First date opinions... dunno how interested he is

[Nixee]

Hmm..ok... well I guess this is comforting to hear again (I mean... in addition to what he kinda already confirmed to me)

 

And in his case, I am fairly certain that physical appearance was not a factor. He told me things on a few occasions pretty straight to the point such as "you looked lovely" and "you are quite pretty" or just flirty comments about imagining me in my swimsuit as it was a hot day and stuff like that.

 

So basically, I believe him about dating the other girl. I truly do feel like there was mutual attraction between us, and I don't think there is anything shady going on here.... I just came into the picture too late. Sad for me.

[annie24]

oh that sucks. I'm sorry. if it makes you feel better, the same thing has happened to me. Oh well, not much you can do. sometimes they just meet someone they like even better. you never know, he might call you should they break up. but i guess forget about him now and move on. oh well. i feel ya.

[MrRight]

I am sorry for that. Now you can move on.

 

Listen typically this is not related to who got to him first. This is like a job interview process. The order does not matter. That does not necessarily mean the other girl is better than you. It just means she relates more to him in his views.

 

The other day i got dumped and lost for a guy 11 years older than me. I was told i dress too well, i like clean houses, do not like tattoos and i am against dogs sleeping in my bed. So that feedback made me understand that losing a competition for a date does not mean i am inferior.y

 

 

OTE=Nixee;4411589]Hmm..ok... well I guess this is comforting to hear again (I mean... in addition to what he kinda already confirmed to me)

 

And in his case, I am fairly certain that physical appearance was not a factor. He told me things on a few occasions pretty straight to the point such as "you looked lovely" and "you are quite pretty" or just flirty comments about imagining me in my swimsuit as it was a hot day and stuff like that.

 

So basically, I believe him about dating the other girl. I truly do feel like there was mutual attraction between us, and I don't think there is anything shady going on here.... I just came into the picture too late. Sad for me.

[Nixee]

I dunno.... As you both say... it may have to do with him just liking her better/more/etc., true... but he told me he had met her first and I kinda get the feeling they had had more time/dates to let things develop. Come to think of it... even when we first started talking on the dating site, he had his parameters set to only looking for friends, not dates...yet he talked to me right away and even asked me out... so yeah, I think he liked me. Almost by the way he acted with me I really got the feeling that he DID really like me and maybe things had even cooled off with her when he went out with me (thinking maybe it was a no-go with her) but that she had come back around to arrange their weekend date - hence putting things on hold with me.

 

Just the way these things work. I don't feel really bruised about it (ok sure... maybe I kinda wish he'd just loved me sooo much after one quick date that he'd ditched her entirely haha... but... if he already had something started with her... its not really realistic I guess).

 

Back to the drawing board for me.... sigh. I think I'm too tired for that ](*,)

[BriarRose]

In the future, unless you are truly looking to make friends, do not respond to profiles where it is indicated they are looking for friends and not dating. You kind of sabatoged yourself. Back when I did on-line dating, I did not respond to profiles seeking "friends" or "hang out". It was okay that they wanted that, but I was not looking for that.

[Batya33]

My two cents - sometimes the initiating you did - to that extent - can make a difference even when the man is trying to decide between two women. When I reconnected wth my husband over a friendly catch up dinner I had just started dating someone (I happened to meet him through a dating site). The first two dates were great and then he started acting pushy/insecure, even possessive - a big turn off to me. When I re-met my now husband, I had gone out with this guy maybe 4 times. My husband and I didn't start dating until about three weeks later at which point I had seen this other guy several times and we had talked openly about his "issues" which he promised to work on.

 

Things were better for a few days then he reverted to his annoying ways. I wasn't as willing to hang in there because I was developing strong feelings for my husband -- and because I really hadn't known this guy long enough to want to put up with that stuff -- but if he hadn't acted as he did it's possible I wouldn't have been as open to feeling the strong sparks I felt for my husband - I'd like to think that it all worked out the way it was supposed to but you never know.

 

This guy probably wouldn't tell you - because it's unnecesarily hurtful - if the amount of contacting you did was a turn off to him - he might not even know himself - but I bet that the other woman let him court her and do more of the contacting in the beginning. Just a hunch. In the future I wouldn't risk turning someone off with all that contacting - that may not have happened this time but I disagree that it was all about this other woman. I also agree it is a mistake to respond to on line dating profiles seeking "friends" or to "hang out". I am sure you'll meet someone very soon!!

[MrRight]

Regarding people who listed hang out or friends on profile, i did that mistakenly. I also see people doing that because initially, thats how all relationships start. So hence my theory that i like to clarify what type of relationship the individual is looking for. I am not sure if one should discard a potential good candidate without asking.

 

Regarding the idea that the horny guy preferred the latter date instead of the former, if that was entirely true, then why he went out with a new girl in the first place. Most of guys (and women) experienced in dating can act so well that you cannot assess how deep that interest is. I have been there before.

[Nixee]

Hmmm.... ok.... as far as the "just looking for friends thing" well... to be fair here... MY profile actually says just looking for friends too.

 

Yet.... he responded to me too.. And he asked me out first. And he bought me dinner and drinks and jumped at the opportunity to meet me... even though it turns out he was already seeing another girl at the time.

 

So I don't really think it is fair to say I shouldn't have responded to him. What I honestly believe happened was that we really did like each other and wanted to explore it a bit... that is all.

 

And well... mine says friends just in the way MrRight suggests - for one.. yes, it is how relationships start... but also because I am very aware that I'm in sort of a delicate emotional state as of late and I'm looking to take things slow getting back into the dating scene. Judging by the fact that he didn't want to date both me and her at the same time either - I'm guessing he is a slow-goer as well.

 

As for the amount of contact being a turn off... I don't know. I guess it will just remain a matter of opinion. I will fully agree that tons of contact from either side can be a horrible turn off. But I guess I do have to defend myself in saying that I hardly chased him or was clingy or scary in any way. I initiated contact a grand total of .. let's see... two times? And each time was several days between... and he did his share of contact up front as well, before I could sense that maybe he had something else distracting him. Sure.... maybe I wasn't a big huge challenge or mystery that he just had to drop this other girl for (and I guess that was a downfall?) but a bombardment of clingyness? Far from it.

So maybe you are right... maybe he really only wanted to chase, even subconsciously. But in that case I would just be left wondering why other things ... like why he was still so responsive to me when I did contact... why he flirted so much even then.... why he seemed so attracted on our date yet DIDN'T seem quick to chase on his own...

But no... to me the way he responded to me was always warm, fast, enthusiastic and positive. It just wasn't chasing because he was unsure. To me that is perfectly in line with what he told me about being involved with another girl and holding back.

 

I'm not really sure I ever had a full chance to win him over in that case... no matter what my contact level with him was. I think it all hinged on what his contact level with HER was. But... that is just my gut feeling... I think he already had some feeling invested in her. I guess we will have to disagree

 

Either way though... I liked him and I'll have to wish him well... but in secret I guess I'll have to wish things don't work out for them haha

He actually did say he'd contact me if they didn't.. normally I'm not sure I'd believe that... but he actually seemed earnest, so who knows.

 

But again.... on to whatever is next I suppose.....

[Batya33]

Sure, we can disagree of course. I never responded to profles that wrote "friends first" or "friends" because I was looking for a serious relationship and the "start out as friends" is redundant and implies or gives the impression of cynicsm - "I have been burned by jumping into bed too fast so I don't trust dating as a way to get to know someone as both friends and for romantic potential". Or, it meant that they were looking for something casual. Your level of interest in this guy seemed far from casual.

 

As far as his level of interest - I would discount any interest shown prior to meeting in person - it has basically nothing to do with chemistry or clicking for dating purposes and I don't mean because of "looks". And, likewise, it's easy to have a magical first date or second date so I would resist the temptation to read into those early dates potential for interest down the line. Just have fun on those dates and if he asks you out again you will know he is interested in having another date.

 

I don't think he wanted to chase you or wanted you to be a mystery - but I bet that he feels more comfortable with a more traditional "guy does more of the contacting in the beginning" and my guess is the other woman allowed him to have that role. Of course you didn't stalk him but those early contacts are meaningful and trigger strong first impressions both bad and otherwise. Most couples remember exactly how that all went down in the beginning - it's part of their courtship story and often has nothing to do with "chasing".