Why does a Dumper (a guy) go right to another girl

[Greenlee]

Can anyone answer my on-going question..... Why does a dumper jump right to a "good time suzy?" By the way ( this way last year) he was still calling me after he moved out until I found out he was messing around with this bartender. I've read quite a bit about the psychology behind the "why" most people jump into a "rebound" however I wonder why the "Dumper" goes staright to someone else...Especially guys?? I loved my ex bf so much and we had a fairly good relationship. My situation was such that this bartender had left her husband and latched onto my live-in guy of 31/2 years soon after starting at his favorite watering hole. Yes, we had our problems.... (i.e.... he always had to go for drinks M-F after work .... It was a ritual way before I entered his life and why his ex-wife divorced him). So this routine was before this chick started at the bar. By the way they've already quit seeing each other and she's fired from the bar for being drunk behind the bar!

This all happened January 2003 then I found out it was her in April 2003. I totally "dropped off the radar" and all communication with him, then all of a sudden started seeing his number appearing on my Caller I.D. - with no messages! I ended up calling him and he said he "just wondered how I was doing... And he didn't trust her." Something he had been telling his friends from the get go!

He had been telling friends that he didn't trust her way in the beginning and that is was just "a fling!" Fastforward to this year and that chick shows up in my neighborhood bars ( not even close to hers ) here in the city of Chicago. Both times ( since Nov. 2003) she's with a different guy! I then find out through a bar regular that she got a DUI, got fired and that they ( my ex bf & her) were always fighting and she was always flirting with all sorts of the men there!

Here's a goof up I pulled: I had had a "few beers" and ended up calling my ex bf recently.. .. He said he moved back out to the burbs to be near his kids and asked me if I was seeing anyone. He also asked me to come out. I said no! My long-winded question is.... What the hell was that chick to him? What was I? What am I? He was pretty crappy to me when he left. Why do I still have feelings for him? He practically flaunted her and humiliated me back then! (She was always wearing midriffs and showing off her cleavage and tummy...ShHe has since gained about 25 lbs.. I've lost!!) Any advice out there? Guys? Do any guys out there believe that he cared about me or still does? And what about her? He's pretty level- headed & intelligent so the whole "good time girl" really shocked a lot of us!

[CestLaVie]

hey girl

in my experience, guys will always notice other girls even if they are in a happy relationship, and sometimes they won't think about the consequences when one of these girls comes on to them. Sometimes after a break-up, especially a bad one, a guy will get with whatever convienent chick to get his mind off of it. But those flings hardly ever last.... so typically these guys end up missing the security and reliability they had with the previous girlfriend.... IE your ex is calling you after you've cut off all contact. I bet you anything that bartender chick was only a physical attraction. Those feelings are short-lived; mature guys want a woman that's more than skin-deep. However, even mature guys sometimes aren't great at handling feelings (trust me, i know) and they treat a woman badly at the end but regret it later. He probably still cares about you since he is calling you, but there is the possibility that he's just bored.... but a level-headed, intelligent guy, would not likely do that. Anyways, I'd say that unless you really love this guy, give up on it; you could do better. If you do love him enough to pursue another shot at the relationship, then wait for him to call you and then arrange to meet and talk face-to-face.... but don't mention anything like you two getting back together (let him bring that up), and definitely don't cry in front of him, and another good thing to do would be to act like you are fine whether or not you two hook up again.... guys like independent girls who have their own interests. Good luck!

[CestLaVie]

ps you didn't mention whether or not you lived close by each other now... thats another big factor. mostly just ask yourself; are u honestly happier with this guy?

[Greenlee]

Thanks for the input!!

 

I could never trust him again but it still hurts. At the time that he was calling me, I heard that chick was flirting around and having her "fun." As I said earlier, he dumped her many months ago and has since told me it was a "fling." My brother said, "Yeah it was a fling after she cheated on him."

 

Thanks for the perspective. I guess I was his security blanket with no committment in sight. As for her, she came into a bar in my neigborhood with one of my ex's "friends." Evidentley she was onto the next "victim." I heard my ex and her were always breaking up and fighting all the time... Doesn't sound like people in their thirties does it lol?

 

**PS** No, we don't live near each other but we know a lot of othe same people because I used to work in the same industry. ( A lot of guys that know him and know me have "reported" back to me! I worked in the industry way before meeting him but have since changed careers). I ran into one guy St Pats night and he really spilled some dirt !( which was confirmed) I've been a "good girl" and stayed away from the old job turf.

Thanks again. You concur with my friends!

[Greenlee]

The time I made the goofball move of dialing him after a few beers (dumb, I know)...... He chatted with me for quite awhile and then said, "Why don't you come out?" He then asked me if I was seeing anyone. I told him yes and also declined his invitation. Was that just to "test" me as to what I would do or "where I was at" in my head?

 

I didn't mention how we broke up; I came home one day about two months after my dad died and all of me ex bf's stuff was gone with the key sitting on the counter. I had had "difficulty" reaching him on the cell phone that prior month and that happened to be the first month that chick had started bartending at "his" bar. He had tried to get me to kick him out by acting out and pushing me toward fights that month as well. I guess why I finally called him recently (after a few Amstels lol) was that I've had no closure for over a year and knew they they had not been seeing each other for many, many months! I believe that talking to everyone in chat here and hearing from firsthand experience is much more useful than paying for $$ therapy lol!

 

Again, I just wonder why he grabbed her up right away after moving out from me for 3 1/2 years but still was contacting me. Yes, that was last year but I am still hurting. All of my friends said it wouldn't last and of course it didn't. Each time we've recently spoken, he's stayed on the phone and always answered until the recent last couple of nights. I don't know why I can't get him out of my head all of a sudden. I have been so good for a year! I had been hurt & shocked with a guarded heart but I had blanked him out of my head and now suddenly I'm thinking of him again. Does anyone think he cared/cares about me?

[roo1oo]

I'll give you my story about a similar situation. I was with this guy for 2 years, and right after the holidays he dumped me somewhat out of the blue. Well, it seemed like out of the blue to me, but there really were all kinds of warning signs like him wanting less sex and not wanting to go on vacations with me, etc. So he dumped me, and turns out he was dumping me for his best friend (I though at the time I was his best friend)! So, I started with the healing process, cut off all communication, and he would constantly send me e-mails, asking how I was doing, saying he feels bad for what he did. I didn't respond for 6 months until I found out that he moved to Florida with his rebound. I by that time had recovered and found a new boyfriend, so wasn't interested in him anylonger except to know that he was doing well and was happy. I emailed him, and it turned out he'd been in Florida for a few months with her and they had already broken up, and he was devistated! So he said he was sorry for everything he'd done to me. Since she dumped him, he now got to understand how I felt when he dumped me. A few weeks later he asked me if I wanted to come visit him in Florida. Of course I said no, and mentioned that my boyfriend wouldn't like that much, and now we just talk every now and then via email.

 

Anyway, this guy was quite a level headed, intelligent guy too. So it somewhat sounds like a similar situation. I was his first love, and though I know you wern't his first love, you were in love for awhile. So take heart in knowing he loved you for a time, and probably in some way will always love you. She was a temptation. Men are very much programed to spread their genes as far and wide as they can, so it takes alot of self control for one man to stick with one woman for a long time. I don't know why you still have feelings for him, but I still, in some way, have feelings for my ex. Every time I see him sign online I get little butterflies (I doubt that their good butterflies though). Maybe it's just something you get over with time. And he flaunted her because he wanted to make you jealous.

 

My advice? Don't get back with him. You don't trust him anymore. He'll just end up leaving you for someone else. So go out and find someone else. Good luck