from married to divorced in 30 seconds

[sweety74]

Well my marriage is coming to an end. We have been married for 9 years and the beginning of our relationship was a fairytale.

We had both been in very unhappy relationships and treated badly by our ex partners when we met.

My husband was the most gentle, loving man I had met and at first I found his kindness overwhelming compared to what I had experienced in the past.

I was very loving back and we had one of those sickly relationships that made other people jealous, we were always holding hands and making gooey eyes at each other, we went to fabulous places for romantic weekends away, it was wonderful.

Then the reality of a long term relationship - marriage and kids, buying a home - during that journey our relationship has just gone downhill. First hiccup, a violent outburst from my husband who threw an alarm clock accross the room when I gave him a nudge one morning because he just ignored the alarm and I was worried he wouldn't wake up for work. He got the expected response from me that day and in the evening he was upset and worried I would leave him. That didn't happen but I did express to him that what he had done was not normal behaviour.

Second thing - when I first became pregnant and was a little hormonal and probably overreactive, an argument happened, over housework, resulting in him punching a cupboard in our rented home, and needing to repair it. After a few tears on my part and a missed party of a close friend due to the argument, it was smoothed over, but not forgotten by me.

Third event, moving out of one of our houses to another one. Husband had insisted on doing the job without help, time was getting short, he got stressed a bike got slammed into the back of the moving truck. NO regard for the bike at all, even though it was his son's prized item.

 

We haven't had the easiest of times, we entered into an arrangement with my brother in law to live in and renovate his home, to receive payment towards our own home at the end of 12 mnths as long as we had improved the value of his home with our renovations, which we were to pay for, along with rent. We had a newborn baby, I couldn't work, he worked day and night shift and we only just got by from week to week. We were both exhausted and I was practically a solo mum.

Next we were able to move into a house in my hometown which we were both reluctant to do but we felt a home anywhere was better than continuing to rent in the city. The idea was to do the house up and move out after a year. As it happens money was tight as my husband had decided to try self employment and it didn't work out so we only had my income as I was now working part time. We could barely afford to live let alone do up our own home and were wondering if we would ever be able to move out. SInce then we have come right financially - enough to do the basic renovations and try and sell the house and get out of this town which is renowned for suicides and marriage breakups just because once you move here it becomes very difficult to get out. The cost of living is high and wages are low, etc. etc..

The house has not sold after three years and it has been stressful as neither of us wants to be here, want to sell up and get on to a better life.

 

I have tried my best to try and work past the frustrations we face and try to be happy despite everything and just get on with what needs to be done until we can move.

He has gotten more and more bitter, moody and more prone to verbally lashing out when things get on top of him.

The worst incident was a day when he was already stressed, I disagreed with him on something to do with our son's behaviour, he punched a wall that I had just finished painting, ruining the wall of course, I stormed out with my son, went to hop in the car, he stopped me and told me I shouldn't drive when I was upset, I tried to grab the pram to walk instead, he got it first and threw it accross the driveway. That was the end for me. I was ready to walk, but as usual he smoothed things over so we could continue our marriage again, at least until the next outburst.

I have been in survival mode, trying do all the practical wife and mum things and the affection towards him has been lacking, particularly after one of his outbursts, it just makes me detach from him emotionally. There has been hardly any intimacy as I have too many other things on my mind. He makes such an issue about the lack of intimacy that It has just become a chore - something I need to do to put him in a good mood or make sure he does'nt look for it elsewhere.

We have had at least one doozy of an argument every three to four months, starting with him making some unreasonable or nasty comment, me refusing to speak with him, it gets to the point where we have decided to call things quits, have a conversation where he at no point apologises but does say he wants us to be together, not after he has pointed out all my faults and the reason why the original argument was my fault.

I have lost communication with lots of friends as I had been so wrapped up in him for the first few years of our time together, I have talked myself out of saving to go overseas, putting our needs as a couple and our family first, I have given up on courses I was going to do as he has made me feel guilty about spending that money on myself, yet he says I never follow anything through and i have no drive to succeed. Im also bad with money, arrogant, inconsiderate, and god knows what else.

I can't remember the last compliment that he gave me that was about my personality rather than my body - he is quite happy to tell me I have nice breasts or my butt looks good in the pants Im wearing, but if I ask him what he likes about me personally, the last answer I got was that he is glad I keep our house nice and we don't live in a pigsty.

 

Me? well Im no angel in all of this either. Everyone in my family since my Dad, has a need to have things a certain way, a daily routine that can't be altered at short notice, a meticulously tidy home. Housework comes first and god help anyone who interupts or delays the housework getting done. I can make people very uncomfortable by fussing around getting everything perfect while they are trying to relax.

Ihave days when Im so tired and irratable that I could make my husband feel like I didn't want him in the same room as me - and to be honest, his presence did make me tense - it has got to the point where although I wouldnt say I didn't love him, I don't feel comfortable getting hugs from him, I just want him to hurry up and let go of me so I can get on with what Im doing.

We had a talk about this and why it was happening, I agreed I had a bit of a problem and I hoped that once our life was a bit better I hoped things would improve.

Things have been going really well of late, everyone has been happy, more work has been done on the house, weve been talking about going to the movies as a family, something we have never done before. My husband has had a quiet time with work and has had a week off and not sure when the work will pick up again, has been at home probably thinking about his whole situation and has gradually over the week become more and more unbearable, short tempered, argumentative, negative. Two days ago when I failed to wake his 15year old son up for school because I was busy with my morning chores, organising our 5 year old as well as myself for work and school, he threw a tantrum, and yelled at me and told me I was "arrogant" for saying I had too much to do that morning to wake up a 15 year old who should have been able to get himself organised. I couldn't believe what I was hearing considering all the things I do for this family including the 15 year old who only came to live with us about 8 months ago. I stormed out in anger, the following was two days of not speaking to each other, when we finally did speak, everything was still my fault and not only was I arrogant on that occasion but I had become a very arrogant person overall over the past few years.

So this is basically what has been happening. At this stage we have agreed we have both had enough, he is the one that said the words "its over" I agreed that had to be and now we are waiting to have some time to sort out what will happen next. I am terrified for my five year old son, it is going to turn his life upside down. I am also scared how my son will be treated by his dad during whatever time we agree that he will have him. I am assuming that I will have custody of my son, I am scared to death my husband will be a * * * * * and try to take him fulltime too because his last partner made custody for their son very difficult, it went through court and the judge was in favour of the mum.

 

To be honest we are both going through the motions of a break up, and in my opinion, each hoping it wont go too far and reconciliation will happen. However I can't forget all the things that have happened in the past - we tend to smooth things over and wait for the next fight so although it is going to be very painful, I think we will both be happier and have the lives we want if we are apart. I just worry for my five year old who will be heartbroken, and the 15 year old who is going to be part of a second relationship break-up

Any comments appreciated.

[d24]

I can't comment on this very one sided series of events as I'm sure you've done much more than you're letting on, and have probably (inadvertantly and unintentionally) made things out to sound worse than they are.

 

That being said, it sounds like he has anger issues, and you have abandonment issues. You're at eachothers throats and it sounds like neither of you think you can, nor really want to fix this.

 

An ammicable parting (staying as civil as possible while doing so) is probably your best bet.

Your son will get over it in time - the more civil you are with eachother the less this will affect him.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It sounds to me like this relationship is toxic. Sadly lots of couples in love at the time of marriage can't make it work once the real responsibilities of a relationship kick in. Ending this marriage is probably for the better.

[maelstrom]

From what I have been reading, violence is learned in childhood and passed on. He can work on that issue but if he isn't, it will probably continue to escalate.

 

I also experience the constant negativity in my relationship. Everything wrong is my fault, I am the one who needs to fix it, if I fix it things will be fine, etc. It's a crock of BS. I am finding that the more I talk to my therapist and try to deal with my issues, the less interested I am in making my relationship work out.

 

I can't give advice about your relationship. 9 years is a long time. I don't think you have made up your mind or you would not be posting here. Maybe take some time off from worrying about the relationship and worry about yourself for a change. Work on your issues and then when you start to make some progress see how you feel.

 

Your children are important obviously, but they would probably be better off in a healthy situation as opposed to an unhealthy one. A strong mother with a good sense of her own worth and healthy boundaries is a great role model for them.

[amani33]

i wouldn't say this relationship is toxic, i would say this is pretty common, even normal. your story is very real life, very candid. this is what marriage is all about a lot of times. happy marriages are not a given.

 

my comment is, i think you should practise forgiving more. i mean, i feel that you kept score, you actually remember when he made the first punch, second punch etc.

[AndiD]

Do you have any relatives nearby who could watch the kids for a weekend? It sounds like you two might benefit from going off somewhere just the two of you (out of the house). If money is an issue, do you like camping? Somewhere quiet, with no kids. Money stresses are a killer in a relationship. It can make a guy feel emotionally like he's less than he should be, so to speak. Not logically, but emotionally. Money problems almost tore our marriage apart, years ago, before we figured out what was going on. Actually, now that I think about it, it probably was right around the 9 year mark.

 

But when both people really want to solve the problems, sitting down and really exploring openly where the problems really lay can help. It's hard to avoid being defensive - and for me, it was even harder to avoid laying blame. And I don't think I'm explaining the whole thing well - but essentially, for us anyway, really exploring not just the "the upsets me" by the "why" behind it - why certain individual things were upsetting - really solved a lot of problems. And later, when one of us started doing something that was really based in something else entirely, the other could recognize it and head it off, and respond to the real problem rather than the "cover" problem so to speak.

 

That may not apply to you, but if both of you are at that semi-desperate place of wanting to fix things but being too filled with hurt and insecurity, etc., an agreement to step out of the situation for a couple days and approach the issue from a place of analysis rather than emotional hurt - well, it worked well for us. It didn't fix everything in a day or anything, and it was two steps forward one back - but it was the catalyst that allowed us to learn to communicate with each other. We certainly fight now, of course, but its totally different, and when certain lines are crossed, we can cross back, if that makes sense. But both people have to be dedicated to it. It can't just be you, or you'll have nothing but frustration. We tear each other down with stress without realizing it. Both people making a mental commitment to themselves to build the other one back up - and learning how the other one needs to be built back up - made a huge difference for us.

[mandyc]

I know you said money can be tight, but it would be worth looking into a marriage therapist in my opinion. It seems like you have gotten so caught up in the hecticness of life that you have put your relationship with your husband on the back burner. Reprioritize things. Instead of constantly worrying about the house being clean take some time to just sit with each other and watch a movie or go for a walk. It doesn't sound like anything to horrible or unfixable has happened. Think hard about what you really want. If you want to save your marriage then things are ovbiously going to have to change. But it is possible... good luck and let us know how things go.

[sweety74]

thanks Andi and Mandy.. thats sort of what I was wanting to hear if Im completely honest.

I just can't seem to get past the fact that my husband, whenever we have these upsets, just picks and picks at me and all my faults. Whether its because their is some truth in some of the things he says, Im not sure. BUT it would be nice at some stage to hear some nice things that he has to say about me. If there is nothing he actually can find that he likes about me then why stay together? This sounds narcisisistic, but I do think your partner should admire and respect you. There are certainly things I admire and respect about him and I do tell him frequently what these are.

 

As for sitting down and trying to repair the marriage, I think the wheels are already in motion for a split, so the next conversation we will be having is deciding who will live where and what sort of custody arrangements we will organise. Im sad, but I feel that if he only wants to focus on the negative things and not take some time to think about whether there is anything good for him in this marriage, then his mind is made up. Its too late to stop this from going any further so now I am just going to have to live with whatever happens. My main thought is that hey, if the unthinkable happens and we do decide to stick together, how long before the next outburst? How long before we are at each others throats again.

 

I had always said that I would try counselling before giving up on a marriage, but nothing has been said about that by either or us