This one is to the Ladies

[terry210]

Are there any girls out there who had boyfriends that treated them bad (not abusive - but more unaffectionate and/or uncaring, or uncommitted) and still want them back?

 

I just wanted to see if I could find a pattern emerge, Because it seem's that the nice guys are the ones that get dumped and hurt, and it's the 'not-so-nice guys' that are the heartbreakers.

[Roasted Carrots]

Unfortunetly, yes, and I'm sure many girls here have been in a bad relationship and decided to come back.

 

The bad news: Girls are attracted to "bad boys" for several reasons. One is they could be going through a rebellious stage...trying to get back at a parent or friend. Sometimes it's biological. In the wild, females only mated with the biggest, strongest, and baddest boys who had to fight (and win) for her.

 

The good news: Girls need and want (even if they won't admit it) the "nice guys". You nice guys are the ones we end up marring and having memerable, "real" relationships with.

 

More bad news: To all you "nice guys" out there, here's a tip. Don't take any crap from us when we're off flirting with bad boys. I'm not saying don't be our friend, but rather don't drop everything and listen to our problems. When that happens, our emotional quota is satisfied by you while our physical needs are satisfied by the bad boy. I reccommend confessing your feelings to your girl and quit being the friend who drops everything.

 

If you know a girl who's going back to a "bad boy", don't accuse her. That will make her go defensive. Another reason we go back is because we feel we're going to be the girl who "changes" the bad boy and turn him into the nice guy we want. The best-case senario is to let her know you don't approve and that you have romantic feelings for her. Once she gets burned by her bad boy, most likely she'll come running back to you.

 

This post was half-ranting but I hope I helped somebody

[enchanter]

My current boyfriend was wonderous for the first few months, then turned into that horrible boyfriend you speak of. Never called, always out and he even cheated on me. When I found all of it out and told him I didnt need that in my life, he dropped everything and now he is great. I believe that some people deserve another chance because he completely rearranged his life and got rid of the bad influences.

 

I do think a lot of nice guys get the bad end of things. Personally Im very drawn to nice guys and have learned the bad boy is nice to look at but not to be with. Something nice guys tend to do is always say they get thrown aside. If a girl does that, why would you want to be with her anyway?

 

Everyone finds someone eventually.

[brokenpogostick]

I'm sorry to hear that, enchanter. I feel the same way. My relationship started out perfect, like out of a movie. he was always attentive, affectionate, a real gentleman. now, he's none of that. he likes to stay out, acts like it's a big deal to spend one on one time with me and i am just kind of miserable. I want it to work out, i really do...but there's just this feeling i get every once in a while that tells me...what the hell are you thinkin anyway...

[Francis]

I agree that girls who are attracted by bad boys are rebellious and even self-destructive, but everybody can make mistakes.

 

I started dating very late (overprotective parents) and when I did I had already heard all the horror stories from my girlfriends. So I never wanted to date any bad boys and I actually had two very nice bfs.

 

However, my last bf even though he seems like a nice guy, three degrees, only showed his colours after eight months in the relationship. I made him wait six months before we had sex! (I'm so cautious) but he turned to be verbally abusive, raises easily his voice, does not allow me to voice my own opinions. I know he does not do this on purpose. He is very attached to me, calls me all the time.

 

I grew very attached to him and for many years (together 3.5 yrs) I thought I could not live without him. Since December, I managed to stop sexual relationships with him (he never said anything) but I still see him every day and we have a lot of fun, especially now that he is scared I'll leave him. But I know I will never be happy with him. He never helps around the house, we don't live together, but he comes to my place all the time, and he barely helps me with anything.

 

I know I will never marry him, but it is difficult to leave him especially that we share the same friends now. But I will leave him, believe me!

 

I hope that helped. Take care!

[Mix Maxster]

Francis, what if the guy you're with now or whatever ended up changing that and I mean really changing it. Say you were afraid or felt that he'd never change what he was doing (abusive, never helping out.) what would you do if he changed all that? say all that which you felt were big issues were resolved when he finally did something about it and shaped up. I guess my point is that what would he NEED to do to make you rethink what you said and feel he is marriage material. I'm curious to know.

[detox5]

Dunno if this is the right reply, or if im in the right situation, but me and my girl split because she needed space, I fear I pushed her too far always telling my feelings for her, it was my way of crying. She would ignore me for months then she would get in contact with me again and then I would blow it and tell her I like her alot, and then back to square one, she has had rubish bf. I was too nice for her and I treated her like my princess, I tried to give everything she needed, I know she appreciated it all, im just wondering, will they ever think jesus im gonna loose this nice guy if im not careful, girls does it work like that? Will she see that im just soo in love with her and catn help it?

[Francis]

Hi, Mix Maxster:

 

I find my bf is very controlling and has a tendency to raise his voice whenever I don't agree with him : "YOU COULDN'T BE THINKING THAT ...!" or "CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT ...!" all the time and he won't stop bashing the police, prosecutors and the government, rambling on and on.

 

He always brings these subjects up, for I try to avoid them : I am not really interested in discussing about that. Also, the fact that he is always bashing the police means that he has a problem with authority.

 

Since he changed : he does not bring up these subjects anymore, but he still sends me articles through e-mail against the police, etc. although much less than before. So now he is acting nice because he is forcing himself not to talk about the subjects he loves. But I can tell that deep inside nothing has changed.

 

Just on Friday we went to this restaurant and he was talking about the fact that every perfectionist person is a potential dictator, capable to repress others yada, yada... I happen to see a difference between a perfectionist person and an authoritarian person, well he hit his fork against the plate really loud yelling: "CAN'T YOU SEE THEY GO HAND IN HAND???" 0X I have read an article that the first signs of violence in a man are raising the voice and hitting the table when you disagree, this escalates sooner or later into physical violence.

 

A few months ago, a guy I know who is a doctor invited me for a date, but I did not go, and I told my bf. Unfortunately, we were in a restaurant once and we met the guy who came and talked to me for a few minutes (1 or 2 mn max). When the guy left, my bf was shaking from top to toe, he accused me of being a piece of s..t yelling at me and he stormed out the restaurant, even though he knew I did not go out with the guy and that I was not interested in him.

 

So there are two problems here : 1. He can't respect other people's opinions and 2. He can't control his rage . I am considering sending him to anger management, but that won't teach him to respect others.

 

Besides, he is a pathological liar and very secretive still. A few weeks ago, I had to do overtime and he told me he was going home. As I finished earlier than expected, I met this neighbour who told me she was going to the sports club so I went with her and I saw him in the pool. The next day I asked him what did he do and he said he went home and watched TV. He needs to lie all the time for petty things, so I know I can't trust him.

 

You can't establish a good, straight forward communication with a person like that, ever. I can only have a very superficial relationship with him. He lives in denial because he can't accept he is not perfect. I told him to get therapy but hasn't gone yet. I know he loves me and I love him too, but he is way too controlling in a scary way. I have been very nice and loyal to him always, but now I am starting to look for someone else who is more compatible with me.

 

Take care!

 

Hi Detox5!

 

A lot of people, men and women have very deep seated feelings of guilt and fear that prevent them from appreciating the person they have or the things they have in life. They always try to find a flaw in the good things and have a tendency to make bad choices. They hate themselves and feel guilty to be happy, this is why they look for the wrong person. In fact, there are a lot of people like that because we were all issued from repressive backgrounds, historically. As a matter of fact, it is a good thing that she did not stay with you, because she would have harmed you with her emotional problems. You should not take her leaving you personally. I wish you will find someone that will really appreciate you.

 

Take care!

[terry210]

Thanx every one,

 

These are exactly the replies that I was looking for.

 

I believe that people are atracted to opposites (a bit like a magnet)

 

I wasn't a 'bad-boy' but the reason she split with me was because I didn't give enough affection, Wouldn't show commitment (she wanted to marry me for over 2 years - and she thought that it would never happen), and just generally I lost interest.

 

She is now with a guy who she tells me that she has so much in common with, and she says that they have exactly the same type of personality, and she really likes him - everything going well.

 

So why did she end up in my bed a few days ago?.

 

Also all the advice on here tells the dumpee to remain aloof and distant. - If women liked the nice boys then wouldn't the advice be - Tell her how you feel, write poetry and spend your money on gifts?

 

Just a thought.

[terry210]

Didn't want to have my number of post's at 1 3.

 

So I thought that I'd get a quick reply in.

 

So in conclusion - What a girl wants (In a B/F anyway).

Is confidence, somebody with a bit of an atitude who wouldn't be too bothered if you ended it - and would probably move on to the next girl, Because this would prove to be a bit of a challenge.

 

Someone who Begs, Pleads and cries shows weakness and insecurities - right or wrong? and this is perhaps a turn-off.

 

So my question is - Can that weak, insecure person change into the confident person and if they did - would it be tempting to go back - if they proved that they could walk the walk.

 

 

Basically I am trying to see this from a womans point of view.

[detox5]

im not weak, im just a sucker when i fall in love, my ex is my biggest insecuritie, I fear no man, if im do die well bring it on, if im about to have a fight well lets just see how it goes. I dont get scared or afraid when ppl judge me or dislike me, tis that problem, I am a self contained survival pack that needs no 1 or anything, I dont require huggs or affecton and i dont fear to be alone. BUT when it comes to my ex some 1 says I saw her out im like where where, its weird isnt it, in a way i dont want anything to do with her because i know shes my only insecurity and of fear that and dont like to have any insecurities or weaknesses, am i making sense ppl?

[tere]

At least for me, is not about "bad" or "nice" guys... is about confident guys.

 

I've met nice guys who are so confident... and for me these guys are so much more attractive than a "macho" kind of guy that treats a girl badly... believe me that any girl will find it difficult to cope with a rude guy all the time.

 

Of course, relationships with any kind of guy "bad" or "nice" tend to fall into a routine... and things began being taken for granted... you know what I mean? when things are taken for granted, they loose its attractiveness... it's like feeling you have someone there for sure, no matter how you behave he'll always be there... and who is a guy to copes with any bad behaviour from a girl and still is ok? an insecure guy.

[Dragonlady]

Hi, here's a bit of background from my story:

 

I was with my ex for 3 years, started living together and engaged by 6 month; The wedding was planned for August 2003.

 

I was really happy, he sent me lovely cards saying I was his soulmate, the love of his live and that he couldn't wait for me to be his wife. He would call me at work or leave messages on my mobile singing love songs etc. I was so happy even though I had changed my entire life for him, I didn't think that we would ever split up. I got on well with he's family friends and most importantly he's daughter. It continued like this for 18 months.

 

I thought life couldn't get much better instead it got worse, much worse. I had previously been in a very physically abuse relationship that had left it's scars and had very little self esteem when it came to the bedroom but I thought my ex had understood this and was been very patient with me.

 

5 months before the wedding we went to give notice legally and then 2 days after, out of the blue, he told me he didn't want to marry me, that it wasn't right and started shutting me out emotionally (a trick he had learnt from he's past), Needless to say I was gutted, we were still together, he said he loved and cared for me but that he needed to feel it was right. I stood by him, tried to make him happy and did what ever he wanted.

 

He started avoiding coming up to see my friends, the weekends we had his daughter he would ignore me and then say I was jealous of her, wouldn't want to go out with his friends with me or when we did he would be cold towards me and blame me for being up-tight (when I am stressed I flinch if someone shouts or moves quickly – as I said I have scars). He started preferring videos to making love to me but would lie about it.

 

The day before the wedding when I was going home (I didn't think we should be together the day of the wedding), he hugged me, said he loved me and that he had wondered time and time again if he had done the right thing! It was a very painful day for me but he said he understood why I needed to be alone. When I got back he said he didn't know how to treat me as a partner any more and suggested that we had counselling. I said I would go too for our future together.

 

He didn't book it so after a while I did; we had the consultation and decided that we would continue with this. I found out I was pregnant but didn't tell him but know that he saw the test stick as it had moved. We had a joint session and the following week I had one by myself to discuss my abuse, he said he didn't want to know the details but we would talk about it the following week with the counsellor (i.e. how it makes me behave etc).

 

I went back to my parents for a friends birthday, had a nice message on my mobile whilst I was out and drove back on the Sunday (14.03.04) within 10 minuets on walking in the house my ex told me we were over, he didn't want to try and things got ugly. He was so cold towards me and then kicked me out. He's emails were very cold. The only times I had contact with him was to sort out removing my clothes and he has asked that I do not text him but then tells me he still cares about me "as a friend".

 

I still love him to bits and I understand why he's behaviour has changed because I have continued with the counselling, my ex has an anxious attachment disorder issue. I want him back so much but things would have to change, I thought he was my soulmate.

 

Sorry that was a bit long but it will help with my thought for this tread: Why do girls like bad guys? Well it's not that it's preferring bad guys but usually (and it's the same in both sexes) we are arracted to a person because they have something we don't, with the case of me ex, he was confident and I wasn't but in the end it has rubbed of on me and since my single life began I have been working on this even more.

 

As to why we would take someone back who does not show affection, well I would definatly not take some one back who hit me like my first boyfriend but the lack affection etc is it's own type of abuse but more mental and emotional. You have to look at why you are like this in the first place; it could be contibuted to attachement disorder of which there are a variety of type, I have amblivient whilst my ex is anxious, both of these are caused by trauma in childhood. Even after everything he has done I still want him back, not because I need him but because I understand his behaviour and why he has treated me in this manner.

 

A couple of good books are "why women love to much" by Robin Norwood and "why men love bitches", both of which have great insight - but a word of caution - they are very hard to read!

 

I still go to counselling every week and it is helping, the reason I now know so much, is I was blaming myself and we needed to cover some of the above in order for me to see what was really long.

 

Thanks for reading and sorry it's so long but topic's like this are vast.

[samdog31]

Well Yes I want my spouse back, but I want he old one back not the present person he is right now. I love him very muchbut I do not like him as a person right now. He has been having some emotional problems, and I have had to come to realize that most of these problems he is having are not mine. If he decides to fix these problems i would hapily have him back. But I don't want back the man that neglects me and takes me for granted.

[detox5]

your not my girl friend are you, trying to tell me something?