PLEASE help! Is my boyfriend interested in an older woman?

[SouthernGirl20]

I have been with my boyfriend for almost three years. Although, we are not engaged, we talk about marriage all the time and use the words, "when we get married" and "our kids". He talks like he's sure that he wants to marry me and has since the beginning of our relationship.

 

Well, my boyfriend is the one of the sweetest guys in the world. He is very friendly to EVERYONE, men, woman, young, or old. He has always been interested in other cultures--especially Japanese. Several months agon, he mentioned that he met a woman 5 years older than the both both of us (we are both 21) when she came into the bank where he works (located in a Wal-Mart Supercenter). Well, he mentioned her and there and said that she is really nice to talk to. He told me the things they talked about while he waited on here. I didn't worry too much at first. Well, a little over a month ago, my boyfriend starts talking about her a whole lot. He says that she always ask about me whenever he waits on her. She asks him how I like school and what classes I am taking. He always says that she really wants to meet and that the three of us should all go out and have dinner and possibly watch a movie. Well, I'll admit that I am pretty jealous, so I became pretty angry at the idea. I suspected that the two of them only wanted us to all go out so that they could spend time together and get to know eachother outside of the work environment. Well, I mentioned this thought to my boyfriend and he said that I had nothing to worry about and said that he's just very interested in her culture, she's very nice and he enjoys talking to her, she's never been flirtatious with him, and that she could use a good friend like me because she doesn't have many friends outside of the work. He said he wanted me to be "good friends" with her. Well, after many arguments over the idea, I finally give in and tell him that I'll meet her. Well, I met her, and she seemed extremely nice and nothing seemed suspicious to me. Well, I email her about once a week and she always seems very happy to hear from me. She does "seem" genuine. The thing that bothers me is that my boyfriends interest in the Japanese culture has skyrocketed since he has met her. He wants to learn the language, live there, watches their television shows, etc. I don't know if he's interested in her because she's Japanese or if he's interested in the Japanese culture because of her. I think he talks to her a couple of times a week when she comes into the bank. I just wonder if she actually does banking that much or if she goes out of her way to interrupt his work and talk to him. Also, it bothers me because he wants us all to get together sometime soon and her and I cook at his house. He lives with his parents and he even mentioned the idea to them. It may sound stupid, but the thought of my boyfriend introducing her to his parents and inviting her into their home with welcome arms kills me, especially because she is super nice. It just makes me feel like he thinks she's special enough to "bring home to Mom and Dad" as if she's he "other" girlfriend. My boyfriend is supersweet, honest, and has Christian values, and this woman is very nice and intersting to talk to, but should I be suspicious? My boyfriend talks about marrying me every single day and gets really excited about it, but...I don't have a ring on my finger yet, so I still have my fears. Should I be suspicious of either of them...possibly both? Also, if my boyfriend was in the wrong, would he tell me everytime he sees and what they talk about, or is just being a very honest boyfriend? Possibly trying to make me jealous? This situation bothers me so bad that I have trouble breathing just thinking about it, and even have trouble resting at night. I've been dealing with things better, but it still bothers me. Sometimes I'm so sure that he truly loves me and is faithful to me, but other times I'm so afraid the he actually "likes" her and is too kind and respectful to break up with me and pursue her or to go anywhere beyond strictly friendship with her. I really appreciate any advice. Thank you.

[Beec]

From what you describe, I think you have nothing to worry about.

 

Even if one assumes that he has some attraction to her or even a crush on her, he is dong what? Talking to her and telling you pretty much all they talk about? Seems to me that he is hiding nothing.

 

What about his feelings? He tells you he wants to marry you and is happy about the idea!! What are you worried about? In the near future, I don't see anything to worry about from what you describe.

 

Keep him happy and he probably won't look elsewhere.

[AngelOfDarknes]

this reminds me of my ex, he did the same sh*t then decide to breakup, and his still with her...well your bf is acting just to friendly to her why does she need to meet his family? if there just friends..and why do u to have arguments over her thats stupid,that shows already that shes means alot to him *rolls eyes* ok so just talk to him which wont really help cuzz they dont understand, or you can wait until he comes and tells you that its over maybe im wrong but hey that what happened to me..so it seems the same pattern.,goodluck

[Princess777]

Greetings.

 

I read your post and this is a strange dilemma. I'm not sure how to respond to this..... I agree with Beec that you most likely don't have anything to worry about as far as boyfriend/girlfriend issues, as long as he keeps up the interest in you.

 

What bothers me is how he is so interested in her "culture" and how he seems to really want to maintain his relationship with her..... this is unlike anything I've dealt with, so basically I think you should give him the benefit of the doubt..... he might just be intrigued by the culture as a whole, and she is his source for answers he may have always wondered about. I understand your insecurity with this, though. Have you talked to him and told him how you feel? Ask him how he would feel if the shoe were on the other foot and you were interested in a British guy or whatever, and wanted him to meet your parents, etc.?? Some people don't think like that so you have to spell it out for them, you know..... While I don't think his friendship with her is a bad thing, I do find it odd that he would want to spend extra time with her outside of work... I found out a long time ago that mixing business with pleasure is not a good idea. Since you're not married you can't really put your foot down on this one, in my opinion, so I would just give him the benefit of the doubt because, if he were truly hiding something I doubt he would tell you all that he has, and invite you along on their excursions. He'd want to be alone with her.

Whether he falls for her later, or already has, is totally out of your control anyway, so try not to take it like that or think about it in a negative way... you said he's a friendly guy, you might just have to decide if you can live with his "friends" in the picture. What is right for you? You can only control your own life and who is in it, not anyone else's. I hope you can work this out with him.... but ultimately it is up to you if you want to deal with it. Decide what is most important to you.

[Val]

Hey I know how you feel because my boyfriend's BEST FRIEND is a girl. It bothers me as well because they have known each other for years and she has met his parents (they like her) just like I have. However, I have not been with him for 3 yrs! Right now, I still have my guy friends and he still has his girl who r friends. A little jealousy, of course, is always present. But if and when my bf and i get serious (like marriage) his girls are going to have to go.

 

After all, why would someone need a friend from the opposite sex when he\she has found THE ONE. The truth is girls and guys just can't ONLY be friends. In the long run, one will ultimately fall 4 the other. Don't get me wrong ur boyfriend may love you more than words could possibly ever describe but she, may end up falling 4 ur man just like it could easily be the other way around.

 

My best advice to you is talk to him about it. But if ur afraid that he'll only see it as mere jealousy plan outings for hmmm lets see . . . just the TWO of you. If he truly loves you this japonese face should be flushed in no time.

[Beec]

A few more comments, because I have a few more thoughts.

 

First, as is known to many around here, I have particular ideas about why people fall in love and what you can do so they are more likely to fall in love with you. The same apply to keeping them in lvoe with you. If you don't give the person what they need emotionally, in the proper balance, they will no stay in love with you. If you are too needy, clingy or insecure, they will do the same. So make sure you try to keep the rightmixture, which may change over time, and you measure this by how they act towards you and react to what you do.

 

Second, one of our jobs in a relationship is to make the other person feel secure with the idea of the relationship. At first, it is not secure at all, then it becomes more secure. Always secure, but not too secure. They have to realize that there is a door, and you can leave. If you are too secure they are more likely to take you for granted and/or stop fulfilling your needs.

 

So, SouthernGirl maybe you should convey in a good manner how your bf needs to make you feel secure. If you are always insecure, you need to work on this issue too.

[Princess777]

This is getting very interesting. I am intrigued by the comments posted here. I, too have always been perplexed by someone who is committed to their partner, to have friends of the opposite sex.... it has always seemed wrong to me. I think it is because I am an idealist, my thinking is very rare, and I guess I'm an all or nothing kind of person. I don't live much in a gray area.... I know that's a problem sometimes because most people do live in a gray area. I am working on that and trying to learn more. By all means, I am not right about everything, it's simply my opinion. I am anxious to hear more on this topic.

I think a lot of this problem revolves around respect for the other person. Even though one partner might feel insecure, and this is generalized as an undesirable trait, I believe that part of being in a committed relationship is giving and taking.... you compromise things in your life for your partner that don't necessarily take away from you as a person, but rather build character and show flexibility and an open mind, not to mention compassion and a caring heart. I have experienced times with different partners that have shown a slight interest in a female for a talent they possess, etc., and even though I know they're not interested in the girl romantically, I freak out...... I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I wonder what he sees in this other girl that I cannot provide, so I begin thinking that something is wrong with me, or that I should be providing that for him. Also I tend to think the same way as the other girl who posted here, that a male and a female "friendship" will eventually plummet into one falling romantically for the other, IF one doesn't already have those feelings and just won't admit it to the other one. I see it as highly unlikely to maintain a friendship between a male and a female if there is no chemistry or attraction. At least, I find it hard to believe that a male and female who are strictly plutonic and neither is interested in the other romantically in any way, shape, or form, would go to any trouble to maintain this friendship over an extended period of time.

I'm not sure what attracts someone to someone of the opposite sex if they are not interested in them romantically......I mean, it's one thing to work with members of the opposite sex on a daily basis and genuinely enjoy working with them and agreeing with their work ethic, etc.... I think everyone can do that, but to take that friendship outside of the workplace, hmmmmmm now that's something to be explored.... WHY???? Why would anyone do that??? I'm not sure, and I'm not sure if I'd believe anyone who told me it was just because they were intrigued by their culture.... I just find that odd. Call ME odd I guess.

[Beec]

Well, I have women I am friends with, some of with who there is a little history with, some who wanted to make some history but I didn't, some with who I wanted but that didn't happen, and some when neither demonstrated any inclination.

 

Some of them are now married and I know and hang out with their husbands. None of them involve any of us demonstrating anything that seems like a desire to get together.

 

I don't see this as weird. I have friends who are male, and I don't want to play hide the baloney with any of them. Why shouldn't I also have friends who are female? I don't get how you see someone who is fun, decent and you enjoy being around and not want to be friends, whether there is an attraction or not and whether it can be acted on or not.

 

When there is a relationship in the picture, then limits need to be observed. For instance, you can go out, have drinks or something, but you cannot do it until three in the morning. You cannot flirt with them in front of their man or woman. There is only very, very limited flirtatious conduct allowed.

 

Guess I just see it from the opposite perspective. If the person is someone you'd like to know, why must it involve sex just because they are members of the opposite sex?

[lillady898]

I'm kind of in the same position as this person, because my boyfriend wants to study one-on-one with a girl while away at school (alone... in a nonpublic room).

 

I trust him and everything, but I don't think 2 people of the opposite sex should spend time alone in a small private room. No matter how long they've known eachother and whatnot, you never know when there will be the temptation. Even the most honest people get ruined by temptation. They're alone, I'm away, things can happen.

 

And, I've learned that the more time you spend with one person, the more attatched you get to someone. Someone once said that time is the building block of love. And I really believe that. If a guy is spending more time with a certain girl, eventually feelings could develop. Especially if he's around his other girl less.

 

Atleast this situation isn't like mine, where I have to worry about them being in private, you know?

 

But I just think the boyfriend shouldn't even want to be around other girls. I know I don't want to be alone with any other guys!

[Princess777]

This is mostly directed to Beec:

 

I am not really sure how to answer that because I don't really know why I feel this way. I guess everyone is different, and what works for some people won't work for others. I think it's great that you have these friendships, however, if it were I who had those, I would call them "acquaintances" instead of friends. I don't call people friends unless I can count on them to back me up through thick and thin, etc., and if I need them at 3 AM for an emergency, they'd come running with no questions and wouldn't ever judge me or be mad if I bothered them at that hour. Of course, again, everyone is different and their definitions of friends are different. So, the best I can do is to say that I think it's nice to know that there are people out there who can be friends with the opposite sex with no ulterior motive on either side. But I just can't help thinking that when these relationships exist, it's because one of them really harbors feelings for the other and they're just not coming clean. When minimal time is spent with someone of the opposite sex in a group, I don't see a problem with it, even if they're in a committed relationship with other people. But like another poster said, when TOO much time is spent with someone of the opposite sex who is not your partner, (i.e. your example of drinking till 3 AM) that's when something COULD potentially happen and most likely will. I don't agree with drinking at ALL without my significant other for that very reason. Not for one drink, not for five or not in the middle of the day or till 3 AM. I just choose that for myself, but if it works for others and they can keep themselves out of trouble 100% of the time and not make their partner jealous or ask too many questions, etc., then that's their choice. I just think it's risky to spend time with someone of the opposite sex, alone, when your partner is not around. I don't think I could trust someone who did that often. It would show me that their values aren't matching up with mine. Not to say they're wrong and I'm right, we just wouldn't match. And I couldn't live with that. And I thought my standards were already too low! ha ha ha

[Beec]

Well, I think with most of the women I am friends with, one of us had some desire for the other at some point in time. But neither of us has any intention or desire to act on it.

 

Last night, I was invited out for drinks by one. She is married. I only knew that both of us would be there, although I knew others were invited. Shortly after we had our first drinks, another woman showed up. Later on, a second man. Finally, the first woman's husband. It could have been only me and her. In the end it wasn't.

 

I think that it can be done and there is no reason it should not be. But, there is also a requirement that any spouse, partner, etc. be made to feel comfortable with it. If it was two of us going out to dinner twice a week, then I'd need to think about it. There are limits to how much contact and the kind of contact you should have. I should not be hanging out alone with her in their apartment. But, I think that if there is really no way anythign could be going on, then the partners need to accept that a friendship can exist.

 

Are all of these worthy of 3 a..m., I need help, telephone calls. No. But if I needed it, woudl I get it? Probably.

[Princess777]

Beec,

 

Nice answer, I agree!

 

Yeah, when you think about the 3 AM need help phone call, all of a sudden none of us have as many "friends" as we think, huh? I just always think about that scenario before I call someone a friend. Otherwise, they're just an acquaintance because I wouldn't call them at 3 AM with a problem.

[Beec]

I think I have more divisions. Acquaintances, are those I really don't feel like I could ask for anythign from without a quid pro quo being implied. When we make efforts to get together and try to help each other or give each other gifts or whatever, they are friends. When I can just call and ask for a favor, then they are pretty good friends. If I think I could call and ask them to come bail me out of jail, then they are really, very good friends. And when they don't live up to your expectations, they slide back toward being acquaintances.