me. This information leaves me with the impression that he'll date you, he'll definitely sleep with you, but he isn't going to engage in a public relationship with you. The 'bogus' gf is an excuse to not have to publicly acknowledge your relationship....He'll treat you like you are having an illicit affair....only it isn't a gf he's hiding you from, it's his family.... Link to comment
Triple444 Posted October 22, 2010 Author Share Posted October 22, 2010 ohhhh- this changes the picture for me. This information leaves me with the impression that he'll date you, he'll definitely sleep with you, but he isn't going to engage in a public relationship with you. The 'bogus' gf is an excuse to not have to publicly acknowledge your relationship....He'll treat you like you are having an illicit affair....only it isn't a gf he's hiding you from, it's his family.... Hmm, ok. He knows, though, that I will not sleep with him unless married so if he continues to date me I would think that there are long-term plans? I don't know what to think anymore as I was going to walk away from this situation in the week. His colleague thinks he is crazy about me, hence all my confusion Should I throw in the towel or wait and see what happens? Link to comment
FarthestEdge Posted October 22, 2010 Share Posted October 22, 2010 Hmm, ok. He knows, though, that I will not sleep with him unless married so if he continues to date me I would think that there are long-term plans? I don't know what to think anymore as I was going to walk away from this situation in the week. His colleague thinks he is crazy about me, hence all my confusion Should I throw in the towel or wait and see what happens? He may very well be crazy about you. But if he is already hedging himself with an exit strategy because of his family (if that's what's going on) then right away, you know you are going to take a backseat. Also---just because a girl 'says' no sex till marriage, doesn't mean the guy hears it. Often then, it just ups the ante and he takes his game up a notch. I don't know. Bottom line, no matter which path I take, which 'reason' for this 'imaginary' girlfriend, no matter which reasoning I ascribe to it, the outcome for you isn't good. I can't see a single reason that this could be or will be for your benefit. I can't see a single reason that says positive things about his character or his ability to function appropriately in an adult relationship..... It doesn't make him a bad person, and his reasons may not even be nefarious....but it's still a huge red flag to me. Take from that what you will... Link to comment
Triple444 Posted October 22, 2010 Author Share Posted October 22, 2010 FarthestEdge, thank you so much for the time you have taken to help me address this issue .... Link to comment
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