sick to my <> stomach :(

[Ms Darcy]

i was thinking.. this all may seem immature

but it hurts non-the-less..

and i can't help the way the feeling overwhelms us

 

 

guess i can't really expect anyone to try and want to understand, but..

if you don't.. just don't say anything, because right now it all hurts

 

The great thing about this place is that you will get a lot of different perspectives. Some of those perspectives you may not like. Think of this example ... what if you saw someone who said: "It hurts when I stab myself." In response that person's friends may say: "Well stop stabbing yourself." And that person says: "I don't know how. I wouldn't have to stab myself if my father didn't buy the knives and bring them home."

 

There are things within your conscious control, your thoughts, and things not within your conscious control, your feelings. You cannot control the feelings of panic that the knife is there, at least not in the beginning, but you can control the thought that you need to stab yourself with it.

 

Suggesting you might have some therapy isn't an insult. And in no way is this site a substitute for therapy. If you get a Cognitive Behavior Therapist, he or she can work with you on techniques to help you stop and redirect your maladaptive thoughts. And yes, making change takes a lot of time.

 

I hope you one day choose to own helping yourself get better. Good luck.

[OptomisticGirl]

i was thinking.. this all may seem immature

but it hurts non-the-less..

and i can't help the way the feeling overwhelms us

 

 

guess i can't really expect anyone to try and want to understand, but..

if you don't.. just don't say anything, because right now it all hurts

 

Of course it isn't immature, it's how you feel and you have the right to feel like that.

 

But at the same time you are on a site where you ask a question and you can any form of reponse from 100s of members. No to replies will ever be the same, everyone has their own view on situations. some good, some not so good.

 

I don't think virgnity should be on a pedestal but at the same time, it shouldn't just be thrown away either. I learned that from my own past. You have to realize there are some things you just can't change, and I think that's what is really holding you back. You keep looking at the situation with your emotions and right now, you will. It's normal to do so. But if you ever want to move past it and continue your relationshp, you are going to have to detach your emotions from it. What I mean by that is, you are gong to have to realize it's something you can't change, and then once that happens, you'll be able to make the decsion of staying knowing you can't change it and living with it or walking away because you can't get over it.

 

Nothing wrong with either of those options in my book.

[lavenderdove]

No one is trying to insult you, just give you a different perspective. You're stuck right now in a world of hurt, and need to find a way out of it.

 

Because in reality, your boyfriend's past is past, and every day you cling to the idea that virginity is all important, you are throwing away a great situation with a great guy who you say is perfect for you in every way except for his sexual past, and causing yourself (and him) an enormous amount of pain dwelling on it.

 

If you take a really rigid stance on virginity, then you have no choice but to cast him off because he can't change the past and you can't stay in this angry/upset/freaked out mode with him forever or the relationship will die.

 

So you need to put down the virginity gauntlet you are carrying and recognize that virginity is not a prize but just a concept like anything else... For example, as a baby you took your first steps one day. Perhaps your mother missed seeing your first steps because she was at work or out shopping or whatever. Then she later hears someone else witnessed your first steps. Yes, it is valid that she's a bit sad for a few days because she missed that milestone, but she can't spend the rest of her life hating the person who saw your first steps, and working herself up into a emotional tizzy over missing them, or getting angry and yelling at your father because he did something that made her miss your first steps etc.

 

In other words, you shouldn't waste the good things life offers like a great boyfriend over missing a particular event (i.e., being virgins together). Loss of virginity is an event, it's not the holy grail, and you need to put that into perspective. And the only person who is hurting you when you obsess about the past is you. You have to tell yourself that does you no good and in fact wrecks your relationship, so you have to have the discipline to not dwell on it.

 

If you can't control your thoughts or emotions about it, then google 'thought stopping' and start using the technique to quit thinking about this and letting it negatively impact your relationship.

 

And based on experience, i will say that your boyfriend will put up with the drama over this for a while, but he will eventually get sick of being 'blamed' for doing things that most people consider perfectly normal for a kid his age, and that's when he leaves you becuase he is sick of being made to feel like he was wrong or defective somehow when he can't change the past even if he wanted to.

[im_the_undead]

virginity would have been great.. but you know, he didn't have it and it wasn't peaches and cream but i didn't drown myself in misery because of that fact.

i didn't get all pissy UNTIL the girl randomly talked to me.. &then, i saw the girl naked.

after that i realized exactly who she was and...

that's what started all this... i saw what he saw & it hurt.

& she saw him.. who she never cared for, and that made it also very painful.

 

i realize i can't change what happened, but i would have been living peacefully if she hadn't tried talking to me.. or trying to get a sneak peak at my world.

life would be so much better right now, i assure you.

 

all that's left for me to do now is to erase the memory of everything that just happened.

i don't want to see anything i saw in my head ever..

 

other friends have told me about their relationship issues with their bf's "pasts", they all hate it, but if they would actually know or have seen the girl...especially as explisit as i did,they would have flipped.

 

i did obsess about what i saw and the reality of what that meant, i'm trying not to.. but it's not something i can do in a week. it sucks so bad, makes me feel down.. especially about myself i suppose. but i'm reassuring myself constantly that it's whatever, she's whatever, and i won. lol how corney

 

i was thinking, maybe if i weren't such a good girl who always does what she's supposed to and never speaks out of turn [ex.] if i would have ever done something wild in my past which would have hurt him, i wouldn't be holding on to any of these emotions because i would understand that things happen.

 

 

but whatever.

 

* can't afford to see a therapist...

* he won't leave me, no matter how much i try convincing him it's for his own benefit. We are on break though, but even then he'd rather sit around and take the blame than leave. Only chance of that happening is if i "find" someone else.

[im_the_undead]

well, looks like this blog is pretty much done.

everything is repeated. lol

[Oasis_Fan]

if i would have ever done something wild in my past which would have hurt him, i wouldn't be holding on to any of these emotions because i would understand that things happen.

 

I feel that exact same way. I woke up this morning and just cried my eyes out thinking about my boyfriend's wild past and my ...nothing? I feel like if I had a past like him -I wouldn't be hurt much at all.

 

Some days I feel great about my life and other days I feel like crap. Because of his past to be honest. As stupid as that may sound to some people.

 

I don't think anyone who feels feelings need a therapist. If they are becoming unhealthy they do, but just because someone is hurt, well, they're just hurt and that's it.

 

I think it will take time. Some days I want to die and other days I want to just hold him. How much sense does that make? But I know I'm just hurt and that's it. Like you. Pretty much over the same thing. Time will make it better, I'm pretty sure. And ignorance.

[Suesser Tod]

I feel that exact same way. I woke up this morning and just cried my eyes out thinking about my boyfriend's wild past and my ...nothing? I feel like if I had a past like him -I wouldn't be hurt much at all.

 

So you feel bad because you were smarter than others? That's an interesting concept. But I know that's not it, you're thinking about it more in revenge terms than anything else ("So you did X, well I did Y, take that!). That just goes to show you how everything can be twisted, it's up to you to give it a positive twist.

 

Why are you hurting yourselves with your boyfriends pasts? Those pasts are exactly why they got to be with you, take away that past, and you wouldn't have the person that you fell in love with. Everything we do relates to our past, how we "perceive" our environment is tainted by our previous experiences. So maybe even if you thought he looks cute and you wanted to be with him, without that previous experience, he wouldn't want to be with you.

 

I know you're pretty young, and you've got to learn to deal with this. The older you grow, the bigger the past becomes.

 

And there is a little detail you seem to be missing, when you did it, it made sense to you. Right then, at that moment, it was the right thing to do. That's what matter.

 

That being said, I rather stay away from this thread, as all you're doing is feeding each other's misery.

[Ms Darcy]

That being said, I rather stay away from this thread, as all you're doing is feeding each other's misery.

 

Agree on this. There are options for professional help if you can't afford it. Other than that, it's talking in circles.

[im_the_undead]

love how we all agree, hop off the thread tod.

[Suesser Tod]

love how we all agree, hop off the thread tod.

 

Oh, trust me, it's not me who you should worry about. It's the bitter person in the mirror that you should be afraid of.

[OptomisticGirl]

Would I be okay with finding one of my fiance's exs nude on a computer or something? No, of course not. But I wouldn't let it comsume me. It's just not healthy. Yes I would think about it for a few days, maybe even get a tad depressed, but in the end, like Todd said, the past is what makes you who you are today. Without his past my fiance wouldn't be who he is, and without mine, I wouldn't be who I am.

 

You know with my first relationship I was the none virgin, he was a virgin. For years it bothered me that I wasn't able to give someone I actually cared about that. And yeah, while it would have been super unrealistic and sweet to want that with my fiance as well, knowing we have both been with other people doesn't bother me in the least bit. If anything I'm glad we were!

 

Lavanderdove gave some awesome advice a few posts back (I can't rep you again. -.-), take that heart. She made some great points, especially with examples like your child's first steps and what not. Not saying virginity can't be important but in the grand scheme of things, it isn't because there are VERY few good men out there in the world.

 

Try looking at it this way. The girl wanted a peek into your life. Why would someone want to do that? They are JEALOUS.

[Oasis_Fan]

Oh, trust me, it's not me who you should worry about. It's the bitter person in the mirror that you should be afraid of.

 

Wow you're such a great help.

 

Have you been through this? Most likely not. So do you understand? No. Some people have been there and been through it. I'd like to hear from those people, not you. Not someone who calls us bitter and miserable.

 

I hope the next time you have a personal problem, someone calls you names too.

[tinkerbellkj]

People have pasts. 90% of the time you’re not going to end up with someone you met as a toddler and shared all of your life experiences with. It’s just not going to happen. You entered a relationship with the full realization that this person had a past, and past partners. You chose to sleep with him and to become his girlfriend regardless of the past. If you can no longer deal with the decisions that you have made entering the relationship, and the decisions that he has made in his past, you need to end the relationship.

 

Because you put such a weight on virginity (which is fine, that’s your decision) you are not going to ‘get over’ his past and the fact that he is not a virgin. It will always haunt you, and your relationship will demise because of it. I agree with the other poster who stated that eventually he WILL get sick of the drama and he will leave. Maybe he’s feeling guilty right now (though I don’t believe he should be) but he will get over that and eventually over you.

 

It is not your boyfriend’s fault that this girl messaged you. He did not ask her to, nor did he (I am very sure) want her to. Most men do not want to mix their past with their future. As for this girl messaging you on facebook, was it right of her? Absolutely not. But guess what? You can’t control other people’s actions, just like you can’t control what happened between your boyfriend and her in the past. You are the only person that you can control and you really need to focus on that.

[Suesser Tod]

Wow you're such a great help.

 

Have you been through this? Most likely not. So do you understand? No. Some people have been there and been through it. I'd like to hear from those people, not you. Not someone who calls us bitter and miserable.

 

I hope the next time you have a personal problem, someone calls you names too.

 

Of course I've been through that. It's part of life. But if you keep wallowing and get yourself stuck, you won't let yourself heal. (Go search my posts, in fact I'm currently separated of my wife).

 

When relationships end, you have to move on, and you have to learn to accept that they WERE. Back then, it was good for you. If you start looking back in anger, you'll turn bitter.

 

While you are still holding on to your past and your BF's past, looking back in time, the future will run over you, and you won't be able to see it. Thats the worst feeling of all, when you finally let yourself heal and find out what you had been missing out. Moving on with your life is hard, takes a lot of effort, and none of you is helping each other by feeding more misery, in fact, all you've done here is a little support group so you can feel miserable, avoid moving on, and get some validation.

 

By the way, I didn't call you bitter or miserable. I said you were feeding each others misery, not that you were miserable. And the exact phrase had something to do with the "bitter girl in the mirror" which is a metaphor for the future...

 

You just read a few things, and chose to feel bad about them, even twisting them to make them feel more insulting to you. I know, it's easy to play the victim part, where the world does all the wrong to you, you're never at fault, thus you don't have to change... it's the world that hurts you.

[Oasis_Fan]

Oh, I thought you were just trying to make us feel worse.

 

So did this issue cause your break up?

 

I know it takes time and healing. But it's good to talk to others who understand. Someone who can listen and know exactly how you feel. It's good to know you're not alone. That helped me not feel so bad about myself.

[im_the_undead]

i feel better.

i dont like it the situation & it's not cool, but im getting past the hurt.

yay ^.^

 

but boo for feeling hurt & what not. that's never fun...

 

 

anyway, God forbid that those who dont understand at all have to walk a mile in our shoes.