Dumped my gf last night and feeling pretty down

[orchidrose]

Yea sucks. I'm just hoping there is some way I can eventually get her to forgive me. Seemed like she was sooo close when I saw her last week. I guess I'll go through one more round of apologizing to her tonight on the phone.

 

I really think that will have the opposite effect. What I would recommend doing right now is backing off and letting her come to you.

[byates5637]

Sigh you are probably right. Although I do expect we will talk on the phone tonight, as we have unfinished business from yesterday. I'm not sure quite how I am going to handle it yet.

[MakeItCount]

Don't apologize again, I think you've done that enough. It'll just put pressure on her as she'll think you're expecting an answer right away. Talk about what you have to talk about, try to make her laugh etc. Go from there. I think you have a real shot at this, but the trust has to be rebuilt - this will take time.

 

Best of luck man.

[byates5637]

Thanks MakeItCount. I really haven't apologized all that much. I know it seems like it because I'm updating this thread and whining here every day (lol) but contact between me and her has still been pretty minimal. I think I have only apologized once so far.

 

I will take your advice though and just keep it light and try to make her laugh. Thanks for replying!

[MakeItCount]

I'll re-read this entire thread and post my opinion tonight after class/gym. And you're welcome. AND you're not whining, it's what this forum is for. We'll get you through this one way or another lol.

[coolchick64]

Yea sucks. I'm just hoping there is some way I can eventually get her to forgive me. Seemed like she was sooo close when I saw her last week. I guess I'll go through one more round of apologizing to her tonight on the phone.

 

Don't forget what was happening when you two broke up. You had reasons---it's not like you hurt her for the fun of it. You two had issues in your relationship that needed to be solved. It took both of you to get to this point and it's gonna take both to turn things around.

[byates5637]

You're right coolchick, I'm keeping that in mind. Lately I've been thinking I should have tried to talk it out with her more though instead of just dumping her.

 

 

Our phone call last night went well. Talked for about 10 minutes and it was very friendly and light. She might be coming over for dinner tonight. She said she still wasn't sure about it and wanted to sleep on it....I'm expecting a text from her in the next couple hours with her decision.

[byates5637]

She just texted me. Well she is coming over, but she made it conditional. I'm really not sure exactly what she is thinking right now. Here is her text:

 

"I'll go if you promise to respect what I said the first time we talked and to not talk about getting back together"

 

 

I'm not totally sure what she is referring to with the "first time we talked"thing, but I agreed anyway. What do you guys think she is thinking? how should I approach the night?

[orchidrose]

She just texted me. Well she is coming over, but she made it conditional. I'm really not sure exactly what she is thinking right now. Here is her text:

 

"I'll go if you promise to respect what I said the first time we talked and to not talk about getting back together"

 

 

I'm not totally sure what she is referring to with the "first time we talked"thing, but I agreed anyway. What do you guys think she is thinking? how should I approach the night?

 

She's thinking that she's going because she misses hanging out with you, but she does NOT want to get back together. You're pressuring her.

 

Honestly, if you really want this girl back, I would go NC after this dinner. It sounds like she still has a lot of issues about the break-up and she is really not ready to let you back in. Going NC is the only way that you can both start to heal and maybe, if you both want it, explore getting back together after awhile.

[blueberrypie]

byates, I just read your response to my post, and got intrigued about your situation and came here to read your story. I feel like at least the breakup part of it sounds a lot like my story. Which makes me slightly hopeful. But since my ex did not want to meet me 2 weeks after the breakup, I guess I am not in the same boat as your ex..

 

I just wanted to wish you a very good luck... I hope that it would work out between you two....

[byates5637]

Well the dinner was nice, but left me feeling not too great afterwards. She came over and we cooked a good dinner, drank some wine, and talked for about three hours. It was very nice....just friendly stuff. Joking around and catching up. Then Towards the end of the night I gave her roses and said "this is just to say I'm sorry and I love you." She really liked them and thought it was really sweet.

 

So then I drover her home and around when we were getting to her house I asked when I could see her again. She said she didn't know. Then our conversation devolved into relationship talk, and she still has pretty much the same opinion. She needs time to fix herself if we are ever to be able to work again in the future.

 

She said it is very hard for her to see me or even talk to me because she misses me so much. She also said she has a lot of resentment still about the breakup, and she knows she had problems and she needs to be alone to fix them before we could ever try again. She cried. I cried. We held hands and she said she knows I'm in a lot of pain and it would be easy for her to make it go away, but she doesn't want to lead me on. Then she cried some more and we kissed and said goodbye. A little later she sent a message asking if I got home safe.

 

Sucky situation for us both I guess. I just wish we could try again. It's eating me up.

[DN]

When I read your first post in this thread about why you dumped her and this last post, I see the same sort of behaviour from her that led to the break-up in the first place.

[byates5637]

How so DN, can you elaborate?

[DN]

Yes, she is manipulating you by pretend conflicting emotions thus making you the bad guy.

[byates5637]

I don't know if she is really manipulating me. Maybe I just don't see it? It seems like she is being pretty straightforward with me.

[coolchick64]

Hmmm. Yeah, I'm not sure I see your point, DN. At least not the part about her making him into the bad guy.

 

Anyway . . . gosh, hon. Well, you guys did have problems before that may have been too difficult to solve within the relationship. Maybe it's just bad timing. It sounds like she's taking responsibility for herself, which is good, and telling you what she needs. I think you've made yourself clear. All you can do now is let her go. She'll be thinking about you--no doubt about it. If she gets her own issues under control, you two may have another shot down the road. However, it's also possible that she'll realize the relationship wasn't working for her and her healing will lead her further away. So, don't put your life on hold over this. Keep an open mind, but put yourself first and do what you need to heal and move on.

 

All in all, it's not a great outcome, but it's an honest outcome that should resonate with what was going on before. I think you've handled everything as well as you could. Don't feel guilty about the break-up! She wouldn't be embracing her solitude so much now if she hadn't wanted it on some level herself.

[byates5637]

Yea you speak the sad truth. Is there any reason I should continue to keep a light presence in her life in the hopes that she will warm up to me in the next few weeks? I guess probably not....no contact is so hard though.

[byates5637]

Well like an idiot I just sent her a bunch of texts asking to see her again this weekend and telling her how lovesick I am. I failed. Her responses were just basically the same thing she has been saying.

 

So I just deleted her number and all of her texts so I'm not tempted to contact her again. I'm thinking about removing her from facebook so I don't have to see what she is up to but I'm worried that will look a bit immature. Maybe I'll think that over for a few days.

 

The hardest part about this is going to be giving up hope for the future. The way things are now, based on what she said, is our future together is possibly open ended. But I have to stop thinking about that and get on with things.

[byates5637]

Of course right after I delete her number she sends me a massive text. She says:

 

"I don't know what to tell you. I already explained myself. I don't want to end up breaking up AGAIN. You've already dumped me TWICE. I have explained myself in full twice now and I asked that you respect what I say but it seems like you aren't even hearing me. If you were you would know why I came over for dinner - we already talked about it.I know you're hurt but your pushing me to anger because this is hard for me too and constantly having to say no to things I do want and miss, like cuddling, is very hard. But I have to say no because I refuse to go through this a 3rd time. I don't know if we will ever get back together. But I do know that I am not going to get back with you only to have you decide once more that you do not want me because of my flaws."

[damagedatbest]

Sorry, cant say I blame her. She's the same person, with the same flaws. She's scared to death of you breaking her heart for a THIRD time. She's got lots of resentment built up and most of us have been there, it's gonna take moving mountains on your part for her to be able to let it go and trust that you just wont up and leave, again.

[byates5637]

I had the crazy idea of proposing to her cross my mind. We used to talk about marriage all the time, and that would be a way to show her I wouldn't leave her again. Probably a really really dumb idea though so I don't think I'll be doing that!

 

I'd like to move mountains, just need to figure out how.

[MakeItCount]

I had the crazy idea of proposing to her cross my mind. We used to talk about marriage all the time, and that would be a way to show her I wouldn't leave her again. Probably a really really dumb idea though so I don't think I'll be doing that!

 

I'd like to move mountains, just need to figure out how.

 

Yeah definitely don't do that. Last thing she needs is more pressure.

[DN]

I had the crazy idea of proposing to her cross my mind. We used to talk about marriage all the time, and that would be a way to show her I wouldn't leave her again. Probably a really really dumb idea though so I don't think I'll be doing that!

 

I'd like to move mountains, just need to figure out how.

I didn't realise you had dumped her twice - that put's a different spin on things.

 

I actually think a proposal may be a good idea. But you had better be totally sure this is what you want, you had better have a ring and a date in mind and you had better make sure you get it right and show total sincerity. (If you get a ring make sure you can return it.)

[byates5637]

I didn't realise you had dumped her twice - that put's a different spin on things.

 

I dumped her about a year and a half ago because of something really stupid she did. Long story short, she got violent with me one night while drinking. I took her back a week later and never had a problem with it again.

I actually think a proposal may be a good idea. But you had better be totally sure this is what you want, you had better have a ring and a date in mind and you had better make sure you get it right and show total sincerity. (If you get a ring make sure you can return it.)

 

I'm going to keep this idea floating around my head for a week or two and see where things lead in the meantime. Thanks.

[1guygirl]

byates, i am where your ex is now, i know i have my own issues and when my ex said he'd be there for me with me through them, then dumped me, woah...the trust was gone. i love him deeply, but if he showed up tomorrow wanting to get back as much as i could kiss and hug him passionately, my heart would still be 'reluctant' to dive right in. so please just give her a lil space, i dont think shes messing with you, i really dont, but i also get that you are panicking too (been there with my ex also) - keep sitting on them hands...it really is true, dont respond to anything without an hour of going through every scenario before replying because in an hour the reactive emotions die down and you have more chance of not sabotaging anything when the reactiveness has died down.

 

i agree with DN mind, i think if you give her what she asks for, meet up for the odd occasion and kisses, a proposal when things are bit more solid and steady, would actually be a good thing. just make sure you really want to marry her or you risk destroying whatever you have for good. and this isnt about a tactic to get someone back, it is about marrying the right woman for you.

 

all the best...and pls pls pls keep us posted