Do friends affect the relationships and personality

[Nappyloxs]

I have somewhat asked about this earlier.

 

During the first year of the relationship, I had to tell my ex. to go out with her sisters on the weekends. Basically for the first year, it was just me and her. (I do miss those days).

 

Then we moved to a new state where we really didn't know many people. She became friends with our neighbor, let's call her Witch.

 

Witch is 45, single and been through an abusive and alcoholic marriage. (We were in our late 20's). Witch is super picky about men, is one of those people who only talks about herself, loves interfering with other peoples relationships, and just generally likes to control other people. She acts like she is everyone's mom and that she knows everything best for them. (Lots of stories I could insert about this lady).

 

So when ex. and I went through some troubles she turned to Witch. Witch kept telling ex. to leave me and that she deserves better.

 

To make a long story short, ex stopped being friends with Witch.

 

Then we had our first major breakup, I kicked ex. out and of all places, she went to Witch. She stayed there for 4 months. Until.... The first time ex. and I say each other during those 4 months. Ex. spent the night at my house. When she went to Witch house to change for work, Witch blew up on her and kicked her out of her house. Now the thing that always got me about this was that she stayed at Witch's house that night. When I kicked her out, I really did not mean it and I always think if she would have stayed that night I kicked her out, we would have ironed things out the next day or even later that night. But no, she left my house, but stayed at witch's.

 

She is no longer friends with Witch, but I could tell the influence.

 

Her sisters, all younger. All high maintenance, all are about money and guys paying everything for them. Two of them have been diagnosed with personality disorder and OCD. I got along with them, but just thought they lived very unhealthy lives. Drugs, one-night stands, binge drinking, etc... But they were her sisters.

 

Her new best friend. 40 years and married. But she cheats on her husband all the time. She volunteer at ex. job. Ex. works for the police dept. This lady just volunteer because she has a thing for police and just sleeps with them.

 

She also had a roommate our last month together. Roommate was actually cool. First night I meet her, I ended up spending a few hundred dollars between lunch with ex., drinks, and dinner for ex. and new roomie. Well, I did not expect to spend that much that day and was drunk so I argued with ex. about how she was all about money. Roomie actually told her that ex. should probably take me out to dinner. (ex. told me roomie suggested it to her the next day). Well, that dinner never happened. Roomie also had a BF in another state, but was cheating on him. Needless to say when he came to visit, I was expected to hang out with him and I did. They broke up around the same time as ex. and I.

 

All her other friends are single. I really don't know much more because I was really never introduced to her friends.

 

Her parents when we were together really wanted us to get married. When I was financially struggling, they told her that she should help more financially. Yet, for some reason she thought I was using her. (Friends?). Her parents were really the only voice of reason about what a relationship is about. (Parents and grandparents were together for decades). Well for some reason she never listened to her parents about their relationship advice. Yet she wanted me to be like her father and when we got back together in December to July, she refused to tell anyone in her family we were back together.

 

All my friends during the relationship were in relationships; either married or with girls for years. I had no single friends during the first 2 years of the relationship. Not until we had the breakup last year and I started going out solo and meeting people. At first, my friends never said anything bad about my ex. or about the relationship. But the more and more they started to hear me complain about things, they started saying she wasn't right. 2 of my friends started the same business I did, so they were struggle financially those first years. But both of their girlfriends help them with the business and financially. My ex. helped me with neither.

 

So a few months after we moving to the new state, ex. started "wanting her own." Slowly it got progressively worst, from the girl who never wanted to go out without me, to, well, today. Funny thing is I encouraged her to be friends with Witch and to go out for girls nights. I encouraged her to have her own life.

 

Sorry for the long post. I just hate ex. allowed what I believe were negative influences to affect our relationship.

[Nappyloxs]

Two things I left out.

 

1) the 40 yr old was always her date. Dinner and movies, happy hour, shopping, etc... Even her own b-day, she did something with her instead of me.

 

2) Ex. never just appreciated me as just a friend. I was always the enemy. The person who was wrong. But I was always there for her. She just never appreciated anything about me. Somehow I was the guy keeping her trapped in a cage and I see now the stages of her breaking. But nothing could have been further from the truth.

[tattoobunnie]

Birds of a feather do flock together...seriously.

 

You choose them, they choose you.

[Nappyloxs]

Thanks. My ex. was a narcissist and possibly had the much discussed BPD. I have just been wondering whether she had this all along or was it acquired through friends and family. I was reading about relationship with Narcissist going through 3 stages and it was right on. I am just venting right now because I don't have my best friend right now when I really need her in another aspect of my life.

 

Also, I am just trying to figure out how our relationship deteriorated over the years. It was more than just her friends, but still they were an issue.

 

I was reading some of the emails to her from earlier this year and one of the many recurring topics was not appreciating me even as a friend, let alone boyfriend.

 

Some mentioned that my ex. wanted a provider. I definitely see that. I wanted friendship (I believe partners should be best friends). She could never see it that way. It was always what did I do for her lately.

[Hell_On_Heels]

NL, I'm sorry...but don't ever ever kick someone out again unless you mean it. Even then, you should allow them time to move to a place they choose rather than anywhere out of desperation. There was no way for your ex to know you didn't mean it.

 

People will choose friends that back them up. Meaning if your ex wanted to hear that you are a bad person, she will find people who will support that view. If she wants to have a healthy, stable relationship with you, she will find friends who support that view, too. I'm not judging this - it's human. We all do it.

[Nappyloxs]

NL, I'm sorry...but don't ever ever kick someone out again unless you mean it. Even then, you should allow them time to move to a place they choose rather than anywhere out of desperation. There was no way for your ex to know you didn't mean it.

 

People will choose friends that back them up. Meaning if your ex wanted to hear that you are a bad person, she will find people who will support that view. If she wants to have a healthy, stable relationship with you, she will find friends who support that view, too. I'm not judging this - it's human. We all do it.

 

Thanks, I don't plan to kick anyone out ever again. The argument was just so super ugly. Basically, to make a long story as short as possible.

 

I started my own business about 2 yrs ago. Last August I was dead broke, because clients weren't paying me. I was behind on the cable $40. But I didn't ask her for it, because she treated our living arrangement as roommates. 50%-50% nothing more. So the day my clients paid me, the cable got turned off. She was blowing up my phone about how there was no tv in the house; what was she to do?? Well, I get home and she is on speaker phone with her sister talking about how she should leave me. I walk away. We start arguing because it is turned off. She starts calling me a failure, saying I need to move back home, etc.... Then she walks out and calls her parents and my mom and talks to them for an hour. I asked her could we talk about it. She ignores me. (Mind you, I am thinking she is probably talking sh#t to all her sisters about me.) So now I am getting more mad because she won't even talk to me about the problem, but will talk to everyone else. She comes back in. Back to yelling back to name-calling. So she said she would be moving out on the first and I was move out today. Even told her I would pay for the hotel. (Oh yeah, the cable is turned back on as I paid the bill since I had money). Took her clothes and threw them on the bed. Normally, I am a nice guy and wouldn't do that or even yell, but she had really just gotten underneath my skin that day. Hitting on some very hurtful areas. After the clothes, I walked to the basement and just chilled. I tried to walk away hoping it would diffuse the situation. Then I heard the door close. (She had walked out so many times and I would go chasing after her, I really didn't think this time was different. But I refused to chase this time.)

 

 

I am not saying I was right at all, but it was definitely the WORST argument we ever had. It was one of those arguments were all her frustration during the past months came out and she was out for blood. I though I was just coming home and turning back on the cable. I did not foresee what was going to happen.

 

I guess because I only really have 3 close friends I confide in, things were different. Especially since they are all married or in LTR. Their perspective are a little different. They hate her now. And it sucks because I can't even talk to them about it anymore. They are so sick of hearing it after what has basically been a year, if not really longer.

[Hell_On_Heels]

I was wrong to get on your case about it, especially since she said she was moving out. I'm sorry.

 

I think one of the worst fights we had was about my youngest son. My ex was very jealous of my boy because he looks so much like his dad. He's tall, muscular, handsome, funny, and very smart. My ex was short, not muscular, although he was handsome. They were just totally different guys in appearance (my two husbands, I mean). My ex used to ask me if I thought about my first husband when I looked at my son. No, I don't. But my ex never seemed to believe it.

 

Anyway, my son joined the Army and was in boot camp for cavalry scouts. He called me one day saying he was getting a medical discharge. Apparently they had taken x-rays of his knees when he complained of pain. His right knee cap was in 2 pieces and his left knee cap is cracked. So he was coming home for Christmas - which sure beat going to Afghanistan in January!

 

My ex was mad. Said he'd be miserable the whole time my son would be there. That he believed my son was faking his injury. I was mad about that, and the more my ex talked about it (day after day), the more angry I got. Finally, I demanded to know what he wanted from me. He said he wanted me to admit my son was a complete a**...that shocked me to the core. We were both yelling - one of the few times I lost my temper. I had to leave the house so it wouldn't get any worse. He talked to our therapist about it, and the therapist said you can't fake an injury like that, and the Army isn't stupid. Didn't matter. My ex refused to believe anything good about my son.

 

And I resented him for that, so much. Things got worse after that until 4 months later we were done. It does get very ugly at times, even in the best of relationships. (Mine was not the best relationship by ANY means.)

[Nappyloxs]

That was some bull for him to get mad and jealous of your son. He should have felt that your son was his son. How could he think your son faked it when there were x-rays?? But that a narcissist for you. Maybe it wasn't so much that he did not believe it, but like my ex., would like to start arguments over issues that took your attention off of him. He felt threatened, because your attention was towards your son.

 

My mom always has said that it was a good thing that we did not have children.

 

Like you I rarely lost my cool during arguments, but that was one time I couldn't help it. I was probably still wrong for kicking her out. I even remember her fast when I told her to go, it was a look of shock. I even remember why I threw the clothes. She was getting on me so hard and I felt so hurt, I thought to myself for a second I need to switch the power and hit her low.

 

Ugh. Like I mentioned earlier, we did she leave that night, but when the With kicked her out she stayed there that night!!!

 

I know I really hurt her when I kicked her out. Part of me says good, but my nature still is sorry for it.

[Nappyloxs]

Just want to vent for a second abt my narc ex.

 

I really hated how she acted like the dumb blonde. She wasn't even blonde. Her sisters pulled that crap, but no, I thought she was different. On her birthday, she asked me to open a bottle of wine. It was really no problem, but then she talked about how she doesn't know how to open a bottle of wine!!! And I know I have taught her several times how to!!!

 

She also acted like she had no intelligence. Our conversations were always dull and boring. She couldn't talk politics, current events, etc... Only thing she could talk about was her work.

 

Of course she thinks this is all cute, this is her trap to get guys to do what she wants. "Poor little her" can't do this or that. She used it on her neighbor, an older disabled guy. I really believe she got it from her stripper sister who does the same crap. Subconsciously, she is very jealous of this sister, because she is a stripper, but has a very outgoing personality. Always is the center of attention, gets guys to buy her whatever she wants whenever she wants it. Her sister is also very direct too, unlike my ex. This sister has been diagnosed with ADHD, BPD, OCD..... does coke, and whatever else. But my ex. was envious of everything she has, because my ex. was the one with a decent job, went to college, got a master degree online, but she didn't get the special treatment her sister did.

 

I use to tell her she had love and me and her sister never had that. But nope that wasn't good enough!!!

[Hell_On_Heels]

It's never good enough. That's a major part of their illness. It's horrible.

 

Honestly, I'm impressed that your ex was able to complete things she started. My ex can finish things (like tattoo school), but he takes credit and/or attention for things when he shouldn't. Like, he's not a very good guitar player, although he's been playing for 40 years. If he practiced, he'd probably be really good. But he won't - he wants the glory, but won't do the work required to earn that glory. He thinks it should just be his, automatically.

 

It's good to keep venting and writing these things out. The more you keep at it, the more you will see how her illness has affected you, and you'll see why you can't have a relationship with her. They're just too hurtful to be with, quite frankly.

[Nappyloxs]

I thought about discussing her education, but didn't want to seem like an arse.

 

She went to a very good college. She ended up getting a 2.0 after 4 years. A 2.0!!!! .1 lower and she would not have graduated and maybe got kicked out. College is not that hard where you get a 2.0. I was by no means a straight A student and in fact I got a 1.6 my first semester of college, but after that you learn how it works. I was a slacker, but a 2.0 is ridiculous.

 

Mind you I also have a graduate degree. So our first year dating, she was taking class online for a master's. I use to help her with it and always saw her do her work. It was a joke. She rarely read any of the assignments and usually just had to write a paragraph or two each day about the assigned topic. She ended up get 3.5 GPA. I went to school every day, actually had to do really assignments.

 

I had to take one of the hardest test in the country and smoked it. Scored higher than all my friends and colleagues.

 

She tried to call me out on my grades once. So I called her out on hers. Of course, I instantly became the bad guy and she told the Witch who then proceeded to try to jump on me too.

 

But she was so special because she had that degree. ( I actually do give her credit for doing it). But don't put me down on mine. To her, because of my title, I am suppose to have a super job making 6 figures. Never mind the recession, never mind that she knew my friends who were in the same boat as me; came out of school and HAD to start their own business. To her our relationship was a sprint; narcissist behavior.

 

THANKS HH. Think I got it out of me!!

[Hell_On_Heels]

Congrats on your grades and your education! You should be very proud of that accomplishment. I'm still working on my Bachelors, but will graduate next August.

 

It's strange how we begin to both defend our accomplishments AND feel guilty for them at the same time. That is crazy-making stuff! I am the kind of person who knows what I can do (and I make no apologies for it), and I know what I cannot do, too. Doesn't mean I won't try new stuff, but hey - I can't sing, and would never quit my day job to be a rock star! Doesn't mean I won't get happily drunk and sing karaoke, though.

 

You're probably similar. You probably decide to do something and then put everything you've got into it, which makes you successful more often than not. This is exactly what the NPD craves. They want to absorb our successes, and yet despise themselves for not being as successful (even if they are!). So clearly in the NPD mind, we have to suffer for our accomplishments.

 

One of the things I hated most about being with him was constantly feeling the need to defend myself. The fact that his attacks were usually groundless only added to the problem. I felt like he knew I was driven when he met me - why hate me for it later? Again, after reading on NPD, I understand a lot more.

[Nappyloxs]

Thanks you. And Congrats on your last year. So you know what I mean about the GPA. I definitely wasn't a Rhodes Scholar.

 

My ex. definitely made me feel guilty. I am an attorney and opened my own firm shortly after graduating. It wasn't necessarily I couldn't find a job, because I actually did have an offer. I just didn't want to practice that type of law. (Debt collection).

 

She use to criticize me all the time about I wasn't making enough money, I wasn't working hard enough, etc.... I should get a job.

 

I would try and explain my 3 year business plan to no avail. I would ask her what she thought I should do, she didn't know. I broke down a hypothetical of my situation, and she was like yes that how it should be. But since it was a hypothetical, it was right. Since it was me, it was wrong.

 

She wouldn't help me at all with my business, or financial support. She was making decent money. Her mother was actually paying all the bills as her dad was laid off. But she wouldn't give more than 50% (actually it was more like 40% because I was paying some extras utilities without asking her for the money). Now I am not talking about her paying all the bills, but just help out a little more. Nope. Even her father would call her out on it saying she needs to be more supportive both emotionally and financially.

 

She thought that when I would start making money that I would leave her!!!!!!! I swear she never really knew me or understood who I am. Shoot, she never even really loved me for me.

 

I know what you mean about the defending yourself. I was constantly doing that. My 2nd to last argument with my ex. was about Oreos !!!!!!!! Talk about pointless arguments. I simply asked if she ate any and she blew up!!! They like knock us down to make themselves feel better. I am guilty of it sometimes too, but not all the time.

 

My ex. was with me for "potential". She thought I would change to something. She never even just had faith in me. I have come a long way in my life, but they refuse to respect that. With them it is always "what have you done for me today"; that Narcissistic Supply.

 

FYI, no karaoke for me. LOL. Just dancing.