How long is long to remain non-exclusive?

[Tears May Fall]

So I've been dating this girl for 3 months now, and we have hit it off real well, only thing is she doesn't want a relationship/be exclusive or have any titles.

 

We started off as a random kinda hookup one night after a happy hour, then she showed a high level of interest immediately and wanted to hang out very often however she was in a relationship which she told me the 2nd time we hung out she is about to get out of it. She said she wasn't looking for anything serious, didnt want a relationship. I wasnt per se looking for one either because I was dating a few other people at the same time.

 

I was a bit aloof in the beginning for the first month or so, but as time progressed I became more and more into her, and now after a few months it has come to a point where Im not seeing anyone else, just her. We hang out practically ALL THE TIME, spend the nights together, at least like 3-4 days a week. She calls me atleast twice a day. When we're together, she treats me like as if Im her BF, using words of endearment like babe hunnie etc, and we go out to dinner, do activities together, go hiking, etc.

 

She seems VERY interested in me, HOWEVER, she always reiterates that she does not want to be in a relationship right now. It's almost at least once a week that she makes some type of statement towards that. And many times its with a bit of direct harsh attitude in her tone like as if shes telling me, not just stating it. Like last night she drew the final string with me, she was talking about her roommate getting serious too quickly with her new partner (her roommate came out a relationship very recently and immediately went on the rebound but went strong), and so she goes and tells me that she told her roommate "I told you not to put all your eggs in one basket and not to hop from one relationship to the next." And I go well didnt you kinda do that with me, and she replies "But its not like we're exclusively dating."

 

I kinda felt like she was throwing it in my face that she can have her cake and eat it too. Like she doesn't make it seem like she's just scared to get in a relationship and is feeling vulnerable but rather that she prefers to keep her options open. She has all the perks of a relationship with me, without the commitment. Its beginning to make me doubt her, and lose trust in her because albeit she might not necessarily be seeing anyone else right now (I dont know that) she keeps stating that she doesnt want any sort of commitment right now that she likes to have her options open and that if things dont work with one person its easy to move on to the next one.

 

Very confused by all this and dont know how I should handle it. I dont want to show any kind of jealousy or sensitivity to it but it is hurting me at this point that she feels a need to keep reiterating it and "throwing it in my face." I could be out there dating other people but I choose not to since I'm very into her, however if she keeps it up, I'm just going to back off and start meeting new people again. Dunno how else to handle it, because she doesn't even seem like she'd wanna have a serious conversation about it (that would feel like a "relationship" then). Any suggestions??

[Cognitive_Canine]

You're confused and feel hurt. It's been too long without a label for you.

 

I wouldn't be comfortable with this at all.

 

Sounds like she has no plans to commit to you and wants no-strings.

[oldenoughtoknow]

Is she actually seeing anyone else? Do you know much about her relationship history? Is this a pattern? Or is she just being extremely cautious about your relationship because of rebound concerns? It's hard to tell what's inside her head from what you've said so far. Any other clues?

[Stay_home]

You've fallen dead into her trap. I'd bet you a dollar to a donut that this is a recurring pattern; she gets involved and somewhere throughout the relationship becomes no longer interested and starts to wander off in search of a new game to play. It's called Grass is green syndrome (GIGS). Honey is always chasing after that spark, or that flame typically found when you're meeting someone new. If you were to date her, you'd be her next victim. If I were you, I'd sever ties with her. I went through the exact same thing, I was that guy on the side. Until one day I told her that I didn't want to be her secret anymore and I left. She'd call me, apologizing, talking about she was sorry and she should've just been about me and all that jazz. Whatever. If that was the case, she would've did what she had to do to be with me. I left her, I stop calling her and stop hanging out with her. Realizing that she lost out on something good, she was a bit blown away about that. I told her my decision wasn't changing and I left her alone.

 

End of stress.

[Yates33]

From the first couple of sentences I knew this girl was bad news.

 

Hooked up with you on the first night at a bar, had a boyfriend and doesn't wnat a label.

 

Run, she's trash.

[Shineon]

Wow. Girls do this too!? Sorry if I am naive... My ex strung me along (yea, i let him) for almost 4 years!! Never a "title", never "exclusive" although neither one of us saw anyone else. I just found out 2 weeks ago that his family doesnt even know my name. So 3 months is too long - it could go on and on if you're not careful. I know from experience.

[Tears May Fall]

Yea my guts gives me that bad vibe as well and I'm ready to can her after last nights reiteration. The fact that she had a BF when we first hooked up on a random drunken night was bad news from the start and that's why I didn't take her seriously but she kept insisting and showing high levels of interest and I mightve fallen for it.

 

Other clues, I dunno it seems in the last month that every free day/night/minute she has she always want to hang out with me with the exception of a few times when she would say she's going out to dinner or for drinks with her friends. I have a real hard time trusting this girl already and I don't see this going anywhere even though I really like her.

 

She does make many inferences for various future plans, always says she loves spending time with me, asked me a few weeks ago where I saw this going. I even met her brother and sister. That's the part that's confusing is I feel like I'm in a relationship practically but I don't think she looks at it like that at all

 

Her relationship history she said she's been cheated on numerous times and has had bad experiences with guys who are always trying to change her or control her. She said she's the one who had called off her recent relationships but in the past she was the dumpee. She seems like she's never satisfied, and is really quick to move on, as she referenced with her "oh well if it don't work out then you just say F it and move onto the next one."

 

I don't like this at all, glad I'm not the only one agrees with it. 3 months feel like an awfully long time and not to mention that she keeps reiterating it, kinda like a guilty conscience. I'm backing my way out, gonna not hang out with her for a week or so and see how she takes it.

 

Should I speak up to her about it or should I just leave?

[BriarRose]

I only read the first line of your thread. 3 months is too long.

[Yates33]

Tears May Fall. I PM'ed you. Check it out.