Wife constantly threatening suicide.

[Unreasonable]

Ok, not constantly maybe, but several times a year.

 

If I die, she'll commit suicide. If I cheat on her, she'll commit suicide. If I leave her, she'll commit suicide. Hell sometimes even if it's something she strongly dislikes.

 

She won't see a therapist because she has in the past and said it doesn't help. She won't take anti-depressants because they make her unable to sleep (and she takes medications to sleep), and if she can't sleep she's suicidal.

 

Her rationale is "Hey, I've gone X years talking about this and haven't done it yet, so I probably won't." She has never actually hurt herself in any way, and that's pretty much the only way I could ever get her hospitalized and treated.

 

She has had a few relatives that have committed suicide, so she's convinced it's a genetic predisposition. She can never relate to her living, successful relatives, only the suicidal ones. She has a goal of making it past my son's 15th birthday because that's how old her dad was when his mom committed suicide.

 

I knew about the suicides in her family when we were dating and married her anyway because she never talked like that, but this is really getting to be a bit much to handle. I don't want to leave her, but I feel like I couldn't even if I wanted to. I'm reminded of the story of a guy who robbed a bank so he could get sent to prison because his wife kept threatening suicide if they got divorced. It's kind of a funny story, but I can totally relate to that guy!

 

I love my wife, and totally feel for her, but this talk just totally demoralizes me and makes me not want to be around her. But I can't say don't talk about it, ya know? I just feel like I am the one responsible for her life and death, and it's unfair! I know its her choice, but damn!

 

What can I do?

[Guest]

The only one responsible for her life and death is her. You are her relationship partner, not her therapist, not her guardian, or mentor. This boils down to the tough love, reality situation, that is hard to take but courageous and correct.

 

If you feel she is doing nothing to make things right, since there is a problem. Then you need to let go, because this, as you said hurting your health now. You need to think for yourself too.

 

This is a weapon she is using as well because she knows you won't leave. It's terrible, I apologize, but I don't feel sorry for people who need help and wont take it.

 

ps. Good luck! I can't say I've ever had to make such a decision in life.

[rosephase]

Your wife and you should see a therapist. For both of you. She might say it won't work for her and that she has done it all before but she should be willing to at least try for you and for your marriage. My guess is she doesn't know how what she is saying effects you (which isn't you fault she probably just doesn't past her own thoughts about death to how they might be hurting you and her family)

 

Honestly in your position I would say that therapy is a must. You need someone to talk to and you need help making sure she can hear you. What she is saying is really selfish and she needs help understanding why it hurt and scares you.

[Dinka]

Just because a therapist didn't "work" for your wife the first time around, it doesn't mean that it won't work the second time around. Every professional in the world is different, and professionals in therapy are no exception.

 

In my UNprofessional opinion, it sounds like your wife has become numb to the idea of what suicide truly is for those around her such as yourself, who have not had as much of an experience with the concept. That is another problem in itself - she needs to understand the gravity of what she's saying, and it sounds like she doesn't.

 

Therapy is needed here, for the both of you. I suggest starting with an experienced marriage counselor, which may be a good way to address the situation and then perhaps segue into more intense therapy if needed. Let your wife know that you want to see a marriage counselor BECAUSE you value the relationship and you value her, not because you're using it as a last resort for a broken marriage.

[FarthestEdge]

I'd tell her right out the next time....

 

"You know I love you, and I want you to be happy. But I won't be held hostage to your threats. If you choose to end your life, it's not my fault, or my responsibility- so stop threatening it at every turn because all it achieves is to make me anxious, angry and resentful of what seems to be attempts to manipulate me. Whether or not that is your intent, it is how it is perceived...

 

However, if you find the strength in you to face your demons and want to learn to live a life without constantly thinking that if life throws you any curveballs, you will just implode on yourself, then I will support you in that journey. But it is up to you to decide that you want to do something about it, and to take the first steps.

 

Until you do, save your breath, because every time you utter that phrase in front of me, I am going to walk away, and take some time for myself to allow you some time to regroup your thoughts into a more reasonable perspective."

 

Then do it. The second she utters those words, just look at her stone faced and walk out. She is holding you hostage, and being melodramatic. She continues to do it because there is something in your reaction that rewards it....so stop rewarding it.

 

But do stress that you want her to get help so SHE can be happy, and you want to support her in that.

 

Also- I hope to God that she doesn't say this in front of your child(ren). Frankly that is emotional abuse if she is, and she's teaching her child(ren) that suicide is a viable option....Which is a really, really bad idea to plant in the mind of a confused, frustrated teenage boy (they're all confused and frustrated at some point, aren't they?)

[Guest]

If none of it works, then what is the point? Just tell her you can't stay if she doesn't want to get the help she should get

[doityourself]

Can I ask, does she get your attention when she says this? Do you think shes trying to grab and keep your attention.

 

I ask because, when me and my H would argue, I would say I want a divorce, not meaning it, but knowing that I would get his attention, that he would hear what I was saying.

 

My H also has asked me to stop saying it, he explained how it made him feel and I have stopped cause I see how much it hurt him.

[Unreasonable]

Thanks for all the replies so far. Just to clarify, I do NOT think she's doing this just to manipulate me, or as an empty threat, or to get my attention. The reason I know this is because she talks about suicide to her friends. And she wonders why she doesn't have many friends! She's like Debbie Downer on 'roids.

 

I liked the advice about insisting she see a therapists because she obviously hasn't found the right one yet, I'll say that next time. Not quite ready to give a hard ball speech and walk away yet, though I'll keep that in mind. Very well worded. Thanks again for the replies so far.

[doityourself]

Not quite ready to give a hard ball speech and walk away yet

 

Your a good man, I hope she gets the help she needs, have you told her about this site, maybe it could help her out.

[FarthestEdge]

Thanks for all the replies so far. Just to clarify, I do NOT think she's doing this just to manipulate me, or as an empty threat, or to get my attention. The reason I know this is because she talks about suicide to her friends. And she wonders why she doesn't have many friends! She's like Debbie Downer on 'roids.

 

.

 

Well, even if she says it to her friends, the fact is it is either

 

a) Attention getting behaviour- She likes the pity and attention and concern every well-meaning person thrusts upon her

 

or

 

b) A cry for help.

 

However, since she has never escalated to any attempts at self-harm in all these years, I am inclined to believe that it is a)

 

She has been taught by her family, that suicide is an option when life gets tough. She has to decide it is NOT an option. That starts with not throwing it out there as a flippant remark in response to any hypothetical situation she doesn't like. Plus, make no mistake, when she tells you if you die/cheat/leave she will kill herself, she IS sending you a message, and you are getting it- because you feel responsible to prevent that. And I am guessing you constantly reassure her you will NEVER cheat/leave when she says this? If so, you are REINFORCING to her, that this is how to force you to say what she wants to hear...

 

Perhaps if you TELL her this affects YOU and your perception of your relationship, she may reconsider counselling..Also- if you want to get her into counselling, perhaps tell her you love her, but this is a major issue for YOU, and ask her to attend marriage counselling WITH YOU, so you can work on it together..You going with her may help get her through the door. A counsellor may facilitate you in impressing upon her that these outburst are damaging your relationship...

 

Whatever you do, I suggest you stop accepting it. How you do that is up to you, but don't let her say it without addressing it, even if it is to say "I don't know what you expect me to say to that?"

 

Good luck to you.

[doityourself]

you always have such good advice, FE I totally agree. Once my H said stop talking about divorce unless you really mean it, I stopped it woke me, I knew I was hurting his feelings.

[sand dollar]

Maybe take her out to dinner and treat her really really good and then when she is in a good mood have a heart to heart and tell her how much you LOVE her,but that the talk about suicied is really hurting you. Then after the talk do somethign very romantic and reinforce how much you LOVE and NEED her. She may just need some TLC and romance. Make her as happy as you can and try to see if there is a change.Then try to do this once or teice a month and she is that gets her needs for attention and romance met ,instead of the other way.