Should I Contact my ex?

[harkkam]

I am 24 she is 20 been 6 month since breakup NC for 4 months we dated for a year. She has been dating somebody for two months now rather she is in a relationship now.

 

 

Basically she told me at the time when we broke up that I started too many fights with her over silly stupid things, (Which I did) and that I hurt her too many times and that she didnt want to be with me anymore. We fought about lots of things which in hindsight seem so trivial and stupid but at the time were the flashpoint.

 

I would say that I was not ready to be in a relationship with her at that time, I had issues to work out. However I receive this text and she paints me as this monster.

 

At the same time, I loved her with my full heart I was always affectionate, and I took good care of her, pampered her and was there for her when she needed a shoulder. I planned dates, I took charge all the time and always made sure she had a good time and as long as I saw her smile I was happy as well. I also kept her safe, she would tell me how every time we went out together that she felt safe and that nothing bad could happen because she knew I was with her. We had many adventures together and lots of laughs and intimate moments.

 

Then she sends me this NC for 4 months.

 

"hey its (name). Ya im texting u. I just wanted to say that in our relationship, I let you use me. I hid my inner most feelings and insecurities because I guess i was never fully comfortable with you. But thats all over and done with. I still need to get over the fact that I let you use me and my body I was never ready (I thought I was but I did it mostly because I just didnt want to lose you.) Our relationship brought me alot of pain and it will be a long while till I begin to appreciate the things I've gained. Im texting you this to let you know. I dont want to go back. I hope you learn not blame others for your problems and hurt feelings. Lots of luck!"

 

 

I was wondering that rather than protesting her that I would send an email.

 

I know she is dating somebody and has been for 2 months now, we have broken up for 6 months now.

 

The goal of my email would be to get her to think about me in a different light because when we broke up she saw me as a certain person with certain flaws etc.

 

In my email I hope through subtle communication to convey that I really have changed (btw I really have), but not saying those words but rather apologizing to her for my part in the demise of the relationship and not blaming her one bit. Then just tell her how my life has been going and that I wish her well.

 

I feel like if I counter her negativity with a positive email, it will throw her off and make her re-consider what she thinks of me. Instead of this horrible monster that she paints me out to be in her mind.

 

--

 

 

How is that for a strategy? I really do want her back and I wont lie this is not for closure or for just a harmless little message.

 

I believe that you can change and that people who hold certain views about you based on who you used to be, will exclude themselves from you. Which is natural especially if you hurt them. But I still do love her.

 

I have hooked up with two women since our break up but I think about her everyday.

 

I thought that if I did this, that I did send this very neutral and positive email not preaching or demanding that I would never feel regret that she never got to "meet" me with the new wisdom and knowledge and maturity I have now.

 

---

 

But sending this email does open a can of worms that if she doesnt respond what will I do?

 

A part of me says "Well then you know that she knows who YOU are and its now up to her for her to care enough to find out more"

 

or a part of me says "Well if she doesn't respond, I could send her a few emails spaced a few months apart and with her own healing would have a greater and greater impact" After these few emails have been sent THEN I will know with confidence that I did my best to show her the person that I have become and no longer does she need to hold these views about me that were formed during the relationship when I made many mistakes.

 

I do love her, I did hookup with two women, I have phone numbers of girls if I choose to date them. But I havent. I really think she was very special and I dont believe in the ONE anymore but rather in shades of grey and she came closer than any other person I met to what I had been looking for. Which is why I havent been able to give her up in my spirit.

 

Maybe I should be going out and looking for another person that I can relate to on the same level but she really has a special place in my heart.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

So she sent this to you very recently, while she is in a new relationship! I would suggest not sending her anything. I think it was rude of her to send this to you so long after the fact and while she is in a new relationship. Let it go..she is with someone else so don't respond.

[Live-N-Learn]

I agree with CBD. This was a very rude text that deserves no response.

[SemperRogue]

I wouldn't bother dude. She's trying to hurt you and this new guy has her attention for now. I'd let her go. You sound rather clinical on how you will go about getting her back..ouch. You'll just get pissed and frustrated when she doesn't follow the script. Let her go.

 

I doubt you'll heed the advice but its just a no go for now. I has a relationship kind of similiar. She was a keeper and I sent her purple flowers with a card, "thinking of you". OMG! Talk about an emotional grenade going off. I got accused of messing her mind and "what do you want from me!!" It a tense time because her new BF was actively hunting me and intent on making an example out of me. Short story long, he didn't and she never got her calls returned a month later.

 

Hope it works out.

[harkkam]

Yeah, I was mad and sad at the same time. Yes she's been in a relationship with a guy for two months except she doesnt know that I know.

 

I was told even by a close friend that she debated on cheating on this guy that she is with now because one day about a month and a half ago she was talking to our mutual friend and she said "I know im supposed to be with (guy who she is now in a relationship with) but Im afraid of hanging out with (another friend of hers) because I might try something"

 

She Paints me as this monster and not even taking a second to think about all the wonderful things that we did together.

 

I guess I will leave it alone. I really dont see why she had to come out and say this, almost as if she thinks I am some kind of punching bag.

 

A part of me wants to send a nasty text msg back to her. Like

 

"Hey dont interrupt my day with annoying bi*ching and moaning, go fu*k yourself and leave me alone because quite frankly I dont give a damn how long it takes you to sort your stupidity. Did I give you any indication that I cared? So why the f*ck dont you leave me alone. Go jump off a bridge I dont care but dont waste my time with pointless messages. How big is that stick up your a*s to actually think I even wanted to get back with you. Lolz you amuse me"

 

Wont send it but thats how a part of me feels.

 

Yet at the same time I know thats my anger and I am smart enough to know that I am angry at her for hurting me and deep down I love her very much even though she is mean, and I am mature enough to put that anger aside and realize that anger only creates destruction. Wish I had known this while I was with her.

 

I think the only way I am going to get over her is seeing her as a person not worthy of being loved anymore and finding a better person. I made mistakes and she didnt appreciate what we had in fact she turned around and hurt me in ways and places that I didnt think I could hurt all because she made up her mind because her heart told her I was not the guy for her.

 

Even though while we were together she would say things so opposite like "I cant wait to spend the rest of my life with you" when ever I made her feel happy.

 

I made mistakes but a real loving person would stop and appreciate you and she didnt appreciate me as a person for the good and the bad. The good was not good enough for her to over look the bad and give me another chance at us.

[SemperRogue]

That's a * * * * * rollercoaster you are on my friend but you know, every day it gets slower and slower, pretty soon you'll be where I'm at.. I can get out and walk alongside but just can't get off yet.

 

I don't what it is about some girls and their portrayals of a guy as an abuser. Its happened to me before but I had good friends that stood up for me when that #$#$ made its rounds. I'm glad you know who you are and it doesn't affect you so much. I had to do some serious inflection because she had me convinced I was so mean to her. Took an older lady and $90 worth of Scotch to get my head straight. She was what I needed to figure out my break up. We just drank and talked, sometimes thats whats needed.

 

Give it time. Make a plan. Listen to "I don't want you back" . I get a kick out of the guy's emotions, spot on. Good luck my friend.

[harkkam]

thanks for your help guys. just wondering if I could get some more perspectives and opinions. Just need to hear some more comforting words to be honest.

[AutumnBorn]

Hark, I'm going against the trend. You want to get back together with her. I think, since she contacted you and is obviously thinking about and working through what happened in your relationship, you can and should respond, but I'd do it via email, not text.

 

If your message says:

 

1. You're sorry she feels the way she does and did, but you do understand why she feels this way, that it must've been difficult and painful for her (validation of her feelings), she's right, you were a total ass and she deserved better than you gave her;

2. You choose to remember how special she was and the great times you had with her - give her a specific example;

3. The break-up was the best thing for you because it helped you grow as a human being and man, knowing and loving her helped you change for the better;

4. You'll always think of her as a beautiful and wonderful woman and hope her life is big and bright. (Close on a positive note, without an additional apology.)

 

she may begin to see you in a new light. Then go back to NIC.

 

She'll feel better through the validation and you'll feel better letting her know, no matter how she felt and feels, she was and is special to you. Who wouldn't love getting a message like that?

 

If you want her back, you can't stay NC forever. This is a great opening, if you truly have changed. The reason she feels like she does it because it was more painful for her than you realize. She couldn't overlook the bad for the good - we all have different realities. If you weren't on the receiving end, you just can't know what she was going through.

[harkkam]

^ Thats exactly what I was thinking as well. An email. But she is in a relationship with somebody already. And she clearly stated "I dont want to go back" meaning not wanting to hear from me.

[AutumnBorn]

She said she doesn't want to go back, not that she didn't want to hear from you. You should stop reading between the lines and just read what she keys - assumptions will kill a relationship. She doesn't want to go back to where she was - a dark and insecure place. See, I think the tone of the message isn't coming accross clearly. Let's look at it in a different (red) light, shall we?

 

She said: "hey its (name). Ya im texting u. I just wanted to say that in our relationship, I let you use me. [she is taking responsibility here, not placing blame.] I hid my inner most feelings and insecurities because I guess i was never fully comfortable with you. [she's saying she felt insecure - not that you made her feel that way.] But thats all over and done with. [she feels better, more confident.] I still need to get over the fact that I let you use me and my body [still taking responsibility] I was never ready (I thought I was but I did it mostly because I just didnt want to lose you.) [she was scared.] Our relationship brought me alot of pain and it will be a long while till I begin to appreciate the things I've gained. [she's saying she's grown.] Im texting you this to let you know. I dont want to go back. I hope you learn not blame others for your problems and hurt feelings. Lots of luck!" [she's learned not to blame others and hopes you'll grow in the same way.]

 

With the Universal Translator in place, I think you can see where I'm coming from now, right?

[harkkam]

Thank you Autumn, and yes assumptions will kill a relationship, in fact thats a part of the reason why this one died.

 

Hmm, I have one last question. Why would she contact me if she has a bf already?

[AutumnBorn]

Because she hasn't completely moved on. If she had, she wouldn't be in contact. There could be a number of reasons - maybe she's working on letting go of the anger (read passion) she feels, wants to stick her toe in the water to test the temperature, to see if you've moved on and will respond, because she's at a crossroad, because she isn't really serious about this new guy, because she can't stop thinking about you, because it was an irrestible impulse, she felt like she couldn't move on until she told you how awful she felt keeping her feelings of insecurity and the anxiety from the fear of losing you inside....It could be anything.

 

Tell you what - why don't you compose your message, let me proof it, send it and see if you get a response. If you do, you could ask her (gently). I bet she'd tell you the truth.

[harkkam]

^ thats a great idea Autumn. You're right anyone of those posibilites could be true and life is too short to wait and not find out. I will write up a draft in a day or two and I'll send it to you via PM.

 

I really appreciate you helping me out. Thank you

[AutumnBorn]

I'm looking forward to it. Having a woman read it will help make sure you're using the right tone, not saying too much or too little.

[abitbroken]

I wouldn't contact her, simply for the fact that your intent was "so she sees you in a different light." In other words, you are contacting her expecting an outcome from your contact, or to affect her somehow.

[harkkam]

Im so unsure what to do because my friend basically told me that the text message means this:

 

hey its (name).

Ya im texting u.

I'm trolling you

 

I just wanted to say that in our relationship, I let you use me.

I want you to feel guilty

 

I hid my inner most feelings and insecurities because I guess i was never fully comfortable with you.

i want to destroy your ego

 

But thats all over and done with.

LOL

 

I still need to get over the fact that I let you use me and my body I was never ready (I thought I was but I did it mostly because I just didnt want to lose you.)

Please feel bad that you ****d me so I don't have to

 

Our relationship brought me alot of pain and it will be a long while till I begin to appreciate the things I've gained.

I want the guilt to swell up in you, and I want you to apologize so I can have the power

 

Im texting you this to let you know.

So that you'll feel obligated to text back

 

I dont want to go back.

I want you to come to me so I can reject you and make myself feel better

 

I hope you learn not blame others for your problems and hurt feelings.

I hope you understand everything is your fault

 

Lots of luck!"

Go **** yourself

[harkkam]

^ Do you think my friend portrays and accurate description? Bump

[Fukurokuju]

You're saying that assumption kills a relationship but you've totally turned her text into something else. That's assuming. Plus it's blatantly making up something you'd think you'd want to hear. NOT HEALTHY. The only person who knows why that text message was sent is the person who sent it. And it was nasty, and she's a relationship. Don't see how any of these factors can lead to her wanting him back. Sorry, harrkam, don't do it. Please heal and heal for yourself. It takes a long time to change, six months is not enough, and nothing deserves a response that isn't said straight-forwardly and with respect. You'll just be getting sucked into the cycle again, and not focusing on you and healing. I really wish the best for you. Do you want to be with a girl who can't hang out with another guy because she's afraid of cheating on her bf?

[harkkam]

Yeah I didnt think it was a good idea, it was rude and I'm glad that I havent and I dont think I will.

[harkkam]

I saw her facebook page of her having fun and what not and me suffering in misery thinking about her. I want to send that nastiest msg that I can think of because I was very nice to her the whole time during the break up while she was rude and mean.

 

Should I send a nasty email and text or will it just hurt me.

 

I saw on her facebook "Isnt love like fine wine" and "i want you to love me like I've known you forever and like that you know my heart and like no one else does and I want to make you feel like a man"

 

She knows this guy for 2.5 months. W.e

 

Should I send a nasty letter or not, I really want to after seeing her Facebook page and realizing she is very much happy with her new bf and that msg was just a way for her to mess with my head and I want to mess with hers because she thinks she can get a away with it.

[marcs]

lol pretty good translation

[marcs]

dont do it. It will feed her ego. Sounds like she loves drama. Let karma do its own work.

[harkkam]

Yeah you're right she can say "See I messed with him"

[marcs]

Yeah you're right she can say "See I messed with him"

 

thats it, she probably wants something to * * * * * about to her friends. Be strong I know its hard. Youll thank yourself in the long run.

[harkkam]

What if I contacted her with like "Thats nice that you feel that way, but I really dont care and maybe you should follow your own advice and stop blaming people for a change huh? You want to make me feel like I was this terrible person, Im sorry I know Im not as bad as you make me out to be, grow up please"