I keep thinking that she will call

[Nappyloxs]

No I don't think she loves me. In fact, I know she is incapable of loving me. Yes, I am in love with her, but the girl I am in love with stop existing years ago. I do realize that. Also, only one email a month ago since we broke up. I have not attempted any further contact with her. Strictly NC and staying that way fore the foreseeable future.

 

Obsessing is a pretty strong word. There is no obsessing. There is no crying. There is no constant love letters, emails, texts, phone calls. Just random thoughts of her. However, more than half those thoughts are also about all the craps she put me through. Do I miss her, yes and no. I know what I miss is all in my head, but the same goes with most of us here. We sometimes forget what the relationship was really like and imagine the good days.

[Ms Darcy]

I have followed your story, and made a few comments, but this pretty much captures it. It doesn't matter if she calls or not. She's not for you and has proven that over and over. How much more pain are you wanting to take?

[Ms Darcy]

My biggest fear is this. If she does call, that I will be there!! I know all the crap she put me through was wrong and I should have left along time ago. I guess this is why I started this thread. I really know I should ever be there for her again if it ever happens in the future (most likely not), but I know I may allow myself to be.

 

Only you are in control of you. Don't let her contact you and try to be friends.

[Nappyloxs]

Only you are in control of you. Don't let her contact you and try to be friends.

 

Thanks

 

I think that is why I run the conversations through my head. They aren't conversation of how much I miss her or love her. It reminds me if she ever calls one day, to be prepared to know what to say.

[Mustachio]

Hey nappy, dont worry, we werent trying to be tough on you. Well, maybe some tough love. I think we all need it from time to time. I also think its normal for us to hold on to that one sliver of good that we have left in our heads. Hell, I still have that and my relationship was terrible, yet shaking that last bit of hope is difficult and just takes time. And when I say hope, I know we arent hoping to return necessarily to that relationship, but for a return to normalcy, a return to what we knew and what we accepted as our lives for such a long period of time.

[Nappyloxs]

Thanks Mustachio

 

I don't mind the tough love. In actuality it is best the best advice, because it sometimes is the only advice that gets through.

 

I maybe should have been clearer in my original posts. Since some have followed my story since last year, this b/u has been 1000x different. no letters, I haven't even cried once, just everything about this time has been different.

 

When I think of her, I either think of how I love her. Yet when I ask my self why do I love her I really can't answer it. The normalcy you discussed maybe? The other thoughts are of all the bs she put me through and her narcissism.

 

So when I run these phone conversations through my head, they aren't about how I love her and miss her. They are about why on earth would I take her back.

 

I think that is a major step forward. This all started when my therapist asked me what would I do if she ever called. She asked me this question over a month ago. My answer then was that I really didn't know, but I wouls probably listen to what ex. had to say. The truth probably was I would have taken ex. back in a second back then because I didn't really know anything about narcissism.

 

To me this was a very powerful question. My therapist didn't tell me what to do, but I saw that I would not be fully healed until I know my answer to the question was either I wouldn't answer or wouldn't care whether or not she called (as some people suggest).

 

I think my (and may be wrong) that I am moving towards that. It has only been two months. It really hasn't been that long. Actually it seems to have flown by. (Good thing?)

 

Between the VoNPD, Codependency, and 3 yrs together, I don't expect me to heal over night and just forget about her. I accept that I will always love her and that it will take me some time to really make her just a memory. (We never forget them). Unlike last year, I am being very proactive in my recovery from AD, therapy, reading, working out, dating, trip to Vegas, etc... Last year, I was a mess. I thought no one would ever love me again. Because of constant criticism, I thought I wasn't $h!t as a person, man, and boyfriend. This year, I realize that I am a great person, man, and boyfriend. (There was a quote I once read on here and wish I could find it again). But basically, I know now I am capable of loving someone with all my heart (even if I do stupid things sometimes), I can forgive and really put up with a lot (although I don't want to do it again) and that I deserve someone who will love me the same way.

 

Nothing about this girl was right for me. Nothing. Her one thing was that she cooked and cleaned. However, I didn't love her for that and she did it not for me, but her OCD.

 

The best part of it is that I know now that I went through hell in this relationship, still loved her, still gave her everything I could until I couldn't anymore, so I know that when I find the right one, it will be spectacular.