Romance, Respect & Reassurance

[MalibuOne]

So I've been noodling a little theory around in my head lately and wanted to try it out on you all here on ENA and get some opinions and thoughts.

 

I've been trying to see if I could distill what it is that women (OK, Im really talking about me, lol!) really want out of a relationship and why dating is so fraught with angst, nerves and upset tummies. I came up with these three core needs, see what you think.

 

1. Romance. Doesn't every woman secretly long for that tummy swooping swept off their feet feeling? The way a guy will open a door for you, send you flowers, drop you off at the door so you don't have to walk in the rain, touch your cheek with the back of his hand. It's different for each person, but you get where I'm going, right?

 

2. Respect. He isn't bent out of shape about your professional success, he seriously considers your views even if he doesn't agree with them, he thinks it's amazing that you can use power tools, etc.

 

3. Reassurance. Most nice guys get 1 & 2 down pat, but this one is tougher. Letting the woman know she is important to you. Even in the early dating stages. Keeping in regular contact. Texting her for no reason other than to say hi. Telling her she looks pretty in that red dress. Calling just to hear the sound of her voice. Not noticing (or at least pretending not to notice) the other hot woman at the party who is hitting on you.

 

Is this a fairy tale fantasy? Because I'd really like to find something like this. I wonder if men have a set of Three Rs. If so, let's have them and improve the dating experience around the world!

[jenna-is-here]

Yes! Agreed that is what we want...but all that cant come from just anyone. It has to come from someone we are smitten with and then we have the full package.

 

WOMAN CAN NOT BE REASSURED ENOUGH!!

[pinkelephant]

I think the things mentioned in your post are great, but they don't leave a lot of breathing room. I think that instead of having a set of expectations and then looking for a person to fill them, the more productive and fun way to go about dating is to go in and just experience it... then decide what you liked and didn't like about him... and see how you feel... and see how he makes you feel. if you have fun, then that's a good thing... but if he somehow brings out anxiety from you (when you're not being overly analytical), then dump him (no reason needed).

 

What I'm trying to say is the perfect man comes in many different... traits? lol you sometimes will find that certain personality traits mesh well together to make a really wonderful person. even if when you look at those traits separately, you wouldn't like them.

 

everyone will make stupid mistakes or do things that can be misinterpreted when dating.. and when we analyze it like that, it ends up being much more confusing and head-ache inducing.

 

 

Men definitely need reassuring as well. In my experience, it's usually the guys that feel insecure and hold back because they feel insecure. There's nothing wrong with being the first to put the gun down, and it's important to be reciprocal. If he does something you like, let him know and do something you think he'd like... something *he'd* think is romantic. Most women don't realize it but they think romance is about doing what they want and even when they're doing something nice for the guy, it's something they feel is romantic... not something that he'd consider romantic.

[DN]

Not all women want the same thing and not all men can provide what individual women want.

[easyguy]

I did all 3 things with the last girl and it didn't work out (in fact, I have done all 3 things to ever girl I've dated). You can be yourself and bring the charm and all that , but sometimes it is a matter of timing. We can't pre-determine such things when we meet someone.

 

It's not a fairy tale fantasy. You just haven't met the right person at the right time.

[Oasis_Fan]

I feel lucky because that's what I have.

 

But I agree with jenna-is-here that women can't be reassured enough hahhaha

[Ms Darcy]

Is this a fairy tale fantasy? Because I'd really like to find something like this. I wonder if men have a set of Three Rs. If so, let's have them and improve the dating experience around the world!

 

I love this thread. I think for me, Respect is a must. Romance ... I very rarely get and don't always need it.

 

Reassurance is tricky. I think women sometimes think they need it from their partners too much and seem needy. I don't think it's a coincidence that my happily married female friends are very independent women who don't expect a ton of reassurance from their men. And thus, ironically, the men do give it to them in droves.

 

I do ask my bf for a kind word or reassurance at times, but not too much. Too much makes you seem needy and insecure. Too little means that you are not working to get your needs met. (But the less you "need" the happier you will be ladies.)

 

AND I make sure to give him plenty of reassurance (through compliments, affirmation, and positive reinforcement). Men LOVE it. I kid you not. Now what's interesting is that my bf will kind of sheepishly say thanks if I compliment him on a nice looking shirt and it doesn't seem like it impacts him much. ... But then he'll start wearing that shirt every other day. LOL. They love it for sure.

 

I would add another: Intimacy. Two years (and seven months of therapy) later and we are able to have frequent, meaningful discussions all the time. This is what makes me feel in love - the cross-section between intellectual communication and emotional sharing.

[misssmithviii]

Every woman is different in some way. In general I would say that the reassurance isn't that important to me because I know I'll probably dismiss it in my head anyways (erk, to be honest).

 

As for expectations, I do expect my man to be romantic because he IS - I think it would be counter-productive and borderline cruel to expect this kind of romance from a guy who normally isn't. I expect my man to be respectful because he IS.

 

I've never expected these things from dates btw. Never. I would just date, and if the traits that I want/need are there then it continues. If not, then it doesn't. Simple as that.

[annbuckley]

I had all three R's in varying degrees and at different stages of the marriage. There should be 3 C's. Compassion, Courage and Communication.

 

Very often we forget to be compassionate with our partners and we expect them to be more than they are capable of being - and then they become angry or dejected or react in ways that are not really understood. Sometimes because of unfinished business in their childhoods or in our own.

 

Courage - because it takes a ton of work to make a marriage or a relationship work. You have to choose to fight for what is important and what will keep the marriage in tact, rather than competing for who is right. Sometimes you have to take the higher road and as my son said, when he was about 8 years old " it is a higher road for a reason". I always thought he was a smart kid!

 

And finally, communication. Hard to have any kind of relationship when you can't talk to each other and feel heard. Even if you don't agree with your partner. I loved my husband more than life itself, but neither of us ever felt that we could be heard and understood. It ended because we didn't have the courage to learn.

 

ox

Ann

[MalibuOne]

Ms. Darcy, I struggled with the reassurance one too, but couldn't come up with another R that captured the feeling I wanted to convey! I agree about coming off as clingy/needy...that's not what I meant. It was more geared towards all the posts I see on here from women waiting on pins and needles for the text from the guy because he's been incommunicado for a few days...right away we wonder if he's just not that into us. I was thinking if we had that reassurance, or internal knowledge that all is well, it might alleviate some of the angst you read about with people in the early stages of dating.

 

Yeah, I thought this might be fun to post about. I hope it gets lots of differing viewpoints. Knowledge is good!

[MalibuOne]

I did all 3 things with the last girl and it didn't work out (in fact, I have done all 3 things to ever girl I've dated). You can be yourself and bring the charm and all that , but sometimes it is a matter of timing. We can't pre-determine such things when we meet someone.

 

It's not a fairy tale fantasy. You just haven't met the right person at the right time.

 

Good point about the timing. I also think the three r's have to come from someone you're attracted to/smitten with...I'm taking that part as a given...I.e., you've met, you seem to like each other and want to see where it goes, etc...

[karvala]

Let me play Devil's Advocate for a moment. If I were really cynical, I'd say that the three Rs are what many women typically *think* they want from a relationship, but in practice, they want something quite different, or at least something additional which is more important. In particular, the three Rs describe a thoroughly decent, considerate, sensitive, modern man, and that sounds great when the woman's love for that man is already a given, but of course it isn't a given, there has to be something that drives the woman to be with the man. The three Rs are what you want ON TOP OF your core attraction; "I just can't live without this guy, but I really wish he were [the three Rs]". I suspect it's not the core of the attraction at all, i.e. what you *really* want, which is much more to do with traditionally masculine qualities of leadership, strength, courage. That's just my cynical view, though.

[Betty79]

Ms. Darcy, I struggled with the reassurance one too, but couldn't come up with another R that captured the feeling I wanted to convey! I agree about coming off as clingy/needy...that's not what I meant. It was more geared towards all the posts I see on here from women waiting on pins and needles for the text from the guy because he's been incommunicado for a few days...right away we wonder if he's just not that into us. I was thinking if we had that reassurance, or internal knowledge that all is well, it might alleviate some of the angst you read about with people in the early stages of dating.

 

Yeah, I thought this might be fun to post about. I hope it gets lots of differing viewpoints. Knowledge is good!

 

Malibu as you can probably guess I would definitely agree with this one, lol, if I had the reassurance or internal knowledge that all was well it wouldnt matter to me that he was incommunicado for a few days!

[MalibuOne]

Hmmm. I disagree that it's just when the woman's love is already a given. I think it may be even more important in the falling in love stage. But again, that's just me.

 

Curious why you'd say courage though. I get leadership and strength. Why courage, though?

[karvala]

Hmmm. I disagree that it's just when the woman's love is already a given. I think it may be even more important in the falling in love stage. But again, that's just me.

 

Curious why you'd say courage though. I get leadership and strength. Why courage, though?

 

Because in the absence of courage is fear, and fear seems to be one of the biggest turn-offs for women in my experience. It's hard to remain attracted to a man who is too afraid to stick up for himself, or for his partner, or too afraid to take a risk sometimes, or just too afraid to be himself. It takes courage to fully express yourself, to pursue what you want in life, but it's highly attractive (to men and women, I think) when it's present.

[MalibuOne]

Karvala, I think I follow. I am talking about when the core qualities ARE there. My bad, i should have posted more clearly. I.e., the woman is already smitten or at least interested in exploring where the relationship might lead. Your point about fear is spot on, though. A fearful, timid person typically doesn't attract a quality person. And fear manifests itself in many insidious ways...it's not always readily apparent is it?

[RyanGeist]

If I were really cynical, I'd say that the three Rs are what many women typically *think* they want from a relationship, but in practice, they want something quite different, or at least something additional which is more important... I suspect it's not the core of the attraction at all, i.e. what you *really* want, which is much more to do with traditionally masculine qualities of leadership, strength, courage.

 

Experience has taught me these things to be fact. If it was all about the "three Rs," only beta-type males would be dating. That's not a discriminatory term, that's an anthropological designation.

 

Take a look at the dominant dating pedagogy among males, i.e., the modern "game." We're not dumb. We've discovered how to get women interested, and it's not the three Rs. These ideas wouldn't propagate if they didn't have some measure of success. Long-term relationship maintenance, however, is an entirely different matter.

 

I wonder if men have a set of Three Rs. If so, let's have them and improve the dating experience around the world!

 

It's hard to think of a list of requirements for a relationship that all begin with the same letter, so I'll just shoot off a list of things that apply to me, in no particular order. Not all men are the same and your mileage will vary.

 

1. Romance. It's nice knowing that the woman whose feet you're sweeping off also is interested in sweeping you off yours. Maybe not flowers, maybe not opening doors and all of that. But, for instance, sexy surprises are very nice and much appreciated. Adventurism is encouraged. Hand-picked lingerie is a plus, but not explicitly required. It's not everything to do with sex, but that the idea you're desired just as much.

 

2. Respect. She knows that you work hard for your goals, and that you're not just a meal ticket. This doesn't have to mean picking up tabs or anything like that. Just that she has her stuff together, and this isn't all riding on your laurels, and that's not why she's with you. Love needs to be deeper than that.

 

3. Reassurance. That while you're doing all of this texting, this calling, emailing, etc etc, there's going to be reciprocation. It's not a matter of "what's in it for me." It's a matter of "you've got my back, too, right?" Long-term, this means reciprocating in a fashion that shows an appreciation for your deeper essence - something that isn't going to fade when the novelty of new love does.

 

Gee... wonder where I got those from. There you go.

[Oasis_Fan]

Yes! I agree. It should work both ways.

[MalibuOne]

Well yes of course it should go both ways.

 

I don't understand the concept in #3 though. What does it mean when you say "you've got my back too, right?" how does a woman demonstrate that?

[RyanGeist]

I don't understand the concept in #3 though. What does it mean when you say "you've got my back too, right?" how does a woman demonstrate that?

 

It's simply demonstrated by the act of reciprocation.

 

When you're doing a lot for a relationship, on some level, I like to think I'm doing it because I love her - not for sex, or a random warm body to keep close, or for the things she does for me, but to enjoy who she is and the way her personality enriches my life. I want to think, "Yes, of course I would help drive her to her job interview, because I want her to get there safe, in plenty of time, and want her to do well and to be happy."

 

Another good example comes with gift-giving. You know people who end up giving totally impersonal gifts, or even worse, something only they could possibly want? That's bad. When you give a gift to a person, you don't want them to just think about the thought of giving. No, the best gifts are not the obvious ones any schmuck with enough green can buy, but the ones where you make the other person think "wow, he REALLY knows me!"

 

Now, apply that to a relationship. I'm taking the woman to the job interview, and I'm doing it because I want the best for her. I'm doing this-that-or-the-other because I want her to be happy. Likewise, I don't want a gesture. I don't want something done for me because "of course, that's what you do when you're in a relationship." I want something done that says "I'm doing this because I know you, I love who you are, and I want you to be happy."

 

How does a woman demonstrate that? Well, it goes back to the gift part. It's totally personal. You be daring. You be curious. You try to explore their world. See things through their eyes. Be fascinated by them. Be open to them. That's how they know it isn't about the sex, money, or even hand-holding. It's about them.

 

It can be as simple as a shared moment, or as complex as a question. That's a deep connection. That's reassurance.

 

Did that help?

[MalibuOne]

Awesome, yes! It's funny, but when you've been out of the dating world for a long time, it just feels so damn weird getting back into it. How to behave. What's considered normal behavior. Not to mention the whole electronic part...the texting, email, etc. What kind of expectations are normal at which stage of dating. I sometimes feel like I'm trying to connect with a whole different species, so getting these perspectives is very helpful.

[RyanGeist]

Awesome, yes! It's funny, but when you've been out of the dating world for a long time, it just feels so damn weird getting back into it. How to behave. What's considered normal behavior. Not to mention the whole electronic part...the texting, email, etc. What kind of expectations are normal at which stage of dating. I sometimes feel like I'm trying to connect with a whole different species, so getting these perspectives is very helpful.

 

I can imagine it's quite nerve-wracking to realize, suddenly, that you have to meet expectations... and not even know what the expectations are!

 

But at the same time, it's best not to over-think it. While we can come up with checklists of this and that, relationships ultimately come down to some very basic factors. And I doubt most people actually have control over those basic factors, so it's really out of your hands and therefore not worth worrying about.

 

Take a breath. Smile. And enjoy!

[MalibuOne]

Funny though, I HAVE to think it. Because the guys I date often ask me/talk about this kind of stuff. Much sooner into the relationship than I recall from when I was in my 20s. When you're in your twenties, you think you've got all the time in the world, so there's less of a feeling of urgency to winnow out those who don't work well with you. I'm finding that people my age aren't willing to spend so much time doing the long leisurely exploration that they did when they were younger. Just a different dynamic.

 

So I've given it quite a bit of thought. I asked myself what, assuming I've met and am attracted to the guy, do I look for when I'm starting a relationship? The three R's are always there, from the early dating days to the longer term days. What varies is the level of intensity with which they are present, if that makes any sense. I mean, respect may start off as just demonstrating good manners at first, but then intensify as you get to know and really care for the other person.

[RyanGeist]

When you're in your twenties, you think you've got all the time in the world, so there's less of a feeling of urgency to winnow out those who don't work well with you. I'm finding that people my age aren't willing to spend so much time doing the long leisurely exploration that they did when they were younger.

 

I hope this isn't naivete, but if a person isn't willing to do the exploration to find if someone works for them, that's just going to create problems later on. You can't mash two desperate people together and expect to have that reassurance you're talking about.

 

Another way to look at it: yes, it takes time to get an honest read on a person, but that's the only way to read a person correctly. But it's not a waste of time. Being in a relationship with a person who's not compatible? Very big waste of time.

 

If a person isn't going to take the time to get to know me, that's a red light.

 

So I've given it quite a bit of thought. I asked myself what, assuming I've met and am attracted to the guy, do I look for when I'm starting a relationship? The three R's are always there, from the early dating days to the longer term days. What varies is the level of intensity with which they are present, if that makes any sense. I mean, respect may start off as just demonstrating good manners at first, but then intensify as you get to know and really care for the other person.

 

Yes, it does intensify and grow - that's how healthy relationships progress. I take it you are asking the question of what level of intensity should correspond to what time frame in dating?

 

You know, I don't think there's a good universal rule for that. Expectations vary from person to person. Slow and reasoned generally is better, but perhaps just as important is if your rate matches the rate of the other person's. That's a kind of compatibility, too.

 

If you have to try too hard... you're just plain trying too hard.

[oldenoughtoknow]

I think the most significant point of this thread is that projects the concept of each individual analyzing what they want in a relationship. I don't think enough people do this simple, but life altering task. Study your past. Learn from your mistakes. Then make a list and stick with it. If your list turns out to be 3 R's, 3 C's or whatever, you'll make better choices in the future simply by knowing what you want - not just what you think you want. BTW, IMHO I think 3 of anything (no matter how big the words are) is far too short of a list.

 

Example: Look at what's gone wrong with your past relationships? What are the common threads? Do you always look for someone who's fun and spontaneous? That's great, but if you have a history of finding people who turn out to be financially irresponsible and cannot hold down a job, maybe you should move fun down a few pegs and move up something like, say, responsibility. Doing this exercise will forever change the lens with which you survey potential partners. And write it down - that way you can use it as an unwavering reference when infatuation has clouded your judgment.

 

Do you see why I think a list of 3 is too short?