Friendship would make him have feelings for me again?

[Azure13]

Hi everyone.......

I've posted previously here with my problems about my ex. Well we just talked on aim tonight.. I was the one to initiate but we were friendly and talked, joked around about stupid stuff just like we always did when we were friends and in the beginning of the relationship. I gave no mention of the relationship or feelings and neither did he. I am glad to talk to him and glad that he is my friend if nothing else. Sad fact is I absolutely am in love with this person.. I wonder if continuing with this renewed friendship would make him have feelings for me again? Or will it only put me up for disappointment and lots of frustration? Does it ever happen that a flame is rekindled through a good friendship? We really did have a good friendship and I felt it coming back again tonight when we spoke.. this is initially how we grew to have feelings for each other to begin with, through our friendship.. we were friends first for about 2-3 months before we started dating. Any advice would be very much appreciated. Thanks

[wanderingalonenow]

Hopefully some of the more experienced members will post responses also, but here're my thoughts on it.

 

Personally, I do think there has to be some way to interact with the ex in a "non-pressure" manner. A lot of the times, this manner of interaction takes on the form of a friendship. And with fun, light, positive time spent together, who knows, maybe his feelings for you will be rekindled. But at the same time, you run the risk of being trapped being "just friends." And it sounds like you don't want to just be friends.

 

I'm kinda in a similar situation myself. Except my ex is seeing someone else... the guy she left me for. I'm unsure of what to do. I mean, she was my best friend in the world. She is the most beautiful person I've ever met... her zest for life really just made me feel alive. And while I miss the friendship, I would be lying if I said that being her friend is everything I'll ever want. For now at least, I still love her very much, and being friends isn't enough. But is it right to be her friend with the hopes of getting her back? I don't know, I just have this feeling that what I'm trying to do is be her friends under false pretenses. I have this feeling that she's totally ignoring that I still have feelings for her. We talk about once a week, and our conversations are always light. Borderline flirty on occasion. But I think I've been relegated to that friend role and she isn't putting any thought at all to me being a potential future mate. I don't know that I should expect any different. And as much as I'd like to remind her of my feelings... I know that's probably not the right thing to do. So it's a tought spot.

 

Okay, I went off on a bit of a tangent there, sorry. Didn't mean to take away from your thread. But hopefully in all of my rambling, you'll at least see that being friends can be really, really complicated. Bottom line, I guess... is to listen to your gut... and follow your heart. Best of luck to you.

[gogol]

Hey,

 

I was in a similar situation earlier this year. It started around January. I was faced with the choice of persuing something more from a friend whom I loved, or moving on and leaving the past behind. The year before, there was something between the 2 of us. It turned out that she was too scared of a relationship and I took it badly. When I took it badly, it sorta turned her off and I was even deeper in pain. So, as I said, I was faced with a choice earlier this year. It turned out that her flame for me was sparked again and she fell for me again (I never stopped feeling for her). It was a dream come true. I did believe for the longest time that it'd never work. That it was over for good. But it turn out that affection and attraction did come back.

 

I must add however that I did change quite a bit from the first time she liked me to the second. I gained a lot of maturity. A number of factors were the cause of this, but none-the-less I changed. So this may be the cause of the newly sparked feelings (most likely is). I do think that feelings can be reborn. So I'd say that there is still hope.

 

Hope this helps...

 

Keep us updated.

[Azure13]

Thanks for the advice/thoughts/comments I am hoping that this is better at any rate. It has to be better than the complete silence/him pulling away and saying he needed space/getting upset that was going on before. I just don't want to set myself up to get hurt by still having these feelings.. though I really can't help it that I care about him so much.. dunno, I'll just see how it goes. Anyone who can't appreciate me doesn't deserve me anyway, right? It can't really be a bad thing that we are talking again as friends if nothing else.. I think.. I guess if it is "meant to be" it will work out again somehow.. or so I tell myself.

[Mun]

Hi Azure,

I can certainly relate to your post and I think it looks very promising. We have to remember that the foundation for a good "love" relationship is friendship. I don't know what your original thread said, I would have to look it up, but I get the feeling that you found your feelings first and started asking him, maybe wanting to know if he felt the same?

 

Keep thinking of this as a new start and be that girl he knew in the beginning, without all the drama. I bet it will draw him in. Don't tell him about your feelings anymore, let him do it first. Chances are he feels the same but has to feel " free" to tell you, not obligated. I hope things work out. No pressure...

[Azure13]

only thing is now I think hes backing away again.. and I don't know or understand why. I will never understand him.. I wish he'd just tell me why he feels the need to avoid me.. I never was even remotely smothering especially now.

[Mun]

I think It's not you, it's him.[/b]

 

If he needs his space and you give it to him he will think : Wow this is a great girl, I can have my time to myself and she doesn't freak out.

 

Relax for awhile and see what happens.

[zpivat]

Hello Azure,

 

How are you?

 

I read your story and it trully touched me. I decided to track back to your very first post from a couple months ago and have read all your stories. It's astonishing how your thinking pattern is exactly similar as mine. Please don't feel desperate. Afterall, you are not alone...a lot of the questions you mentioned in this forum are EXACTLY like what I've had so far, believe it or not....interesting eh?

 

Anyways, I have a little say about your boyfriend (or ex, rather). It seems like he's got used to the "meant to be" concept.

 

Well, I would like to share with you an article regarding "meant to be", from link removed. Note: this insight comes from a spiritual point of view. I don't know if you are into spirituality, but I am, and I am open to all of the possibilities and insights that are available in this vast universe of ours.

For your convenience, I'll post it here for you:

 

 

Is there such a thing as "meant to be"?

By: Anisa Aven

 

Q: Is there really any such thing as "meant to be"? You talk about saying, "what's meant to be, will be" and "If it's meant to be, then so be it, I'm okay with that." But, if we have the power to manifest anything we desire into our lives, is there really any such thing as "meant to be", or "God's will", or "Thy will be done"?

 

A: No! There is not some outside force, doctrine, or prearranged destiny asserting itself upon us. However, in our knowledge that we are unlimited, and fully capable of creating our own reality with our thoughts, it's easy to get caught up in our desires and kick ourselves for NOT creating more on target. This is terribly counterproductive.

 

When we get attached to what we want, we lose our power. By surrendering to what is meant to be, we play a game with our subconscious that allows us to let go of our attachment, and be at peace with whatever is. "Whatever is - IS. It's neither good nor bad - it just IS." By surrendering to "whatever is meant to be, will be," we are simply making peace with life thereby releasing our resistance and creating a foundation of serenity upon which we may create intentionally our destiny/desires. We can shift our attention from "what IS" to what we want when we are at peace with what is.

 

Another way of saying what is "meant to be," is to say, "I accept the fact that the Law of Attraction is at work here and now. The Divine Order is established and at this moment, I accept and appreciate this thing/situation to be the perfect manifestation of the Laws of Creation.

 

These Laws are always at work! thereforeeee everything is exactly as it's meant to be now! I surrender and find total peace in the Laws of the Universe at work in my life now. I am at Peace knowing that the Law of Attraction is unchangeable, immutable, and unbiased and whatever I have created in this moment is perfect for my highest growth now. It can be no other way! If I have enacted the Law of Attraction to manifest "this experience" in my life, then I can enact it to unmanifest it and create something better. However, in this moment, I find total Peace knowing all is well. All is in perfect order and I relax and appreciate this now. I am at peace now."

[zpivat]

Another thing Azure: you've always said how you haven't smothered your ex in anyway, which is trully a good thing. Most of us desperate people do the begging, pleading, and crying, which drive our exes further away. Well it's not REALLY our fault if we chase them...I mean, who wants a break up, and who wants their ex to run away right? I believe it is not our deliberate intention to chase them and make them feel threatened consequently. It's just our nature as a human being: we chase something/someone when we're about to lose it/him/her. There is nothing wrong with that, but the important thing is that we have to be aware of this harmful action, and we should try to monitor and control our emotion accordingly.

 

So without further ado: this is also a good article, regarding the law of detachment. It doesn't address relationship issues directly, but I am sure once you read it, you will know how you/we should relate it to relationship, in particular breaking-up, issues.

 

Experience Freedom Through The Law of Detachment.

By: Tom Payne

link removed

 

"When you chase things, they run away." This is true for animals, lovers, and even money! It may seem like a contradiction to The Law of Attraction, but desperately needing to attract something may block the Law of Attraction from operating. Desperation pulls you into an ever-descending spiral. The more you worry about needing something, the more you create an obstruction.

 

Whenever you are desperate for anything; a relationship, a promotion, to quit smoking or more money, you create an energy around you which pushes it away. You may try for years to rid yourself of anxieties, worries, inferiorities and guilt by making a conscious endeavour, but success usually comes when you give up the effort of trying to solve your problems by conscious thought. Eastern sages teach the way to success is by surrender.

 

When your conscious mind has succinctly stated the problem, detach and release it. Dismiss all responsibility and care about the outcome; let the subconscious get to work unhindered. Be intensely interested in securing an answer, think about it consciously, gather all the information you can, consider the alternatives and then let it go.

 

When you least expect it the answer will come spontaneously, either in a clear direction, an inspiration or a sudden hunch; sometimes like a bolt out of the blue. You'll just 'know' the answer when the conscious mind has let go and stopped struggling with trying to solve it by reasoning.

 

When you can release things in your mind, you will have them. When you try to hold on to them, they will wriggle and squeak and they'll try to get away from you. That's a metaphysical fact.

 

For example, if you want to negotiate the right price on a house; see it, feel it, taste it and affirm it. Say to yourself; 'This house is beautiful, I feel good about it, I'd love to own it if we can do the deal; but if we can't, I release it.' When you detach the people will come along and say, "The elderly lady who owns it really likes you, and feels comfortable with you. She wants you to have it for the lower price!"

 

When you are detached, you learn to you 'judge' nothing to be good or bad. Detachment is not apathy; 'Everything is relative to everything else.'

 

Nothing is short or long. George Street is a long road, but not as long as the road accross the Nullarbor.

 

"I've been waiting a long time for the bus." Not as long as women have been waiting for social equality. Not as long as Christians have been waiting for the Second Coming. Nothing is long or short; nothing is cold or hot, good or bad. Good or bad in relation to what?

 

"This thing is terrible." Terrible as compared to what? "The bus service in Hobart is dreadful!" Compared to what? Compared to the bus service in Sydney, or compared to the bus service in Northern Uganda.

 

"Dreadful weather isn't it?" No, it's only wet weather; it's only cold weather.

 

A vital, but difficult to grasp concept in detachment: "Everything matters, but nothing matters." Enjoy material possessions, status and good relationships, but detach from depending on them for your happiness.

 

I enjoy driving a good car, but if I had to drive a bomb, it wouldn't matter. I don't rely on my car for my happiness. You enjoy your job. But, if they retrenched you tomorrow, you'd be shocked, but your job doesn't matter, it's not who you are! You enjoy your relationship, but if your partner left you for some young-thing you'd be upset, but it doesn't matter. Don't depend on another person for your happiness.

 

To gain personal power you must detach and disengage. You must be in the world, but not part of it!

[Azure13]

Muneca I do believe you're right.

 

Zpivat- I don't know about the whole meant to be thing but I like the article on the Law of detachment.

 

I was smothering at the time of the breakup, but I have stopped.. I did do the begging.. but not anymore. It just kindof hurts that I don't get why he seems to still avoid me to some extent, when I thought he was stopping with that whole thing the last time we spoke. I thought or at least hoped things were going to be getting like they used to.. I really don't get why someone who once loved talking to me so much now seems to avoid it... and it is pretty obvious that he does at times in spite of what he has said to me.

 

I'm not desperate about this, I'm actually trying at this point to find some way to get over him. I figure if he changes his mind.. we can always work on that if/when that time comes.. but right now I want to find some way of dealing with this without the constant question in my mind of whether or not this will work out.. b/c the thoughts of longing/wanting to be with him are really starting to bother me and I'm getting fed up with this.. if this is going to work out again, I wish this would make some kind of progress now or otherwise I want to try and find some way to get over this for the time being.. until/if/when he decides to come around again and realize he ruined something that was actually going quite well. I can't just sit here with my life on hold for him can I? I do care for him a lot and want to be with him again.. but I never felt like I had to go out of my way to gain his attention or hope that he will give me his attention before we ever started going out.. so why should I now.. I don't know I'm just getting a little fed up here...... I think the best course of action for myself at this point is to try to move on, and realize that we will see each other again definitely.. so its not like this has to be a now or never thing.. and then if the time comes when he decides he made a mistake or to come back I'll be there, but until then I can't go on feeling this way.. its just not healthy for a person to long to be with someone who just doesn't want to be with them and isn't with them at the moment. Its funny the moment he broke up with me he said something to me of the effect that it was like we were meeting each other again for the first time and we just started talking; like he wants to do this all over again. But if he wanted to do it over again you'd think he'd make something of an effort to talk to me (he did when we actually did meet for the first time I dunno anymore I'm just going to try and forget about him but still be friendly and talk when I see him and we will see where things go. I can't keep doing this to myself.

[a_little_sparrow]

Azure13,

 

I think I know how you feel. It's that frustrating point where every part of your body wants to be with this guy, but for whatever reasons, circumstances won't let you go to him. In this case, he's confused, and doesn't really know what he wants.

 

I think a lot of what zpivat was posting about is coming to peace with yourself. And from what you said in that last post, I think you're really close to finding that peace: closer than you think. At some point all that yearning in the body just hurts so much and your brain has to step in and say "Enough is enough already." And your attitude starts to shift in drastic ways.

 

I feel I've just been going through this myself. But not before a few days of excruciating desire for my ex. I wanted her something fierce. But the kind of wanting I had was that desperate kind. I kept thinking, "My life will be nothing if she doesn't come back to me." And even at that moment I could see that my desires were based upon desperation and fear, and I didn't know how to get away from them.

 

And I finally told myself, I've got to let go of her. And believe me. All of my friends were like, "Yeah, you've got to let go of her now." They were just getting sick of me going on and on. Getting more and more desperate. And I started to feel as though I was making no progress whatsoever in my healing.

 

Azure13, I'm here to tell you it's OK to let go. As someone told me on this board, letting go does not mean you're giving up. And at this point, I can honestly see how that works. And the way I finally let go of this whole thing? I told myself she's not coming back. And I believed it. It was so sad for me to see that, and to believe it. But when I could honestly say that to myself, and then see that my life will continue, and I will be OK without her, I felt cleansed of the desperation.

 

And now it's so strange. For me, I still want to be with her. But my thinking has changed from, "Oh, God I hope she comes back." to "Oh, God, I hope she gives me a second chance." I can see that what I hope for now is not a return to what we had, but instead a new beginning. And I actually find myself optimistic about the whole thing. I suspect the optimism comes from me not thinking the survival of our "relationship" (which is a strange word to use when you're broken up) is a life or death situation. If my ex gives me a second chance it will add a lot to my life, but I have lots of ways of adding things to my life.

 

Anyway. I hope some of this helps. This point of expasperation you're feeling is I think a GOOD sign, because you recognize that things can't continue like this. And your body will find a way to change things. Best of luck.

[Azure13]

Ok, I was wondering does anyone have any advice on how I should proceed from here? Its hard to talk to him these days b/c he usually just has a messege up on aim and I don't want to call. Though what i really want to do is ask him to go see a movie or something like that but I don't think thats the right thing to do. My goal is just to get us closer again and talking a lot.. to be good friends again....

[Mun]

Girl, How long has he had his message up?

What you need to do is give him some time, maybe not a whole lot since you DO want to be in contact with him. Say 3 weeks and then give him a call, preferably when you will get his machine and just leave him a message " Hi, this is A just wanted to say hello and see how you are doing" then leave it up to him to respond. If he feels like there is no pressure he is most likely to respond, but do not call him back. Give him time to call you. Always leave it up to him to come after you ( because he wants his space so bad and needs it)

 

When he calls do resist the urge to invite him to the movies or something like that, instead ask him to help you pick out something ( toaster, rug, picture) so it does not "look" like a date but will give you a chance to do something together and have a good time. This is less threatening than a date and men love to help us with their "expertise" so take advantage!

 

Girl I think that if you are right and this man cares for you he wants you in his life he is just not ready. A call like the one I described let's him know you still care but you are not putting pressure (something he doesn't want right now)

Guys hate needy girls. They want to be with girls they can have fun with and be accepted. So do the one call thing, and leave it alone. Trust in him and trust in his feelings.

Good luck

[Azure13]

Thanks for your advice as always muneca Sorry I guess I didn't clearly explain it.. I mean he always has his away messege up on aol instant messenger most of the time whenever he is on aim. I was surprised he was on without his messege up that one time I spoke to him through aol instant messenger. I guess the trouble is, when we got to know each other and used to speak, we mostly spoke either through aim or in person in class together.. school is out for the summer now, and well hes hardly ever on aim anymore.. and he never was much of a phone person...

 

I just don't know what to ask him to help me pick something out with.. plus I don't know how good that would be.. he lives an hour and a half away from me and if we were to get together, we'd both have to probably meet in the city (the halfway pt b/w our two houses) which would be like an hour away from him for something that seems to be so casual.. or at least I want to seem casual. I dunno how to manage this.. to be honest I just don't know if he'd call me back even if I was just like hey how are you doing..... I guess I am afraid he won't then I'll feel badly, etc. He has to know I still care.. after all the begging I did in like May.. but then again who knows.

 

I guess more of what my situation is is that I know for a fact he got scared and didn't know how to handle relationships, and the focus just got thrown off of everything.. so what I'm trying to do is just kinda get us talking again like buddies like we used to.. so he'll feel the way he used to.. b/c he has even told me that he does not feel anything for me anymore. So I guess the problem is that right now I know he won't go out of his way to spend time with me or talk with me bc I know he doesn't care beyond friendship, so I need a way to talk to him that seems casual and nonchalant.. kindof like just making a new friend.. seeing as how this is "starting over" in a way.. I believe we did have a connection and chemistry and now that I *think* his guard is finally starting to let up (I think) maybe we can go back to the way we used to talk.. and he'll start to feel for me again.. if nothing else at least I will regain my friendship with him (I guess technically I already have that but at least it will be strengthened).

 

..and I don't know how to manage that right now...... seems kindof difficult

 

Should I wait til I happen to encounter him on aim again and let him im me this time? I just don't want to make him feel like I am pushing for anything.. I made that mistake already..

[aspect]

this is a wonderful forum... i've been experiencing the same prob.. and the advise u ppl gave.. i do want to apply on myself to...

[Mun]

Azure do as I said. He must come after you, not the other way around. Only this way will he start to have feelings for you again ( crossing fingers). If you continue to persue him you will look less attractive, trust me. Do the one call thing I suggested then leave him alone. He doesn't want to have a relationship right now. It will be much better if when he does decide to date he remembers "that great girl who was so sweet" instead of "psycho woman who kept calling and calling" right?

 

I know for a fact that when a man wants to see you, distance is not important.

 

I do hope he starts to call soon. In the meantime continue having a full life. Enjoy yourself and put him in the back of your mind. You will be much more appealing to any man when you have a full life you enjoy.

[Azure13]

So just call him and ask him do to something? I guess I was just curious as to whether I should talk to him a few more times via aim if/when i see him on to get us more like back in touch as we used to be before i attempt something like that..