Can't stop cheating

[megs]

i am engaged to the best guy but i find that every so often i freak out and go out and have a lot to drink and then end up fooling around with someone else. i really love him but sometimes i hust think thjat i don't know if he is the one, no one has ever loved me like him and i know that if i leave him it will probably be my last chance at true love. Recently i met someone (who i had known and been with years ago) and we started talking and seeing each other, i know he doesn't want a relationship and he knows i'm in one but the chemistry is amazing.

[Tinkerbell]

You're engaged, the least you can do for your fiancee is tell him the truth. He's ready to dedicate his entire life to you, yet you're so unsure that you go out and fool around with other men? Having too much to drink is not an excuse, you have to tell him what you've been up to; no matter how much it's going to hurt him he deserves to know. Before you do this I suggest you figure out what you want. Do you want to be with him or not? If you decide you wish to continue a relationship with him (that is if he's willing after he finds out what you've done) you musn't begin such inappropriate behaviour again, or you'll probably jeopardize your entire relationship for good. I can understand that you must be fearing such a great commitment, but you've made it clear just how much this man loves you and cares for you, don't do this to him...

[JonnyG]

If he is the one, I don't know why u are messing with someone else. U say u love him yet go with someone else. How would u feel if he did that to u? Maybe u should b happy with who u are with, and if it could b your final chance at love, God knows why your risking it all.

 

U seriously need to think about your future. U are engaged. If u don't think u can b loyal to him, let him go now. It will hurt him, but better now than later.

[ShroudedSorrow24]

You HAVE to tell him what you have done and ask for his forgiveness. You are lying to him by not telling him what you have done. Would you actually start a life with this guy with all these lies and deceptions? It will hurt him deeply but you need to do this... If I were in your shoes I would do it b/c it would be KILLING my concience

[PunkPyro912]

Yeah if it were me i would definatly ask for forgiveness, for me...it would be like doing something really bad like i dunno.....break somethignr eally valuable in the house or something (the mind of a 12 year old), and if i didnt tell them after ac ouple days it would REALLY bother me and build up on me. Now for you if its been a couple days, weeks, months, years, etc. it would be KILLING me inside, so the best you can do for your future marriage is tell him and beg him for forgiveness

[KBK]

i am engaged to the best guy but i find that every so often i freak out and go out and have a lot to drink and then end up fooling around with someone else. i really love him but sometimes i hust think thjat i don't know if he is the one, no one has ever loved me like him and i know that if i leave him it will probably be my last chance at true love. Recently i met someone (who i had known and been with years ago) and we started talking and seeing each other, i know he doesn't want a relationship and he knows i'm in one but the chemistry is amazing.

 

This is the main reason men end up not trusting women and treat all future prospects like crap. You remind me of my ex girlfriend whom I loved to death and all she did was lie and cheat on me. GROW UP!!!

[bleeder]

Hi Megs,

 

Here are a few things you can do :

 

1. Avoid drinking, since you know that you tend to lose control over yourself when in an induced state.

 

2. Set your priorities right. If you know that cheating is wrong, take an active step towards stopping it. We cannot preach about something and go the other way.

 

3. Learn to focus on your fiance and your fiance only, if you have made up your mind about him. There WILL always be others out there who are better, richer, prettier etc. What matters in a relationship is that we commit ourselves to one person. Don't go thinking about "what-ifs" for it doesn't get you anywhere.

 

All the best.

[birdgirl]

I always get antsy in long-term relationships, so I know what you're going through. Maybe he's not the right one?

 

I just don't put myself around guys I want to fool around with. An old crush recently contacted me, so I made sure I didn't see him. That's about it. I don't want to, so I wear blinders, because I don't want to cheat.

[hurtabandoned]

First of all you must come clean about what you have done. Your fiance deserves to know the truth. And you need to do some soul searching. You need to decide if marriage is what you want right now. If holding up your end of the commitment is that difficult I would rethink this whole thing.

 

If he chooses to forgive you and you still decide on marriage realize that your spouse deserves to have a faithful mate. There is no excuse for hurting someone that way. Don't blame the alcohol - you are in complete control before you start.

 

Other than the emotional scars (read my posts if you want to see how infidelity affects others) that you inflict on your partner there are other risks as well. You could very well be endangering their life. It's one thing to put youself at risk for contracting HIV or other diseases that AJAX can't remove. It's another to unknowingly put your spouse at risk. Even if you are practicing safe sex thereare no guarantees.

 

Above all, behonest with yourself and your fiance.

 

-Hurt&Abandoned

[sarahmaria]

hey,

maybe its an understatment when i say that what you are doing is wrong... the key point here is that he is your fiance, which means that when he proposed to you he made the decision that you are going to be his wife, ie you would never cheat on him and it means that he completely trusts you,in addition he is completely in love with you...and i dont believe for a second that you could willingly try to hurt him...

if you really dont want to be with him then you have to tell him...its not right for you to lead him on like this...talk to him, you have gotten this far so it might be easier than you think...

if you want to be with him still, then you really have to straighten yourself up...again i say talk to him, if you want to stay with him he will understand..as long as you aproach him in the right way...

[Francis]

It seems that for you loyalty is not a very important value. That is fine, we all have the liberty to think as we wish and to be true to ourselves. And we all have the right to grow at our own pace.

 

However, your freedom stops when you are trespassing upon another person's happiness. You don't have the right to hurt another person and this will probably hurt and devastate your fiance.

 

You have to be true to yourself and you seem to enjoy having the freedom to sleep around. Why don't you accept this trait in your personality and try to have a lifestyle that is compatible with your feelings?

 

A very important factor in marriage is loyalty, if you don't feel like being loyal or if that is difficult for you, you should not get married. There are lots of guys who enjoy sleeping around and who do not want exclusivity. Even some men want to marry without exclusivity.

 

You know yourself and you know whether you will be able to stay loyal. If you believe you cannot, and you still marry a man who values loyalty then there is only one consequence that comes up to my mind : DIVORCE. There are two grounds for unilateral divorce : abuse and cheating. If your husband finds out, this means probably divorce and all the headaches associated with it. Do you really want to experience that?

 

The other issue is : children. Let's say that your husband finds out you are cheating after you have kids. Divorce will be devastating for every member of the family. Your kids will be affected for life, they won't be able to trust others in the same way. They may become depressive and self-destructive (when parents divorce, kids always have a tendency to believe it is their own fault). Your husband will probably marry again : How will you feel when your kids are also raised by another woman? How will you feel if she already has other kids or wants kids on her own, then yours will take second place? How will you feel when you are incapable to find another husband because you have kids? How will you feel if you have to raise your kids on your own, working like a slave, taking care of the kids for about 18 years of your life? When people divorce, usually they also develop subconscious resentment towards their kids : Why should your kids pay for your sins?

 

I believe that, if you feel that being loyal is too hard for you, then you should consider another solution than marriage or marry a man who shares the same values as you and won't mind if you sleep around. I have a number of girlfriends who sleep around and their husbands do too, without experiencing major difficulties, because they share the same values.

 

You should really think about the future and weigh the consequences of the choices you want to make today. If you cannot be loyal with a loyal man, he will find out sooner or later and he will probably kick you out of the house and file for divorce (one friend of mine just found out his wife cheated on him and he kicked her out; it was his house). If he stays there because of the kids, there will be hatred and resentment all of your lives.

 

Weigh all the pros and cons and you will probably realize that honesty with others and with yourself is the best policy. Once you accept the way you are, then you need to stop hurting others. Then, you will probably find a lifestyle which is more compatible with you desires.

[megs]

thanks for everyones advice, but i don't want you all to think i'm a bad person i just can't help wondering if he is really it or if i'm just settling down for the sake of it. I can't tell him yet because i know he would be really upset and he is not the most emotionally atble guy and i couldn't live with the fact that he hurt himself because of me. And just to clarify things fooloing around doesn't mean sleeping with and the person i'm talking to right now nothing really happens when we meet, we talk and have a really fun time but both don't want to push any farther until i am sure what i want

thanks,

megs

[JonnyG]

thanks for everyones advice, but i don't want you all to think i'm a bad person i just can't help wondering if he is really it or if i'm just settling down for the sake of it. I can't tell him yet because i know he would be really upset and he is not the most emotionally atble guy and i couldn't live with the fact that he hurt himself because of me. And just to clarify things fooloing around doesn't mean sleeping with and the person i'm talking to right now nothing really happens when we meet, we talk and have a really fun time but both don't want to push any farther until i am sure what i want

thanks,

megs

 

Maybe instead of excepting the engaging ring, u should of thought about having a break for a while so u could think about what u want. U said he is the "best guy", yet u can do this to him . Can I ask how u would feel if it was the other way round? Would u still accept him?