Dumped my gf last night and feeling pretty down

[coolchick64]

Okay at times, worse at others. I am slowly starting to eat more and sleep more. Some times I feel okay about this whole thing and think the future will be alright no matter what happens. Other times I get really scared and terrified at the thought of never having her again. I would love to contact her but I know it will get me nowhere so I haven't.

 

I'm a bit of an obsessive thinker and tend to ruminate a lot in general. But it has gotten really bad now. This is literally the only thing I have been able to think about for the last few days. I need a break. lol

 

Yeah, I'm a recovering ruminator myself . . .

 

Yes, the future will be absolutely okay no matter how this turns out. That's for sure! Try to focus on that thought.

 

It's natural to feel panicked when you lose someone. People are hardwired to attach to other people, and when an attachment is threatened, it's so painful we'll do anything to get the attachment back. This has a lot of survival value but it also really hurts! Think of it like the pain you feel when you get burned---the pain is telling you to stop doing something (like put your hand in a fire). This ultimately helps you survive, so pain is a good thing, but it still hurts like crazy. Sorry to sound kind of cold and technical, but I'm just saying part of this is about missing her special qualities and part of it's just biology.

 

It's good that you're recognizing you need a break (and I bet you do). I imagine you're thinking about it constantly because you're trying to find a solution, get some control over the situation, or at least know what to expect. There are times in life when there's just no action to take. Things happen that you can't help or control and you just have to ride it out. I'm afraid this is one of those times . . .

 

So, keep taking good care of yourself, try to focus your attention on something else (ideally, something that reminds you how great you and the rest of your life are), and keep taking it one day at a time.

[byates5637]

Man work today is terrible. I absolutely can't concentrate on anything. I've spent most the day searching the internet for relationship advice. I don't even know what I'm looking for. It probably doesn't exist. I just want to find the magic words I can use to get her back I guess.

 

I really need to start doing some work, but all I am able to do is ruminate on this. 5 oclock can't get here soon enough. I'm going to go for a long walk by myself tonight. I've been doing that a lot lately. Helps me think things through.

 

Day 5 of NC and it's still a battle with myself. I keep thinking I have to do something to try and save this.

[Ms Darcy]

Remember, you had a talk. She said no. You need to accept it's over for now and get yourself through the day.

[byates5637]

I'm having freaking panic attacks and heart palpitations. I haven't had anxiety this bad in like 3 years. I can't believe this is affecting me so much. Sigh....

[Ms Darcy]

Can you can into some therapy sessions? Maybe some short-term treatment.

[byates5637]

I don't think I need any therapy. I just need to get through this.

[Ms Darcy]

I'm having freaking panic attacks and heart palpitations. I haven't had anxiety this bad in like 3 years. I can't believe this is affecting me so much. Sigh....

 

I don't think I need any therapy. I just need to get through this.

 

Read these two together. What issues do you have with therapy?

[byates5637]

Been down that road before. All they want to do is get you on medicine, which I don't need and wont take. I'm just having a rough patch I need to work my way through.

[MakeItCount]

You work out? (sorry, honestly haven't read this thread yet, just saw your last cpl posts). If not, get your ass to the gym. I'll give you a workout program if you need it. If you're going with one already, don't stop man. Tired, short for time, etc are no excuses, just do it.

[orchidrose]

Been down that road before. All they want to do is get you on medicine, which I don't need and wont take. I'm just having a rough patch I need to work my way through.

 

Not true. An LCSW or therapist is not able to give out medication, and focuses on working through your problems through discussion.

 

I was an absolute mess after my last LTR break-up and went into therapy almost immediately. It took me a LONG time to heal, but I can say without hesitation that the therapy helped me tremendously.

[byates5637]

You work out? (sorry, honestly haven't read this thread yet, just saw your last cpl posts). If not, get your ass to the gym. I'll give you a workout program if you need it. If you're going with one already, don't stop man. Tired, short for time, etc are no excuses, just do it.

I used to lift all the time. Stopped going a while ago.

 

I know how much it helps and I'm trying to get back. I went once last week. Problem is I haven't been eating and sleeping right so I have no energy right now. I'm still going to force myself there...hopefully tomorrow.

[Ms Darcy]

Not true. An LCSW or therapist is not able to give out medication, and focuses on working through your problems through discussion.

 

I was an absolute mess after my last LTR break-up and went into therapy almost immediately. It took me a LONG time to heal, but I can say without hesitation that the therapy helped me tremendously.

 

For some reason, men have more of a hang-up about therapy (in general). I suspect why there are so many guys on this forum who take years to heal; they aren't talking out their feelings.

[orchidrose]

For some reason, men have more of a hang-up about therapy (in general). I suspect why there are so many guys on this forum who take years to heal; they aren't talking out their feelings.

 

Yeah. Stupid gender conditioning.

 

Of course I'd still recommend it highly. Everyone can benefit from therapy.

[Ms Darcy]

Yeah. Stupid gender conditioning.

 

Of course I'd still recommend it highly. Everyone can benefit from therapy.

 

Oh I agree. After my break up a few years ago, I went straight to therapy and I was good as new after two months. I think it's great, if you are open to it.

[byates5637]

Feeling a bit better today. Had some realizations last night that helped me let go a little bit. My eating and sleeping habits have improved a good deal and are getting close to normal again.

 

I think a lot of the palpitations and anxiety were being cause by me chain smoking cigs. For the last week I have been smoking about 4x my normal amount. Threw my pack out last night and gonna take a break from them for a couple days at least.

 

I fully expect roadbumps and setbacks along the way, but I am just glad at this moment I feel a bit better. Thanks everyone.

[byates5637]

Well it's been a full week NC since our talk. Still missing her like crazy. Going through a lot of highs and lows. Some fleeting moments in the day I can smile and feel that everything is going to work out okay. Then there are the other times when I sink to an incredible low and don't know how to carry on.

 

NC is hard and I'm pretty sure I'm going to break it eventually. Sucks....

[coolchick64]

Sounds to me like you're doing really well with everything. If you're having some good moments and managing to function for the most part, that's all very positive. NC IS hard and breaking up truly DOES suck. I think most of the pain comes from struggling against what is, though. If you can accept that this is how it is today, not knowing for sure what tomorrow will bring, and try to stay in the moment, it might be easier. I've found it helpful anyway.

 

Glad to see your updates . . . you're in my thoughts : )

[byates5637]

Thanks coolchick. You're such a sweetheart. You're going to make some guy really happy one day, if you're not already.

 

 

 

So I broke NC today with some very promising results. Started with texts then we met up and talked for a while. Looks like we have a dinner date for next week. I'll type up more details tomorrow. Too tired now.

[byates5637]

So here's what happened last night:

 

I called her around 8. No answer, she immediately texts back "I'm on the train. What's up?"

 

So we have a short text convo that goes like this:

ME: "Would rather not talk in text. I just got a new car"

Her: "Congrats!"

ME "I want to show it to you"

Her: "Why?"

Me: "I dunno just cause I guess. I'm at the mall, you want to check it out when you get off the train."

Her: "I dunno I had a rough day. My friend is a handful and someone I know just overdosed. I really just need to go for a run."

Me: " Sorry to hear that."

Her: "Sorry to unload that. Forget I said anything"

Me: "No Problem. If u wanna meet up and talk for a min I'd be down. I kinda just miss you."

Her: "Thanks but I gotta get through this alone."

Me: "Well there were a couple things I wanted to talk about too but text is not the way to do it. Can I just have a couple mins of your time?"

Her: "Ok fine."

 

So this text conversation certainly goes against the conventional wisdom of how to get your partner back, but it ended up working out okay for me.

 

We meet up a couple mins later. I show her my car. Then we talked about her life problems for a bit and I tried to comfort her. I could tell she was warming up to me. So I eventually told her I miss her and want to start over. She said that's easier said than done, but it might be possible. She then agreed to come over for dinner next week. I then said goodbye and she hugged me. She wouldn't let go for about 2 minutes.

 

I'm looking forward to seeing her next week, but for now I'm back to no contact. Things are looking up.

[ddmnkfb]

I have just read all of your posts and found it sort of comforting as I myself am currently in the same situation. Continue to stay strong though, you are doing a good job

[coolchick64]

Wow, this is such great news! I'm so happy for you!! Baby steps, hon. It sounds like she's in need of space, so as long as you're consistent in your presence but not pushing, I think it'll go well. Keep us posted : )

[MakeItCount]

Good to hear man! Now keep going to the gym, it'll help with your mindset, you know this Plus, never hurts when she's grabbing onto those bulging biceps! hahaha

[byates5637]

Looks like she may be bailing out on our dinner plans.Not sure. I called her yesterday (first contact since wednesday) to confirm our plans. She didn't answer, but she texted me later. Weird text convo. Started off nice enough. I told her I wanted to make sure tuesday night was good for her and asked her to call me when she got a chance. She said "okay I'll call you later.

 

So I asked around what time to expect her call and she then things went a bit down hill. She says "I shouldn't be texting you, I shouldn't be calling you, and I definitely shouldn't be coming over for dinner." I told her "that hurt" and she said "being dumped hurts."

 

A couple more texts and then she said she would call me later. I ended up missing her call and we played phone tag back and forth for a bit but ultimately didn't get a chance to talk last night. I guess I'll talk to her tonight and see what the deal is.

 

It seems she still has a lot of anger towards me. Maybe one part of her wants to fix everything with me, but another part won't forgive me. I'll just take this one day at a time. I'm trying to not pressure her at all.

 

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Yea I'm definitely going to stick with the gym. When I started dating her I was lifting all the time. Gotta stick with it.

[orchidrose]

Sorry, man, but I understand completely where she's coming from. You rejected her - even if you now think that was a mistake, it's hard for her to just ignore that fact. I think you ARE pressuring her, and you need to slow down. Let her come to you. She will do that when/if she's ready, but it sounds like right now, she's still really hurting from the break-up and she knows that she's not ready to forgive you for that.

[byates5637]

Yea sucks. I'm just hoping there is some way I can eventually get her to forgive me. Seemed like she was sooo close when I saw her last week. I guess I'll go through one more round of apologizing to her tonight on the phone.