A year and a half of pain and I still want her back

[MrMikeWikowski]

Hi,

 

My story is a long one, and much time has past, but I cannot seem to move on.

 

Here is the short version of my story.

 

Last year my and my girlfriend of nearly five years were living apart. She was 25 and I was 29. I was working on one side of the country and she was finishing up her masters on the other. We had our issues as a couple of course, but I thought that things were going well. The long distance relationship thing was difficult, but we talked nearly everyday on the phone, and emailed often. I had seen her for four weeks over Christmas. She was planning on moving to where I was living in May - I was really excited. In mid March of last year I received a phone called that made my heart ache. She told me that she was seeing someone else. I didn't see it coming. I was devastated. I couldn't eat, and only sleep a few hours a night. It was terrible. She didn't seem that remorseful, but when I asked her if she still loved me she said yes. I said OK, then I will work on this with you. I only ask that you stop seeing this guy, and come here as soon as you can. She agreed. It was a really hard thing to swallow, but I really loved her. Several days later she tells me she slept with this guy again. I told her it was over. I was so angry. Several days later, I regretted saying this, as I was missing her terribly. She told me she needed space, and time to figure things out. We agreed to meet halfway, and break up for good. I had this hope that somehow when she saw me we would get back together. It was a long painful three days of breaking up. I said goodbye, with sadness in my heart. I went back to were I was working, and she went back to finish school. Three weeks later she phones me up and asks if she can come and work on our relationship. As I still loved her, I agreed. She sounded sincere. After a month she finished her studies and arrived. Things were great the first 10 hours, and then turned terrible. She became distant and withdrawn, and when I asked her what was going on, she said she didn't know if she was still in love with me. She said she loved me, but she didn't know. It was horrible. She was with me, but she wasn't. I nearly sent her home, but slowly things improved, and after a month things were better. She told me how much she loved me, and how she never was going to let me go, and how sorry she was. I still was struggling, and hurting. But things were moving along. After 2 months together, she left to go work overseas on her thesis. I wanted to follow, but had to finish my job before I could leave. I promised her I would come as soon as I could. I bought a ticket, and things were good. But I make a huge mistake. My self-esteem was really low, and I just couldn't understand what has happened. I started hanging out with a woman at work. We had fun, but nothing happened at first. This woman asked me if she wanted to become physically involved with me. I didn't know what to do. I was interested. It felt good to be desired, but I couldn't cheat on my girlfriend - so I told her what was going on. She told me to "go for it". I was surprised and confused. I make a mistake and went for it. It was a terrible choice. It was awkward and painful. I felt terrible, and still regret doing it. I know it put a huge strain on everything, but I think part of me was trying to test my girlfriend - I don't know. I messed up. But I apologized, and tried to work on my own task of forgiving my girlfriend. I was hurt, but I was still very in love with her. I missed her terribly.

 

After three months I arrived overseas to finally reunited with my girlfriend. I was so happy and excited. I wanted to be a real couple again so badly. Again the first 10 hours were great, and then it was terrible. She told me that when she saw me at the airport it was just like seeing an old friend. She told me I didn't have a sense of humour, and plenty of other really hurtful things. I was devastated again. I tried to stay and work at it. I had quit my job and traveled around the world to be with her, and she didn't want me again. I left after two weeks of agony. It was wonderful to be physically close with her, when we weren't talking about our relationship it was great, but the rest was hell.

 

I traveled for several months afterwards, as I didn't have anything else to go back to, and I had a lot of healing to do. She continued to write me emails everyday. I fought not to respond. It was hard, and I failed every so often, but I tried to give myself space. I knew I still loved her after all this, but I needed my space. I was slowly getting better. I went home for Christmas, and that is when she emailed me again and told me she wanted to try again. I was surprised, and doubtful. But she told me several times how much she still loved me, and how much she missed me. I told her I would think about it. I did think about it for the next two months, and after lots of agonizing, I came to the realization that yes, I did still love her, and yes I still wanted a life with her. I wasn't ready to take her right back, but I hoped we could start out friends again, and try to move from there. In March she arrived back to Vancouver from overseas, two days before I did. We met up the day after I got back. The first 4 hours were great (sound familiar?) But when I asked about us she told me that she didn't want to touch a relationship with me with a ten foot pole. I asked about all the emails she had written over Christmas, and she told me she was depressed. I was angry and hurt. I couldn't understand what was going on. After a week, she emails me and tells me she met someone, and that is why she can't "try again". I was in a bad way. To finally come to the conclusion that I was willing to give it one more try, and then to be totally rejected again. Since then I have not spoken or emailed with her. The first weeks were really hard, I was seeing a therapist, and struggling every day. However, now three months later I am doing better.

 

Here is the problem. I still really love and miss her. I know that I shouldn't. I know that she has treated me horribly. But, I can't stop my heart from feeling that way it does. I don't know what to do, I feel like my life is hollow and empty. It is obvious that I don't need her in my life, as I have only been with her two week in the last year - but I miss her company, her spirit. I know that what we had was true love. She has never told me she didn't love me. I think about her every day, and dream about her often

 

I know it is stupid, but I want her back. . I would do anything to do that but I don't think there is anything I can do.

 

I there hope for me?

 

Mike

[funshine]

I think that couples in relationship breakups deserve a chance to make things right but only once or twice. My ex and i had broken up alot of times and now it's completely over, thank god. It was like bashing my head against the same old brick wall. Although i miss him alot, i don't miss being uncertain about our future and now i can focus on myself.

 

I think its great that you are seeing a therapist and I wish you the best for the furure. It does get better and you can't say that you didn't try.

Focus on yourself and what makes you feel good in life and think about the positives, there is hope for you.

Happy people find happy relationships.

[zpivat]

Hello Sir,

 

I think you are very sincere and patient while coping up with all those situations you have gone through. You are very lucky to be in a position such that your girlfriend (or ex, rather) seems to still have feelings for you.

Well, I am much younger than you and am in no position to give you advice whatsoever, but if I were you, I would hang in there, be patient, and take things as they come. It seems like your girlfriend has some personal issues with herself, which, I think has nothing to do with you.

 

I think this relationship is worth saving, but it takes love (which you already have), commitment, and patience. You are on the right track, and I believe your sincerity and love will win her back. Remember, however, not to let yourself be someone else's doormat. I cannot tell you specifically what to do, but if you ask your innerself, I am sure you will know what to do, and of course, what not to do.

 

Good luck, and don't give up on it!

[MrMikeWikowski]

Thanks to everyone who has read and responed to my posting. I do really appreciate the thoughts.

 

I few more thoughts on my own...

 

It was less than 2 months from her telling me that she loved me so much, till, "I'm with a new guy". Does this seem like a rebound? Her replacing her confused love with me, with something(someone) else. I have so much trouble understanding the very rapid shift. Can someone really move on that fast? I feel she still loves me, but there is nothing that tells me that she does any longer. Will her new relationship last? Seems like from what I have been reading it won't

 

Second. It has been over three months now of no contact. Part of me feels like I should wait till she contacts me again, if that ever happens. Yet at the same time I want to let her know that I still care. Is this a good idea? Should I just wait? I don't want to be a doormat, but I still love her.

 

Thanks

 

Mike

[zpivat]

Yes, I do think that your girlfriend is in a rebound state. I suppose that she is missing something from you, and she is now very vulnerable, especially after the breakup, and all the sad happenings, etc. She then met that new guy, who apparently is satisfying something that she's lacking from you, and hence the ceasing "I love you." Can someone move on that rapidly? Well it depends: for youngsters (especially those under 20 years of age) who just "date for fun" I think it's easy for them to move from one person to another. But, you two are grownups, who were together for nearly 5 years, so I don't think she has moved on, nor do I think that she's in love with or "loves" the guy.

 

I cannot tell whether or not her "relationship" with this individual will last, but from what I've heard, 99% of rebound relationship never lasts.

 

You said you've been doing the NC rule for over 3 months now. Well, if I were you, I wouldn't wait any longer till I contact her. In order for love/her feelings to grow, it has to be nurtured. How? Simply by communication. It doesn't necessarily have to be heavy, rather, she has to know or be aware of your presense. Just say hello and talk about light subjects once in a while, and be a listener. Try not to argue or confront her or anything, but just listen to her. It is very O.K that you care about her; show it, but don't say it. She has to find it by herself.

 

I know you don't want to be a doormat, nor you should be. What you should be is: bold. Now that she is with another person, it is slightly hard to "deal" with her, since she has someone else to hang on to. You can simply talk or ask her a simple question such as "how's our future?" depending on her answer, I am sure your intuition will let you know whether you should let her be, or that you should wait. If she says she is unsure, then she is unsure, and simply be patient. If she says she is content with him, however, she would feel annoyed if you pester or pursue her, so instead just be the normal Mr. Wikowski she fell in love with. Show that you care, but at the same time let her know, directly or indirectly, that you don't want to be just a "backup".

 

Anyways I guess that's all for now. When it comes to love, it's really hard to tell someone what to do, since there's no step by step means by which we can acquire back our exes. I think we have to "play it by ear".

 

I hope that helps. As I said before, I might be biased; afterall I'm only a 20 year old with less experience and in addition to that I myself am currently having problems too with love.

 

Have a nice day and good luck!

[DrNick]

I may be heckled for saying this, but when women enter their early to mid 20's, they struggle with making a choice between commiting themselves to one man, or with "having fun". On the one hand they want the safety that comes with a steady relationship, but on the other hand, they still want to experience life (and, let's be honest, other men) before they settle down.

It sounds like your ex is currently going through that phase. She probably genuinely loves you and wants to be with you, but as soon as she is with you (and thereforeeee "comfortable") she starts thinking about what other opportunities there are out there. This is not a failing with you as a person, it's solely about her needing to be mature enough to either make a commitment or break it off for good.

I think you need to help her along with this process. Tell her that there are no more chances. She either makes a decision to commit, or you walk away and never see each other again. Once you tell her, stick to your guns. If she drops you one more time, then stop seeing her. It will hurt a lot in the short term, but I see no other solution.

If you want to chat about this, feel free to drop me a private message.

[MrMikeWikowski]

I really agree with what you have to say. And the honest truth is that in my twenties, (and even now) I have fought with the same battle. Really truly being in love with someone else, but wondering what else there is out there. I think it is a constant battle. - so in a way I respect the doubt in her mind. I have even told her this. However, I think that this this past year she has struggled with how she feels, and make some bad decisions that even further complicate how she feels.

 

I know that she has this fantasy about us getting back together at some later time. One of the last things she said to me on the phone was "it's over - I'm sorry, but it is the only responsible thing to do -maybe in a few years..." A really bizarre thing to say to someone who you are telling it is over. I know that she still loves me, she has never told me she doesn't. I also know that she wanted it over so she could get on with her life. - and to try and stop hurting me.

 

So, the issue is I can't really pressure her with anything. She has decided it is truly over now. She hasn't contacted me in 3 plus months. I can't just say this is your last chance. I know that she will just walk away from that.- and in her shoes I probably would too. She has decided that leaving me is her best choice. I don't even know if she misses me or not (but I imagine she does) I don't know what is in her head.

 

Also, I don't want to make thing messy again. Realistically, I think I need more time myself. My issue is firstly should I resume contact? And should I even bother have the fantasy of one day being with her again.

 

Thanks again.

[DrNick]

I think it's too early for you to contact her, especially given the long and protracted history you have with each other. I think you need to assume that you will never get back together with her (as difficult as that is emotionally), and move on with your life. Perhaps if your paths intersect in a few years, then maybe there will be a chance for reconciliation. However, contacting her now will only serve to reignite the cycle of destructive behaviour. I'm sorry if that's not the advice you want to hear, but take it from me, you need to heal away from her before you ever have a hope of being with her again. Good luck

[hunterboyhun]

mike and dr nick,

 

hey

firstly, mike, damn man my heart goes out to you. i honestly don't know how you manage. you poor guy.

oh man. i wish there was something i could say to solve your problem, like waving a magic wand, but there isn't.

 

the good news, what there is of it, is that your mind is already beginning to fix itself up. over time we forget the bad things and hold onto the good. it's weird but that's the way it seems to go - maybe it's got something to do with humans being pleasure seeking at heart. anyway the thing is your mind will gradually fade down the thoughts of the loss of her then later, slowly, your heart will feel that loss a bit less and a bit less until all you think of and feel when you remember her is the worthwhileness of all that time you spent with her.

you will recall every fun moment you shared and be proud that you found that particular person on this earth and she chose to make those joyful moments with you. take comfort in that pride. we don't get to stay with anybody in life, of course you know that, eventually everybody goes. at least YOU got those precious days from her... not anyone else.... those moments you both shared are just yours and hers. be happy for that if for nothing else. you made that, you lived that. that's no small thing. no-one else will ever love her like you loved her - and when she's old and gray and much more calm i know and you know that she will spend some time thinking about that young man she met when she was young and all the good that he brought into her life, that's you, and she will smile.

 

be very proud of that mike.

 

so if you grieve right now, if you feel you're losing it, if you're suffering, then grieve, lose it, suffer... but your mind is already helping to fix itself. it will do that of it's own accord, and your heart will follow soon after.

 

very best of luck buddy

 

 

 

 

 

 

dr nick

one small point.... you are so damn right! what the hell is it with these 20 somethings?!?!? i tell you i never saw that coming with my 20 something gf. i'm tempted to start a thread about it. guys out there need to be forwarned. if you have any more personal insight on the 20 something flip out please share with me. any stories or ideas are very much welcome.

 

 

 

take care guys.

[auburnslp]

First of all-zpivat-you may only be 20 but you give some really good advice-you have an outlook beyond your years...

 

Now, Mike...it has only been three months. Same for me, exactly. And yes I dream of her almost every night, and think of her constantly. But the difference for me and for you as well I will assume is that we are no longer brought to our knees over those thoughts and dreams.

 

Here is the key to focus on-think of how different it all is then it was three months ago, when we started. Focus on how much easier it is. Yes, we are both sad. No question. Yes, we still have more healing to do. But it is already better, and that will continue, until we are healed and strong again and the thoughts of our lives seem far better than empty and hollow, when we meet someone and date someone and are ready to start a new chapter of our lives...

 

Yes, there is still bad...but clearly, time provides the hope. We will be ok...it will just take a little more time. Don't give up-focus on the positives, begin to let go of the hope and sadness...

 

If it is meant to be it will be. The next time you find yourself wrapped up in thoughts of "I miss her", force yourself to think instead, "that chapter of my life is over...there are many more to come". If it works out it will, but we cannot sit back and waste the rest of our lives hoping for the unknown. We have to live. Mike, despite everything, despite the pain and sadness, life goes on.

 

Good luck Mike, and stay strong. It will and does get better, damn slower than I would like, but it does...Michael

[hurtin]

Hey Mike,

 

Your situation sounds very similiar to mine. Out of nowhere (and I mean nowhere) my GF ended it with me. How is it someone can just change their feelings so fast? I mean, I can underfstand if the relationship was young, but in both our cases, the relationship was loving and seemingly healthy.

 

Anyways, hang in there my friend. Breakups are an excellent way in showing the true side of someone. Personally, my ex is no longer the person I used to know. It hurts, but I'm starting to wonder if I want that kind of variability in my life.

 

Feel free to pm me anytime.

[hunterboyhun]

hurtin,

 

hey

your post here really struck a chord with me. A few weeks ago i came to a realisation that the girl who was walking around post-breakup was nothing like the girl i asked out and was in a close loving relationship for 2 years. really, even talking to her on the phone was like talking to someone else who happened to be walking around in my gf's skin borrowing my girlfriends voice. she even sounded like she had lost all the personality she used to have. anyway so i rationalised it to myself that she, in effect, wasn't the girl i used to know. that made it easier to not worry about this "new" girl's feelings and thoughts and life.

 

of course the calm that i felt upon first hitting upon that realisation/rationalisation has since faded a lot and there are times when it does nothing for me - i am still a mess - but what you said about seeing a different person in someone you thought you knew so well made me want to post back.

 

also, i hear you on the whole 'don't know if i want that kind of variability' in my life thing. i'm really conflicted about this... there are times when i love her, forgive her all the hurt i'm in as if it was nothing, miss her and want her to be back in my life desperately (her energy was so golden and alive) but there are also times when i resent her very much for being this reckless with my love, feelings, trust and our future together.

 

i'm two hearts, two minds, two possible futures inhabiting one man. it sucks big time. nothing you don't know i'm sure. i feel sometimes that if she were to come back she'd have to say some amazing stuff, really sincere heartfelt things, to make me believe that all is still well... and every time i think that i wonder and wonder what she could say... because i wouldn't know.

 

care to all

[MrMikeWikowski]

Thanks for everyone's very kind words.

 

I wish I would have found this place a long time ago. It is amazing to me that a group of people who are hurt, broken, and trampled have such postive energy and kindness for others. I think that this speaks very highly of your characters. You really are great people, and that fact that you are hurting now just goes to show how much you really care.

 

You have hearts that care, and hearts that you have truly opened and trusted with someone else. Unfortunately they broke your trust and your heart, but really that only speaks of their nature not yours.

 

We are only all human, mistakes and all, but the thing that makes us special is our abiilty to care about others, not just ourselves.

 

Thanks. I wish everyone the very best on healing and growing. Maybe we can make this place a better one in the end.

 

Mike

[hurtin]

Friends,

 

I'm starting to formulate a theory about what has happened (my scientific side creeps out yet again!), please tell me what you think (other comments are of course welcome).

 

In my humble opinion, breakups are an excellent way to let the true side of a person shine. Take the dumpees for example (us, unfortunately). We are going to be judged by the way we react to the breakup. Imagine if we constantly call, begg & plead, show up unannounced with poetry and and a 60 of Whisky (you get the point). This sort of beahviour not only shows how weak and vulnerable we are, but most importantly shows that we are incapable of handling difficult situations. Suddenly, our dumpers are faced with the decision of going back to someone who clearly is emotionally unstable. On the other hand, if we choose to accept what has happened, let them know how we feel and respect their demands of space & time, we demonstrate confidence and inner strength which is SUCH a good quality to possess.

 

But my fellow dumpees, we are not the only ones who are judged. No my fine people, we get to judge our dumpers as well!! In my situation, I was completely blindsided by my exs' decision to leave me. She told me in the morninig, and by 5pm that night my stuff was packed neatly at the bottom of the stairs. Two days later, I was the one who had to call and schedual some sort of talk to at least get some answers. I see now that if I hadn't of called, she would of never contacted me. This woman (girl as I now call her) loved me for 2 1/2 years and all of a sudden, she doesn't?? Her behaviour has exposed a part of her that I had never seen before!! I know she was probably confused blah, blah, blah...but this is no way to treat people whom you once loved. I can almost guarantee that there will be other confusing times in ours lives. Will she react the same way as she did here? WIll she keep it to herself and let me know when SHEs sorted it out in HER head? The point is, is that I'm starting to wonder if this is someone with whom I'd like to share my life with. As hunterboyhun pointed out in my last post, i really don't need this kind of variability in my life. I've had my fun, and now I'm prepared to surrender myself to love and commitment.

 

I hope I don't come off as being made of stone. Its been a month since my breakup and I still have days where I cry myself to sleep. But I've noticed that with every passing day I spend more and more time thinking about how much I've learned about my ex through this experience. From this, I'm starting to wonder if she truly has the one thing I'm looking for in a relationship-respect.

 

Now go out and judge my friends (just make sure you don't call 'em)

[Mike_Wazowski]

Yo Mike..Thanks for your Mail! I checked out your story.

 

My only question to you is this: What ever happened to the 'Hottie from work' that you gf said to 'Go for it' with!

 

Forget about your gf bro.....happiness for you lies in the arms of the Hottie! Lest I repeat your gf's excellent advice.....GO FOR IT!

[MrMikeWikowski]

I was just reading over this thread again, and I was amazed at the caring and compassion that the people who posted on here have. Thanks so much.

 

I also noticed that there was not a single woman who posted about my story. Why do you think that is?

 

 

A quick up date:

 

Last month this happened:

 

link removed

 

A few days ago I broke NC. Not sure why, just felt right. I send her a two work email the only said hi. She replied back with a full, although small email telling me what she has been up to, and asking me how I am doing. I have yet to reply. I know that I have come a long way with my healing when I don't feel that need to reply quickly, or even at all for that matter.

 

I have no idea how to proceed at this time. I think I might write her back at some point. - but I don't know. My dream and meeting her was profound, but although I have learned much from my pain, I just don't want any more for a long while to come.

 

Thanks again. You guys have been amazing.

 

Mike

[trinitystorm]

wow~ you must truly be in love with this woman in order to endure as much as you did and STILL want her back!! I wish my bf would think the same way. Although, come to think of it, the trigger for our breakup was the fact that I didn't want to drive out to his part of the town to spend time with him. haha. Saying it again sounds like a stupid reason to breakup with someone, but of course, it was a culmination of things. Anyways, i digress. You should keep your email contacts as long as you feel comfortable. I read somewhere that it should be max once a week. Of course the rule is not written in stone. However, this will give you time to heal and also give her the space that she needs......

[MrMikeWikowski]

 

 

Wow, Life is crazy.

 

My ex just emailed me and wants to go for coffee. I guess the power balance is finally shifting.......

[trinitystorm]

looks like a good sign.... but remember to play it cool....

 

keep us updated.

[MrMikeWikowski]

Do you want to know what the best part is?

 

I feel so relaxed. I will probably email her in a few days, and set up a meeting in a week. In the past I would have emailed her right back, and said yes. Now, it's easy to wait.

 

All the NC, and all the healing sure has helped. Those who are just starting NC - Do it! It will help. Trust me. Take the time. In the end you will be better off. Trust me! I may never get back with my ex, but I needed to heal before anything could happen.

 

I do love her, but I am never going to be a doormat again. 8)

[MrMikeWikowski]

At the risk of creating a thread with only my posts in it

 

I need some help.

 

As you can read above, my ex wants to have coffee with me. She says she just wants to hear my stories and how I am doing. I imagine that there might be a bit more to it.

 

Anyway, I have been strong and have not emailed her back yet. My initial thought was to suggest a meeting in about a week.

 

Now, I'm wondering if it is such a good idea. I do want to see her, and I am pretty strong now, and don't think I would say the wrong things. However, I do want her back someday. I don't know if not seeing her will make her think that I am really gone, or if it might be better for her to see what she is missing out on

 

I just can't figure out which choice has a better chance at bringing her back to me.

 

Any thoughts?

 

Thanks

 

Mike

[iceesnowbubble]

how long has it been since the breakup..sorry.. i don't wanna go back and reread...but without knowing the answer i say go for it.. a lot of time the reason people can rekindle is because they see each other and start to have feelings again, aslong as you know you can make the meeting pleasant..then go for it.. you don't know what could happen if you miss out..just don't regret your decision, go at it full force. =) goodluck, you deserve it.

[idontgetit]

HI mike,

 

let me just add it's not only women who go through that mid 20s issue (26 to be exact). my bf of 9 years left me 2 months ago because "he wanted to be alone and see other people." this was 2 weeks after i told him i was ready to move to be with him!! so i feel for you.

 

i think you should go for coffee, but only if you are emotionally strong enough and know what it is that you want.