Help, I'm so depressed over my ex

[taylorb]

Hi,

I need some support, advice, whatever input someoone can give me. My boyfriend and I were living together for almost 1 1/2 years and going out for over 2 years. We were so in love our first year and pretty much inseperable. However, a little bit after the first year things started to change. In a nutshell, we just didn't click like we had before. He had always had problems with finances but it started to really pay a toll on me. I just didn't have faith that he would get his act together eventhough he started to work two jobs. Also, he never really wanted to do stuff on the weekends. He would sleep in all day. Our sex life deteriorated. I wasn't sure if I was attracted to him anymore (eventhough I still loved him and knew it was just a phase). I would nag him about his financial troubles and he would just close up. I wanted to go out on dates together or make dinner together. It never happened. I wanted to see a therapist together. He didn't want to. After a while he didn't really want to hang out with me anymore. His family and friends always had trouble with the fact that he couldn't never be on time for things. But after a while he would be out and call me and tell me that he would be home at a certain time and then come home three hours later. I would stay up angry and worried. One day I told him that I loved him but I just didn't think that he was ready for a live in relationship. So I suggested that we continue the relationship but in separate houses. He didn't want to do that. So we got a joint bank account and re-signed the lease and we thought that would make things better. Anyway, I could go on and on but after some ups and downs, he finally came home one night and told me that we needed to break up. That we both weren't happy and he just couldn't give 100% to the relationship. After still living with eachother for a 1 month 1/2 in agony he finally moved out on March 15. We continued to talk to eachother on occasion, but I would always find the conversations pretty disappointing. Well, I still always thought that with some time apart we would eventually get back together. however, he told me Memorial day weekend that he was dating someone totally new, a girl from his work who I had met while he and I were still together. I spent the Saturday with him anyway and of course it was the best sex we had had in a very long time. We also talked about a lot of things and eventhough it was painful, I felt that I did get some closure that weekend. One thing I did ask him was for him to tell me to "move on". He told me that "if he said that it would be a lie because he still had feelings for me." But, after asking him the same question over and over again. He did say that "my best bet was to move on because if we didn't connect again in six months or so, then I would have wasted my time." I told him on that Sunday morning that we couldn't talk for a while so that I could get through the pain and he said that he would comply with my request. The girl he is dating is 9 years his junior. She actually is a nice person. But I never thought he would date someone so soon. I thought he would be on his own for awhile first. She also just got out of a 7 year relationship. So I think they are both rebounds for eachother. However, I just can't get out of my mind that they will get married one day. I am so depressed and cry every night. I miss him so much and can't believe the relationship is over. I can't believe that I have been replaced. My birthday was Monday and he gave a friend of mine a card to give me. I read it over and over again before I put it away in my closet so that I wouldn't have to look at it anymore. The card was nice and he said that he is still thinking of me... I still have not contacted him. I don't think he even knows how much I've been pining away for him. I know it will make me feel worse to contact him. But, I can't stop blaming myself for the break up. How could I let him go. I'm nervous that I can never love again. Anyway, sorry for all the ranting...

[Maverick44]

Hey taylor,

 

Realize that breakups are just hard. All of us here in one way or another have gone through a breakup. You're not alone and we are all here to help you in whatever way we can.

 

As for getting over him, this is going to require you to like yourself again. Do you like the things you do? What do you do for fun? What do you do with your friends to help enjoy life a bit more?

 

For me, I liked going to the gym! I liked getting back into shape. I also like hanging out with my friends and going and grabbing a beer. I liked getting into my business ventures and shaping things that way.

 

Those things kept me interested in my life and enjoying myself. Do I dwell and think about my ex(es). From time to time, I do. And I have a tough time because of it. But I come to realize that I should continue my path and enjoy myself. Because I've been the one person there for me all the time

 

Good Luck,

 

Maverick

[taylorb]

Thank you so much for your quick response. It is so nice to know that I am not alone. I know that my self esteem is extremely low right now and to be honest I haven't been very healthy lately. I know that I need to start exercising and eating better. Again...thanks so much for your support.

[mazxs]

i know ho you feel.

 

my ex and split december last year 2003. last weekend 27 june she got engaged to some 20 yr old kid, she 25 and i'm here crying my eyes out over her still.

 

i love her so much.

 

check out my post, you will see what i'm going through.

 

People tell me to hang in there. it so hard.

But stay, ok.

[Gaz]

Its hard to deal with as most of us know but you must go on and try to do the best you can to take your mind of it or it will start to consume you, like it did me. It took me a long time to realise that no contact really meant no contact but by then it was too late. Good luck, your in good hands here.

[martyj]

we all have gone through this me personally i split for the 4th time in Dec 2003 and it carried on until March 04 now she has someone else but i am hanging in there cos i was true and the hurt you are feeling now will turn into happiness when you meet the person who loves you unconditionally as these people didnt.

 

Only when their time comes when they maybe fall for someone and get left will they understand the pain we will but by then we would of let go but judging by the nature of the people on these forums we will be more compassionate to their hearts

 

Keep strong and think of you even though that is hard right now

MartyJ

[CarterJonas]

Hi taylorb

 

As you've probably concluded, a lot of us on this site has been through a traumatic breakup. Others have been through much worse. But we are all still here, having got or getting through the situation.

 

Take heart that the first few weeks, sometimes a few months, are the worse. Once you are through this initial period then time really does help mend the broken heart.

 

If there is anything that we can help with on your way then please continue to post here.

 

good luck

[taylorb]

I really appreciate all the support. thanks. I am definitely grieving right now. I can't sleep. And like I said, I cry at least once a day. I try and avoid places that I might see him with or without her because I know that it will only bring me back further.

 

I just don't want them to get married. My ex-boyfriend before this recent ex, met a girl at a bar, cheated on me and ended up marrying her. That's why I am so afraid the same thing might happen again. It makes me think that something is wrong with me. I want it to be a rebound for both. I hate this.

 

Lastly, like I said, I haven't contacted him since Memorial day weekend. Even when I was moving out of the place we had together, I never contacted him. He contacted me though about his dvd and tv and said that he would come by and pick it up and help me move. I refused and told him to email my friend and that she would bring over his stuff for me. Even after he gave my friend a birthday card for me, I never thanked him. Is this the right thing to do?

[CarterJonas]

hi again,

 

there is nothing wrong with thanking him for the birthday card, if you want to. Just a quick email, note or whatever.

 

This could be the beginning of communication between the two of you. At least this way, by talking to him, you will know where you stand and if there is a chance in getting back together or not.

 

I would say though, and I know it is easy for me to say, don't invest all your energy on the basis that you will get back together.

 

just remember that life is about more than just boyfriends.

 

hope this is of some help.

[dogmeat]

Im sorry to hear about your situation.....i too have most recently been dealing with a break up, on monday it will be 2 weeks, i did not intiate the no contact rule, because i have a baby with her, and i cant just stop being in the childs life.....I am realizing that there are things to deal with, personally, and that it will all work out....as time goes on i feel better, as will you...its just very hard...

 

I think the key to getting over things, is to keep your self occupied, and not think about the situation...its hard but it has to be done...

[dorkygirl]

Well I had been with my ex for almost 4 years. Would have been 4 years on 07/03/2004. In June, he went to the doctor and he found out he had high blood pressure. The doctor told him he had to cut down on stress. So, he told me he needed some space from me as we were having arguments constantly over stupid stuff, ofcourse. So, I told him I didn't want to take time off but that if he needed it, fine. My parents were getting a divorce and I really needed him at the time but he was very depressed about his health. So, now we have been apart for 1 month and I went over to see him on July 3rd, and I told him if we were going to be back together soon. Well he dropped the bombshell that he didn't want a relationship right now. That he was happy alone not worrying about our relationship and not wanting to deal with the issues that arise from it. I was devastated. He was so cold with me. I thought this time away would surely bring us together and I wanted to be there to help him with his health issues, maybe exercise together and that kinda thing. I wanted to give him support and I needed his support. Well I cried a lot as I have been for a month and I still can't believe we're not together. Just last month we were saying how our anniversary was coming up. I hope he hasn't met someone else and just forgot about me? How can you stop loving someone so fast? He is the love of my life. I am completely and utterly depressed and I hope we get back together.

[Greenlee]

My advice is to gain more friends, keep busy, travel, learn ,get in shape and casually date. Flirt. Flirt. Flirt and laugh! Trust me on this! He will only respond to you indifference!

 

Let the guy come to you! You must be a catch! You must conduct your self as to convey to him that he is lucky to get you!!!! A good analogy is you wouldn't go eat dinner at a restaurant with no cars in the parking lot would you? You might choose to stay in light contact with him but he certainly will not be sitting around filing his nails and waiting for your calls! But he'll know that you are "probably available if necessary!" Tension and not knowing will keep aguy interested unfortunately. Trust me..... I found out the hard way through several relationships where I played the nurturing "good girl" girlfriend."

 

My ex bf left me after 3 1/2 yrs. then went off with someone else from his fave bar. He was still calling me( while sleeping with her) until I found out the real deal. Before I found out the truth, I had my hopes up and was anxiety-ridden and plain confused. At the time ( before I found out...) we had been instant mesengering each other and talking on the phone every day for about three months! I was in such a tizzy I plain out posed the idea that "maybe we shouldn't be in communication until we knew was was going on." His response? He said, "I can't not talk to you. I like hearin g from you" He was playing with his good time suzy and keeping me on the back burner just in case.... (I figured this all out later..duhhhh..) So, your ex calling you but being indecisive is quite common but nothing to rely on. He's keeping the door open just in case.... He might never have intentions with you again but simply having you "around" is good for the ego.

 

My advice is NO CONTACT. I hate to say it but men will juggle several women ( basically most men) until they make a decision on the "best deal" for themselves. If anything, he will keep stringing you along indefintely. I love men but they are different than us gals. They keep all their options open and are more ego-driven as women want to "settle or nest" with the one true love. And for any guys reading this: I don't mean that every guy is like that so guys please don't get testy with this response! Men and women are quite diffferent in their interpretations and actions!!

[Greenlee]

 

 

You have to get ANGRY! Give yourself permission to grieve and roll with it. Don't put pressure on yourself with any time frame. Everyone is different. Reread my earlier post. I want to tell you one other thing: My ex bf started calling me about six weeks after I dropped off the radar! He was sick of "good time suzy" that he had been messing around with but by that time I couldn't take him back!

 

I had been feeling so bad thinking that he was all crazy about this goofball when in fact I truly believe he didn't expect me to find out about her and probably had planned to come back to good 'ol reliable me! He is now claiming it was a fling lol.

 

Hang in there sweetie!! You'll have the upper hand in no time ! I guarantee it!!!

[Greenlee]

After rereading your post.....

 

First off..... How do you know his doctor says he's too stressed??? Hey, we're all stressed this days!!!

 

Secondly, It isn't you!! What a load of crapola. That's an excuse.

 

Thirdly, It is quite possible he's suddenly not wanting a relationship or that he may well have his eye on someone. I don't want to hurt you but I went through something similar and my gut instinct was correct! What is your gut saying?

 

It will be better for you to do some detective work if possible. The sooner you know what the real deal is .. the better!!

Be strong. Be direct. And if your gut is telling something else is at play... Go with it and find out the truth for your own peace of mind!!

My brother has high blood pressure and he's in his early 40's, physically fit etc but that doesn't mean he can quit his job, get a divorce and go sit in a cave!! I don't buy that line he's giving you.. Sorry.

[dorkygirl]

I just dont know what to do? I am scared to find out something I don't want to. He says he doesnt want to deal with our relationship stress. I just cant believe he cut me out of his life so quickly. Who knows what will happen. I have left him alone. He's emailed me, I dont know if I should write back.

[Greenlee]

Let him go. He'll eventually call you. You're letting him call the shots with his B.S. That "Stress" thing is an excuse. There is something else at play here. I smell a rat. Either he's got something going on elsewhere and he's going to see how it goes but keep you in tow or he's trying to let you down easy and wants to be free.

 

I'll tell you one major die-hard never fail rule when it comes to guys that may perk you up: NO MATTER WHAT THEY TELL YOU , THEY'LL ALWAYS GET BACK IN TOUCH WITH YOU EVENTUALLY.

 

I think he's got his eye on someone else and is going to see how it goes. Meanwhile, he's stringing you along just in case.

 

Play some hard ball and be strong. Let him go. If he doesn't have the guts to tell you he wants to break up, he's defintely not the one. If you disappear off the radar, he'll call back. Golden rule. Men confuse the chase with excitement and passion. If you keep calling him, you'll dull what's left of his interest. Go out and meet some fun people and let it filter back that you're having a blast. And it can't hurt if he thinks other guys are interested in you already! I know it sounds like games, but guys are different that women ( ok, most guys.. about 99.5 % the world over) CALL HIS BLUFF.