Past Relationship Jealously

[Oasis_Fan]

I've been reading a few posts about this topic. I'm happy to know that I am not the only person suffering from this problem. I'm 22 and he's 29 and I am with the man of my dreams. I had 2 sexual relationships before him and he had 12. He believes that I am out of his league, so when we first met he felt that he wasn't good enough for me so he decided to tell me very detailed sexual things about his past to make himself look better which I still dwell on to this day.

 

I feel like he did everything! I feel like I am experiencing all of these 'firsts' with him, and he's already been there and done that.

I obsess over the fact that he proposed to some other girl before and spent time with her son....

And then there's all the sexual one night stands he shared all the sexual details with me.....I can't get this stuff out of my head.

 

I believe this could end our relationship if it doesn't stop now.

 

The worst thing is, he's so sick of hearing me bring up his past (because I just want reasurrance from him) that we end up arguing.

 

I have a question: Is there anyone here who sought professional counselling, and found it actually helped?

 

I just want to know because it's so damn expensive. I'm going through hell here so I am willing to try it if it does anything at all to help. I feel like I read so many articles and tried so many things that nothing will help me.....

[vaporleak]

I had 2 sexual relationships before him and he had 12.

 

This is sooooo not-fair to you right, you virginal creature, you "out of his league" girl, who will be old in about 4-ish years... because your younger sister and her friends will be graduating high school, and guess who is virginal then... not you!!!!!

 

WAKE UP.

 

He likes you because you are young and perky, and this is the pattern of most men.

 

You deserve 12 (safe) sexual relationships yourself!!!! EEEEEEEEf.... this older loser. He probably has an STD... fyi. You won't believe me though, you'll be 28 years old, looking at this post, thinking, VAPORLEAK was right. I'm right my dear.

[Oasis_Fan]

No No you don't understand. This man is my soulmate and he treats me like gold. I knew I should of spent more time explaining my situation.

He was just insecure when we met and said a lot of detailed things that I couldn't handle.

I still appreciate your response. I wondered that myself, maybe the problem is I need to get out there and experience more relationships... but even that thought breaks my heart.

He tried to help me through this but he is getting frusterated because I bring it up ALL the time ...I am even frusterated with myself.

Believe me, if I never met him I would probably have a lot more sexual partners by now. But I found my soul mate at the age of 19 ..now im 22 (we are together now for 2.5 years) and I'm constantly thinking about his colourful past instead

[misssmithviii]

I have the same issue honestly, only difference is I keep it on the down low it comes out every now and then, but completely in control and calm because I would rather suck it up and try to work it out myself (or call my best friend for therapy) than unleash my jealous, insecure and disrespectful wrath on my bf.

 

What helps me honestly (and as weird as this may sound) is thinking about the crazy stuff I've done in the past before him. It helps me put things into perspective and realize that if he held all those things against me, it wouldn't be right of him either - and I really wouldn't want him bringing up my lifestyle in the past. I'm sure it bothers him to know it (and he's told me it bothers him) but we don't mention it.

 

It's a good rule. Also, if there's EVER a moment that you're uneasy, feeling like you're not the first etc etc - just remember the first is not always the best (in fact it rarely ever is). Explain your feelings to your man lightly and hopefully he'll allow you to confide in him... oh and tell him to QUIT telling you the details of his past...

[Oasis_Fan]

I hardly did anything in my past (compared to him)

He also doesn't tell me anything to hurt me anymore.

I've also been trying to keep it on the down low lately -but I find that causes me depression and I cry a lot when I do that because it seems like I'm holding it all in.

I agree that he doesn't deserve me bringing up his past. He treats me like a queen and I know I need more confidence in myself but no matter what anyone tells me, I find myself thinking about it anyway.

 

I also had a problem with his mother and sister. They used to mention his ex's a lot in front of me and they talked to them on facebook ALL the time. I had a hard time listening to them and I feel like I have a lot of anger towards them, like I'm holding a grudge. I just want these feelings to stop. I'm sick of feeling like I'm nothing...

[vaporleak]

I hardly did anything in my past (compared to him)

He also doesn't tell me anything to hurt me anymore.

I've also been trying to keep it on the down low lately -but I find that causes me depression and I cry a lot when I do that because it seems like I'm holding it all in.

 

It's just really sad that you are still a baby, and you want to devote yourself to some loser. Sorry... it's my firm opinion. You deserve multiple sexual partners, you deserve to learn about yourself... this is just a random guy.

 

I'm almost 30, and trust me, I've loved hard, but I wish there was a mom, sister, aunt, anyone, who would have stopped me from getting obsessed with some RANDOM man... I wish that daily.

 

In 5 years, you'll get it, but nobody can make you get it now.

[MauiGirl]

When I was your age (and younger) I always seemed to date older....the same age difference with you and your BF. That's not the problem here.

The problem is him telling you details about his past. It's normal for us to compare ourselves with the 'exes', but when he tells you all the sexual details....as well as one night stands! That's crossing the line.

Most people here are gonna tell you to end it with him.....and I can see why.

Insecure now....insecure always. It's not going to end, and you will always feel like this.

You should find someone that makes you feel good about yourself, and is man enough to keep the past to himself.

[MauiGirl]

BTW.....you're gonna get counselling because of HIS insecurities? I wouldn't waste my money. Been there....done that. It doesn't make any difference....you're not the one with a problem.

[Sparkly Eyes]

yeah, I can't understand why he told you all that. Some guys do it tho, to make themselves look good, such an idiotic act. You know what I would be concerned about if I were you? that if you ever break up, he is gonna share all the details of your relationship with others.

[amipushy]

Millions of people do the things he did (and more!) but hardly any are of such bad character that they would tell someone they care about. He was thoughtless, selfish, bigheaded and worse said it all deliberately to hurt you.

 

Its not the jealousy thing your having difficulty dealing with, it's the fact that he is such a low life that he would do that to you.

[Oasis_Fan]

I think everyone's getting the impression that he's some kind of huge jerk.

He told me these things when we first starting going out (2.5 years ago) I know he was wrong, but he also told me a lot of beautiful things about myself too. He tell me those bad things anymore, he tries his best to make me feel better, but I bring it up so much that he's sick of hearing it and we argue....

He's a wonderful man. He just made that mistake and I'm obsessing over it like a freak.

I've always had serious self-esteem issues my whole life.

[joachim]

wait... so a guy brings up his past and the girl has a problem with it = the guy is a jerk and insecure because of what he did.

 

but when a girl brings up her past and the guy has a problem with = the guy is a jerk and insecure for not letting go of the past.

 

 

I am beginning to see a trend here.

[TurtleDove12]

I think everyone's getting the impression that he's some kind of huge jerk.

He told me these things when we first starting going out (2.5 years ago) I know he was wrong, but he also told me a lot of beautiful things about myself too. He tell me those bad things anymore, he tries his best to make me feel better, but I bring it up so much that he's sick of hearing it and we argue....

He's a wonderful man. He just made that mistake and I'm obsessing over it like a freak.

I've always had serious self-esteem issues my whole life.

 

Yes. See a therapist. Consider couples counseling.

 

While he shouldn't have put those thoughts in your head, if you both really care about each other and want to make it work, then you will. If you just give up like some people are saying to eff as many people as possible...uhhh.

 

I'm not saying you'll be with this guy forever. But if you end it now, over this, you will regret not trying.

 

Therapy helps a lot. Puts a lot of things in perspective for you.

 

It's easy to be jealous. Just remember that he cares about YOU and is in YOUR bed at the end of the day. Nobody elses. That's what really matters.

[Oasis_Fan]

Yes. See a therapist. Consider couples counseling.

 

While he shouldn't have put those thoughts in your head, if you both really care about each other and want to make it work, then you will. If you just give up like some people are saying to eff as many people as possible...uhhh.

 

I'm not saying you'll be with this guy forever. But if you end it now, over this, you will regret not trying.

 

Therapy helps a lot. Puts a lot of things in perspective for you.

 

It's easy to be jealous. Just remember that he cares about YOU and is in YOUR bed at the end of the day. Nobody elses. That's what really matters.

 

Yes we are planning a future together. Everyone seems to think he's an A-hole, but I must have made the wrong impression of him, because he's not. He treats me amazingly. I know he made a horrible mistake and sometimes I hate him for it, but I know I want to get past this more then anything.

I know in my gut and in my heart that will we be always be together -but it's hard to explain our relationship online so people can understand!

Turtledove -Did you ever get counselling for anything like this?

[TurtleDove12]

Yes we are planning a future together. Everyone seems to think he's an A-hole, but I must have made the wrong impression of him, because he's not. He treats me amazingly. I know he made a horrible mistake and sometimes I hate him for it, but I know I want to get past this more then anything.

I know in my gut and in my heart that will we be always be together -but it's hard to explain our relationship online so people can understand!

Turtledove -Did you ever get counselling for anything like this?

 

If he's not bringing these things up anymore, then the problem lies mostly with you.

 

He made a mistake. It's done. Now it's time to move forward.

 

Yes I did. It helps.

[Unknown1607307972]

wait... so a guy brings up his past and the girl has a problem with it = the guy is a jerk and insecure because of what he did.

 

but when a girl brings up her past and the guy has a problem with = the guy is a jerk and insecure for not letting go of the past.

 

 

I am beginning to see a trend here.

 

I don't think this way. I have an issue with my boyfriend's previous partner for many stupid insecure reasons and therefore I just asked him to not mention her to me. I said to him however that if it bothers him then I will not mention my ex at all either. He simply said he doesn't mind as long as I am not constantly going on about him...he says that what matters is that I am with him now and not my ex.

 

And he is right...I just wish it'd sink in to my head too

[Oasis_Fan]

If he's not bringing these things up anymore, then the problem lies mostly with you.

 

He made a mistake. It's done. Now it's time to move forward.

 

Yes I did. It helps.

 

Thanks Turtledove. I appreciate your posts. I know the problem lies with me. There's times when I feel on top of the world, and there are other times when I think about his past so much I make myself sick.

[Oasis_Fan]

I don't think this way. I have an issue with my boyfriend's previous partner for many stupid insecure reasons and therefore I just asked him to not mention her to me. I said to him however that if it bothers him then I will not mention my ex at all either. He simply said he doesn't mind as long as I am not constantly going on about him...he says that what matters is that I am with him now and not my ex.

 

And he is right...I just wish it'd sink in to my head too

 

Before we started our relationship and when we first started going out, he used to give me a lot of details about his past sexual relationships to boost his ego. He thought I was very self confident (wrong!) and thought I could handle it.

This is honestly the hardest thing I've ever been through in my life! If I posted exactly what he said, I bet everyone would wonder how I'm even still with him.

But he also said a lot of amazing things to me about how perfect I am and how I'm the best and all of that. But I seem to focus on the horrible things he said 2 and a half years ago!

 

I've been reading a lot of other threads about this problem and my heart goes out to everyone who suffers from this ridiculous emotional problem.

[DavidL]

Hi,

 

What exactly is it about his past that makes you so upset to think about?

Why do you care if he was sexual with other women BEFORE he met you? Why do you care if he proposed to another woman BEFORE he met you?

Can you think deeply about this and try to figure out what it is that is causing you to feel this way..

- do you feel like he will compare you to other women?

- do you feel like you will never live up to what they had with him?

- do you feel like you should have experienced your 'first' together.

 

What are the underlying beliefs that are causing you to feel this way.

 

The past is that past, that's it. You cannot judge him based on that. He didn't know you then. Plus, as one member mentioned previously, you first time is never the best. It gets better the more you do it.

 

I think you are placing too much importance on the issue of him being sexual with other women. It may help the rest of us understand the situation better if you were to mention what exactly it was that he told you.

 

I am also interested to hear what has been his response to your questioning. You said you start to argue, but what is his reaction?

 

Hope this helps

 

David L

[Oasis_Fan]

Thanks for your post, David.

Well, I compare myself to other women (always have) all the time and I know that's not normal -so that's one thing.

I wish we could have experienced our first but that's not really what's bugging me. He's says I am the best thing that ever happened to him and in my heart, I believe so there is no problem there.

I believe that I am holding a grudge against him for saying things ...that I don't think I can repeat here because they are too sexually detailed. Really detailed stuff. I'm having trouble forgiving him for putting me through this.

When I bring it up, he gets frusterated because I bring it up often because I feel like I want him to say something to help me feel better. He gets irritated and I then I get irritated with him for not "being there for me" and we argue.

[DavidL]

ok so think about this question:

 

If he could say those things to you that would make you feel better, what would they be? What can he possibly say to make you move on from the past?

 

You say you are having trouble forgiving him for putting you through this, how did you feel when he initially told you? Where you happy to listen then? where you impressed? did him make you more attractive in your eyes?

 

I am trying to understand what possible things he could have said to make you feel this way... was it a description of the sexual encounter in detail? I think without knowing anymore about this its difficult to understand fully what you are going through.

[Oasis_Fan]

ok so think about this question:

 

If he could say those things to you that would make you feel better, what would they be? What can he possibly say to make you move on from the past?

 

You say you are having trouble forgiving him for putting you through this, how did you feel when he initially told you? Where you happy to listen then? where you impressed? did him make you more attractive in your eyes?

 

I am trying to understand what possible things he could have said to make you feel this way... was it a description of the sexual encounter in detail? I think without knowing anymore about this its difficult to understand fully what you are going through.

 

Well he told me very descriptive things about sex that haunt me still. He told me that he once had a one night stand and his *you know* was too big for her and she was chinese and she said that he had a big american c*** so they had sex.

(I just had a really hard time typing that .............)

When he told me things like this I didn't like it at all but I shook it off because we weren't in a relationship. Then when we started a relationship it began to really bother me and now after 2.5 years, it hurts even more than it did before. (He also said a few hurtful things in the beginning of the relationship as well. Unfortunately I can think of a few more stories he told me that are as bad as that one.)

 

He tells me that he overexaggerated a lot but I'm not stupid. It still happened. He tries to tell me that I'm the best he's ever had and I'm the most beautiful and they were all ugly ...but this is still very difficult for me.

 

I think the only thing that he could say to make me feel better is that it was a complete lie in the first place. But I know that can't possibly happen without him lying because it did happen.

[TurtleDove12]

I'm sorry, but, you need to let it go. He's not the same person he was then. People generally don't enter relationships as virgins.

 

You should seek counseling. And if he's not telling you this stuff anymore, then he shouldn't be a part of it. He's committed to you, and is in your bed, and is not with anyone else, so the problem is yours to bear. So go to a therapist. Talk about it. You think you'll find the answers here on ENA? Please. See an expert.

[Oasis_Fan]

Thanks Turtledove.

It's just I have a past too -it's much smaller, but I didn't put him through the details of the sex. That's just wrong. I'm angry at him for being so ignorant.

I trying really hard to move past all the sexually detailed things he told me. I need to forgive him but some days are more difficult than others.

The other day I brought it up again! (I always bring it up and it drives him insane.) We had an argument and started yelling at each other. In the end, he took my hand and held me as I cried.

I felt better ever since. I just want to be able to talk about it instead of being yelled at everytime I bring it up. But he has so much trouble talking about it and admitting he was wrong, I'm usually afraid I'll start an argument.

 

Oh, is there a way to delete that post I made about his one night stand?

[Unknown1607307972]

Before we started our relationship and when we first started going out, he used to give me a lot of details about his past sexual relationships to boost his ego. He thought I was very self confident (wrong!) and thought I could handle it.

This is honestly the hardest thing I've ever been through in my life! If I posted exactly what he said, I bet everyone would wonder how I'm even still with him.

But he also said a lot of amazing things to me about how perfect I am and how I'm the best and all of that. But I seem to focus on the horrible things he said 2 and a half years ago!

 

I've been reading a lot of other threads about this problem and my heart goes out to everyone who suffers from this ridiculous emotional problem.

 

My boyfriend did this a little too. He later confessed to me that it was all extremely exaggerated to try to show me what he likes sexually when we were not together but heading that way. He says looking back it was a bad idea.

 

The worst part is that I myself do it now, I have this epic love story going in my head staring them. It's stupid, he says I am the first girl he's actually been in love with because what he had before was mistaken for love. He says I am the best he's had sexually, I'm the most attractive girl he's been with and he's never felt so close to a girl before. He says this stuff often.

 

But of course when I see any trace of their relationship I feel sick, I hold a stupid grudge (I don't act on it of course). Picturing them having sex...not something I do on purpose...makes me feel horrible. The stupid thing is that I was no virgin either when we got together...