Should the cheater come clean?

[lillady898]

What should a person do if he/she had once cheated on his/her significant other (not married)? Say it's about a year ago and the cheater has realized how wrong it was and has since fallen deeply in love with this significant other. Also, add in the fact that the significant other has once said that he/she would break the relationship off if the other (whom in this case is the unrevealed cheater) was to cheat on him/her. Should the cheater come clean, anyway, risking the relationship with the person he/she loves, or hold it in? Or any other suggestions as to what this person should do would be fantastic.

[effreyj007]

I would say its best to come clean. If things were ever to take a serious step forward (ie marriage) then that would constantly bee on your mind. If it came out years later and the other person could not forgive you. More is at risk, Especially if children are involved. If you have a stong bond with this person the will most likley forgive you and appreciate the honesty you have aded to your relationship.

[lunatic]

Well I can only say that you really have yourself in a predicament. I would venture to say that he is going to be pissed off at you. I would say if you love him that much then you have to make that decision. As for me I have never cheated in my life so I could not really put myself in this persons shoes.

 

You are definatly going to have to think about this because you are taking a risk of losing him to clear your mind of the guilt. I can't tell you what to do otherwise but, if he loves you then he may find it in his heart to forgive you.

 

Good luck

 

Hubman

[brokenpogostick]

wow, that sucks. i'm sorry you put yourself in that position...being on the other end of the stick (non-cheater) I, myself, cannot say that I would be very forgiving...that is a very very serious thing. That says things about yourself that are beyond explanation...but, that's just me...i can't stand a cheater or being cheated on...you're going to have to make the decision based on how you think he's gonna react.

[sisterlynch]

I am not sure if you are asking if you are supposed to reveal a "one night stand" type of a relationship if you cheated on a partner and then stayed with the partner even though you cheated.

 

Is that the sort of thing that you are asking?

 

I think in this case you aren't supposed to reveal it, even if it is eating you away inside. You cheated, not the partner. Revealing a one night stand that is a year in the past can only reopen old wounds.

 

There may be some mitigating circumstances like if you are going to marry this partner that you've cheated on already, and you would like to come clean before the prenuptuals. That may be a reason to tell your secret. Either way, I think that you should seek counseling and not rely on our word for what you should or shouldn't do.

[Maverick44]

I agree with sisterlynch. You don't reveal it.

 

Even if it is eating away inside of you, who are you healing? Her or yourself?

 

You can make each other happy, right? You made a mistake. Would you do it again? If you are going to do it again at some point, then you STILL don't tell and end the relationship. Love, to me, is knowing you will be tempted and still not giving into the temptation. It's a choice a person makes. It's not automatic.

 

If you want to make things work with this person, then you don't tell anyways because things will most likely end.

 

If you can't live with what you've done, then end it anyways. But don't tell her the real reason. She will not be happy and you are causing her MORE pain and heartache than just breaking things up.

 

Just look to see why you want to tell.

 

Maverick

[lillady898]

Thanks for all your replies! They've helped a ton. And just for the record, the question wasn't neccissarily for me. I can't even imagine cheating on my boyfriend. I'm trying to help a friend out in that situation. And now I can! Thanks again!

[sisterlynch]

Telling may end the relationship, so if the person still wants to have the "partner" in a sense, like a friendship, then they might as well tell.

 

I also kind of a agree with the idea of once a cheater always a cheater.

 

So in that way of thinking, if this is some sort of a transition for the writer and the person just wants to say I did this chaotic action once when I figured you would never know and I have not any reason to leave you or want anyone else, it was just something that happened...then do it, know that it may end the "love" that you and he are feeling.

[Beec]

I've had friends fool around and tell, and it shot the relationship to hell. Uncovering an infidelity does not help. If ever askedpoint blank, then I'd be truthful, but otherwise I'd take it to the grave. Don't tell. If you feel guilty, good. You should.

[redsuede]

First of all, have any of you been cheated on? IF you have, you know its the worst ride of your life. For you not to say anything is living a relationship that is a LIE. Your poor partner has no say in if they want to still be in that relationship, you have taken your partners decisions away and making up their mind about it by staying quiet for YOUR OWN selfish gain. That is wrong and NEVER okay!.. If you went to your partner and said the truth and that you love them, they will see that you are trying to come clean to make a clear path for the two of you, otherwise, the truth will ALWAYS come out.. Plus that if you are a moral person with a conscience, Your guilt will rot at you and thats not good either.. Come clean. You made a mess, now go clean it up.. You will feel much better for it, and it may stregnthen your relationship in the long run.. Not trying to be harsh, but come on people.. quit the selfish rationalizations.

[Scout]

This is definitely an issue that is not black and white. At least not to me. Right now I'm leaning towards: if there is no way the other person will ever find out, than don't tell them. Especially if you know that, except for this screw-up, you are a good partner for this person.

 

And of course, this goes without saying: don't ever cheat on them again, either.

[lillady898]

This situation is very difficult, yet it came to a point where I told my friend to tell the significant other, because I'm pretty sure it'll come out sooner or later (not the type to keep secrets), and it's probably better now than later when they've gotten even more settled down. I also relayed all of the options on here.

 

Does that seem like I said the right things?

[hurtabandoned]

I agree with red. I've recently found out that my husband has cheated on me. What hurt just as much as the cheating itself was the lies that he was telling to cover it up.

 

This person needs to be told the truth. I don't think that it is okay to keep it a secret just because it has been so long. They will be understandibly hurt. But it would be more devastating to have this come out years later.

 

The person that did not do the cheating is owed the truth. Any infidelity is a big deal. This person has the right to here this information and to use it in making any further decisions in this relationship.

[tc]

well, first of all, he/she shouldn't have cheated in the first place!!! whether or not they were "in love" , the fact of the matter is he/she was in a relationship!!!! There is NO excuse for cheating!!! whether it be a "moment of weakness" whether it" just happened", whether it "meant nothing", or whatever, cheating is wrong!!!!

I feel that he/she should tell their significant other the truth and let them decide if they will forgive them for it.

Coming from someone who has been cheated on in the past, it's probably one of the worst hurts that a person can experience and if he/she chooses not to reveal the truth and their significant other somehow finds out, (because the truth ALWAYS comes out in the end), they will be devastated!!! Knowing that the person who claims to love them did that, and then proceeded to keep that from them, it will crush them!!! Because they will believe that the time they did spend together was based all on a lie!!!

 

My advice is to tell your friend to tell the truth, as hard as it may be, the other person involved needs to know so they can make their own decision on whether or not they still want to be in that relationship. It's only fair.

 

A relationship based on a lie is no relationship at all!!! Regardless of how sorry, or regretful the offending party is!!! their significant other deserves the truth!!!

[sisterlynch]

I still say that what you don't know won't hurt you. The person will tell eventually, what she doesn't want to do is tell when everything is going really well in the relationship, that will make him not trust his own feelings.

 

If he finds out some other way, like someone tells him, then she should tell the truth. Don't bring him down.

[Cecelius]

I agree with Red. My rule is if you cheat (kiss, go on a date, have sex) with another guy, that is fine, just enjoy it because I am gone. Why do I have to waste my time with someone who has no character?

 

It is presumptuous to decide in a b/f-g/f relationship that even though you couldn't keep your pants on, you are still a good partner and thereforeee shouldn't burden them with this information.

 

You disclose it immediately because you owe them the opportunity to decide whether to be with you or not.

[lunatic]

I am one for the truth but, I don't know. Cheating is cheating and that is the last word. I have been cheated on and I found out I went nuts with anger. I left her then and there because I will not deal with a cheat. How can you say you love this person but, I slept with someone else. I say it is nothing but BS. If she has this on her/his mind then they should tell and let the chips fall where they will. Cheaters suck and I agree with whoever posted Once a cheat always a cheat.

[Beec]

I think it would be simple to take the route and say once a cheater always a cheater. But that's just not true. I cheated on an ex, many, many years ago, and she never knew. We split for other reasons. The following year, someone cheated on me. Feeling that, well, it cured me of cheating. Have not since with anyone who has called me a bf at the time. So, if you want to indict me for an incident that occurred 15 years ago, go ahead. I think we are all pretty fallable and can screw up given the right circumstances.

 

I also think that if you are going to tell someone that you cheated on them, you had better think about it long and hard and ask yourself why you are doing it. Are you doing it because you feel guilty or to be fair to them? How is that being fair to them? Are they free to dump you like a bucket of trash? Or are you married with kids and a house making any dumping much mroe complicated? Before telling I'd think long and hard.

[brokenpogostick]

thanks for that post, beec. i hear that phrase about once a cheat always a cheat and get worried for my own sake...my bf has apparently cheated on just about every girlfriend he's had, but he says that he was young, didn't care, etc but that has me wondering..does that mean i'm next, etc...it's good to hear from someone that has learned their lesson. it's positive inspiration for me in my current situation.

[Beec]

Your welcome, but be careful.

 

I'd think that if he was about your age that he would be getting to a time when he figured out a few things, like how to control his urges a little more.

[redsuede]

I also think that if you are going to tell someone that you cheated on them, you had better think about it long and hard and ask yourself why you are doing it. Are you doing it because you feel guilty or to be fair to them? How is that being fair to them? Are they free to dump you like a bucket of trash? Or are you married with kids and a house making any dumping much mroe complicated? Before telling I'd think long and hard.

 

When you DECIDE to cheat, you arent thinking of your partner when you do that, but in fairness to your partner that you claim to love so much, you owe it to that person to be honest and fair. Hopefully both will apply such as guilt and to be fair to them.. and YES THEY ARE FREE TO DUMP YOU LIKE A BUCKET OF TRASH because that is where you threw them when you cheated, right there in the garbage!!! the person who was cheated on is not making things more complicated, it was when the person decided to take their pants off is when complications started happening.. grab a shovel and clean up the SH** that you dished out, you did it, not the person who was cheated on.. Maybe people should think about having a wife, house kids and not their body parts outside of the love they have at home. Its not fair, its cruel, its mean.. you never know, while someone is out cheating, their partner is clueless, feeling free to feel in love with the person that they are with.. think about it.

[Scout]

Wow. This is why I have serious doubts that the whole theory of monogamy is necessarily a good thing for our society. Too much negativity unleashed when unfaithfulness occurs. And it does occur a lot, because people ARE fallible. I've made mistakes in my past that I sure don't think define me as who I am now.

[Beec]

redsuede, the thing is that people are often are not free to just walk out the door when their lover cheats. Should they be able to kick them to the curb? Sure, I know I would if someone did it to me, at least I'd want to. But when you have a spouse, property, family, etc., soemtimes it is not so easy. Cheating is not fair, it is cruel, mean, etc. It is not right and I won't defend it. It's not defensible, unless you are in an "open" relationship. But confessing about the cheating is nto always right either.

 

I have known those who confess within a week, and it certainly was detrimental. A good friend cheated. Do I blame the cheater entirely? No, because when you withhold sex from your spouse for long enough, you should expect them to go elsewhere. Would I absolve or think ti was justified? No. But confessiing because the cheater "felt too guilty to keep it in." That was not right either. That guilt should have sat and burned for a while. They are still together, and the confession certainly did not help.

[still_hopeful]

i know this is a really old post, but im gonna reply back to it because i just got cheated on. he actually broke up with me using the excuse i wasnt ready for commitment and that he wasnt good enough for me. I found out he cheated on me two weeks later the break up because i found out i got an std. To this day, he finally came cleaned after i yelled and screamed for him confess. I had to know who and how many partners. Sad thing was he was not apologetic, didnt give me a reason as to why. all he had to say was it happened once, had oral sex and that was it. I believe as the one cheated on, it is only fair to confess to the other person, although it will hurt like crazy but it helps the cheated to have some closure.

[Kantriakhor]

What should a person do if he/she had once cheated on his/her significant other (not married)? Say it's about a year ago and the cheater has realized how wrong it was and has since fallen deeply in love with this significant other. Also, add in the fact that the significant other has once said that he/she would break the relationship off if the other (whom in this case is the unrevealed cheater) was to cheat on him/her. Should the cheater come clean, anyway, risking the relationship with the person he/she loves, or hold it in? Or any other suggestions as to what this person should do would be fantastic.

 

Yes, yes, and yes!

 

The one being cheated on has the right to make an informed decision about their relationship with full disclosure. Avoiding telling them in order to "spare them" or "spare the relationship" are little more than contrived excuses cowards have used to rationalize saving their skin.

 

It'll hurt, yes, but honesty is what matters, and down the road the one being cheated on will likely find out, only way to keep a secret is if only one person knows.