update, saw my ex, please give advice!

[hellohello1]

brief back story: ex and i dated for 2.5 years, he broke up with me 2 months ago claiming to be confused, not sure what he wants, likely well get back together one day. towards the end of the relationship i could be clingy and controlling and i often got jealous a lot.

 

anyway so ever since then i have not initiated any contact with him after a week or so after the break up, except for one instance a couple of weeks ago i sent him a random text. he has not gone more than 4 or 5 days without some form of communication. we both work in the mall but he works on opposite sides. he has come seen me at my work probably 10 times, one time when he wasnt even working. thursday night he came in two times and then yesterday like 3 times. in this two month period i have been starting to go out wiht my friends more and have fun and not worry about having control and just living day by day.

 

anyhow, yesterday he asked me to hang out, i was busy with friends so told him i could after i was done with them. this is the first time we have hung out with each other since we exchanged items over a month ago. so i went to his place..we just watched tv and chatted. he was lying down and i just sat on a chair far away. he asked me to lay with him and i was really reserved but then i did so we cuddled. then he tried to kiss me and kept trying adn i said no, i cant do anything like that. told me how much he loved me, never stopped loving me, how right it feels to kiss me, how he gets jealous thinking about me hanging out with other guys. he told me he hasnt done anything with anyone. i told him he oculdnt kiss me or anything like that without some form of commitment.

 

he said i udnerstand and then we kept watching tv. i was pretty nice and laughing but nonchalant the entire time. then he tried kissing my neck and whatnot and i told him he needed to stop as i cant do it without some form of commitment. we ended up talking and i guess he thought that i wanted some time frame or set date about when we would get back together adn i laughed and said no its not like that at all. i said that i wouldnt just want to be his girlfriend again, id want to see each other and go on dates and see how things went, and that hed have to ask me to be his girlfriend again. i also said that we would also have to agree not to date other people, and that the dates we would go on would not just be as friends.

 

he siad he thought it was a good idea. we both agreed it should be public dates as i said i did not want to have sex or anything at this time. so he siad he would take me out on a date to an arcade (we always used to go there and play air hockey and had lots of fun)..thats all we have agreed on. we have not agreed on a time or when but i left it like that. anyway, this was last night. i plan on not contacting him and let him contact me for when we can go on this date, if it even happens at all, im trying not to get my hopes up. anyway, we ended up kissing last night and he wanted more but i said no. i told him we should take things slow and give each other lots of space. thing is, we are not boyfriend/girlfriend and are still single.

 

this was last night and i have not heard from him since. is this the right way to go about it? where do i go from here? i sthere anything i should do or just continue with no contact? please help thanks a lot

[Ms Darcy]

I think you have done very well. You have no gaurantee that he is going to stay interested, but by not kissing him and saying that you want to be his gf, you stood up for yourself. It's so important to communicate your boundaries.

 

My biggest advice is to make sure that your dates are always in public and that they remain non-sexual. Take it slow and good luck!

[DN]

I think you handled the evening well but if you do decide to try a reconciliation what is the practical difference between dating and being boyfriend and girlfriend?

[hellohello1]

i guess i was meaning that like, well for example, before me and him actually officially became a couple, we "saw each other" for 3 months, if that makes any sense?

[DN]

OK - but you can't turn the clock back. You need to move forward. Dating but not boyfriend/girlfriend could mean that you also see other people. Is that what you want?

[hellohello1]

no. definitely not. ya, the more i have thought about it maybe i should i have stated i wanted to go back to boyfriend/girlfriend? i justthought it would be best to take things slow and not pressure him at all as i know this would turn him away. i thought by saying we could go on a date it was not pressuring to much, which he was happy with the idea.

 

perhaps i should just keep living life and whenever we decide to go on the date just have a good time, and then just see where it goes from there? im not sure of what to do

[hellohello1]

i still have not heard from him. i wonder if he has changed his mind. should i just continue with no contact? perhaps hes trying to feel me out or test me? i dont know.

[Brownstone322]

i still have not heard from him. i wonder if he has changed his mind. should i just continue with no contact? perhaps hes trying to feel me out or test me? i dont know.

It's been less than a day. Relax.

 

That said, I suspect he, foremost, was looking for sex. If there was any "test," it was probably the old "I wonder if she'll still let me screw her?" test, which he probably thinks you failed, but you actually passed admirably.

 

Your counter proposal was excellent. The initiative now lies with squarely with him. Hold your cards.

[hellohello1]

well this was sunday night and today is wednesday so its been 3, but yes i agree its only been 3 days.

 

so im assuming i should just continue with not contacting him?? let him contact me when/if he wants to?

[Brownstone322]

so im assuming i should just continue with not contacting him?? let him contact me when/if he wants to?

Yes!

 

Now that he knows that easy sex isn't part of the equation, you'll see what he's really up to.

[HeartGoesOn]

Yes!

 

Now that he knows that easy sex isn't part of the equation, you'll see what he's really up to.

 

I'll second this.

[uncomfynumb]

OP, as others have stated, you have handled this extremely well. I nominate you as the poster child of how to handle these kinds of situations perfectly!

 

Keep doing as your doing, wait for him to contact you as the ball is in his court. You certainly gave him something to think had about. My only advise now would be to be very good to yourself. Fill up your social calendar with family and friends, perhaps find a hobby, something you've not done that you wanted to do and do it. Charity and volunteer work is at the top of the list. Regardless, stay strong and stick to your guns. You have many blessings to come!

[hellohello1]

i appreciate everyones advice and i have not contacted him..well this all happened sunday night and now it is friday night..

 

he came into my work today 2 times (we have not had any contact since sunday)..first time he just talked for a minute about things going on in his life, i was polite, cordial and listened and was friendly. nothing about this "Date" was mentioned

 

shortly after he came in again..we talked for a little while longer..he basically told me more about what he was up to, says he hasnt done much this week other than working adn whatnot. said seeing me on sunday was like the highlight of his week, and the only good thing he really did. talked about how he had to work a lot this weekend, blah blah. still no date mentioned and of course i didnt bring it up. i was nice and polite the entire time and friendly but basically just let him ramble on..he told me i should come out to this thing him and his friends are running that isnt for another month..i said maybe i would. i did not mention the date or talk too much about what i was doing the entire time. i told him i was at the casino a few nights ago and he asked me who i was with and i just said i have been out to the lake.

 

again, the "date" wasnt mentioned. not sure whats going on with that. im just going to assume that it is not happening and have no expectations and continue to not initiate any contact with him as i have been doing..

 

what do you guys think about his behaviour?

[hellohello1]

ok, so anyway we ran into each other today at work in a food court. i saw him but he didnt see me so i went to an area far away from him, i guess he saw me because he came over to me and sat and ate with me. i only stayed about 5 min because i said i had to go back to work (i didnt). he just tlaked about his weekend, how tired he was, stupid crap like that. again, no date was mentioned. i just listened to him and then talked a bit about myself then i said i had to go. so anyway i go towards my store and on the way there are these chairs where these 2 guys i went to high school with (i graded 5 years ago) are sitting. i sat and chat with them. my ex has no idea who these people are. i am not positive that he saw me talking to them, but am pretty sure he did. for some reason i just felt completley terrible afterwards for talking to ehse people in front of him. he has no idea how i know them or who they are. again, i still dotne ven know if he saw, he didnt walk by but im assuming he saw.

 

i shouldnt worry about this at all, but i am. i KNOW in my head that i did nothing wrong, and me talking to guys that he has no idea and will not find out who they are are his consequences of choosing to break up wtih me (last sunday when we hung out he told me it made him jealous thinking about me hanging out wtih other guys). i know i have no reason to feel bad, clearly he isnt considering my feelings as he said we would go on a date and i have not hearda ynthign about it and its been a week. i still cant help but feel bad. my head is telling me i shouldnt feel bad but my heart is feeling guilty. what can i do to alleviate this? i started overanalyzing adn thinking "omg now hes never gonna contact me again"..i KNOW this is crazy...

 

i think i need to go back with my counselor and deal with my anxiety issues..

[Ms Darcy]

(last sunday when we hung out he told me it made him jealous thinking about me hanging out wtih other guys). i know i have no reason to feel bad, clearly he isnt considering my feelings as he said we would go on a date and i have not hearda ynthign about it and its been a week. i still cant help but feel bad. my head is telling me i shouldnt feel bad but my heart is feeling guilty. what can i do to alleviate this? i started overanalyzing adn thinking "omg now hes never gonna contact me again"..i KNOW this is crazy...

 

i think i need to go back with my counselor and deal with my anxiety issues..

 

 

Don't feel bad. Do not feel bad. Refrain from the feelings of badness.

 

The more anxiety you feel about this, the less you should communicate with him. You have done very well keeping it short when he comes by. Continue to do so. Keep it as short as possible. One, because it stresses you out. And two, because he's not saying anything. He needs to know that to get time with you, he needs to follow up on what he said he wanted.

 

Go see your counselor. You don't need to feel bad and hopefully talking to him or her can help. You are doing great!

[hellohello1]

thanks ms_darcy.

 

i feel better now, thanks for the reply. yes i think keeping it short is good. logically, i dont think anything that happened is a reason to panic, i just tend to overanalyze things. i appreciate your support it helps a lot to be honest.

[learning2relax]

You didn't do anything wrong. He is your ex. And even if you were with him, you shouldn't feel badly about male acquaintances.

 

What you should feel good about? He is talking to you and sought you out to sit with you at lunch. When you are not interested in someone or don't enjoy someone's company, you don't sit and eat with them. He would have eaten by himself and possibly pretended that he didn't see you.

 

Perhaps you could use self talk to help with the anxiety. Ms. Darcy gave you great advice when it comes to staying away while you are feeling anxious. You don't want your anxiety to control you when you are in contact with him. The hard part is you feel as if being in contact with him will help to quell the anxiety. I find it gives me a temporary fix but then my mind starts to over analyze or the paranoia of not communicating starts to set in and fires it all up again. Not a fun cycle to be in.

 

You are doing so well. Stay strong.

[hellohello1]

im feeling pretty crappy right now so i would appreciate anyones input advice or support!!

 

update so yesterday he sends some random texts in the morning that i wait a while and hardly respond to. anyway last night i log into facebook and he starts chatting with me, he told me he felt like crap and whatnot, i asked how come he said it was about other people, i said well i hope things get better, i told him i had to go but feel free to call me if you want to chat (shouldnt have done this). anyway he calls me like half an hour later. he told me what he was upset about (mutual friend in the hospital).

 

so i listen and then he starts saying things like "do you ever just feel like giving up? its too much effort to hope." he keeps repeating them. then he apologizes to me. i asked for what. he said you are just a really nice person and i feel so sorry. im like dont feel sorry id ont want you to feel guilty thers nothing to feel guilty for. he said that he is sorry that he didnt say anything or do anything before he had to make a drastic decision in breaking up with me. says he thinks he could have done more or talked more about things with me. also said he thinks a lot about what he could have done, should have done, never should have done, and would have done. i say "would have done?" and he said "would do".

 

then he brings up the whole giving up thing. and of course i assume he is referring to me so i say well i think is hould get going (my feelings were getting hurt as i assumed he was letting me know he is no longer confused and is giving up on me) he kept asking me what was wrong i said nothing i was just tired, but he kept pestering. so i just said you know it just hurts when you say the whole giving up thing. hes like just so you know im not referring to us when i say that. then hes like i knew i shouldnt have called you, you read too much into things and worry, i knew you would assume this was about me and you. i was like well that was my mistake and im sorry, but you going on about giving up and not telling me what it was about, coupled with the fact that it seems liek you forgot about what we mentioned last sunday (the date) it kind of made sense to me. he said no, he has not given up on the idea of us, and that he has also not forgotten about the date either, and was thinking about picking up some stuff for it today.

 

then he said now when he talks to me he will need to be more guarded so i dont read into things, blah blah. i just feel really down on myself. anyway we ended the conversation on an alright note though. im just really mad at myself. i know i need to continue with no contact, try to get over him and get on with my life.

 

i dont know how to do damage control. i would really like a relatoinship with him in the future - our problems are all fixable. he has stated several times he is trying to figure stuff out in his head. additionally, i think he is going through some kind of weird phase, he tells me he is often down and feels melancholy, i dont know what is going on with him.