He Won't Re-Add Me To Facebook

[legnadeer]

Ex has made contact and we're talking been over four months I believe. I made a suggestion to be readded to his facebook account, figured we were moving in a positive direction so why not re-friend one another?

 

Well... he refused. Didn't exactly refuse, he said that he wanted to take it slow regarding that as it caused problems in the past (caused by him reacted to by me). But in due time.

 

I don't feel quite right about this. I feel if we're working towards a new relationship or even just a friendship no matter what happened in the past, why is he having an issue with this. It feels like either some form of control (I guess it could be said of my request as well) or that he wants to keep something from me.

 

What should I do? Mention it to him one last time? Leave it be? Or leave him be if he still refuses to add me.

 

 

Why is fb so important? For us it was in our relationship in the past as we used it as a easy and cheap means of communication with one another as well as picture sharing and it kept us connected during times when we couldn't be together as we're both are in the performing arts (not musicians) and traveled a lot in the past.

[RedDress]

Why is fb so important? For us it was in our relationship in the past as we used it as a easy and cheap means of communication with one another as well as picture sharing and it kept us connected during times when we couldn't be together as we're both are in the performing arts (not musicians) and traveled a lot in the past.

 

You can still do this via email, texting, etc...

 

I totally get why this bothers you. The lack of openness makes you think he has something to hide...but now admit it. There's a small little part of you that wants to stalk him. lol! We all know it...

 

Anyways. If you really want to get back together with him - forget Facebook. You don't need to stalk him. He can/will hide whatever he wants to anyways. Do you like him? Do you trust him? Continue on...

 

I wouldn't let something like this get the better of you. I really wouldn't. Even though I completely understand and can empathize.

[iBroken]

Why is fb so important? For us it was in our relationship in the past as we used it as a easy and cheap means of communication with one another as well as picture sharing and it kept us connected during times when we couldn't be together as we're both are in the performing arts (not musicians) and traveled a lot in the past.

 

 

Highlighted the rather key point for you to note. WAS and PAST. You guys are not back together so that doesnt entitle you to jump back into the Facebook norm you guys once shared.

 

Dont bring it up to him again. Let him accept the request when he is ready.

 

Maybe he is seeing someone and doesnt want you to know. Or maybe he is seeing someone and doesnt want to engage in the facebook behaviour you speak of in the past

[odile]

What were the previous facebook-related problems?

Without knowing what happened, it's hard to understand why he would be so weird about adding you.

[legnadeer]

RedDress i could stalk him easily ;-) a couple of my close friends are still on his list... but I've chosen not to go that route and wanted to reform some bonds and trust and only wanted to take a peak if I was invited. A bit of it makes me hesitant. But I would like to give it a try again.

 

iBroken He's not seeing anyone. It is a new thing we're trying yes, but he's the one who's bee initiating it all. So I wonder, I think that I should have a say in something. Like we can try again but because of some trust issues caused by him in the past, this might be a step in regaining that.

 

odile He crossed a few boundaries including flirting and not making it clear to women who causally flirted with him that he was in a relationship or that it was disrespectful. I am and always was understanding of flirting esp online, we all do it to a point. But yeah sometimes it crossed the lines. It calmed down after we had a SERIOUS talk about it. That's why. He's afraid of it happening again without understanding that he was the cause of my reactions (and some of the women who flirted with him) in the first place. I always tried to be so understanding, he has many female friends which never bothered me but there were a few... that I feel did cross that flirtation line and he allowed it for a time.

 

I go back and forth. Sometimes I feel like saying nothing about it and haven't and sometimes it really puts me off and makes me wonder if it's worth it.

[Ms Darcy]

I don't think it's about facebook; I think it's more so about what you stated above. I understand that you want him to regain your trust ... but you have to ask yourself, is he right? Would it cause problems? Would you police him?

 

If your answer is that it wouldn't be a problem if he didn't cross your boundary, then that begs more questions. Can you sit down and agree to boundaries? Can you live with them?

[legnadeer]

I don't think it's about facebook; I think it's more so about what you stated above. I understand that you want him to regain your trust ... but you have to ask yourself, is he right? Would it cause problems? Would you police him?

 

If your answer is that it wouldn't be a problem if he didn't cross your boundary, then that begs more questions. Can you sit down and agree to boundaries? Can you live with them?

 

It's also a bit about fb - I feel disconnected from him a small bit, we both travel a bit for our fun jobs and use our fb as a connection and kind of a travel diary as well. He still peaks at mine from time to time, it's not completely private. I know as he's mentioned something about some new photos I put up to a recent holiday to another country.

 

HOWEVER, I'm not sure. Is he right. I wouldn't police him. I hadn't really before, never asked him to take down anything but had asked a couple of times who this/that person was and once or twice that I didn't think they were being respectful of the fact that he was in a relationship.

 

I can sit down and agree to boundaries of course and live with them so I guess the question is would he be able to live with them and be comfortable with them. Without boundaries there is no relationship right? And I'm not talking about outrageous ones like saying he can't have any female friends but more along the lines of be respectful.

 

There is a problem with him now that I've thought about that I'm writing this... he suffers from a bit of insecurity and sometimes seeks the approval of others. I accepted that fact about him a while ago... we all have faults so I'm not trying to put him in the all exes are evil category. He screwed up our relationship by his actions, now he's back and I'm wondering if it's salvagable for me. I think in my mind a step towards it was to rejoin on that site something that meant so much for us. But maybe reading the comments from you guy it's something more deep.

 

I wonder if there's something "wrong" with me that that is the one last thing that would settle me more. He's been honest (I believe so!) lately and have answered questions, communicated with me a lot, and have shown interest again but... the refusal of the request - he didn't delete it he just has it on hold and said let's take it slowly, has put a weird little taste in my mouth. I guess I'm thinking if he was truthful and if he is really wanting to work towards something whether it be a friendship or reconciliation, then why is it such a huge request.

[Ms Darcy]

Girl,

 

It would be great for you two to reconcile fully, but I don't think you can do that if you can't stop saying he screwed it all up. Given what you have shared, you both have responsibility for the end of the relationship. And trying to continually attribute wrong to him makes me wonder not if you want this reconciliation, but if you are ready for it.

 

You aren't back together. If you are officially back, then that would be a good time to retouch the subject with him. But for now he's keeping you at a distance on purpose. Yes he can back and yes he's opening up a bit, but he can bounce just as quickly and I think you need to be aware of that.

[legnadeer]

Ms Darcy Ah... he cheated. broke the trust. so he did screw it up. I was willing to work with him past this so that is one reason a huge one that makes me very hesitant. so in my mind it is his fault that the relationship ended, I have no qualms about that. I didn't mention it here because I didn't want a barrage of people jumping on me for my decision to possibly reconcile with him. I want the reconciliation but yes I am scared. And yes... it does feel he is keeping me at a distance on purpose.

 

I'm just going to take it easy however and let things progress slowly and really I mean really think about things. Thank you for giving me some input on the matter and helping me to see things from other sides. I will let you all know what happens. Even if it's a couple of months later. I always hate when people don't update! Unless there is just too much pain involved then I understand. Cheers everyone.

[Ms Darcy]

Well cheating is much more than flirting! I know it's hard to share, but it's important if you want to get more accurate advice.

 

I think you need to have very open conversations with him and walk away if he's in any way making you feel uncomfortable.

[legnadeer]

Ah well it started with the flirting... then stopped for a long time. Then eventually ended with him getting caught. We broke up. Went our separate ways. I was fine. Went on with my life and didn't give him much of a thought. He came back many months later and begin dialogue, took responsibility (which is very important), and slowly we've been building this "not sure what it is".

 

I think you need to have very open conversations with him and walk away if he's in any way making you feel uncomfortable.

 

I'm not sure yet. We've spoken and the only thing that I seem to be stuck on is this fb thing and how he's not completely coming out and saying I want you back though he seems to be slipping into old habits ie. he's called me pet names a few times. He wants to hang out soon. In due time I said. I don't hate him, I'm no longer mad, disappointed slightly, but his actions of contacting me daily have helped. It was a one time dfling... once was enough. So treading lightly. Thanks for your advice again. Will take it to heart. Seriously. And come back if I need more.