Is this normal in a LDR?

[TijuanaJones]

Hi there!

 

I'll try to sum things up as much as I can.

 

Last year, I met a wonderful girl just 4 months before coming to Germany to study an MBA.

 

She was everything I ever wanted in a girl: intelligent, georgeous, classy, funny, and happy... the problem is that she had a boyfriend, and the thing was serious, but they had been in a LDR for 2 years, after living in the same city for another year.

 

So I decided that it was ok to go out with her as friends, no harm done, I tought, since I was leaving anyway... but we really hit it off and had incredible "dates"... to make a long story short, we started to develop feelings and I stopped talking to her over a minor thing that happened and I left to Germany.

 

After a couple of months, I reestablished contact, we kept talking on MSN, phone, etc, and I was very happy for her, since she was going to get engaged. Seeing all things lost for me, I stopped hiding my feelings and told her about them, but she didn't seem to be weird about it. I even told her that she shouldn't marry her BF and marry me instead.

 

Fast forward to end of February when the BF breaks up the engagement with her for the 4TH TIME! but this time, it was ugly. She turned to me, as we became good friends, so I helped her through her healing process, and after some time I told her that I didn't want her to see me as just another friend, and that I still had feelings for her. She did too secretly, she spilled the beans! A couple of months later I travel back to Mexico just to see her, spend 12 days there, we have a marvelous time, we kiss, we cuddle, we like each other very much. But we decided to wait til I get back to Mexico, in 3.5 months.

 

I go back to Germany, things are great, we get a little too much sappy and corny, I realized it was something probably exaggerated. Then she gets mad over some minor thing, but some weeks later it gets slowly back to normal, but never again to the sappy, lovey-dovey stuff, just a little, she seems too sensitive, trying to measure my boundaries.

 

She still says she cares about me, she feels nice things and wants to try things out when I go back, but we both are feeling a little sensitive about it and are cautious. We talk almost every day... Ok, everyday, but 5 days ago I decided to give her space and didn't talk to her for a day, since she was acting a little weird with me, but it seems like the plan backfired as we spoke briefly some days ago and she now seems distant and cold. She is not talking to me...

 

The thing is: It is now 1.5 months until I go back, so I don't know if I should endure this or call it quits, because sometimes it feels terrible when she is treating me not so good. Is it normal? Is it distance? Is she afraid that I might hurt her like the other guy?

 

Thanks for the patience and advice!

[Nerdyjock]

I can only begin to approach this from a "if this were me" perspective.

 

Considering how you two began dating - she turning to you right after an engagement break off - I would not feel the relationship was built on a solid foundation.

 

I don't doubt her feelings for you based on what you wrote. But, a LDR is hard enough as it is. Adding in there the foundation that you two started on (not the strongest way to start - her with a broken heart), it just spells bad news. If you two are having these sorts of issues (again, if it were me), I wouldn't be able to shake the thought of our origins... and ultimately I wouldn't be able to last...happily anyway.

 

Have you ever seen what happens to buildings in third world countries when they are built over grounds with hollow caves underneath?

[TijuanaJones]

Thanks for the reply Nerdy

 

I agree with you that this didn't start on the best circumstances, even though we had feelings for each other since we met, and she was not fully convinced about marrying the other guy.

 

Oh, and no, I have never seen those kind of buildings! LOL. I have never been to a 3rd world country before! But I know what you mean.

[Nerdyjock]

I know it's not easy when you love/really like someone to make decisions like this. If you decide to try and work it out, be completely straight forward with her.

 

Don't try to assume you know how she feels. When you gave her space because she was acting weird - she may have needed more comfort instead - hence the backfiring. Maybe not. The point is, both people in a relationship need to communicate if something is being done (or not being done) that is making them feel a way that makes them act "weird".

[OptomisticGirl]

Normally I would say the way you began didn't help but my fiance and I met on here when I was going through a break up. If anything him being there (even though we rarely talked about the break up) created a solid foundation with us.

 

I think the distance could have something to do with it. When you argue any kind of LDR that is more than an hour or two, it makes the argument 10x worse. In person you can apologize, make up, and show you are sorry. Even in a few hours LDR you can drive and do that. On a magnitude of our LDR, you just can't. You can apologize, you can 'make up', and you can even show you are sorry, but it's so much harder to do. I always feel in the midst of an argument with my fiance those 4,000 miles between us feels like 12,000.

 

Have you recently asked her why she seems so cold and distant? Or why things changed between you? Or let her know you are bothered by all this? If you haven't said anything she may think you don't care or don't notice and that is just making her more distant.

[TijuanaJones]

Hi OptimisticGirl!

 

Thank you for your insight!

 

It is very hard to ask her anything about how she feels, I guess she feels cornered or trapped so it is very difficult to know about what she is feeling.

 

Indirectly, I know that she loves me, even though she rarely says it, but she keeps telling me about things she wants us to do in the future, places to go to, friends of her that she would like me to meet, things like that, but at the same time she kind of picks fights, telling me to go out with other girls, invite them to dinner, things like that.

 

She keeps telling me about every single guy that hits on her, or asks her out and she refuses. Seems like she is getting a big ego, probably to compensate about how she felt after her break up.

 

Now I tried being sweet again, telling her she is my little girl. She replied: "Am I your little girl?" -Yeah- I said. "Let me think about it... for a year, what do you think about that?" I don't get those changes in behavior! One minute she says she wants to kiss me and be with me, the next she is telling me stuff like that.

 

She had her period a couple of days ago, but I don't know if that would make her be like that... Seems like she doesn't want me to take her for granted or feel insecure about her while we are apart. I feel unapreciated and sometimes I wonder if I should stop being treated like that and give up on her. What's the point of being with someone that doesn't make me feel special and loved? At the same time, it is now just 40 days until I see her again so maybe I should endure the crazyness for a while.

 

Do you think she might be trying to test me to see if I will stick with her even thru hard times? (not like her ex-fiance) Maybe she is doing this subconsciously...

 

Thank you!