Weird break-up: solutions?

[Incar]

Hello everyone,

 

I cut to the chase at once.

 

Me: 28 years old

She: 24 years old

 

I had a relationship for 3 years. A couple of months ago, she had the opportunity to go abroad. I supported this, because I knew she really wanted this. And I had to work.

 

We kept contact on skype and I visited her once. No problem here. Basically, the relationship was solid, we even agreed this experience wouldn't change a thing between us. We had a healthy sexual relationship and were always very open in our communication. We always gave eachother personal space.

 

She stayed abroad for 3 months. When she came back, she was continuously talking about her experience. Every second. I have no problems with this, I was genuisly happy for her. Her parents and brother became angry the first day, just because she was stating everything abroad was more important. The next day, she tried to make me angry, again and again. I tried to handle this situation in a very mature way. After a couple of days, she dropped the bomb: our relationship was finished.

 

I know she only made this decision in a couple of weeks.

 

She gave me a very weird explanation: stating she wants to live like a gispy, having no obligations at all. She hopes her new job would give her this, which is also weird, because it is a very demanding one. She openly stated her experience abroad was the real life. We, like every couple, had some different opinions on minor practical things. But now she is completely blowing it out of proportion. I apologised and showed her I was willing to change those things. She ignored this, now suddenly saying these things had no relevance. First, she said she changed, but now of a sudden she is blaming me with whatever reason she can think of.

 

She changed her attitude several times: first wanting to be friends, now asking for personal space. But she is still texting me with just silly things. In those 14 days after the break-up, she was angry, happy and depressed. She is still talking about her experience to everyone, non stop. In the meanwhile, she tries to contact those people she met abroad every day. She is crashing every party, being drunk and trying to be popular. Also, she is constantly sending me indirect messages on facebook, showing I'm the bad guy. She stated I could not understand her, but at the same time she refuses to talk about her switch of mentality. I try to maintain low profile.

 

A couple of days ago, I saw her by accident. She tried to run away, hiding behind people. My friend saw this, and just forced her to say hi. She was completely confused, couldn't say a thing. She gave us a kiss and ran away, almost being ran over by a car. She was completely disorientated. I just showed a smile and said hi and asked in a very neutral way how she was doing.

 

I know for certain she would respond on every text message within seconds. I'm not doing this. In the meanwhile, she is trying to show she is very confident. Which she is not.

 

I would gratefully accept any practical tips how not to ruin my chances to make things right.

[DN]

Stay away unless and until she gets her head together. And assume she means what she says and that the relationship is really over, start the healing process and then move on to someone else. If she changes her mind, you can decide what you want to do then.

[Incar]

Update:

 

she is still communicating, but freezed when she discovered I did not talk about the break-up and I told her I was completely happy with the situation. She also denies her weird behaviour, giving a weak explanation.

[DN]

I think your best plan is to move on.

[Incar]

I moved on. The problem is she is being completely weird. Showing herself to the outer world she's completely confident, but flips when she sees me by accident or when I'm just being neutral casual with a joke or 2.

[bwhite00]

Is she on meds? Anti-depressants? Anti-anxiety?

 

Her behavior sounds quite strange to be honest. But it sounds to me like you're taking the whole situation like a champ... However painful it may be on the inside.

[Incar]

No, little background to help.

 

Until she was 18, she didn't have much friends, very unpopular. She even did self-mutulation. Very depressed.

 

When she went to university, she said she changed herself completely. She showed herself very confident, even bossy to people. She banned her parents out of her emotional life. Also, she is very moody. She can really be charming, but also very aggressive when things don't go her way. She has the urge to be completely stubborn about her decisions, she refuses to accept her faults. She avoids people who don't believe her story and stick to people who are supportive.

 

She told me she wanted to prepare herself for her academic career, but actually she didn't visit the library since the break-up.

 

I know she didn't think this one through, just catching the moment and thinking she doesn't need me. She is very defensive when someone tries to talk sense into her, even trying to hurt those people. She called me some ugly things, which she never did before.

 

I'm still very passive, just showing I'm alright. Now she has mixed feelings, "is she the one being dumped or did she dumped me". This is just because of the fact I didn't talk about the relation the last 10 days. Basically, I showed I'm in control. And she hates it.

 

And she can't handle any humor to make the situation somewhat more down to earth. Which is weird, because my greatest attraction to women is my sense of humor.

[Incar]

link removed

[Incar]

She's completely mental. She told me the most aweful things, I just wanted my stuff back and a little talk about how she felt in our relationship. She told me she didn't respect me, I'm obsessed, social unable to communicate, I wouldn't find another woman, etc ... Also she burnt my parents and my best friend to the ground.

 

The girl has clearly issues I never have seen before in all those years.

 

Thanks for the advice.

[Incar]

Update.

 

We met, we had a great time. Her body language was clear: playing with hair, playing with juwelry, eye contact, touching herself, ... The meeting was short and enjoyable. She was clearly impressed, not mentioning anything that happened the last couple of weeks.

 

I sent a short confusing message: she doesn't know exactly if I'm flirting or not. Now I'm going for NC for 10 days.

 

What do you think?

 

Ps. She was just angry because I didn't keep my manners during my visit abroad. That is the subtext of the whole thing.

[sadcomposer]

Be VERY careful. She sounds like she has a personality disorder. Check out "Borderline Personality Disorder" on google. Here is a link to an article that opened my eyes.

 

link removed

 

Good luck.

[Incar]

The thought crossed my mind more than once. I also did research. The question is, do borderline people really try please people by giving them gifts? I mean, she is really spoiling her brother and one longtime friend.

[Puckdog27]

I think its in your best interests to move on from this one, although I can already see you arent going to anytime soon. If you dont, you will soon look back at what those of us here have said and ask yourself "Why didnt I listen???"

[Incar]

Perhaps. But now I didn't have a chance. Now I'm trying to create one. If I blow it, its my own fault. I'm pretty sure I'm still under her skin. I have to create a new emotional attachment.

 

I'm going to use all my skills as a player. I never really tried to find a longtime relationship until I met her. So basically, it's not just a "need". It was a choice. And I'm still standing by my choice. I'm now in a total other game, namely the first opening moves in the dating circuit with my ex. The fact I could analyse her in an objective way, says a lot. I'm not emotional about her, but rather to figure out how to overcome her doubts.

 

In a second or a third date, I'm just going to try to kiss her. Everything or nothing. Go for the kill.

[Puckdog27]

Perhaps. But now I didn't have a chance. Now I'm trying to create one. If I blow it, its my own fault. I'm pretty sure I'm still under her skin. I have to create a new emotional attachment.

 

I'm going to use all my skills as a player. I never really tried to find a longtime relationship until I met her. So basically, it's not just a "need". It was a choice. And I'm still standing by my choice.

 

You cant create a chance

[Incar]

Sure you can.

 

You have limited cards to play, you just need to play them right. She still likes me in a physical way, now it's time to get emotional connected. If I didn't see any signs, I would just let her go. This is not the case.

 

And she can't read me at the moment. Which is a huge advantage. The fact is, in her own mind, she felt neglected. And she was very pissed about that.

[Puckdog27]

Sure you can.

 

You have limited cards to play, you just need to play them right. She still likes me in a physical way, now it's time to get emotional connected. If I didn't see any signs, I would just let her go. This is not the case.

 

And she can't read me at the moment. Which is a huge advantage. The fact is, in her own mind, she felt neglected. And she was very pissed about that.

 

Its not a game. You cant create a chance. She can GIVE you a chance, but nothing you can do can make her give you one.

[Incar]

I received a message from her brother: she had a great time.

[Incar]

Talked to her best friend: he admitted she could be borderline.

Goddamned.