wondering about the psychology of cheaters...

[stormie]

I guess I"m wondering about that of my ex husband's.

 

Where does all the anger come from? I've asked that question before, but I guess I need to be reassured...

 

I really did think I had a very good marriage - I loved my husband and I thought he loved me. But one day, I found out he was cheating on me with a new coworker and three days after I found out, I came home and all of his things were gone. I was served with divorce papers the week after. It was an emotionally hellish thing for me to go through after what I thought was a good 10 year marriage.

 

The thing is that he and his new girlfriend flaunted it, and they were very angry with me out of all people. For instance, he would have her send me emails talking about how my husband wasn't satisfied cause I did a lot of studying, and not pay attention to him, etc. She literally outlined all the supposed bad things I did, even though my husband never told me that any of those things bothered him. They (meaning my ex husband and his new girlfriend) were very angry with me as if I was the devil incarnate.

 

She also told a friend of mine that she had my cat put to sleep because the cat (that belonged to me and my husband) disgusts her.

 

The thing is that my ex husband fed her all of my information for her to torture me with in writing. Like she'd know things about my past which I considered to be personal, and she posted it on an internet forum along with my name and workplace. She also posted a picture of her and the baby she had from my husband.

 

So here's the thing: What did I ever do to my ex husband that he would treat me so mean?? I mean where does all that anger come from and why?? Why would anyone not feel guilty about torturing the person they once loved?? I've always been a "shy" type of girl, never upfront - I'm not a loud mouth or anything, but very passive, so there is no reason for people to treat me aggressively.

 

Then on top of that, his parents completely disowned me - like whatever my ex husband fed him in lies, they totally believed it.

 

It bothers me because of the obvious - but then here's the thing: I told my cousin about the way my husband treated me, and he said, "Wow, that is so mean! Are you sure YOU didn't do anything to him?? I cannot understand why else anyone would be so angry!

 

I have to admit that comment bothers me, because it sure did not treat my husband badly - are you kidding? I was proud of my marriage! :sad:

[Nerdyjock]

This is very odd. 10 years of good marriage and he does all of this?

 

If you say you didn't do anything, I certainly believe you. Is there nothing, looking back, that hinted at you that he was basically capable of being heartless?

[Staple]

You didn't do anything. Don't blame yourself please? The guy is obviously a bad person. Sorry this happened to you. We sometimes talk about cheating on here and how painful it is, but I can only imagine how someone married, especially for such a long time, would feel

 

Let me add a little bit of insight? You didn't do anything to him, he just convinced himself that you were. I know I'm in no position to argue, but that is what my girlfriend did to me after 2 years together. She convinced herself that I was a monster so that she could justify her sleeping with another guy she had a crush on. The truth was I never did anything that justified it, unless you count taking her out all the time, buying her things, telling her how beautiful she is, etc... is something.

 

The fact is, your husband is just shielding himself from guilt so that he doesn't feel selfish and he doesn't lose his own self-respect with regards to his actions.

 

I'll bet you that he will regret what he did and call you back eventually, but you should be strong and throw him out of your life for good. If you have children, take custody and don't trust them with this guy. Sorry again that this happened.

[shes2smart]

The fact is, your husband is just shielding himself from guilt so that he doesn't feel selfish and he doesn't lose his own self-respect with regards to his actions.

 

Totally agree.

 

If he focuses on and exaggerates your bad points or rough times in your relationship and demonizes you, then he's got justification for what he did.

 

If he can convince those around him you and your relationship were horrible and he had no choice but to escape, he can make believe he doesn't have to deal with them conedemning his behavior, either.

[Staple]

^ Exactly. This is EXACTLY what my girlfriend did to me. She kept telling me that I was an "a-hole" and that I treated her badly. It took me prodding to find out exactly what I did to realize that it was all so trivial and that I actually didn't do anything to deserve this. I never treated her badly, etc..., she just seemed to pull out random excuses for cheating ("You don't like my music!" is my favorite).

 

It became blatantly obvious--she was trying to convince herself that I'm bad so as to justify her desire to have sex with the guy she had a crush on even before meeting me.

Seriously, don't listen to him, and don't believe him. Because there is no way you did anything to deserve being cheated on, period. Don't let these types of bad people bring you down.

[lostandhurt]

Stormie,

You are a reminder to both of them what they are. CHEATERS!!! Your ex says all these things because what else can he say? He can't go around telling people: "I was a selfish jerk that cheated on a wonderful woman that loved me dearly" so he makes this stuff up to try and make what he did less of a thing.

To his gf you are threat so she attacks you. The best defense is a good offense as they say so she needs to make you look as bad as possible to anyone that will listen so she doesn't look like a homewrecker. Who do you think is the talk of the workplace? They are and cheaters are like cockroaches, they don't like the light shown on them.

 

You should have heard some of the things my ex said about me right after I caught her. Funny thing is she had given me a birthday card only days earlier telling me how wonderful I was and what a lucky woman she was to have me. I actually believed some of it for a few days till my friends kicked my butt and I snapped out of it.

 

If the gf posted lies about you in public in the written form you can sue her if you like. It is up to you though.

They are cheaters, liars and very selfish so don't think they will be anything but these things.

 

Get on with your life and meet someone that isn't selfish and a liar so you can have a real relationship with a real man, unlike the dirt bag you were once married to.

 

Lost

[Staple]

You should have heard some of the things my ex said about me right after I caught her. Funny thing is she had given me a birthday card only days earlier telling me how wonderful I was and what a lucky woman she was to have me. I actually believed some of it for a few days till my friends kicked my butt and I snapped out of it.

 

So sad =(. Mine was sending me facebook messages about how much she loved me literally while she was having sex with the other guy. I hate her so much.

 

Seriously OP please learn from us. Don't let your husband make you feel responsible for being cheated on. It's a dangerous thought.

[QuirkyCute]

As far as the psychology of cheaters is concerned, your ex-husband's behavior here is textbook. Usually, even though everything is wonderful in the marriage (to both of them), the cheater will justify their actions by "pretending" that there are problems. They tell the OM/OW about these "problems" (which, usually, center entirely around the BS), and the OM/OW laps it up. They both have to believe that the BS is a horrible person so that they can continue what they are doing while feeling justified. Eventually, the WS believes everything that they have lied about to be true. You see, the BS didn't have to do anything but exist to have all this happen. All that had to be there was an incomplete WS.... usually a person with serious (or a serious) character flaws, one of them being conflict avoidance.

 

The truth will be found out one day, OP. I promise. The people you are describing are truly heartless. I don't know if you believe that people reap what they sow, but I do, and I'll believe it for you Do not blame yourself for what these people are doing. It truly has nothing to do with you personally, and everything to do with them. A previous poster stated that you can sue this OW. You most certainly can (she has crossed the line), and it is something to think about.

[Staple]

And the thing about the cat, how horrible. Wow I honestly hate cheaters. Such disgusting people.

[lavenderdove]

People who are selfish enough to cheat usually are not the most caring/empathetic people or they wouldn't do it to begin with.

 

So they did something pretty sleazy (get together while he was married to you), and most people are not sympathetic to that, so they need to build sympathy with others and behave/think in ways that justify their behavior. So they rewrite history to make YOU the bad guy rather than themselves, to justfy why they would do something so selfish and sleazy. They need to feel good about themselves (and have others think well of their bad behavior) so they instead cast you in that evil role to try to rationalize it. Sometimes that behavior is conscious, and other times unconscious.

 

So really, you could do nothing wrong at all and still receive this kind of bad treatment because of who THEY are, not who YOU are. From the sound of it, the nasty two of them deserve each other, and you are far better off without him.

 

Also, many women who got their man by stealing someone else's husband/boyfriend feel very insecure and will spend a lot of time running down the ex-wife/former girlfriend to make themselves feel more powerful and in control. They want to make sure their man never goes back to his ex, and they want to cast themselves in a positive light and the former partner in a negative light to rationalize it was OK to steal him from her.