4 year relationship ended... Not able to cope

[a_little_sparrow]

I think having the cats at another friend's is perfect. It gives you an excuse to go visit the cats and a friend! And it means that you can remove yourself as much as possible from his life, and let him think/"live the single life." Whatever that's supposed to mean.

 

About your friends moving in there: I definitely understand the impulse to look after him--after all you haven't quit caring for him. Just be careful how much you allow your world to intersect with his. I think, though, that whether your friends move in with him or not, you should take up the other friend's offer to watch the cats. You definitely want the chance to go visit your cats, and that should be independent of how you're feeling about him, or the situation there.

 

And yes. The month-to-month deal sounds really great. It will make moving out much easier for you to do, because it won't seem like you're making a 6-month or 12-month commitment to stay away from the ex. Just keep yourself protected. Know that he might come back or he might not. The most important thing for you right now is to look at ways you can start building a new life. If that new life includes him in the future, you'll both be better off for the constructive attitude you had toward yourself during your time alone.

 

You seem to making some really significant strides aktrez. You should definitely feel good about that!

[deebee]

Moving in with a friend sounds a good idea. My ex was in a similar situation before we started seeing each other. She had split with her boyfriend but had to live in the house they owned until they found new places. Naturally, this caused her a lot of stress and it was very awkward. She also had three cats to worry about!

 

Initially, they compromised by spending two or three days at a time alone in the house, with the other living with parents or friends. But even that brought with it too much conflict and constant reminders of what was lost. So she took up her friend's offer of moving in with her as long as she needed to whilst in the transition to her own place.

 

When she did move out, she felt a huge relief and more in control, even though leaving behind the home they had bought together was a hard thing to do at the time. Then she had her new house to look forward to and a bright new relationship with me! Obviously, that didn't last as she is now my ex so we'll gloss over that for now...my point is she took positive action and benefitted greatly.

 

I am really sorry it is not working out for you two, I don't understand his attitude. Surely if he has the respect and love for you he claims, he should either commit to you, or leave to 'play the field' if that's what he wants. He can't have his cake and eat it by doing both! I think you will be better off taking control of this situation and moving out and away from him if possible. Being in a new place and not knowing people must make it harder. On the bright side, it does give you a blank slate to start a new and better life!

[Aktrez]

Having a really tough day today. Matt couldn't go to sleep on the couch last night, so, he ended up crawling into bed at around 2am. Woke me up.. and I couldn't get back to sleep.

 

I'm also so worried about not seeing my cats... and not having them sleep with me.. they have kind of been my little watch dogs to keep me feeling ok over the last month. I don't know what I"m going to do without them....

 

 

Again.. just having a very tough day!!!

[a_little_sparrow]

I can understand having a bad day. But I can tell you just from seeing what you wrote yesterday to today, you've really covered a lot of ground. These steps you're making to get out of the house are REALLY hard, and you should be happy with each one you make. Do have any idea when you'll be able to move into your friend's apartment?

 

Also how does it make you feel that Matt decided to come up and sleep with you in your bed? From what you're saying it made you feel kind of uncomfortable. It's OK to tell him that he has to sleep downstairs, or you go sleep downstairs if you don't want to sleep in the same bed.

 

The most important thing right now aktrez is to protect yourself.

[Aktrez]

I can move in as soon as I come back from Maine.. the ONLY big issue is my cats... I just came home from work.. and they came running to say hi.. and I started bawling... it's so hard for me to think I"m not going to have them there to greet me when I come home... that's really tough stuff.

[Aktrez]

So, I hit a pothole in my idea to move out. We had a roomate meeting tonight and looked over the lease. Says you have to give 30 days notice from the first of the month... which means I can't even THINK about moving until August!!!

 

I don't have friends who I can just crash with.. and so, that means I am stuck here....

 

Matt went out tonight. All dressed up.. after our meeting. I don't know where he went, but, all I can think is that he had a date. I saw a piece of paper downstairs with something scribbled on it... and my mind just thinks they are directions...

 

I don't know what to do!!! I"m stuck, and I don't know how to handle this.. I can't have NC if I live int he house.....

[a_little_sparrow]

Aktrez, I'm really sorry to hear about the lease situation.

 

And I'm even more sorry to hear you had to watch your ex go out for a night on the town. And this after he decided to come up and crawl into bed with you at 2am?! This has got to be so confusing, and painful. You're going to need to put those cats on extra special guard duty tonight. They'll keep you safe, just keep them nice and close.

 

In terms of this lease problem, I'm not sure what to say. One thing I think you should make clear is that the two of you cannot sleep in the same bed together. And, the way I feel about it, he's the one who wanted the breakup, he's the one who can keep on sleeping on the couch. He really needs to stick to that, because it only makes everything confusing in the long run.

 

You said in one of your posts that you're going to Maine. When is that? And for how long? I'm hoping that you're going to say you'll be on vacation through most of July--at least for a week? Does he have friends that he can stay with for part of the time? Perhaps there are some nights when he could stay away from the house, with them.

 

Aktrez, I know this has to be so painful for you. And I wish I had something I could tell you that would help tonight pass. I've watched an ex go out the door to be with the man she left me for, and it just kills. The only consolation is that all of this pain right now will go away. And from my experience, your pain will be finished when his is just beginning. My exex that I talked about in an earlier post, the one that I had to live with for the month after our breakup while she was off with this new guy, emailed me a year and a half after everything apologizing for what she had done. A year and a half. She knew what she had left behind.

 

And Matt's going to have a heck of a time when he realizes that he left you behind. And at that point, you're going to be the one in control.

 

I'm really sorry you're having to go through this right now. Just know that things will get better. Let's just say a little birdie told me you're a wonderful person, and things will get better. I promise.

[Aktrez]

Hi there Sparrow. I"m going from the 7th of July to the 12th. So, about a week. Then I'm stuck here. And Reading the lease, it says I have to give 30 days BEFORE I move out.. meaning now.. I can't get out until the 1st of Sept.

 

Matt has no friends here either.. so, no, he can't stay with anyone here. He came up to bed again last night. The problem is that couch is not sleepable. You CAN'T sleep on it. So, I kinda feel bad making him. At the same time, I wake up and just look at him. I'm so attracted to him right now.. and with everything going on in my life and in my heart, I want to just reach over and hold him so close and kiss him. But, I know I can't... and it's the hardest feeling on EARTH to deal with!!

[Kittengirl]

I think this whole situation is a nightmare.Firstly if the sofa is uncomfortable TOUGH! it was his decision so he should live with the hardship, he wants you there for his convenience and doesn't seem too worried that your heart is breaking.How come he has made friends/is dating and you cannot? Are there any people from your work that you could go out with? I moved country's to be with my Ex and then he dumped me but I have more friends than him and have started a new life with a new job and guy and he wanted me back but no way! My life felt over but now I know a man who loves you does not behave in this way and puts your welbeing before his own. I know you love him but that isn't enough! You deserve better, you are clearly a lovely attractive woman don't waste your time on someone who can't give you all you deserve. I'm sorry to be blunt but the 'I need space' rubbish is just his way of saying he wants to go out with other girls and more!

[Aktrez]

Kittengirl,

 

It's hard to explain, but that's not the case with matt. It's not about going out with other girls.. it's just about not being sure that I am the one. He loves me... I know he does.. I can see he does and everyone who knows him knows he does... he is just confused and afraid of commitment.

[Just A Dreamer]

I agree with KittenGirl but i must add some things.

 

Sorry to be hard, but i think that you need a wakeup call !!!

This guy is no good for you.

I would bet anything (and wouldn't loose it) that he's been cheating on you all the time with different women and whenever he get's damped, he goes back to you.

 

Have you no pride?

Do you really want to live miserable your whole life?

Do you really think so little about yourself, that being unhappy is your only option?

 

WAKE UP PLEASE!!! He's not worth it.

Don't waste you life, you won't get another chance.

All he is doing is making you sad and miserable. It that what you want?

 

You deserve better than that, believe me!!!

I know what is to be unhappy, i've been there, and now i'm the happiest man on earth.

 

You could have it too, but wake up and GET RID OF HIM !!!

 

Sorry to be so hard, but you need to close this chapter of you life NOW!!!

 

The pain will HEAL!!!

[Aktrez]

Guys.. seriously.. he is NOT cheating.. You don't know Matt.. and you don't know the situation.

[Carthiana]

It's like this...

 

You don't state something as a fact, if you don't know it, didn't see it with your own eyes.

 

Actions speak louder than words. Obviously there have been less said between you to than probably could have been said during the length of this relationship.

 

We can guess what the weather is like in the area based on the conditions, but only those at that location can tell us if it is raining or sunny. Ya know?

 

It is good of you to think the best in him, but you aren't required to do that, by anyone, unless you yourself are doing that for some reason. You need to determine if that's the best course of action.

[EatZ]

I disagree. From what I can deduct from this situation, Matt is truly and honestly just confused about what he wants and needs his space. There doesn't have to be reasons for him to need this break. The hundreds of other seemingly out-of-the-blue breaks and break-ups mentioned on these forums should be a testimony to that fact. Honest truth is, some people DON'T know why they needed a break, but they feel they have to all the same.

 

I don't believe it hints at anything -- LEAST of all cheating.

 

The sad thing about this situation is the fact that there's no way to put any distance between the two of you, because -- right now at least -- the pain and suffering is coming from seeing him every day. Seeing him seemingly "moving on" and having fun with his life. It's what kills us all. It's what was killing me, till it was out of sight. And now, it's definitely out of mind.

 

The fact that he gets to do this while keeping his best friend around for company and helping to pay the rent (sorry, don't mean it to sound as harsh as it is!), is equally terrible. It's too soon to know what Matt's intentions are, but I don't think giving up on him is all that's left to do just yet.

 

My advice? Keep working towards getting time apart. It's the best thing right now. I know it's hard, but I'm sure someone out there has a suggestion that could end all this!

[a_little_sparrow]

Hey Aktrez,

 

I don't know whether he's cheating or not. But I can be pretty sure that he's not going to really understand what he's missing until you're away from him. I'm sure if you call your landlord today and explain to him or her that you just realized last night that you needed to give a month's notice, but that you still want to move out on August 1, the person would probably be understanding.

 

I can assure you the last thing you want to do right now is stay there until September 1. We all hold out hope that the ex will change his or her mind "before it's too late," and then we continue to extend the date, because we don't want to disappoint our hopes. The fact is as long as you're there in front of him, he's not going to change. Look at his previous actions. He didn't change his mind to move to DC until you were gone for two months.

 

I don't doubt that he loves you, but right now he's showing that he loves himself a lot more. And you need to do the same thing--love yourself. Get out of that apartment for your sake, and for the sake of saving anything that goes with your relationship. He's far too complacent right now. And who wouldn't be. He gets to go out on the town, then he gets to come home and still feel you near him. And he knows you want to be with him so badly. His ego is on overload right now.

 

And I'm sure you want him to feel good about himself, because you care for him. But he shouldn't get to feel good at your expense.

 

At the very least I would suggest you call the landlord and ask if you needed to could you cancel out of your lease today for August 1. Just call him once to find out, and then you'll know whether it's an option or not. I would strongly suggest you take the option if it's offered, but it's better that you find out what you have.

 

The other suggestion I have is that you keep him out of your bed. It's only making things more difficult for you. I thought when I was in your situation that having my ex in bed with me would maybe change her mind. It did nothing of the sort. All that history we had at that point had evaporated, and she was only thinking of her immediate future. If the couch is uncomfortable, have him sleep on the floor. Set up some blankets. Buy an air matress and set it up somewhere. There are plenty of options but he should know that sleeping in the same bed as you is not an option.

 

I hope some of this helps.

[RayKay]

I too would say he probably is not cheating. If he is anything like my ex (and Aktrez, they do seem to be very similar - and both also seem to have given themself this "year"!) he would NOT cheat (if they were cheaters, they would not have broken up with the other in the first place!).

 

I think he is PERHAPS at that point in his life where he realizes that if he stays with you now, he will stay with you forever, and he needs to be SURE that is what he wants, and he needs to be sure that he can make it on his own, and he is with you because he WANTS to be with you, not because he feels like he "NEEDS to be" since he is afraid of being on his own. My ex once told me (before he broke up with me) that he could see being with me short term, and long term, but in the middle it was unclear as he felt he had too many issues - personal ones regarding insecurities, etc to not be on his own for a while. TO be blunt - they want to be selfish for some time, not have responsibilities, not worry about it. It is a case of the grass being greener...but until they walk over there and do know what it is like to lose you, they won't realize that the grass is not so green over there after all, and that they were far more happy in their own yard!

 

I know my ex better than anyone here, I think sometimes even better than he knows himself! I know that as confident as he pretends to be, he is insecure, afraid of failure, dependent on the opinions of others. He is afraid of rejection by others, and by me. I believe that he is very confused right now too. When he started feeling too close to me, he started to look for problems in the relationship, these became barriers to him being able to stay "in love". He admits that those problems were things that he should not have found problems with, and were ones he created in order to find a way out (it is good he recognizes this!). But it helped him to "leave first" rather than risk me leaving him. Sometimes fear makes us do crazy things - like leave the one who loves us the most, and whom we love!

 

I also have faith he will be back in time. Don't confuse this with hope. This is what my heart tells me. BUT, I KNOW it will not be easy for me and will require TREMENDOUS patience, and for you too Aktrez, you really need to sit down and think if this is a relationship you want - or do you want to pursue something that might come easier? You have to really think about it, because it will NOT be an easy road. It can happen, but it will require more strength than you will ever know. Because it will mean going through more hurt, more pain, more doubts. It might be easier to walk away...I know patience for me is a tough thing (I too am given that "year"....a YEAR apart from the one you love is VERY hard, but you have to think in the long term).

 

So listen to your heart and make that commitment to be patient (but still live your life!) or to walk away. Neither is wrong, nor is either right. Only YOU know what you want and are willing to do.

[Aktrez]

Thank you SOO much RayKay!! I think we are both women of rational thought who know our significant others VERY well!!! It sounds like you and I are in the EXACT same position!! And I truly do appreciate your insight!!! Please, keep in touch.. it's so good to hear the thoughts of someone in my shoes!!

[Aktrez]

How do I get over the pain of seeing him every day? That is the one thing I haven't been able to shake yet. I can't get out.. there is no way... I dont' have friends here.. and it's hard making new ones in this area. Not making excuses.. just needing to learn how to heal. I want him SOOO much.. and my heart is breaking every day! It's killing me.

 

I can't sleep.. I eat 1 meal a day because my friends FORCE me to go out at lunch... and I only pick.. I"ve lost about 10 lbs... I just feel like my whole world is ending.. I can't stress how much I love this man!!!

 

He tries to be my friend.. and says "I can't ignore you when we live in the same house Beck, You are my best friend, and I don't want to lose that".

 

How do I pull myself away without pushing HIM away!? How do I heal!?

[RayKay]

I wish I had an easy answer for you Aktrez, I really wish I did - but I don't really know. I don't see my ex EVERYDAY, but I do spend time with him often, and even weekends here and there due to shared cycling interests and thereforeeee going out of town together (next weekend for example we will be). At the end of the month, we even have a 6 day mountain biking trip planned together (we decided to go before we broke up, and decided to still go on it)! It is tough, because when we are together it is truly a wonderful time for us both, we have a lot of fun, a lot of chemistry...but then...we are still not together!

 

I know he wants to be on his own right now, but at the same time he does not want me out of his life! He tells me he hopes things work out with us later, and wants to be friends in the hopes that can happen, but right now he just has to be single, has to know what it is like (as he never really has been single)...and I CAN understand that he does want to be on his own, but I am so worried about the later! I want him to come back to me so much, more than anything! Even if it DOES take time...as long as he was back in the end, you know?

 

I often am very aware that it is not giving him the chance to miss me as he should, and he knows this too - come fall when the cycling season tapers off and he takes Master's classes part time again, it should force us apart more...and I am hoping it gives him more time to miss me! Right now he is in Toronto for a few days due to his grandmother's b-day and since he has friends there I know at nights he is out partying...and it is KILLING me inside at nights wondering what he is doing! I wonder if he misses me as much as I am missing him this weekend! I will "have" to call him Sunday as it is his birthday, but I kind of wish I did not, and that he had to call me when he got back (and I know he WILL contact me, but I don't want to be the first before he even gets back...even if he is out partying, I am hoping he will miss me somewhat!).

 

Aktrez, I really have no advice, because I too am heartbroken, even if I do have faith it does not remove the hurt! It does not take away the loss or the wish he was here right NOW! But he is so stubborn, and I really have to make sure that coming back feels like "HIS" idea, not by manipulating him into it!

 

You know, even if you don't have too many friends (I don't either really, only because I can be a bit more introverted and have passions that are pretty independent) just get out of the house. Take a book and go to a coffee shop, go for a bike ride/hike. Go camping by yourself! Try taking some art classes or something that might interest you. Or heck, join something you think might never interest you just to challenge yourself! Go to a bookstore/library and just read. You don't have to tell him WHAT you are doing or NOT doing. Leave it a mystery. Get in touch with who you are. Build a relationship with YOURSELF. Learn your own inner strength.

 

I spend many MORE hours out cycling (which is a lot, considering how much I did before!) but I am averaging 250-300+ km/weeks on road/mtb! I also still do a lot of yoga (which I have been doing for years) as it brings me peace. I also try and do my art - though when I am sad, it is harder to do, so really I have not been doing much lately. I admit I watch TV as it helps me blank out more and NOT think. I read. I come on here and read other people's stories to make me feel not so alone. I get in touch with my own spirituality (not belonging to any religion per say, but I do have faith in higher powers that guide us and are there to help us).

[Aktrez]

I know he wants to be on his own right now, but at the same time he does not want me out of his life! He tells me he hopes things work out with us later, and wants to be friends in the hopes that can happen, but right now he just has to be single, has to know what it is like (as he never really has been single)...and I CAN understand that he does want to be on his own, but I am so worried about the later! I want him to come back to me so much, more than anything! Even if it DOES take time...as long as he was back in the end, you know?

 

I know EXACTLY what you mean.. I am willing to give him all the space he needs.. as long as he comes back in the end! That's the fear I have too

[densil]

I would just say "be careful". Waiting for someone like you are doing is very admirable however you must consider how its effecting you. I mean you say that you are not eating and are miserable etc etc this is obviously not good. I mean he may take a month, six months, a year, five years or maybe longer! And also if you hang on like you are doing do you think that things will be good? Or will you be paranoid that this will happen again, will you make too much effort to make sure it doesnt happen again? I mean I think the relationship could become very unbalanced.

 

I'm not saying give up hope but look what its doing to you! I think I would try and distance myself from him. And there are other great people in the world, indeed just on this forum, he is NOT the be all and end all. I would try to keep things in perspective - not easy I know. Now if only I could follow my own advice!

 

All the best,

 

densil

[Aktrez]

I feel sick!!! I was just browsing some personals... because my friend thought I should look around... and I found Matt's picture ALL over the net!!! In almost every personals page out there.. And what he says about himself makes me so nauseaus.

 

This is just too much pain for me to bear!!!!!! I can't do this anymore..

[saltwatergirl]

There is nothing you can do to change what he is doing.

 

You must accept that he is not the one for you, and move on. The time has come to stop the madness, and get on with your life. Hard? Yes. Impossible? No.

 

Do not allow his behavior to ruin any more of your life. You are freaking out, but why? This only hurts, it isn't going to kill you. You are in control of yourself. Remember that. Rule your mind.

 

Salt

[Aktrez]

ah, had a really WEIRD night!! I found Matt's profile on about 5 different dating sites.. and that just got me into a panic attack. Then, he came home.. we talked... nothing good came of it. THEN.. he came to bed.. and asked if he could sleep there. I said fine.. that I was awake. And he noticed I couldn't sleep.. so, he asked if it was him.. and I said it was the whole situation.. I was sitting up and he began to rub my back as I just cried. At that time, my friends from NY called, they were here. So, I got myself dressed and together and went down to bring them in.. it was SOOO good to see them. So, the 4 of us chatted for about an hour, they took a tour of the house.. (and LOVED IT!!)

 

We went back up to bed, and I couldn't sleep again. Then, all of a sudden Matt said.. "You need a hug" and pulled me in SOO close!! Then, I started crying.. not saying anything. He started kissing my neck.. and I stopped him. I said.. "I don't want this to be like this tonight and then you go off on a date tomorrow. Are you doing this for me?" he said "I'm not thinking about it.. it just feels right." But, when I began to cry, he pulled away.

 

He sat there for a minute.. and then said "This is so weird.. it's such a messed up situation." another few minutes went by.. and he rolled over, held onto my arm and burried his face in it...

 

Then... we had sex. Neither one of us talked about tomorrow.. or what would come next... but, it's what both of us REALLY wanted then. It was the best sex we have EVER had between the two of us.... soo.. passionate. And when it was over, he just came over and held me SOOO tight.. we went to sleep with his arm around me... and a big smile on my face.

 

Today.. I went out with my friends... and didn't see him or talk to him all day. When I got home... he was just like before.. very quiet and distant... looking for a car. Then we watched a movie... with no holding, hugging... even really looking at me. Then I came to bed.. and he's down in the basement again. Last night seemed SOOOo sincere. I don't know what is going on anymore. I almost feel as though it would be better to just give up... but, deep down... my heart is telling me no. I love him SOOO much and last night was PERFECT! THe best sex.. and closeness I have ever felt.

 

What do I do? Did I do something wrong!?!

[birdgirl]

Why can't you both get roommates?