Dumped my gf last night and feeling pretty down

[byates5637]

Wow very different perspectives from coolchick and iakasot. They both seem like good advice. I'm not sure what to think now! Maybe the truth is a mixture of both? Thanks for the feedback though.

[byates5637]

Well I'm going to meet up with her in a couple hours to talk. If it doesn't go well it will be the last time we talk for a while. Ill be starting no contact and moving on with my life. I don't expect it to go well. I'm pretty sure she is more over this than I am. Oh well.

[coolchick64]

Try to stay open-minded. Listen to what she has to say. You don't have to decide anything tonight. You can listen and take some time to think about it. Hope it goes well!

[Ms Darcy]

I think the trouble is you are hoping to work it out with someone you dumped. She's naturally going to be bitter towards you, so what you are looking for (see where it goes) does not seem likely.

[byates5637]

Thanks everyone. I just got back.

 

We had a long, good civil conversation, but ultimately she does not want to get back together with me. At least not now. I don't know if anyone cares but I'm going to type of a summary of what we talked about just to help myself process it. Feel free to respond to any of this.

 

I started out by opening up to her and just talking about the flaws in our relationship. I talked about my faults for a while. ANd then she talked about her faults for a while. All of this was just good healthy conversation, not under the pretext of reconciliation. She is well aware of her faults and realizes that she cause a good part of our troubles. We talked a bit about the good times, and the bad times.

 

After a bit of talking, I told her I still love her a couple times. I told her how much I care about her and love her. I then looked her in the eyes and asked her if she still loved me. She got a bit emotional and said "of course I love you." Some tears were shed and I hugged her. I held her hand and started talking about getting back together and asking if we could work it out. She broke down into some serious crying.

 

She said no. She said she didn't come to the decision lightly. She had been thinking about it nonstop since the breakup, and she put off talking to me until now because she wasn't really sure what she wanted. She does not really hold a big grudge about me dumping her. But she felt that she lost herself in our relationship. She didn't talk with many friends and made me most of her life. She said that she hated always having to worry about doing things to piss me off, and now that she is single it is nice that she doesn't have to worry about upsetting anyone. She said she is just not happy (she's not a happy person, been dealing with depression for quite some time) and she doesn't want to keep getting mad at me because I can't make her happy. She needs to be alone for a while to find herself and fix her issues.

 

I was very understanding of this,but at the same time I did push her a couple times to just work it out with me. I tried approaching it from a couple different angles, but she wasn't budging. She said she needs to be single for at least a couple months. I don't know if she was implying that she's open to getting back together with me a couple months down the road or not. I didn't ask.

 

Before she left I asked for a kiss. We embraced and kissed passionately for a minute or two. I then told her I hope she gets happy and finds herself, and said goodbye.

 

After she left she texted me and said "try to get some sleep tonight." (She knew I was upset and would have trouble sleeping). I replied "Thanks. If you don't hear from me for a while don't be afraid to call. It doesn't mean I hate you."

 

And that's basically how it went. It was pretty strange. I've never seen her like this before. It hurts a whole lot. I guess it is now time for me to officially move on with my life. But I can't stop wondering if maybe some time in the future she will miss me and be ready to try again. What do you think? Any hope for us in the future? I know i know time for me to move on. Sorry this is so long, and thanks for reading. :sad:

[Ms Darcy]

 

I've learned when women say this as they explain why they don't want to be in a relationship with you that it really means she doesn't see you in her future. All that vague language is a nice way of turning the blame on herself and avoiding you "fighting" for her ... because she doesn't want to go back to the relationship anymore.

[Iakasot]

So basically the tables have turned, and you now feel like the dumpee, and she feels her power over you because you wanted to get back together and she didn't. So basically you did the dirty work and in the future she can say "____ dumped me", but you're the one who feels like he was dumped, and she feels empowered in not being in a relationship with someone who didn't make her happy. Didn't I say that she wasn't happy and didn't accept you and obviously wanted out well before the break-up?

 

Due to meeting up and having that conversation you can no longer think of the break-up in terms of "she fought a lot and pushed me away, i dumped her and didn't talk to her again and let her yell and fight with herself", because she rejected you now. So you're worse off. You can still cut your losses by not talking to her again and letting yourself heal, because it seems like you're more hurt from this than she is and need the no contact more.

[coolchick64]

I don't know. It sounds to me like you had a really healthy and honest conversation. I tend to take her at her word and it strikes me as very mature to say she needs time to get herself straightened out/get happy within herself. In fact, that's a pretty insightful way of looking at things---"I don't want to hold you responsible for my happiness". I have a lot of respect for both of you.

 

As far as what the future holds, no one can say. I don't agree that she knows and just doesn't want to tell you. I think she really doesn't know what's gonna happen either, but she does know she needs space right now. So, I wouldn't necessarily write the whole thing off, but I wouldn't sit around waiting for the call either. Let go for now, use this time to cultivate your own independent life, and keep an open mind in terms of what happens next.

[byates5637]

Thank you coolchick. That really means a lot to me. I've had some messy breakups in the past so I like to think I learned from them what not to do. And I am really impressed she is handling it this well, even though she isn't saying what I want to hear.

 

This has been eating me up though. Have had trouble eating and sleeping. I know it will get better with time though. Today is day 2 of not talking to her.

[byates5637]

I feel like everything i changing for me so fast and it is really scaring me. I will be trading in my car today that I used to drive around my ex for the past two years and getting a new one. In a few weeks I will be moving out of my dad's house, where I lived for the duration of our relationship, and getting my own apartment. And in a few weeks I will be getting rid of my phone that I used to talk to her on for for the past 2 years, and getting a smart phone.

 

I'm not doing these things because of the breakup, I was going to do them anyway. But now without her by my side it all scares the scrap out of me. Everything is changing so fast in my life and I feel all alone.

[coolchick64]

Yeah, life keeps moving, doesn't it? It is scary sometimes. It's also hard when you break up because new things seem to erase the old ones. Your partner's not part of the continuity anymore; they start to fade into the past. Now you have this big void where she used to be. I've felt all those things and it's really really hard.

 

I think you did the right thing in your situation. She wanted out herself, or else she wouldn't have embraced the idea so quickly. That might've been why she was giving you such a hard time toward the end, too. Maybe not that she wanted to break up but just that she was unhappy. You pulled the trigger, but you did it for a reason and it wasn't only your own impatience/frustration. I'm saying this because now that you're dealing with the downside of splitting up, you might start to regret your decision and see it as the cause of all the trouble. But I really don't think it was in your power to make this okay and you did the right thing.

 

So, for now, you're in survival mode. Just try to get through one day at a time. One hour at a time if that's what it takes. Don't take on too much. Give yourself plenty of time to adjust. If all the changes are overwhelming, see what you can put off for a few weeks. Try to spend time with friends---really book yourself up so you're not ruminating too much.

 

I think you and your girlfriend had sincere feelings for each other. Given a little time and space, you could come back together and be better than ever. But it's best to let go of these thoughts and trust the universe to bring you what you need. Maybe it'll be her. Maybe it'll be someone new. Maybe it'll be some time to concentrate on yourself outside of a relationship. Just ride it out, hon. It's all gonna be okay.

[Edmund Exley]

I feel like everything i changing for me so fast and it is really scaring me. I will be trading in my car today that I used to drive around my ex for the past two years and getting a new one. In a few weeks I will be moving out of my dad's house, where I lived for the duration of our relationship, and getting my own apartment. And in a few weeks I will be getting rid of my phone that I used to talk to her on for for the past 2 years, and getting a smart phone.

 

I'm not doing these things because of the breakup, I was going to do them anyway. But now without her by my side it all scares the scrap out of me. Everything is changing so fast in my life and I feel all alone.

 

You manged to make it through life OK before she came along, you will be just fine after she's gone.

 

Relationships that are dying carry the stench of bad air. Its like breathing in the poisoneous gases of decaying flesh. Its why there's always tension and uncomfortableness and things set each other off so easily. New car, new apartment, new life......fresh air.

[byates5637]

This seems to be getting harder instead of easier.I'm still not really eating, and only sleeping about 6 hours a night. Last night I woke up at 4AM nearly in tears. I had the worst dreams. I was sick to my stomach and had to spend a while in the bathroom.

 

I keep checking her facebook constantly. I know, not good. She updates it maybe once a day and usually it is something obscure, so I find myself trying to decipher whatever she puts up there. GOtta stop this....but not sure how.

 

I keep thinking of other things I want to ask her. Other things that I want clarification on. I want to ask her if she sees any chance of us getting back together in the future. I want to try and convince her we can work again. But I know all of these things wouldn't get me anywhere, so I am resisting the urge and am continuing to not contact her. It is a constant battle with myself though. Sigh...

[byates5637]

Feeling a tad bit less hopeless as the day goes on. I'm still trying to make sense of this. Everything seems extra complicated because I think in my case the line between dumper/dumpee is a bit blurred. Yes, technically I dumped her. But I dumped her because I felt she needed a wake up call to stop fighting with me. ANd I'm the one who wanted immediate reconciliation and she didn't.

 

So I'm not sure if I should be acting like a dumper or dumpee. If I was a dumpee my plan of action would be very clear...no contact at all and move on with life unless she has a change of heart. But as the dumper, I wonder if maybe I should be making more of an attempt to mend things with her, instead of just giving her time and space.

 

Well as you said coolchick, I'm just going to take this hour by hour. What you said about letting go and letting the universe bring me what I need has been very comforting. I have read your post a few times, and I kept repeating that thought in my head last night as I was falling asleep. Thank you.

[byates5637]

Just talked to my dad and he suggested I pursue her for a little longer, maybe send flowers or something. I don't think that's really the best advice though.

[Ms Darcy]

I think in my case the line between dumper/dumpee is a bit blurred. Yes, technically I dumped her. But I dumped her because I felt she needed a wake up call to stop fighting with me. ANd I'm the one who wanted immediate reconciliation and she didn't.

 

I don't think the line is blurred. You definitely dumped her, and what you expressed was "maybe" reconciliation at first. I just think it didn't turn out like you expected because you were using it to scare/shock her. Often that move can backfire and it hurts. Sorry for your pain. Good luck on moving on.

[Jocolly]

I am a few weeks / months on from you, and it is so hard. Taking it hour by hour is a good way to approach it. Allw yourself to feel sad and frustrated and mourne the loss, because the only way to move forward is to invest in yourself.

Try and do things that make you happy and relaxed, whilst you are not slepping it is going to seem much worse. Trust me! Try a warm shower and a lot frink before bed, and physical activity so you are so exausted you have to sleep!

 

Hang in there xx

[coolchick64]

I see what you mean about the line being blurred. I think it often is. Things get hard and start to unravel. Both people can see it, but usually one hits his/her limit first. It doesn't really matter who was the dumper, though. What matters is what happens from this point forward, and the situation you're in is that you want another shot and she doesn't. At least not now.

 

When I was in that situation with SuperEx about a year ago, I wrote him a letter saying that I still loved him and was open to a reconciliation. I told him I could see we had problems but I thought they were solvable, our relationship was special and worth trying for, etc. The situation was a little different---he dumped me and immediately got involved with someone else but kept contacting me anyway. So, part of what I had to tell him was not to contact me anymore unless he was single again and reconciliation was what he wanted too. Anyway, I sent it, left it at that, and waited. Within 3 weeks he had broken off the rebound and wanted me back.

 

I don't know what all was said when you got together with her, and normally I don't recommend sending letters like this because people raise their hopes, end up getting hurt, etc. But in your case, it might make sense, just so she's clear on where you stand and knows the door is open. After that, though, you really need to let go (as hard as that is) and let everything unfold however it's gonna unfold.

 

I really feel for you. So many of the people here have gone through similar things---that first breakup I stopped eating and sleeping completely. I went from a size 4 to a size 0. I barely left the house. I was a total mess. But within 6 weeks, I was pretty much okay. It WILL get better!

[byates5637]

Feeling a small bit better today. Yesterday I forced myself to eat a bit. I also bought my new car, and spent the night out with my friends. I was able to drink a few beers for the first time an a couple weeks, and generally had a good time. Got a decent night's sleep too. Of course now it is Sunday morning, I have nothing to do all day, and I'm thinking of her again. But I'll just try to stay strong. I decided I'm going to try sending her flowers in a week or so. I can't do it yet though because I think it is too soon.

[byates5637]

Been thinking some more about something she said during our final talk. I almost forgot about this.

 

I said to her "I'm really worried and sad because I know what's going to happen if we don't agree to try again today. We're going to talk only a handful of times after this and then eventually just become a distant memory."

 

She replied "I'm glad you can predict the future(sarcastic). You don't know what's going to happen"

 

Maybe I'm really grasping at straws here but I think this was her way of indicating there is a possibility we will get back together. What do you guys think?

[coolchick64]

I don't know. It sounds like something I'd say if I were feeling pressured and just wanted to calm somebody down. Sorry if that's harsh! It doesn't mean there's NOT a possibility. In fact, I think there's a good possibility in your situation. But I wouldn't put too much stock in this one thing she said.

 

How are you doing otherwise?

[byates5637]

How are you doing otherwise?

 

 

Okay at times, worse at others. I am slowly starting to eat more and sleep more. Some times I feel okay about this whole thing and think the future will be alright no matter what happens. Other times I get really scared and terrified at the thought of never having her again. I would love to contact her but I know it will get me nowhere so I haven't.

 

I'm a bit of an obsessive thinker and tend to ruminate a lot in general. But it has gotten really bad now. This is literally the only thing I have been able to think about for the last few days. I need a break. lol

[Iakasot]

I'll try to put it in perspective. She's acting like the dumper in terms of stability, emotions and security, you're acting like the dumpee. Emotions like that don't necessarily come from conscious knowledge, that's why you're asking "Who am I in this situation, dumper or dumpee?". They come from a subconscious instinct that she has checked out of the relationship long before you did, on some level deep down inside, you realize that that's why it was so easy for her to cut it off when you broke up. If someone cheats on purpose so that they get dumped, are they the dumpee or the dumper? The dumper, because they were already unhappy and wanted out, just didn't wanna do the dirty work. She was already not happy with you, remember? That's why she constantly started fights.

 

I realize that this leaves you in a difficult situation, because you feel the misery of being rejected of the dumpee, while also feeling the guilt of dumper from dumping. This can leave you with a very confusing spot in terms of healing, because you can't grab onto absolution from the good parts of being either dumpee or dumper. You can't send her flowers, because all it would do is make you feel like the creepy ex who didn't get the idea after being dumped that it is over and continues to win her over. She is in a position where she could feel better about herself by getting revenge of rejecting you again and making you feel like that in return for dumping her! She wasn't happy with you, so do the math "I wasn't happy with him, AND he dumped me on top of that", so she's gonna take the opportunity to reject you again. I know the "quote" I used seems weird, but didn't you think the same thing about the kinds of things that she picked fights over and how she started them? She does not think the same way as you do!

 

Don't think that because you did the physical act of breaking up with her that it means the burden is on you to try and get back together, do nice things, etc. This will save you a lot of grief: Treat this as if you're the dumpee and move on, don't let the guilt eat at you and prevent you from moving on. If there's one positive thing you can get from being the dumper but otherwise treat it as being a dumpee, it's this: you took control of your life by dumping someone whose heart already wasn't in it, and you'll be happier in the long term because of it.

[byates5637]

Iakasot - I appreciate your advice but I think you are misreading the situation a bit. Her heart was certainly in it before the break. She spent all her time with me, called me every day, etc. I have looked back over the texts and emails she sent me in the month or so before we split and she was very much in love with me. In fact, it made me feel guilty because I realized I didn't really reciprocate the feelings as much as I should have. 1 week before the breakup she was sending me links to apartments on craigslist that she wanted to move into with me. About a month before the breakup she was drunk one night and asking me to marry her.

 

She was not happy with herself. And she was not happy with her life. So she took a lot of it out on our relationship, and expected more from me than I could give. But I don't think for one second she was over the relationship before the break up. I think to her surprise, she found the time away from me has forced her to look at her own problems, and now she is working on fixing up her life. I don't know if she will ever want me back or not though.

[Iakasot]

It's possible that a person would try to push another person away by being overly clingy, and then get angry and pick fights over nonsense when that person doesn't get turned off (their desired outcome that would feed into their insecurities of how they feel about themselves). She could've spent all her time with you, while simultaneously seemed colder and uncompromising in some ways. Loss of desire for you like that doesn't just come overnight, she was ready for the break-up, man. I'm curious, what are you gonna do after she rejects your flowers? How are you going to feel?