OK, I need a chastity belt, ASAP.

[Mauxly]

So against my better judgment I broke down and made myself a profile on a dating site. I thought for sure it would be a lame experiment in desperation. Low and behold…after changing my filters and having the site weed out the dirty old perverts for me, I have a few seemingly awesome guys flowing through. I have a date this Thursday with someone who seems not only intelligent and funny, but he’s also quite the looker.

 

So what’s the problem? Read on.

 

I went on a date Friday with a different guy that I met on the site and was most pleasantly surprised. He was much better looking in person, he’s wicked intelligent, seems really emotionally stable, and we had an absolute blast. We went out again last night, had even MORE fun. We wound up having a brief but intense make out session last night. Lots of passion. Loads of it.

I’d be eeked out by the speed of things if it weren’t for the beauty of a small town. He’s still best friends with a woman he’d been with for 6 years (I see this as a good sign) they’ve been broken up for years, the romantic part of the relationship is over. I don’t know this woman, but it turns out most of my friends do. She’s highly respected in this community, a really great woman. I also see this as a good sign. She was with him for 6 years, they are still friends, this means that it is unlikely that he’s a psycho.

 

So what’s the problem?

 

I don’t want to jump into a sexual relationship with him. Not yet. And he is in full agreement. But I wonder if we will be able to help ourselves. I can’t really concentrate on work right now because I’m kind of perpetually riled up at the thought of him. Maybe we should hire a Mormon chaperone to accompany us on our dates from now on….kidding…sort of.

 

Any of you ladies have any tricks up your sleeve for not letting your libido destroy the best laid plans?

 

Issue number two:

I’ve got date request coming in from some fairly amazing men (at least, they appear to be), including the one on Thursday. I think I’d be robbing myself if I just went with the first guy I dated from the site. But I have no desire to go on these dates anymore. I want to see what could happen with this guy and I don’t want to muddle it with more men.

 

What would you do? For those experienced with online dating, what advice do you have to give?

 

For the record, he REALLY likes me. And I really like what I see…so far.

[Circe1607308268]

That's the best advice I can give you re: jumping in the sack with this guy who is making you crazy today. I have just been cut loose by a guy who made me feel the same way, and I spent a night in his bed and DID NOT succumb. And am I glad. I managed not to give in to all the passionate craziness he evoked in my because I went through this last summer and DID succumb. I was dumped immediately after sleeping with that guy and spent months getting over it.

 

My therapist told me this before I started with the latest casualty: sleep with him only if you think you can face NEVER seeing him again afterwards and be OK with it. I couldn't. So I didn't. And, like I said, it's saved me even more misery than I'm already in. I am NOT intimating that this guy will dump you after doing the deed -- I'm just saying that, this early in, there is a good chance it's just craziness which means nothing in the long run, so you may indeed never see him again afterward.

 

The other thing I can tell you is this: I, too, didn't want to pursue other dates I had lined up because of my infatuation with this particular man. When you're consumed with thoughts of one man, you go pretty lukewarm on all others. But, again, considering that this whole thing from start to finish has only lasted 6 weeks -- 2 of them spent being pushed at arm's length -- I shouldn't have closed off all my options so quickly. I didn't want to "muddle it" with more men, either. But guess what? He had another woman muddling the whole thing. Don't put all your effort and attention on one man so soon, no matter how drenched your knickers get! Or, for that matter, in my case as well, how closely he seems to speak to your soul.

 

Use my sad case as an example, and keep your head well above water until you can think clearly! Unless you can accept whatever consequences may come.

[Mauxly]

Wow thanks Circe. That was really good advice AND a reality check for sure.

So nevermind the passion, no diddling for a while.

And, keep dating others.

 

Anyone else want to weigh in?

[oldenoughtoknow]

Congratulations and good for you, Mauxly. I know you're aware that you have quite an envious dilemma. I completely agree with Circe. The best way to step back from runaway emotions in a situation like this is to go on that date this Thursday. And by all means, line up a few more (with quality people, not just fillers). That will distract your attention from this guy who's quickly becoming the new gold standard. It will give you someone else to think about and communicate with and get excited about. If it's meant to be, nothing will distract from or dampen your dating time with Mr. Perfect. But redirecting your focus when you're not together will help you maintain a balance and perspective that will carryover into the times you are together.

[Mauxly]

Gosh there is some great advice on ENA today! Thanks Richpart! I'll do that, keep my date.

 

One other small issue. This is a really small town, what if I run into him while on other dates? I don't want to tell him that I'm dating others (awkward conversation), and it isn't his business unless we start going steady (too soon). But it could be ultra weird if we ran into each other. Oh yeah, and the date on Thursday wants to go to his favorite pub/restaurant. Of course this wasn't an issue until now. Derp!

[oldenoughtoknow]

Okay, first, remember to breathe. The only unfortunate thing about running into number 1 at his favorite restaurant while you're with number 2, is it may distract from your date with number 2. You've only been on 2 dates with number 1, remember?

 

That being said, I've been in this exact situation before. The key is for you to remain calm. He will play off of your energy if you look nervous or caught in the act. Keep in mind, you aren't doing anything wrong here. If he's upset about it, tell him it was a date that was on the books before you met him. It's really as simple as that.

 

I wouldn't think about telling him beforehand. It's way too soon, you aren't exclusive, and there's a chance he might take the information the wrong way. Just think, if he expects you to all of a sudden drop your schedule and change your life after two dates with him, he wouldn't be the guy you're thinking he is right now. Breathe it through...

[Batya33]

I would meet up with him in public places and continue to date other people if your goal is an LTR of some kind - I wouldn't close off other options yet nor would I expose myself to STDs and too fast an emotional attachment to this guy you just met.

[Mauxly]

Agreed to all of the above.

 

Man that chemical rush of attraction is an absolute doozy. I'd say it is the most powerful drug in the world.

 

Got to keep it in check.

[newwave]

I agree with Circe. Right now you are in the infatuation part and everthing seems good, but when the smoke clears, will you feel the same? So many people make the mistake of sleeping with someone early in the relationship only to realize that's all it was, infatuation.

[Mauxly]

Agreed. I can see this clearly.

 

But infatuation is fun damn it! I'm going to relax and roll with the infatuation, I mean, this is the good part (OK, one of them). And try not to molest him along the way.

[dd]

I would definitely date others. I had three suitors, one which I really liked, the other one gave me goose bumps but I didn't give him the time of day. The third one I didn't like at all.

 

The one I really liked would call everyday and disappeared every so often. By the time I dumped him, the other guy that gave me goose bumps gave up which I keep pounding myself for.

 

So listen to everyone, date others till you're exclusive.

 

If he sees you dating others he could be intrigued, keep trying harder or maybe it wasn't meant to be.

 

Good Luck

[bulletproof]

Never put all your eggs in one basket. Date multiple people. Focusing on one person never seems to be the best route, at least in the beginning.

 

Also, try to have little to no alcohol on the dates if you really want to avoid sleeping with this person. There's lots of other things you can do besides go to a bar, and every guy I've ever dated has been pleasantly surprised that I didn't want to do something that involved alcohol.

[Mauxly]

Good advice about the alcohol. And about not putting eggs in one basket. I'm definitely going to date the others while enjoying what I have with him.

[Ms Darcy]

Have fun! Enjoy being single, available, and hot. Don't get too physical yet for one reason ... it will cut down the fun of all of this and suddenly make it more serious. Life has been so serious for you for so long ... just enjoy the fun for a while.

[MalibuOne]

Mauxly, you've gotten great advice already, so I'll only add that when women are stimulated as you so plainly are their bodies crank out oxytocin which is a feel good hormone. Men don't crank it out in anywhere near the quantities we do. If you tell yourself that a lot of what you're feeling is hormonal, maybe you'll be able to look at what's going on with this guy with more objectivity. I.e., you are dating right now. Not in a committed relationship. Just dating. You really know very little about him regardless of small town. What if you were to find out he's a closet gambling addict and you passed up opportunities with other high quality guys?

[Manco]

Wow thanks Circe. That was really good advice AND a reality check for sure.

So nevermind the passion, no diddling for a while.

And, keep dating others.

 

Anyone else want to weigh in?

 

Not sleeping right away is a very good idea. You will definitely not regret it later on; and this is coming from a man, so pay attention However...

 

Be careful not to make him wait too long. You may lose out on a really good man if you make him wait too long. A good guy will wait, but not forever (and no one would blame him).

[Mauxly]

Not sleeping right away is a very good idea. You will definitely not regret it later on; and this is coming from a man, so pay attention However...

 

Be careful not to make him wait too long. You may lose out on a really good man if you make him wait too long. A good guy will wait, but not forever (and no one would blame him).

 

How long is too long? I'm sort of chomping at the bit to be honest (it's been a while...)

 

As a man, what is a decent time to wait? I know that now is WAY WAY too soon. A really wise friend told me 3 months (the magic number, when you start to see the real person). I agree whole heartedly.

 

But I can't imagine waiting that long. And, there is something to be said for doing it when there is that new passion, at least, it is really fun. Maybe though a little too much fun...

[JonasWaingaro]

How long is too long? I'm sort of chomping at the bit to be honest (it's been a while...)

 

As a man, what is a decent time to wait? I know that now is WAY WAY too soon. A really wise friend told me 3 months (the magic number, when you start to see the real person). I agree whole heartedly.

 

But I can't imagine waiting that long. And, there is something to be said for doing it when there is that new passion, at least, it is really fun. Maybe though a little too much fun...

 

There's no time limit. I don't buy you can wait too long. If the guys into you, and getting to know you, then he'll have no problem 'waiting'. Anyhoo, get to really know him then decide. No way you know him, nor him you, at this point. Right? Doing it with the new passion (hormonal) is good, but waiting for a time when you really connect (emotionally) is better.

[Mauxly]

There's no time limit. I don't buy you can wait too long. If the guys into you, and getting to know you, then he'll have no problem 'waiting'. Anyhoo, get to really know him then decide. No way you know him, nor him you, at this point. Right? Doing it with the new passion (hormonal) is good, but waiting for a time when you really connect (emotionally) is better.

 

Agreed. Glad to see you on here man!

[oldenoughtoknow]

How long is too long? I'm sort of chomping at the bit to be honest (it's been a while...)

 

As a man, what is a decent time to wait? I know that now is WAY WAY too soon. A really wise friend told me 3 months (the magic number, when you start to see the real person). I agree whole heartedly.

 

But I can't imagine waiting that long. And, there is something to be said for doing it when there is that new passion, at least, it is really fun. Maybe though a little too much fun...

 

My rough guideline (for myself) has always been 3 to 5 real dates (not a quick coffee), or 3 to 4 weeks. Any less just doesn't feel right to me. Any more and I start thinking something's going wrong.

 

It sounds like this guy is in for quite a ride!

[pinkelephant]

He shouldn't have a problem with waiting, as long as you let him know you want him still and have a end date in sight. That's what my boy said when I brought it up. Although, I honestly don't think waiting is necessary when the connection is there. I mean, if it's there, why fight it! I'm still trying to though... and after being celibate for like 2 years, I must say, I FELL YOUR PAIN! Lol

[Mauxly]

My rough guideline (for myself) has always been 3 to 5 real dates (not a quick coffee), or 3 to 4 weeks. Any less just doesn't feel right to me. Any more and I start thinking something's going wrong.

 

It sounds like this guy is in for quite a ride!

 

Two dates down...another one tomorrow!

But I don't think this is the best way for me to go about it. Especially after seeing this thread. Poor girl.

 

 

 

The truth is that it probably doesn't matter how long you wait, if it isn't right sometimes you just don't find out until they do the disapearing act. Never any guarantees in life and I'm not looking of a sure fire way not to get hurt. Just trying to widdle down the odds a bit.

 

I can't really wait until if 'feels right' because I admit that I'm thinking with my vagina and she's singin' my song. To those of you who think the woman should always be the perfect gate keeper, know this: it isn't easy.

[oldenoughtoknow]

Two dates down...another one tomorrow!

But I don't think this is the best way for me to go about it. Especially after seeing this thread. Poor girl.

 

 

 

The truth is that it probably doesn't matter how long you wait, if it isn't right sometimes you just don't find out until they do the disapearing act. Never any guarantees in life and I'm not looking of a sure fire way not to get hurt. Just trying to widdle down the odds a bit.

 

I can't really wait until if 'feels right' because I admit that I'm thinking with my vagina and she's singin' my song. To those of you who think the woman should always be the perfect gate keeper, know this: it isn't easy.

 

Two dates down...but who's counting, huh?

 

Maybe you should have your vagina read that thread. It can be a mean, nasty world out there.

 

I know, I know, you're not listening. Sheesh, I'm starting to fear for this poor guy's safety!

 

(Uh oh, too many smilies...I just couldn't help it.)

[Mauxly]

Two dates down...but who's counting, huh?

 

Maybe you should have your vagina read that thread. It can be a mean, nasty world out there.

 

I know, I know, you're not listening. Sheesh, I'm starting to fear for this poor guy's safety!

 

(Uh oh, too many smilies...I just couldn't help it.)

 

No trust me. I'm listening. Which is why I changed our date tomorrow from me cooking for him at my house to going to a very public place.

 

I'm in full agreement with everyone on here that I need to cool my jets.

[Batya33]

Two dates down...another one tomorrow!

But I don't think this is the best way for me to go about it. Especially after seeing this thread. Poor girl.

 

 

 

The truth is that it probably doesn't matter how long you wait, if it isn't right sometimes you just don't find out until they do the disapearing act. Never any guarantees in life and I'm not looking of a sure fire way not to get hurt. Just trying to widdle down the odds a bit.

 

I can't really wait until if 'feels right' because I admit that I'm thinking with my vagina and she's singin' my song. To those of you who think the woman should always be the perfect gate keeper, know this: it isn't easy.

 

I think it makes a big difference to wait because there's less risk of the disappearing act in a relationship that is serious and committed before having sex. I do think the mindset you describe in your last sentence is unproductive - I didn't see myself as a gatekeeper I simply acted consistently with my personal values and standards when it came to who I shared my body with. The overwhelming majority of men I dated respected that and many felt the same way about their own sexual behaviors and the ones who did not typically stopped calling me very early on. Nothing wrong with prioritizing casual sex or sex early on, just wasn't compatible with me.