This will minimize the chance of reconciliation?

[baxxter]

Hi All>

 

So I have accepted to go on a date from a guy whom I met a day after my BU. (He only asked me out about a week ago.) I am not totally over my ex, but I am healing and looking into my future without my ex, yet not dismissing the idea of reconciliation. But I am NOT waiting around for my ex. Does that make sense? because that's where I am at now.

 

I am at peace with myself and willing to get out and about, and who knows, this new guy might be the right one for me.

 

Anyway, so I am going out tonight, yet cannot help but wonder if I am terminating the chance of reconciliation by going on a date?

 

I know I shouldn't care about my ex's feeling at this point, he left me stating we are not good match, but it's only been 1 month and if he ever finds out he will use it against me, using it as a reason he will not get back with me etc.

 

Do you think, not just me, but in general, moving on with someone else diminishes the chance of reconnecting, and actually make your ex want you back less?

[ElleB]

It's a toughie. But... the black and white of it is you're single. You can do whatever the hell you please. And acting in your ex's interests goes against the notion of moving on. There is no guarantee of a reconciliation, yet there is a guarantee of this date.

I feel the weirdness too. Have yet to go on a date, but if I wanted to I could easily find someone else, but have chosen not to. Not just because it's too soon and I need to heal, but that I don't want to betray myself as such because I still do love my ex, if that makes sense?

 

With one of my past exes (not this current idiot..) I had a rebound relationship in between and it didn't seem to bother my ex. It was simply, draw a line under it, start afresh.

 

I wouldn't NOT go on the date for the sake of keeping the slate clean with your ex though... as I say, no guarantees. Besides, sometimes (and not tempting fate here!) but sometimes people only realise what they've lost when they look completely unavailable, i.e, when someone else has them.

 

I'm glad you are looking forward and making steps into your future without your ex. I wish you the best of luck

[LousySpy]

I personally feel you need to think long and hard again about this one.

 

First of all, you are clearly not over your ex. You say that you're not waiting around for him, but from this and your other recent posts you are harbouring the idea of a reconciliation more than I think you're letting on.

 

Secondly, I'm disturbed that you seem to have no concern for this new guys feelings. The guy's obviously keen and there's every chance he could get burned here. You may well have even made your position clear to him, and he may well have said he's cool with it. But there's every chance that he has his hopes up more than he's letting on.

 

This seems to me like a classic rebound situation and is ripe for hurt feelings. Just saying.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I personally feel you need to think long and hard again about this one.

 

First of all, you are clearly not over your ex. You say that you're not waiting around for him, but from this and your other recent posts you are harbouring the idea of a reconciliation more than I think you're letting on.

 

Secondly, I'm disturbed that you seem to have no concern for this new guys feelings. The guy's obviously keen and there's every chance he could get burned here. You may well have even made your position clear to him, and he may well have said he's cool with it. But there's every chance that he has his hopes up more than he's letting on.

 

This seems to me like a classic rebound situation and is ripe for hurt feelings. Just saying.

 

I totally agree. Anybody who is still hoping for reconciliation with the ex is not at all ready to date.

[baxxter]

Well, I think we are feeling pretty similar. I wouldn't want to wait for someone just because he left without trying, and I think I am looking into future without him. But I see so many people complaining on this forum that their ex took up with someone within 2 months of BU and seems like it's not acceptable??

 

Just wondered, you know...

 

 

 

 

I've never left anyone, they all left me, so I think I am incapable of burning him, haha. All seriousness I wouldn't have said yes if he was all that keen. And, no, I have not told him about my BU in details, but just said I am not in a good place so need to take it slow.

 

***

BTW, date's cancelled now, he txted saying he is not well, and went on asking if I'm free next few days (which I already said I wasn't.) I can't stand guys who can't be bothered to remember the other's schedules, so I said bye.

***

 

Again, I see so many ppl complaining how soon is too soon etc. so wondered if moving on actually is effectively removing your chance with exes, IF they are meant t come back. Not just in my case, but in general?

[baxxter]

I meant I never left relationships.

Can't even begin to imagine what it is like to dump someone...

[JonasWaingaro]

 

Again, I see so many ppl complaining how soon is too soon etc. so wondered if moving on actually is effectively removing your chance with exes, IF they are meant to come back. Not just in my case, but in general?

 

I think the short answer is no. IF they want you back nothing, I mean nothing, will stand in their way. If they really want you they will find you. Thing is they don't. They walked away for a reason and honestly, that doesn't seem to change much. Sure some do reconsider and come back. But think about it, the overwhelming majority of break-up are permanent. Took me a long year to figure that out. Do yourself a favor and don't take that much time. It does no good in the end. You know? My advice would be let go and live your life. IF it's meant to be, he will find you. But if you really do let go don't be surprised if you don't really care anymore. =)

[doiiiieeezie]

You know what, go out and have fun, but be honest with the man. Expect nothing because it is just a first date. There is a flip side to what is being said... in one corner you need to move on, and in the other you feel the guilt. Regardless if you two ever get back together or not, you shouldn't let that stop you from living life. This would not hinder you from reconciliation, but I would not engage in a relationship knowing that your heart is still with another person.

 

Anyway, have fun and let us know how it went

[LousySpy]

I've never left anyone, they all left me, so I think I am incapable of burning him, haha. All seriousness I wouldn't have said yes if he was all that keen. And, no, I have not told him about my BU in details, but just said I am not in a good place so need to take it slow.

 

Again, I see so many ppl complaining how soon is too soon etc. so wondered if moving on actually is effectively removing your chance with exes, IF they are meant t come back. Not just in my case, but in general?

 

You seem like a smashing person, so I've no doubt you wouldn't be capable of burning anyone...intentionally, anyway But he could too easily get burned by the situation due to how confused you still obviously are. I'm sure this date (if it now happens, of course could go swimmingly and be great fun for you both. As could the next 5 or 6. But what happens when the guy gets more and more attached, then the ex you're obviously still pining for drops back into the picture? Maybe the new guy could sweep you off your feet and make you think ex who? But maybe not. I just personally think you should be in that latter frame of mind on your terms anyway before you lead anyone else along, that's all.

 

Also, moving on doesn't mean getting with someone else. So in response to the bottom paragraph; my limited experience has shown me that moving on is a win win situation. If they don't come back, you get to...yep, move on! And if they do, you've moved on to the perfect vantage point to rationally decide whether you do want to give it another crack or not. I honestly believe that reconciliations only work out in the long run if you've both moved on from the first break and are re-stabilised enough to resolve the issues that caused the initial break up.

 

All the best anyway, just my personal point of view

[baxxter]

I am taking in all your advices, thank you xxx

 

>>>

Thanks for the sarcasm, or not, Lousy,

 

Moving on never means getting on with someone new, no, everyone knows.

 

Lousy, nobody fancies me that much. My ex couldn't love me after 14 months. 14 months! I am love proof. I am shag-able, but not love-able, if you get my meaning? I bet you my Lloyds TSB bank account that this new guy will never fall for me. I am distant to be a hag.

 

I agree with win-win (God, would anyone say that in England??) that is why I am not waiting around for my ex. I am thinking for the best in everyone's interest.

 

I have been in MANY terrible relationships, men walked ALL OVER me, and I have no idea how I feel about mate any more because I wasn't allowed to feel my feelings with them. I just do my best to be a good person, and never do any harm for anyone, like you said, intentionally. I think my ex ought to rethink, and if not that's fine.

 

Anyway, it wasn't about me, this thread, it was more of general wondering.

[baxxter]

You know what, go out and have fun, but be honest with the man. Expect nothing because it is just a first date. There is a flip side to what is being said... in one corner you need to move on, and in the other you feel the guilt. Regardless if you two ever get back together or not, you shouldn't let that stop you from living life. This would not hinder you from reconciliation, but I would not engage in a relationship knowing that your heart is still with another person.

 

Anyway, have fun and let us know how it went

 

It's turning out to be tricky, I am being honest but he is acting off beat, so can't pick up his vibe.

 

But yes, I will lay all my cards. Don't wanna hurt this man.