My boyfriend's controlling parents!

[Asmokraemer]

Hi,

This is a difficult situation for me and I need to vent/get advice.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together a little over two years, during which I entered therapy for issues related to my abusive childhood and he was also in therapy for other reasons. Basically, we've spent the past two years helping each other get better. The next step for him is to get a job and/or go back to school. (He was in school but dropped out because the stress was making him suicidal and has been working to overcome this) So I've been helping him find jobs and fill out applications. Last week he had an interview at a gas station and was pretty much promised the job. His self esteem soared (something he doesn't have a lot of and fell even more since he had to leave school) and he felt great about himself. He told his parents and they basically berated him about it until he cried. They don't want him to work at a gas station (this is NOT in a bad area; the "kids" are not "allowed" to work at banks either because of the apparent danger posed) and would rather him NOT work than work at a gas station.

 

His mom went so far as to say that she's going to be up all night worrying and that she's "not going to bury him". His dad said that gas stations are for people "on death row" and a bunch of stuff about gas costing too much (it would be about 30 minutes away from home, he drives a Sable) and that he wont be able to save (for school). He called me crying that night, saying that he doesn't know what to do. He doesn't want to take the job because he knows he'll never hear the end of it and they'll pull horrible guilt trips on him, bringing his grandparents worrying all night about him into it. But he doesn't NOT want to take it because he knows I'll be upset (and I am) and he doesn't want them controlling him. (I had no idea they were THIS bad about it but it explains all his problems-he became suicidal at school because he felt he couldn't disappoint them by not doing as well as they wanted him to; and his total lack of self esteem)

 

The morning after this revelation, he woke up to find his mom had left a stack of papers outside his door, all about convenience store crime rates and how they aren't getting better, complete with sections she highlighted. The note on top was "read, *heart* mom" Is it possible to be more passive aggressive?

 

What the F? I know I have control issues and I can't control him or them (though I really really want to) so this is especially hard for me. I know this isn't normal or healthy. They're not allowing their 22 year old son (I'm 24) to grow up and be independent and I can't handle it. It makes me wonder "do I want to be in the family for the rest of my life?" and I don't. I LOVE my boyfriend very much but I HATE his family.

 

How can I work with this? I am doing the best I can to understand the situation from his point of view and it does help. His dad even relented a little on the phone the other day when my boyfriend told him that they've won and he wont take the job. (This is a good job, full time, with benefits and tuition assistance so when he DOES go back to school, there will be help.) I don't even want to see his family again, be around them because all I see are abusive people who are caging their children in fear and teaching their kids to be responsible for the parents' emotions. Can I be supportive to him but remain distanced from his family? Not only that, but how do I remove my sense of control from this? I feel like his mom and I have been battling for "control" of him forever and I don't want that. It's not fair nor helpful to him. What do I do? (I am going to bring this up to my therapist but I wanted other suggestions too)

 

And please don't tell me to leave him, that isn't the solution.

[doesitmatter30]

It's gonna suck for him, but he has to choose. you or them... One of my exes had to do this, and my parents had stuff like this themselves... You can't do anything unfortunately, but he has to stand up to them and MAKE them backoff. his mother sounds EXACTLY like my grandmother, and if she is then he will have to get nasty and she will probably try to make him feel guilty from here on out. HE has to figure out how to get over it. He's a man and nobody can make him do anything. He's allowing them to control him. and yes it sounds like you are fighting the mom in law for control... My mom tried for years everything to get my dads mom to leave them alone and it never worked until HE took care of it, like 25 years after it started... Don't let it go on that long. It comes down to him having to choose you or them, but you have to be prepared to go if he chooses them.

[Fudgie]

I don't see how you could distance yourself. I know many families like that and they are TOXIC. Can you handle being with him knowing that you'll have to put up with that crap for always? They will always be in his life and they are too enmeshed and pathologic to even see what they are doing wrong. You, as the gf, can't do anything about it. The only person who can is their son, your boyfriend.

 

Your boyfriend needs to go a backbone and stand up for himself or you two will never be happy.

[lostnscared]

I'll try not to be rude here, but I find this situation a little disturbing. I don't even want to harp on the fact that his parents are FAR too overprotective. I'm more concerned that this young man seems to lack "manhood". The fact that he isn't capable of functioning in the real world without his parents approval or without YOU supporting him, is very concerning. He should be able to do basic things, without YOU or his PARENTS intervening.

What I see is two sets of people intervening in his life. I see his parents trying to pull him away from the world and into this safety bubble. And I see you pushing him in the complete opposite direction--getting him to go to school, work, and take care of himself. It's a push and pull effect. And I suspect that his tears, crying, suicidal thoughts, and incapability to stand up to any of you is because of the pressure in both directions and his uncertainty about what he is ABLE to do.

Ultimately it is up to him, and HIM only to take control of his life. I see this as less of his parents fault(though they do have part of the blame) and more of HIM not taking responsibility for his OWN life. I also don't see this issue getting any better and I caution you about staying with him. I know leaving him is not an option, but I think overtime you'll rethink this. Your 24, have a good head on your shoulders. So why are you playing life coach and mother hen to a 22 year old MAN? That's so unattractive for him to call you crying because he can't take control of his life. It seems like he "needs you" and I think as you get older, this will become less than acceptable.

[bpsekh]

If it's economically feasible, and you see this as a long-term relationship, you and your boyfriend can go in an apartment together. It would be a lot better for both of you, to have each other around, rather than to have to deal with his parents.

 

My dad was the same way. Even when I was 22, he would be overprotective to the point of not allowing me to walk to the corner store (which was literally 100 yards from the apartment door) to get a bottle of ketchup, since I might have "fallen down" and injured myself. He would also do similar things, such as posting newspapers on my desk about how unsafe everything was.

 

Eventually I moved out of there and moved in with my friends, because and have a much better life, though my accommodations are not as good as they were before.

 

Good luck.

[Hellzapoppin]

I would run as fast as I could. This person isn't capable of entering into or maintaining any sort of long-term relationship.

 

Get out while you can, unless you want to be his unpaid therapist for the rest of your life. JMHO

[Smoosh8875]

Ok I can only give you my own success story that might give you some hope.. My back story is different then yours a little but same problem in the relationship. I didn't grow up in an abusive parental home (I'm sry for u on that) but when I met my boyfriend 4 years ago just as a friend my ex husband ironical I was in a very abusive marital relationship which between theorist and his loyal friendship and support I was able to leave and not look back he was visiting from the east coast in Alaska where I live when we met our friendship later grew into more over about a 6 month period but my ex living in the same small town made our relationship impossible !! Ussually my boyfriend being the kind and problem solving push over (personality flag ladies)..would try to reason with him (ex husband and his friend) all the time where as for myself thanx to theropy and my new boyfriend i had grown a voice and had zero tolerance for my ex husbands intrucesive behavior .. So we decided lets move to Pa. Where my bf is from new beginnings and all.. Well I learned fast and hard why he was so passive and obedient type my gosh his mother controlled everything in his and his brothers life at first I tried to excuse it with things I would say to myself like "well his mom comes from a large family of ten and the boys where adopted because she can't have kids of her own" or well "it's because I'm older than him by ten years" or "it's because I'm from Alaska and we are more layed back then Pennsylvanians" but over time his grandmother loved how we always came by to visit and his i guess last women kept him away from his family apparently he repeated his home life through bouts of very controlling women all of his family loved me they seen how I valued family, was a hard worker at my hospital job even gave his gram a little extra tlc when she was in the hospital I worked at there but his mom and dad never warmed up to me .. They where always trying my patience with intrusions to my home our personal life and the job thing you mentioned I had similar thing happened to me when he looked into becoming a fire fighter he had told me "babe I want more in life than just construction worker" I told him go to college or anything he wanted I was working and he was only 21 and why not his mother actually told him he would just be waiting time it was only my 2nd time in over a year to speak up and tell him that was so out of line once before when she would just come in our house.. I warned him just like people keep saying on here HE HAS TO SPEAK UP AND FIX IT NOT YOU! Because think about it the behavioral issues have been there before you and if you try you just look like the bad girlfriend influencing him to be defiant anyway he would tell them at my coaching when they where crossing the line and also another recommendation GET FAMILY ALLIES he even had his aunt that was in pa visiting from Alaska get into there butts about backing off and letting him be his own man he had a cousin tell them even his grandmother but I tell ya those ppl are relentless they have a problem that you just might have they have a miserable marriage they are one of those couples that haves lived through thier kids his dad has taking on her controlling personality traits over the years like many long time marriages or pairing up ppl start to act alike they can't let go of those glory days when the boys where like 10 and 12 everything was perfect they live in this time locked mindset.. They even use to have a locator on his iPhone he believed his dad when he asked him why he was getting these "you have been located.." His dad lied and said he had to have that incase it was lost or stolen when I showed him uhh no look at this website it's an app they signed up to for 5$ a month to locate him and he was just floored but he called them on it I'm here to tell you it can be a constant battle we have since moved back to Alaska shame to because I loved my job and the rest if his family but like you said stressful for your man look at it like this crazy I knw but follow me here.. If it was another woman well some women after your guy??walk away say forget that ? Well some women do that's fine but some fight for him and say hell no and toy better tell her back off or I will just what I ultimately did I told him on the coming in our house part honey let her know to call or at least knock first or she might walk in on something she doesn't want to be embarrassed of now I don't knw nor care how he told her exactly but she stop doing it but eventually it just wore him out battling them especially when he really started to see there very bazaar actions and controlling ways he put in for a job in Alaska my ex has moved out of state and when we visit in December we will not stay at there house a motel or nothing else his words not mine we are so much happier now four years still like best friends and lovers!! So sorry for him and his parents having a very long relationship but they pushed him away not me

So to recap. 1) Either move on or go to battle with love patience and shedding light on thier behavior

2) set boundaries with each other against the parents that you both agree on

3) get allies (friends and his other family members)

4) if all else fails put distance between you 2 and them !! move!!so he can have a thought in his own head

[Smoosh8875]

So what she should just let him feel alone ?? A bubble really?? That's the problem with the world today people think the perfect relationships come out of a box or something . No they take work,patience, personal growth.. If couples would treat each other like best friends do they would be more successful just think of the old addage grandmaws always say " you gotta be good friends first" and I'm sorry but a best friend wouldn't just not help him. And no matter what even pessimistic people have to admit parents have a strong hold on us for better or worse