Overcoming the fact that you didn't 'learn' about dating and relationships in your 20's

[shyguy1]

I usually end up being too long winded for my own good, so going to instead keep this short and sweet... at least by my standards.

 

Topic is fairly self explanatory, I've seen people reference the fact on more than one thread that they are more prepared and ready for dating and relationships in their 30's.. due in part to what they were able to live and learn throughout their 20's.

 

Now then I'm not only asking this question for myself, but for others on here as well who are similar situations... as I've sensed a core group of people.. myself of course being one, who have little to no dating and relationship history and in some cases are approaching the age of 30.. and in some cases like mine have already eclipsed it.

 

It's safe to assume the lack of experience, both in dating and relationships as a whole works to our disadvantage. We tend to not know the best way to get dates, nor do we tend to know the best way to maintain relationships and how to keep them healthy and happy.

 

Does anyone have any tips for those of us, who would more or less be starting from a clean slate, while competing against those who have been there.. done that time and time again and know the best ways to not only score dates, but turn them into long time nurturing relationships.. assuming of course that's what they desire?

 

quick edit:

 

Yes I've mentioned numerous times on here how hopeless I feel when it comes to relationships, dating and most importantly love. I still do for the most part... there is that tiny little shred of hope though and that's what I'm clinging to at this point and thus the topic.

[scheme00]

PM me buddy and ill give you my email. Ill help you out...not to be pompous but i cant keep women off of me. I have worked in many bars and see everything guys do wrong and what they do right. Its not that difficult...95% is confidence.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Don't confuse having lots of dates and girlfriends with knowing how to maintain relationships and keep the other person happy. It is not how many dates and relationships you have which determine if you can keep a relationship going and happy down the line...it is down to the character of the person and whether or not they have actually LEARNED from their mistakes. In many cases people don't LEARN from their mistakes and they repeat the same bad behaviours in every single relationship causing those relationships to end. Before having serial relationships was in vogue, many men and women met and married their one and only partner and actually did live happily ever after. There are many male and female losers when it comes to relationships despite the fact that they are never short of dates and always seem to be in one relationship or another. There is a very big difference between being successful at FINDING people to date and have relationships with...and actually being successful while IN a relationship. You have just as much chance of making your first relationship a success as anyone with 10 relationships under the belt.

[bulletproof]

When you start dating is irrelevant. Everyone is different. Some people marry the first person they date. Some people are serial daters throughout their lives and never end up with one person. Experience has very little to do with it.

 

Either way, you have to overcome this fact of no experience, because it just is. You can't change it, so what's the purpose in lamenting it and fixating on it? The point is to live in the present and always be moving forward. The future hasn't happened yet, but it seems that you're stuck in the past.

[LightbulbSun]

I agree with bulletproof.

 

I don't think that the fact that I've never been on a date, or kissed, or had sex, makes me any way inferior to the guys that have. I mean, players...seriously? They have lots of experience with women, yet they can't keep a relationship, even if they try. I think I'm much better off than someone who is a player, and jumps from woman to woman.

 

And after all, all I want is one good woman. If I meet her later in life, that doesn't matter, because it doesn't matter when I meet that girl, just as long as I've met her (and I'm not 60 years old by the time I do!)

 

I look a lot like you, OP (well, facially; I have long hair now and am growing out a beard, so I do look different now), but I think your problem is that you haven't changed up your appearance. I'm not attacking you, btw, but you have an unattractive hairstyle, and you look like a 15 year old boy. Try doing what I'm doing, experiment with different hairstyles, and consider growing out a beard. And also smiling...you're not smiling in your pic. I don't know how much you smile, but it does make a difference in how much girls are attracted to you.

[shyguy1]

I look a lot like you, OP (well, facially; I have long hair now and am growing out a beard, so I do look different now), but I think your problem is that you haven't changed up your appearance. I'm not attacking you, btw, but you have an unattractive hairstyle, and you look like a 15 year old boy. Try doing what I'm doing, experiment with different hairstyles, and consider growing out a beard. And also smiling...you're not smiling in your pic. I don't know how much you smile, but it does make a difference in how much girls are attracted to you.

 

That picture is actually a good three plus years old, my last digital camera was stolen and I never took the time or wanted to spend the money to get a new one.

 

You aren't attacking me, but I look like a 15 year old boy and have an unattractive hairstyle.. um okay. (or well had, as again that's an old picture)

 

I grew out a beard for a period and had to fight with work, since the company dress code states no facial hair other than a well groomed mustache. (they are willing to forgo the rules to a certain extent, but my beard was a bit much.. especially being a member of management and they were never happy with it)

 

Truth be told I still look younger than what I am, will be 31 in November... but still get people telling me I look like I'm in my late teens/early 20's.... not my fault I look young, certainly didn't ask to.

 

As for smiling, sorry not going to happen until I get cosmetic dentistry. My teeth suck and my smile is goofy as heck and honestly is likely a turn off if anything (if you saw my goofy arse smile you would understand) It's also hard to smile if you are depressed and hate life, both things that apply to my case... Though again I refuse to apologize for either one, I didn't want things to be this way and wish that they weren't.

[easyguy]

I look at it two ways (from a not-so-shy guy), and I think it's beneficial to consider:

 

On one hand , you can go through life and not date and maybe meet a lady that is looking for something long-term , like marriage. You see each other and if all works out , you get seriously involved and may get married , granted she desires the same. Life goes on and you are enjoying marital bliss. (Mind you , that is a very blunt version of that side)

 

On the flip side , short-term dating is an excellent way to know what you look for in a partner as well as have fun while you're at it. I disagree that one who moves from woman to woman is a "player". A guy who swiftly moves from one lady to another out of genuine interest in each woman is different than a guy who moves from one lady to the next just to get laid. Short-term dating doesn't necessarily need to involve sex. Flings , on the other hand , do.

 

Having a strong social network of friends and acquaintances is a natural way to meet new women and establish new connections. And not just having friends , but being out and about and staying visible. Out of sight , out of mind. If you're shy , it may take some time to get used to being out and in social environments , but you have to step out of your comfort zone.

[Stay_home]

Always, always, always learn from your mistakes and do not be afraid to take chances if an opporunity is available to you. Also know that not being involved or married is not always a reflection of the beholder. There are plenty of good single men and women in the world. People act like being single is a disease or something. It's only a status and while I'd love to have somebody as an addition to what I already have built in my life thus far, I know it's not the end of the world for me. The instant you can embrace that, you'll notice that more people are beginning to notice you. You'll feel so much better and it will show.

[cpc28655]

You are generalizing too much. It doesn't really matter when you start. Most of my 20's were spent in a very very bad marriage. In a way I'm having to start all over. And I thought smoking was going to kill me, lol.

[gixxerdude]

the only thing you can do is try, and learn from the mistakes you make..its sort of like asking "can anyone tell me how to interact with people?"..you can give suggestions , but really the only way your going to learn how to be comfortable around girls is to..get yourself around girls..you'll probably embarrass yourself at times, but oh well, everyone does that..

 

probably some dating books out there that could maybe give you some hints i would think

 

good luck

[bulletproof]

It's also hard to smile if you are depressed and hate life, both things that apply to my case... Though again I refuse to apologize for either one, I didn't want things to be this way and wish that they weren't.

 

If you are depressed and hate life, I think that is a much bigger problem to address than any lack of dating experience. I would date a happy, interesting guy who participates in life, but has little dating experience, versus a very experienced guy who's really negative.

[LightbulbSun]

If you are depressed and hate life, I think that is a much bigger problem to address than any lack of dating experience. I would date a happy, interesting guy who participates in life, but has little dating experience, versus a very experienced guy who's really negative.

 

I agree with this. I think most women would react this way:

 

Happy, positive person in his 30's who has never had a first kiss or any dating experience, but is kind, pleasant to be around, and has a background = datable

Unhappy, negative bitter person in his 30's who never smiles and has never had a first kiss or any dating experience = undatable

 

It's all in the context, man. There are women out there who would hold it against you, but you don't want them, anyway.

[YakasJourney]

The fact that you are depressed and hate life is the core issue, which has LED to you not having relationship experience. Have you seriously examined your own psyche at all?