I am 20 years old and still confused about my sexuality

[IcecreamLove]

I am a late bloomer.

 

I started identifying myself as gay when I was 19 years olds. I am not really open about it, the people that know...know as for my family and acquaintances it is not something I make the point to be open about. I had a sexual relationship with another male at 17 and prior to that point, growing up in a rather strict environment I did not know anything about homosexuality or that it was fine for a man to be with another man. But now I am in college and away from my home. I dated two more guys since freshman year. I really fell in love with the second guy I dated and we have had a long standing on again off again relationship with each other. Up until this point those are the only relationships I have experienced.

 

In high school I have played tennis, done track, cross country, and also one season of baseball. In college I just started playing Lacrosse. In high school I was never really into other guys pre 17 years old but now in college, having all these older male team mates can be a turn on. Sometimes for our warm ups, we do things with partners, sitting between the other person's legs to race to half court, and you have to catch them. If you lose out of 5 times you have to carry your partner back to the locker room. I do not directly think about it when I am playing but after practice I do think about it a lot when I play it back in my mind.

 

I do not know if I am okay about all of that though. I really wish I would not exploit my fellow team mates in my head in some sexual manner but it is the closest thing I have to physical interaction with other men right now. Lacrosse turns me on off the field.

 

I feel SOME attraction to women. I have given them chances but that is not to say any girl that I have been with until this point was interested in long term dating. I usually push them away because I identify myself as gay. Some girls do catch my eye and I can be turned on by visual images of girl on girl or guy on girl as much as guy on guy. I have a real fear of being rejected though and since it is something new it takes a lot of courage to even try. And even if I do feel I could start a relationship with a woman, I get caught up with my on again off again long term relationship though. It is always on a back burner.

 

He feels like I am in some major denial about my sexuality and if it quacks like a duck, walks like a duck, it's a gay duck. I have befriended some of his friends (who are also gay) and they pretty much say the same thing. I do not want to regret giving up on someone whose pretty settled in life enough to want a serious relationship. With my long term relationship a lot of times we took breaks or broke up because I could not handle it. I would want to cuddle or lay around with him but kissing or being physically intimate was not something I always wanted. Even if when we did have seem to have a healthy sex life I was not always happy with it. Sometimes I felt really guilty. Sometimes I feel like this is not something I am positive about because I lack any relationship with the opposite gender. Maybe I am just convincing myself that I AM gay because it is the only thing I have experienced since I was 17. I have some major issues with physical intimacy. I am totally okay with sexting though, or being on webcam, in person it is so different.

 

My hormones are constantly buzzing though for almost anything. I could grow out of it once my body decides to settle itself down. College has been so confusing. I wasted so much time in high school being alone I have really broken out of my shell here. But I am not entirely sure if being gay is what I AM or something I WANT to be.

[FathomFear]

But I am not entirely sure if being gay is what I AM or something I WANT to be.

 

"Wanting" is not really a luxury when it comes to sexuality. I could "want" to be straight until I'm blue in the face but it wouldn't change the fact that I'm not attracted to women.

 

My only recommendation to you would be to focus on what actually lights a fire under you in terms of attraction. Don't focus on what you want to find attractive or what you think you should find attractive. I spent years of my life convincing myself I was straight because I could tell the difference between attractive and non-attractive women. Ultimately, though, I came to realize that knowing someone is attractive and actually being attracted to him/her are two entirely different things. Your sexuality is revealed in those moments you fantasize, the moments you pass someone on the street and your mind immediately lights up, with no conscious intervention. Once you do that you'll better understand your orientation. You don't need to "test drive" different genders to know which has an effect on you in this manner.

[IcecreamLove]

I know that probably came accross as really selfish for "wanting" to be gay but I do not mean it in the matter at all. I want to drop a little ambiguity here and rephrase the term sexual relationship when I was 17 to sexually abused when I was 17. I have sometimes felt like I lean towards relationships with men just to justify what has happened. I have gone to therapy and it DOES happen sometimes that someone who is actually straight is convincing themselves that they are gay because they felt emasculated when they were being abused by another man. So it has been a struggle trying to distinguish how I feel, how I want to feel, or just hormonal reactions. That is why I feel confused...still.

 

But I understand what you are suggesting to me about first instinct without conscious effort which is something I should probably focus on more.

[FathomFear]

I know that probably came accross as really selfish for "wanting" to be gay but I do not mean it in the matter at all. I want to drop a little ambiguity here and rephrase the term sexual relationship when I was 17 to sexually abused when I was 17. I have sometimes felt like I lean towards relationships with men just to justify what has happened. I have gone to therapy and it DOES happen sometimes that someone who is actually straight is convincing themselves that they are gay because they felt emasculated when they were being abused by another man. So it has been a struggle trying to distinguish how I feel, how I want to feel, or just hormonal reactions. That is why I feel confused...still.

 

I think you'll struggle to find any scientific or psychological studies that demonstrate how abuse leads to homosexuality. Honestly, that's just propaganda thrown around by conservatives. It's based on the assumption that heterosexuality is the norm or "default", and that homosexuality arises out of trauma or confusion.

 

The desire to want to explain your same-sex feelings tends to stem from this. I spent years asking myself--"Why?" I came up with all sorts of similar explanations. Now, though, I never think about it. The cause is irrelevant. It could be genetic, environmental, etc--regardless of the cause what matters is that there's not identifiable way to change it, and there's nothing wrong with it either way.

[lukeb]

I totally agree with Fanthom here, I would add that I thought it was telling that you said you were totally comfortable sexting and webcamming. I wouldn't say you are a late bloomer at 20 and had some experience at 17, that's pretty much the norm especially growing up in a conservative family.

 

I would look into weening yourself off of online sex, it is probably not doing you any good. It can sometimes turn into unhealthy or addictive behaviors. Try not to overthink who or what you are, and be honest with the people you are with.