ex's finding out about me but still not contact

[monicaa]

Hi, this is my first post to this forum... really helpful advice and warm community. I have a question that would like your opinion about. My ex broke up with me nearly 4 months ago, his argument "I think I don't deserve a girl like you... please remain friends"

I kind of do no contact because in a couple of occasions I called him and asked to see him... it was more like my instinct that told me to take my time to heal. I love him very much, though I try to give him his space for it was painful to see him around.

I have casual contact with some mutual friends, and this guy who is a good friend of his gets along with me. In a couple of times I asked him about my ex to find out that he is not dating anyone but that he is very stressed and obsessed with work.

Lately his friend lead the conversation to talk about him, and several of his comment on different occasions are to find out if I'm dating again or meeting new guys, not direct questions about that but I know it is about that when he says "what's up with the guy at the gym..." if I ran into him and in the conversation I mention "I'm going to see this great movie" he says "who is it that you are going with"... I wouldnt think that he has interest in me because he has a long term relationship, so I feel that he is asking because he is close to my ex and tell him about what I do.

He also has mentioned several times that my ex is a very strict guy that makes tough decisions for which he regrets about later. The other day, we talked about school and work and I mentioned that I hoped that he'll be doing better and that I was concerned about he being fine... but as some people advice me before to do that in a peace and relaxed way as to show that I care but I still have a life....and he said "your ex takes such decisions for which he regrets"... I asked what did he meant but didn't wanted to explain.

My question is, given that I know my ex is insecure and proud he would not contact me (sadly, but not in a very short term at least)... why is he interested in knowing if I'm dating again or not? I have even though about start dating just as to let my ex see that I'm starting to do alright. Is he just interested as to get the guts to contact me again... or to feel free to move on? what are your opinions?

[single30]

My advice? Move on. Stay friends, but move on. If he likes you he will come around and let you know. If he doesn't, then at least you would have moved on with your life. He may have been trying to protect you from feeling badly. : )

Good luck.

[a_little_sparrow]

monicaa,

 

I think you need to be careful how much you're reading into what your ex's friend is telling you. Ultimately, what matters is whether your ex actually contacts you or not. And considering the amount of information this friend has discovered from talking with you, the red carpet has been put out.

 

Perhaps an important question to ask yourself is are you not dating because you're waiting for your ex to come back? If that's the case, you're stuck in a bad spot, and you should listen to single@30. Push off, live your life for yourself not him. That doesn't mean your feelings for him will suddnely evaporate. A good friend of mine pointed out that moving on doesn't mean I can't love my ex anymore. That's going to be there no matter what. The important distinction is that I start making decisions for myself only. By breaking up with me, she has asked not to be a part of my life anymore, and I need to respect that decision by being somewhat selfish, and making decisions for myself alone.

 

I hope that helps.

[monicaa]

thank you for your advice!!

 

single@30, so you think his friend might be "protecting me from feeling badly"?

 

a_little_sparrow, what do you mean "the red carpet has been put out"?

I like what you say about "being somewhat selfish, and making decisions for myself alone"

 

I do have been in a couple of casual dates, but maybe I was afraid of letting him or his friends think that I didn't care about him or didn't care about the relationship. Somehow I felt as if I was doing something wrong... I know this is not logical because we are not together anymore... but he got very insecure of any guy that talked to me while we were together...

I want to get back together, and some friend of mine told me to get on with my life first to demonstrate security. thereforeeee, I have tried to be consistent about being and acting happy. I do try sometimes to avoid asking about him or about how he's doing...

a question is that what an impact would it be for an ex to know that I began dating again? would it be a good idea to begin telling his friend that I'm accepting invitations?

[a_little_sparrow]

hey monicaa,

 

The red carpet refers to the fact that your ex's friend has been pumping you for pertinent information, like are you dating someone else, etc. Knowledge that would make any phone call of the ex's not seem completely out of place.

 

It sounds to me you're avoiding dating for his benefit. You know, you can not date people just because you don't feel like you're up to it. That's where I am right now. I woud love for my ex to come back. But I'm not avoiding other women becaues of her. I'm doing it because I know I woud be completely miserable on a date. I would be thinking only of the ex and not of this woman I'm with. It's just me being honest with myself.

 

The point being, whatever actions you decide to take, you need to do them for your benefit, not his. Don't avoid dating because you're afraid of what him or his friends might think. If you're going to avoid dating, do it because you don't think you're ready to date right now.

 

You can do other things that help you move on. One thing that came up on this site before was a list of things that would be helpful. One thing that's especially helpful is to make a list of things you've always wanted to do. Even making the list can be fun. And then take one of those challenges on.

 

The other thing that I found helpful is praying. Whether it be a Christian God, or any other higher power, it's often very comforting to me to know I can never have total control. And that God (or whatever higher power you believe in) has my best interest in mind. It helps me to remember it's OK to let go even when every part of me doesn't want to let go.

 

In my opinion, the best thing you can do at this point is try to let go. This doesn't mean you're ruling out your ex coming back to you. Only the waiting FOR HIM that you're doing.

[JT]

Yea sounds like your waiting for him to come back. I am kinda in his situation, yet I'm dating again. And about the pride thing.. I'm defenitely too proud to go back. No way, now how.. never! But Im' like that.. I'll hold a grudge for a long time. Gotta face the facts.. I'd rather be alone then be with her.