He breaks up with me...and wants me back 2 hours later

[angela89]

So in a nut shell:

 

Bf of 10 months breaks up with me for various reasons (we've had our ups and down and lately we've been arguing over petty things more and more). Here's the kicker: he does this at night after we spend an amazing day together. He's crying uncontrollably while telling me his reasons; saying he doesn't want to do this to me, but couldn't deal with things anymore.

 

2 hours later, he's rambling about how he's making a huge stupid mistake, and wants me back. Um.....

 

So now its been 2 weeks, we're "on a break" because i don't know what to do. The ball is completely in my court, so its up to me now to make or break this off. I'm very much in love with him, and he's crazy in love with me and will do anything to get me back.

 

Would you accept your SO back into your life after he/she puts you through an emotional rollercoaster like that? I guess you would need more context for an assesment like this...but i'm looking for extremely general opinions here.

[thankyou]

I think sometimes we all do things in life that in the moment seem right, or logical to do, but soon we regret or change our minds. He probably had a lot on his mind and felt that he couldn't deal with always argueing and being upset, but once he went through with it, quickly realized that it was worth it for love. There is nothing wrong with that, he made a mistake and hurt you- so that is hard- but hardly worth two weeks of being with out you.

 

It would be one thing if he called a week later- but he called 2 hours later, and it was his first time pulling a move like that. He clearly saw how much you meant to him, and how he was just overwhelmed. If this was an ongoing thing, that would be extreme. Then he would be putting you on a rollercoaster repeatedly that isnt fair or considerate of your feelings. i say you forgive the kid and give it another shot, after talking about why he decided to do it, and making sure it was a one-time mistake.

If he does it again- then you have some things to think about, but for now, you're all set. I think i can tell you want him back too, and you both would be a lot happier together!

 

Hope that helps.

[Puckdog27]

We all say things in haste and sometimes out of anger. If this is the first time and you want to stay, give him a second chance, but remind him up front if he says it again you will assume he means it. Otherwise it becomes a control issue as a way to win and avoid compromise I.e. when he isn't getting his way he will break up with you knowing you will take him back

[Blue Skittles]

What is the context here? What is bothering him? What were his reasons for wanting to bail out?

 

It sounds like he is under a lot of stress and maybe needs your support. If you really love him then you should be there for him but definitely let him know your feelings and that you were very hurt by this and I'm sure he's learned his lesson and it will not happen again.

[faithful14]

I had an ex-boyfriend who would break up with me after any kind of argument we had. He had no idea that just because two people have disagree on something, it doesn't mean you need to break up. He had no control over his emotions and would just break up with me when he got angry or upset. I did end up taking him back a few times thinking he learned his lesson but in the end, he never did. So the last time he lost control, I ended it for good.

 

I'm not really sure what's happening in your guys' arguments, but my only advice is that you can give him a second chance. But tell him that he shouldn't just bust out the "break up" card everytime he's upset or can't control himself. It's really hurtful to hear those words and then go through the motions of the breakup just to find out he didn't mean it.

[Nerdyjock]

Hi Angela,

 

I am in your shoes...this happened to me several weeks ago and hours after it happened he has begged me back.

 

If there was not some specific, irreparable problem, I believe in 2nd chances. If your relationship was fulfilling, happy, and had trust before he brokeup with you, I think humans are capable of mistakes and 2nd chances are ok. More than a 2nd chance, though, is only feeding an endless cycle of breakups and reconciliations.

 

For the record, though, I haven't taken my guy back yet...if I'm even going to. I still have to work it out for myself..and figure out of the reason why he broke up is something that's going to be in my mind forever.

 

Let us know what happens!

[Spawn]

Usually these kinda pattern in a relationship is observed cause of insecurity.

 

Something is bothering him.

 

Try to reason with him why exactly he is behaving like this.

 

Agreed, you both had arguments and he breaks up, but distancing yourself from him and thinking " the ball is in your court" won't actually help matters for both of you.

[angela89]

Thanks for all your responses; they're all very helpful.

 

In addition, just 2 weeks before he broke up with me, I had brought up that seeing other people may not be a bad idea because I noticed that were having more and more arguments. He thought I was actually breaking with him, became devistated, and convinced me that just because things get rough doesn't mean we give up. I completely agreed and stayed. Then he pulls this move for the exact same reasons...kinda of hypocritical no?

[waveseer]

He is not making it through the highly uncomfortable period right after you break up with someone you're comfortable with. He questions his decision to end it after feeling the agony of being without you. My advice is to leave him alone until he can make a decision and stick with it. You don't need the stress of the back and forth.

[Puckdog27]

Thanks for all your responses; they're all very helpful.

 

In addition, just 2 weeks before he broke up with me, I had brought up that seeing other people may not be a bad idea because I noticed that were having more and more arguments. He thought I was actually breaking with him, became devistated, and convinced me that just because things get rough doesn't mean we give up. I completely agreed and stayed. Then he pulls this move for the exact same reasons...kinda of hypocritical no?

 

Hypocritical? no. Juvenile and self serving? Yes.

 

How many times will you assume he doesnt mean it until he actually means it is the question you have to ask yourself

[lostnscared]

My bf had a similar issue or I should say my "ex". He would break up or take a break with me on "emotion"--usually extreme anger or frustration with something I did that just magnified it and then only come to back a week later, apologizing, wanting me back etc. Each time(it happened roughly 3-4 times at this point) I would take him back. Always because I felt guilty because each time the break-up or break was a result of something I did 1. abortion behind his back 2. lying about other guys and lying constantly 3. drinking too much and having to go to the hospital. 4. and the most recent? Drinking and having too much pot and going to the hospital.

 

Needless to say each time he acted on pure emotions and impulse and after realizing his actions regretted it and then tried to come back. And because of guilt and my love for him and weakness I took him back.

 

But I honestly think that in these situations the BEST thing to do is not allow them to come back as quickly and as soon. I say this because when you do, you'll see(like I saw) that they'll continue to do it and a cycle will begin(which appears to already be happening in your case). If you want to end the cycle and get it to stop. You have to let him know that in no uncertain terms will you get back with him "anytime soon until he works out whatever let him to break up with you in the first place" that he "cannot just break up with you whenever he feels like it or on emotion and get back with you when he's ready" and that you will "no longer tolerate it. and if it happens again it's done for good and you will not look back" then tell him that "you think that he needs time to think about it and when he's made up his mind that he wants be to committed to you and not play games, to give you a call".

 

That is what I did to my bf.

 

Good luck.

[woodst0ck]

We all say things in haste and sometimes out of anger. If this is the first time and you want to stay, give him a second chance, but remind him up front if he says it again you will assume he means it. Otherwise it becomes a control issue as a way to win and avoid compromise I.e. when he isn't getting his way he will break up with you knowing you will take him back

 

 

I agree with this sentiment completely. If you truly love him and you he's made it clear that he loves you and regrets his actions, consider giving him another chance. There's a good chance this break has made it real to him not to do it again.

 

Definitely use the opportunity to find out what is really bothering him and get it out in the open. Don't get lost in the emotion of getting him back... Talk to each other.

 

As someone else said, everyone makes mistakes. The worst thing that can happen is that we don't learn from them.

[Man on mMssion]

I agree with the advice here. See my story if you want to see a flash forward of anger issues not getting resolved.

 

 

 

The faster he realizes this, the faster he can fix and improve himself.

[thankyou]

Thanks for all your responses; they're all very helpful.

 

In addition, just 2 weeks before he broke up with me, I had brought up that seeing other people may not be a bad idea because I noticed that were having more and more arguments. He thought I was actually breaking with him, became devistated, and convinced me that just because things get rough doesn't mean we give up. I completely agreed and stayed. Then he pulls this move for the exact same reasons...kinda of hypocritical no?

i dont think it's very hypocritical.. i think that possibly means he hadnt really healed from being "devistated that you 'broke up' with him" and wanted to maybe be in control more, so he did it to you... maybe to see how'd you react, expecting that you also would say that "you needed to stay together". It's highly likely that he wanted you to be the one this time to ssay "NO" so that he knew whether or not you actually had agreed with him that it was good to stay together or whether you actually still wanted to break up....

he may of been testing you. Everyone wants their significant other to care about them, and be hurt without them. its only normal. Then again, i could be wrong. Maybe it really was just a moment of weakness. It's something you can think about.

 

Let us know what happens!

[angela89]

Man...the issues here just get deeper and deeper.

 

@thankyou: I don't think he was testing me to "see how I like it". When he told me his reasons for breaking up, I actually agreed for the most part, rather than saying "No, we need to work through this". So in that moment, I was quite willing to let him break up with me without much fight.

 

Bad sign isn't it?

 

@ lostandscared: So you're saying that I should let him sweat it out to "teach him a lesson"?

[Puckdog27]

@ lostandscared: So you're saying that I should let him sweat it out to "teach him a lesson"?

 

What if you let him sweat it out and he decides he sweat long enough and moves on? Or he never learns the lesson and does it again?

 

Dont play games. You want to stay in the relationship then you COMMUNICATE like adults. You simply tell him that you accept that he didnt mean it BUT YOU BOTH need to realize that saying "ITS OVER" has consequences whether you mean it or not. Its no longer a meaningless option. These words are never to be said again by EITHER PARTY unless it is truly meant, and hearing said words is agreed upon that the relationship is over.

 

Define the consequences of the behaviour clearly and up front, that way he (and you) have full disclosure on the possible fall out the next time there is thought of playing the break up card.

 

Or let him beg and claw. I wouldnt beg and claw, but Im not your boyfriend. Maybe he will.

[lostnscared]

Man...the issues here just get deeper and deeper.

 

@thankyou: I don't think he was testing me to "see how I like it". When he told me his reasons for breaking up, I actually agreed for the most part, rather than saying "No, we need to work through this". So in that moment, I was quite willing to let him break up with me without much fight.

 

Bad sign isn't it?

 

@ lostandscared: So you're saying that I should let him sweat it out to "teach him a lesson"?

 

I'm saying that if he tried to break up with you then it happened for a reason. What the reason--who really knows? But nonetheless he broke up with you, regretted it and then came back. If he made that decision, something caused him to and it's important that he identifies what it is and MAKES sure that he is actually wanting to be with you and not just trying to come back because he is scared.

Typically people don't make those types of decisions (break up/break) unless they feel it's necessary. And two hours later I find it hard to believe that he all of the sudden had an ephiphany and decided to take you back. Something *bothered* him and he needs to work through it and honestly that requires space.

No you don't have to make him sweat it out nor is this really teaching him a lesson. It's more along the lines of being cautious about how your approach the situation, making sure that he is sure, and also letting him know that under no certain terms will you allow him to break up with you again only for him to take it back and pretend like the emotional havoc he caused was not a big deal.

[lostnscared]

It's not playing games at all to tell him that he needs to figure out why he broke up with her, that he cannot dump her when he feels like it, cause emotional havoc and then come to her hours later saying it was "mistake". THAT is play games and is not the action of mature adult. If something led him to break it off with her, then he needs to figure out what it is and work through it. Coming back two hours later, more likely is a reflex to being scared and doubtful about his decision and isn't nearly enough time for him to really have thought through why he made the decision and if he can still be with her. Giving him time to decide if he wants to REALLY be with her is really just protecting both of them from wasting time in the future. Additionally if she lets him know that she won't tolerate it, that he caused her pain, and that he needs to take some time to think about it and only call her with the intent to commit then he DOES know exactly what she means.

 

No one is saying he has to beg her. But rather, instead of him being an emotional wreck and coming back based on fear, he come back with a clear head, with a well-thought out decision. It is at that point that if he wants to be with her they can work it out.

 

Of course this is my opinion.

[Puckdog27]

It's not playing games at all to tell him that he needs to figure out why he broke up with her, that he cannot dump her when he feels like it, cause emotional havoc and then come to her hours later saying it was "mistake".

 

Yes, thats what we both said, I agree totally.

 

No one is saying he has to beg her. But rather, instead of him being an emotional wreck and coming back based on fear, he come back with a clear head, with a well-thought out decision. It is at that point that if he wants to be with her they can work it out.

 

Of course this is my opinion.

 

But the point your missing is this one -

 

So in a nut shell:

So now its been 2 weeks, we're "on a break" because i don't know what to do. The ball is completely in my court, so its up to me now to make or break this off. I'm very much in love with him, and he's crazy in love with me and will do anything to get me back.

 

 

She's given in 2 weeks to calm down, its time to have the conversation.

[lostnscared]

Yes, thats what we both said, I agree totally.

 

 

 

But the point your missing is this one -

 

 

 

She's given in 2 weeks to calm down, its time to have the conversation.

 

Yep I missed that LOL.

 

Okay well then at this point. It's time for her to make a decision on whether or not she is interested in giving him a chance again. If yes, then she does need to call him before he moves on. If no, then she needs to let him. And if she still doesn't know--then she needs to let him know that so that he can decide if he wants to wait for her to figure out or not.

[angela89]

So...i've decided to give him a second chance.

 

To be honest, I think a 2 week break is quite short; but I'm happy to give this a chance even though things are so uncertain.

 

I feel like I need to reign him in already. It seems like he's so eager to jump back into the previous "lovey-dovey relationship" mode. But really, that's way too much for me at once and I need to take things sloooooooow. But all he says is "I want things back the way they were"; somehow I don't think he grasps the idea that things will never be exactly the same after this fiasco...

[Puckdog27]

somehow I don't think he grasps the idea that things will never be exactly the same after this fiasco...

 

Then you need to communicate to him and ask him to understand that relationships that stay stagnate are doomed to fail. This an evolutionary step in your relationship, he can either evolve or become extinct.

[angela89]

We just had our one year anniversary. Things are going well, and the breakup almost never comes up in conversation.

 

Sometimes I still go over the event in my head when I have time to myself, and there is a little piece of me inside that still feels resentment towards him for what he did. I understand that it was a mistake, and he's only human, but I can't help but feel it.

 

How do I get past this?

 

I hope this thread isn't too old to get picked up again!

[Spawn]

You should be ready!!! thats all you need to do.

 

Is there anything you might have left to concentrate on your relationship, may be academically or probably picking up an instrument...say a guitar.

 

Its fun in short get on to somethin thats new and fresh....but u need to be really serious about this.

 

Time and new memories help heal us.