XXBF UPDATE! Scared? Confused? Smitten again?

[TrueHeart]

Folks,

 

For those who've been following along-- here's a new break in the ice:

 

Adam and I (XXBF) have been 'dating' on and off for the past solid month or so. I have spent a lot of time with him, spending nights, watching/seeing movies, going out to lunches/dinners and recently going on a vacation with him to Mexico for the July 4th weekend. Things between us seem to be as they were. We act as if we are a couple again.

 

On our venture home, we had a discussion. I asked him about the type of relationship we had-- were we friends, dates, 'bed'-buddies, or BF/GF. His answer kind of blew me off course, but was something I would expect to hear at this moment in time. He said that we were dating, but not BF/GF- Even though things are as they were, he said that they didn't feel the same. My reply was that we have been through a lot, and it just might take some time to get back into the swing of things.

 

He said he was afraid to be hurt again, and that he is afraid things wouldn't work out between us if we got back together. He said that he was hurt so bad, he doesn't think he'll ever really get over that-- though he forgives me for it.. It broke my heart to hear that. Mostly, that he thinks things wouldn't work out...

 

Next week, I am planning on taking him out to a nice, formal dinner at a nice Italian restaurant. I will declare my intentions to him formally, which will give me some time to tie up some loose ends (namely, my ex) I want him to feel special, and especially to have him see how special he makes me feel, and how he lights up my life...

 

It still seems that he is confused about things, and perhaps is just a little scared to even try. I said that I've made my mistakes, learned my lesson, and have changed because I WANT to change, not because I have to. I have fallen in love with him all over again, rekindled the dying love I thought I lost. Last night, we had dinner, and later he told me to call him.. So I did a few hours later-- he said he was feeling a little sad, and though he did tell me to call, he really didn't want to talk to anyone-- he apologized and I told him that if he did change his mind, not to hesitate to call... He said he loves me beyond any comparison, and could never turn me away..

 

I just wish I knew what was going through his head-- He's obviously confused and scared about something, but what? I need some help-- I'm caught between my heart and head here!

[Beec]

If you want him, then your are right on track as to making him feel special. Making him feel special, or anyone feel that way, is what will make them want you.

 

At the same time, I would advise you to consider telling him your intentions. I would NOT tell him your intentions, at least not now.

 

People who make us feel special are those we fall for, but they also need to seem aloof or independent to us, i.e. not needy. Love is a deal a bargain, we are willing to give so long as what we feel we get in the balance is worth it. It need not be a tit for tat deal, but it is always a deal. For instance, a guy may worship the ground a woman walks on and do everything for her and get apparently little in the mix, if he gets something just from her presense, i.e. if she is a trophy. The deal can work in millions of ways. Most of us need a deal that is a bit tit for tat, but we each make our own. If telling him your intentions makes you seem needy, then you are going to raise the cost of yourself to him.

 

On the otherhand, you also may need to show him that you will give him a return on his investment. that is, if he gives you his affections, that he will then get yours. Here is where the concept of fidelity comes in.

 

One final twist to the mix is to remember that we want what we cannot have, so laying it all on the line may tell him you will be there for now and he can have you, so why should he buy the whole thing when he can decide later.

 

Think about your messages you are going to send him

[TrueHeart]

One final twist to the mix is to remember that we want what we cannot have, so laying it all on the line may tell him you will be there for now and he can have you, so why should he buy the whole thing when he can decide later.

 

Thanks for replying!! I had a few questions on this last line of yours.. Could you explain that a little bit for me?

[Beec]

Well, the idea is that "we want what we cannot have" and the opposite, "we don't want what we know we can always have for the asking."

 

 

Should he reject a committed relationship now, but then changes his mind and wants it in six months, will he think you will waiting and ready. Will he think that you are or will be available to him for an indefinite time. I had an on and off realtionship with an ex, who really made it clear that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. I knew I could have it, I knew she was there for me for the taking. Don't let him think he has an open offer to take you up on it whenever he wants.

 

I always like to think of the lines I'd like to say after conveying the rest of your message as saying that instead of you telling them you want them, you should be telling him that is he had any sense he would get off the fence and grab you now, while you are here, because you are the woman he should want, and it would be a shame for him to pass up on this opportunity and miss out. It stills let's him know you are there now for him, but it does not convey an indefinitely open offer.

[TrueHeart]

Ahh- I gotcha. So basically, without it seeming like a threat or, persay, an ultimatum- just to convey that I am ready for him now, but I am not going to be waiting forever.

 

He once told me about a week ago that he has never stopped wanting me back, even thoughout all we've been through-- that all he has ever wanted was to have me back, but he's afraid to be hurt again-- that it wouldn't work out.

 

Now that he finally has the opportunity, I'm just curious why he doesn't just jump on it! I guess thats more or less my predicament...

[Beec]

You seem to be getting what you need to do.

 

It's actually multiple messages. Including one that you are unlikely to hurt him again. Don't expect overnight decisions.

 

Also realize that you can not always make someone feel special. It is something to turn on and off and on and off, over and over and over again. Turn it on, withdraw, repeat.

[RayKay]

Now that he finally has the opportunity, I'm just curious why he doesn't just jump on it! I guess thats more or less my predicament...

 

Because sometimes fear can be very powerful, it is actually the opposite of love (not hate), but as long as there is love, there will always be a certain degree of fear. As to how much depends on the circumstances, but making yourself vulnerable to another person is very scary in itself. So....right now he is still moving more towards the side of fear. Until he resolves these inner conflicts, he will not be able to fully move over to love and be ready to totally try again with you, no matter how much he loves you and wants to be with you. He has probaby built a lot of barriers up in his heart against pursuing you because of that hurt and fear.

 

As you have said, he has been hurt before by you, and while he clearly DOES have feelings for you...he is telling you the truth when he says he is worried about it - worried about his heart. It probably took him a long time to heal. Just take things as they are right now, and let things grow - they ARE growing, even if it seems to be going really slow for you...just trust that they are. He is trying to rebuild his trust not only of you, but of himself too.

 

And Beec has some good advice (I wish I could only apply it better to my own circumstances right now!).

 

Good luck

[TrueHeart]

I do really appreciate all you've said, guys! Honestly. I know his honesty in that was pretty hard to admit to me, and perhaps, caused some of his depression he was feeling yesterday and last night. Trust is so hard to regain, but I have been honest with him for a very long time in trying to redeem that part of myself in him. Overnight's will never happen, but I'm glad to know that things are growing, and atleast he's thinking of me, you know?

 

I am really nervous about this dinner. I do not want to portray that I want someone else, but I do want to have him chase a little bit, just like I'm chasing him. He hasn't called since last night, and I know he has today off-- I'm dying inside to just call, but lots of me says not to-- when he's ready to talk about it, I'm sure he will volunteer it.

 

Miracles can happen.. He left his GF, and I thought that would never be-- he took me to a baseball game, vacation when he could have taken someone else... I do feel very flattered.. and some part of me tells me that he wouldn't be wasting his time in this 'woo' stage, if he really didn't want me back... testing old waters can be very scary.. I'll admit, I'm terrified too... what IF things don't work out.. what IF they do.. But I think I'm a little more optomistic than he is.... How should I handle today's contact, if any? Dinner next week? Casual and comfortable is my first instinct.

[Beec]

If I had a woman trying to make me feel special, a little effort to make i special and appear a little romantic would be all it took.

 

Think about this as an example. I am dating a woman. We decide to go off on a hike through a forest with some meadows or something. I tell her I will bring lunch, etc. When we get to when we want to have lunch, I open up something to sit on like a blanket, break out a decent picnic lunch and have a split or demium size bottle of wine (one with only a couple glasses in it max). How does my effort in making that kind of a lunch make her feel. It's not the cost of it, but the thought and effort that makes it special.

 

Use that idea to make your dinner special for your guy.

 

Trueheart, when you are making him feel special, you can lfirtingly tell him that he may need to make a choice, but don't tell him there is another or may be another guy. It's jsut a message that you won't wait forever. How long will you? If I were you, I wouldn't know.

 

As far as today's contact, let him call and be casual. Your voice will probably give part of your feelings away, so don't worry about anything else. Just be casual.

[TrueHeart]

And I have no problem being the hopeless romantic. That is why I preferred an Italian setting, very romantic. I will let him call, and you're right, the tone in my voice will say it all. I don't want to be a pest to him or bother him in a moment he needs by himself... Its all so complicated, but has a simple solution.

 

I am really debating on whether or not I really should go all out for it, but he is 100% worth it. I know he will appreciate it, and see it for what it is, so perhaps my actions in this will be seen as genuine as I am trying to make it... Actions speak louder than words... Oh boy, I really am nervous!

[a_little_sparrow]

Hey trueheart,

 

I really don't think you have so much to be nervous about. On the surface of things, he just took you out for a weekend vacation to Mexico, and you all had a really good time. The nervousness, from what I can see, comes from the fact that he didn't say you guys are bf/gf right now. But you're dating, and those were his words.

 

Taking him out for a nice dinner is exactly what two people who are dating would do. Be excited about it, because I think you have a lot to be excited about. And then I wouldn't worry so much about nailing him down on whether you're bf/gf. Right now he's making clear choices about who he wants to spend time with (you!), and that should stand for a lot. As Raykay points out: things are definitely growing.

 

Like Beec says, you're making him feel special by taking him out to dinner. You might be nervous now, but I'm sure once you're with him that nervousness will be mainly excitement, and all the reasons you're falling in love with him again will be evident. And he'll feel that good will toward him. You're doing everything right in my opinion.

 

Though I do think that questioning him about the bf/gf thing is kind of high pressure. And kind of posing things as all or nothing. The trust thing for you guys is a really big deal, and the only way he's going to learn to trust you is through time. Remain sincere with him, and keep making him feel special, and I think things will eventually turn out for the best.

[TrueHeart]

Thanks Kent. I really appreciate that. Mostly, I am still a little nervous. I know of all the people (women as well), he chose me.. even over his XGF who apparently is his friend as well. I know that there are a lot of people who want to see me fail with him, and he with me.. but they can keep their opinions to themselves. Adam is not easily influenced by other's opinions, thankfully, and makes decisions for himself based on his own feelings.

 

I just hope that he does come around. All you guys are great! I just wish I could give you all a great big hug! I am going to leave him alone for the time being, perhaps just cool off the jets a while... We'll have to see.

 

This weekend, I am going to San Jose to visit a friend-- I think the time away will (hopefully) have him miss me as I will him. Absense makes the heart grow fonder, I pray that time will make me the successor in this bout..

[TrueHeart]

Disaster has struck--

 

Tonight after he told me that he was going to spend the night alone playing video games, and going to bed early.. I caught the man I want to rekindle my love with, Adam.. in bed with his XGF.

 

Her clothing was outside the door, bra and all... and a poem in the living room outside his room... which was shut.. A poem with her professing her undying love for him. I guess I was wrong.. I guess I was wrong.. Everything I ever believed in just came crashing down, and I am back at square one...

 

He lied to me.... and I was a fool to believe otherwise...

[Beec]

Sorry to hear that, and I don't know anything else to tell you.

 

I'm sure it hurts, and you'll be grieving over it. Get all your grieving done and move on. And while your at it, imagine breaking all of his windows or taking a baseball bat to his car.

[TrueHeart]

I've actually thought about that.. in all sincerity, but that would make me feel childish. Besides, windows and everything can be replaced... my heart cannot.

 

Last night, after crying so hard I couldn't anymore, I left a message on his machine with just "You lied to me."-- he sent me a message early this morning saying "I sorry, I didn't want to upset you"-- I then replied "what were you doing up this early.." and he said "Couldn't sleep"--- at this point, he doesn't know that I saw her clothes on the floor and a poem from her on the ground. I replied with "I bet. What were you doing"-- (this is the 3rd time I've given him to tell me) He replied with "Mega Man" and then "I'll call you later when I wake up.."

 

So my reply was "Yeah, that explains Jenna's clothes on the floor and a poem professing her undying love for you in the front room, RIGHT IN FRONT of your Playstation (mega man game). Its amazing how looking through a patio door can change everything.."

 

He never replied to it... but I have nothing to say to him. I don't ever want to speak to him again, have him touch me or anything. I felt like a pawn, asked him several days ago if he was planning on company... he said no. Atleast when she asked him about me, he came right out with it... I don't know why he never said anything... and I had to find out the way I did. He couldn've even give me the common courtesy of telling me.. He had to sneak it.---- because he thought I'd be upset. Well he can kiss my rosey red keester, and so can she.

 

This pain inside is nothing like I've ever felt before. All I know is that I'll make it easy on him and just disappear and not come running back like Jenna did.... Screw that, to be quite frank.

 

So when he calls, I'll hang up on him-- tell him face to face I don't want to ever see him again, I don't ever want him to touch me again, I just want the love I had for him to die in me because he's no longer the man I fell in love with anymore.... and I was a fool to believe otherwise.

[RayKay]

Oh Trueheart, I am soooo sorry to hear this I have been following your story and was hoping for you.

 

Wasn't Jenna the one who was not going to "give it up"? I wonder if she is using sex now as a strategy (not a good one in the long run however).

 

If he does contact you again, I wonder what his "story" will be.

Be strong, hate him and let him be. I bet he will come crawling back one day (from the sounds of Jenna from previous posts, she is a bit manipulative and one can only take that for so long) and tough, you will have moved on and be much happier.

 

 

 

Now I am sad too and nervous about my own situation!

[Beec]

Trueheart,

 

You have the attitude you should have right now.

 

I find imaging someone's head being mangled by a chain saw to be therapeutic, but I am only imagining it.

 

If hating him is going to help you get through this, do it. He deserves it.

 

Beec

[TrueHeart]

Thanks guys. There is nothing I want more than to just really slap him in the face, and just walk away. I want to know his excuse for it too, but only for my pure amusement at the thought that he got caught, thinking he was soo smooth.

 

I hate him, and I don't want to love him anymore. No one that deserves my love, would do what he did to me. I opened myself up when I was already wounded, and now I feel like I'm laying on my death-bed.

 

I hate him, and I want him to know what its like without me forever-- not even as a friend which we strived to be so many times. He's shown his true colors...

[TrueHeart]

He called on my lunch hour, and I lost it.. He claims that he was going to tell me today.. and I said it didn't matter because I already knew and I would have respected it more that him be upfront with me instead of pushing off the question for 3 days... He wants to 'talk tonight'-- but I have no interest in his excuses, or anything.

 

Part of me wants to really hear him out and see what he comes up with, but my mind was made up.. I told him on the phone I was hurt, and what he did to me hurt me beyond everything, has done irrepairable damage.

 

Tonight, I will give him the common courtesy to talk to me... but I am not budging. I need the closure.. thats it.. I'll post whats happened once everything is said and done...

[caveat]

Stay strong...if this is the last time you see him make sure the image of you standing proud and defiant is the last thing that is burned into his memory. Trust me, he will take that with him wherever he goes for the rest of his days.

[TrueHeart]

Well he got off work about 30 minutes ago, and hasn't called to tell me to come over. I will give him another hour just in case he decided to go to the gym.. but I will wait no longer after that... I will wait until 9:30--- then thats it.

 

When I left work today, he had a dozen long-stem fire'n'ice roses (my favorite) and he said he was sorry... It really confused me, but all I kept thinking was "has he done that to Jenna when he apologized to her about me?"--- it struck a nerve, but all I keep in mind is how badly I hurt last night and everything...

 

I will wait another hour, and then I will turn my phone off.. His chance will come and go-- and it won't matter because all he'll do with that is put the last nail in his coffin.