is there no hope?

[jerwei]

hi, i'm new here. hope to get some advice for my sticky situation.

 

well, me n my ex broke up 4 months ago. he tried to break up with me twice, but both times i managed to persuade him to come bac. but our relationship was never the same. in the end, due to the stress, i asked to separate. n i'v been regretting every single day of my life.

 

for the past few months, i'v been trying to patch up with him.n he keeps telling me to leave him alone. well, i found this website kinda late.didnt apply the NC "rule". i try to talk to him, he gives me the cold shoulder, hangs up the fone on me etc. so far we'v only met once for lunch. n it was quite bad cos i asked him to give me another chance again....

 

hes more willing to talk to me nowadays.but all his words are so provoking, piercing and insensitive to me. he says things like "i have no more feelings for you, we will NEVER get bac together, theres only a slight chance we can be frens, i'v tried to get those feelings back but failed".....

 

despite all these, i feel he stil has feelings for me. twice he asked to break up, he cried. to me, its a clear reflection that he has feelings for the r/s. when i asked him y he cried, he told me he didnt know n its prob cos we were tog for a year. yet that was the exact reason he told me was NOT a reason for us to try anymore...

 

i really duno wat i can do. he jz keeps telling me never never never.but i still do see a future in us. it wasnt a bad r/s.

 

any advice?

 

thank you.......

[Dreng3333]

May I just say: Welcome to this wonderful site, Im sure you will love it here.

 

Anyway, on to your question. Under no circumstances do I want to sound incensetive. However, it sounds to me that he genuinely does not want a relationship with you right now.

 

I would give it time, if you still really want to be with him. I think he might feel suffocated by all the attention you are giving him. I would wait a while. Let him clear his head. Then ask if he would be interested in going to lunch or something. Then there could be a chance for a relationship.

 

Hope I could help.

[Mun]

Hello there!

I think you should do exactly what he has asked for : leave him alone. You have probably put alot of pressure and have even made him feel guilty for not wanting to be with you. If he still has feeling for you ( and he might) you are going to kill them by persuing him.

 

Let him have his space and you go out and have a good time without him. If he changes his mind he will come after you. You shouldn't chase him because it will seem like groveling for attention and you don't really want to do that Be strong and start NC today.

 

Take this time to do things you enjoy. Go out and try to have a good time.

[k33]

I know just how you feel. You have to realize that you will be ok without him. Truly believe it too. I am still stuck there myself. I am thinking will there never be another love, etc, my guy left on Friday and I am back and forth between wanting to call (I haven't) and wanting to never see him again, and relief and grief and all sorts of things.

 

I am hoping that soon I will see the light at the end of the tunnel. And that if he ever wants to get back it is on my terms not his. He has said all the same stuff to me, I think he might mean it, or he just felt trapped by situation (too long to go into... nutshell: he's from another country) or whatever, but there is no reason for him to talk to me (or you) that way.

 

My friend we both need to move on, if something comes up with the ex later and he is willing to be a partner, great, if not we need to have full lives, because if we don't it's not hurting him it's only hurting you (or me)

 

Try to feel good, I sound all tough, but I bawled my eyes out off and on all day today. God this hurts.

k33

[jerwei]

well i know its best to leave him alone.he himself said that....he also did say during and after the r/s that he wants to be my fren no matter wat.but now, he says theres only a SLIGHT chance we can be frens. thats very agonizing to hear. seems hes lying to me. maybe i have pushed and pressure him to that extent....i dunno...

 

i jz simply hate it that hes saying we will NEVER be tog again. seems like theres no leeway for me...yet he told me this "when u love something, learn to let it go. if it comes back, it is yours forever".now how does never n it coming back coincide together?

 

all he does all day is play computer games.only goes out when his frens ask him out. but he jz refuses to even see me...keeps telling me will see how, next time.......hmmmmmmmmm

 

i'm soo confused by his actions....sometimes its never.sometimes its maybe. !?!

[shellysue]

OK, I'm probably a lot older than you, so I'm going to give you some GREAT advice...

 

Go out with your friends, make yourself look pretty as if you're always on your way out to a date or somewhere fun, join a club, start a new hobby, take some extra dance or art or mechanics classes!! Just go out there and fill your time with great things to do.

 

And when you see him, bump into him or whatever ... say a cheery 'Hi! Wow, I'd love to chat for a minute but I'm so busy/have friends waiting/just can't'.

 

That will make you a more attractive person. It will certainly make him realise that you have a life OUTSIDE of him, that you're not pining for him and crying at home waiting for him to call. Guys REALLY don't like that. AND it will make you feel much more positive about yourself. You may even find that you stop missing him so much!

 

Worth a try?

[jerwei]

just wondering....n i need the male perspective here. y does a man cry when he asks for a break up? i would think it just shows he still feels for the r/s and the girl. would a man with no more feelings for the girl cry when he asks for a break up? twice it happened....

 

n even during one of the conversations we had abt 2 months ago, he cried while explaining to me the "mistakes" i made during our r/s.

 

he just keeps saying we'll never be together. i totally hate that word, never.seems like theres no leeway n theres no room for any compromise or recoucilation....how?

 

any advice/comments?

 

anw.i'm not tt young.22...o well...

[danimal77]

jerwei,

 

Okay, first step. GIVE HIM SPACE!!!! That is important. How can he miss you if you are always trying to keep in touch with him? The truth is, he can't. He will keep on taking you being there for him no matter what, for granted.

 

Another thing, FORGET ABOUT THE WORDS HE SPEAKS TO YOU!!!! Things in the nature of, if you love something, set it free and if it comes back to you.... My ex used those exact words to me, along with maybe we can be friends one day and there is always that possibility, BUT, it will be when I'm comfortable, not you!

 

I'll be honest with you, if you play your cards right with him and change your attitude towards him and in general a bit and not be so needy and forget about "COMPROMISING" and "LEEWAY". If you keep thinking about what's in it for you, I advise you get out of it completely then, because he'll always sense this in you and will always feel like it's going to be about you.

 

The fact is, he left YOU, not the other way around. It has to be about him now, if you want him back. You can persuade him until the cows come home, but they won't. I'm not saying to give up, because it can be done, but not this way.

 

Just to let you know, I'm a bit older than you (26) and my ex is 27 and she uttered the exact same things to me and it hurt. It cut so deep and only a month and a half later, she was talking about marriage again and babies and love isn't a strong enough word. Let him play his video games all day (btw, how old is he? Doesn't he work?) and let him miss you and if he is relieved you left him alone and he may be, that may not last forever either. Improve yourself and understand why he left you and why he is not coming back to you and it may start to make sense, that another strategy should be looked at. Better yourself and then approach him in a month or a month and a half, and when you do, DO NOT MENTION your feelings for him, or you miss him, because he will NEVER come back if you do that.

 

Peace,

 

Danimal

[fantasia2004]

Danimal

 

you can be harsh but to the point and and blunt and I hope which I assuming it does that your advice will work to advantage for past and future loves.

 

 

And to the author of this post, take it slow as everyone says have a life of your own. Go on and live and surely he will eventually catch on to what you are doing.

[danimal77]

Fantasia,

 

I didn't fully understand what you just said? Can you repeat that please? What was the message you were attempting at conveying to me?

 

Thanks,

[fantasia2004]

In other words your advice sounds a little harsh but you make valid points or am I miscontruing what you are say and how you say it?

 

 

No offense to of course.

[jerwei]

well hes 2 years older (24) n we'r still undergraduates. its the hols now, we'r both intern-ing.so hes playing online games during all his free time...

 

yeh, hes asked me to give him time, leave him alone. guess its extremely difficult to totally not cotact someone so close to heart.

 

but wats the point/purpose to give him time n leave him alone when he already told me we will NEVER get bac again. he was the one who said before that he wanted me to be his fren and in his life no matter wat. well that was said during the r/s. now, hes telling me theres only a slight chance we can be frens.

 

isnt it soooo annoying and frustrating? its like, hes lying to me....anw, he hasnt fallen for anyone....we'r both still single....reason for break up is tt he doesnt see a future in us, hes got no more feelings for me n tt our personalities clashed...anw, we were frens for 3 years, together for abt 1 year, 3 months...so theres definifely a basis/foundation in this r/s...jz don understand y its become like this...so depressing....

[Mun]

Jerwei, you can think and go over every single word he said and it will not make sense. At the time he said it he probably meant it, but somewhere down the road he must have felt that you were suffocating him and not giving him his space and so he said those hurtful things to you. Do you remember if you were that way? Did you try to push what you wanted on him?

 

He has asked for space now and the only way you have any chance of getting him back is if you give it to him. If he still cares for you ( and he may) then he will notice that you have changed and have stopped being so needy with him. This may get him to put his guard down and come after you. Try it !

 

The only way you will know if his feelings were sincere is to give both of you a break and back off a little. Come on girl you can do it !

[danimal77]

jerwei,

 

Listen to Muneca, she is right. I know it's frustrating, but imagine how he must be feeling. You cannot and should not try and force him right now, because in a sense, it will only validate his opinions he has of you.

 

When he says never, that may not be never. That may have been what he thought at the time, or maybe what you pushed him into saying, because you weren't respecting him, so he wanted to give you no hope.

 

When someone speaks that harshly, it's usually because there are hurt feelings involved. I've been on the receiving end of it and my ex, has had valid and justified reasons to have uttered the same things to me.

 

I still say give it time. I'm going on a month this Sunday and I have to tell you, I have grown and become a lot more confident since the day she left me and when I approach her in the future, whenever that may be, she won't be so quick to put up her defenses and run away. She'll know that I've been respecting her and that will be huge, if it already isn't.

 

Give it time and don't ask ANYTHING of him. When the time is right, listen to him, be supportive and be there and ask NOTHING and he will see a huge change in you and may be willing to reconsider, but you have to at least try this, without feelings of frustration. I know it's hard.

 

Look, I came back on here almost 4 weeks ago and started posting again on the 13th of June and all I did was talk about ME ME ME and now I have become a better listener and am offering advice and tryinng to help others. This to me is change and it is positive. If I can do this for others, I can do this for my ex now too, or at least she'll see I have it in me and so my point is, NC is for both him and for you. You will grow and you will become more independent and maybe he'll once again see in you, what he did when he fell in love.

 

Peace,

 

Danimal

[benevolent]

Do you really believe the things that you say or are you trying to convince yourself that you have changed and are a positive person? The only reason why I ask is that based on your attitude and demeanor when you got your ex back (for the 3rd time), you were this overly confident person who was gloating just a bit too much and you ended up falling to your own demise. If you had changed back then, what happened to the relationship to make it fail? Shouldn't the growth and changes have made you realize that your relationship perhaps isn't as great as you perceived or made it out to be? I think if you had truly changed and evolved as a person, then you wouldn't have fallen back here asking the same questions that a novice would. You would have learned lessons from the prior breakups and moved on. Having you ask - "what does this mean?" or to even freely admit that you snoop through her e-mail (where you act as if there is nothing wrong with that) suggests that maybe you need professional advice? Who knows what else you have done that has yet to be revealed. Sure, I and others may have been tempted to do similar things and have, but you have placed an obsession over it where it is beyond unhealty.

 

I'm also curious if you have really allowed yourself to heal because June 13 was not too long ago. I've been doing this for the last 7+ months and it was only recently that it hit me that I pretty much don't want my ex back in my life. I think it's when you reached that point where you have approached the healing stage. Have you even reached that point at all? Personally, I don't think so and I could be wrong. It's just that your scheming, snooping and talk of future meetings with your ex suggest something totally different.

 

Also, in that time there is a growth which does not involve my ex. I think this is the difference. All of my actions, thoughts, hopes do not include obsessions over my ex. Granted, I have thought about what it would be like to see her again and what would happen, but all of this personal growth is just that - personal; for me and not how it will make my ex regret or how it will win her back. IMO, she made a big mistake and left something that she probably won't experience again. I say tough. She left and I haven't chased after her. Sure, we talk over e-mail, but if she wants another chance, then she'll have to earn it. Period.

[danimal77]

Benevolent,

 

Good luck to you and all your future endeavors. I wish you all the best and keep doing what makes you happy and I will take the same advice for myself. I respect your opinion and what you want out of yourself and you life. Respect mine and if you don't, that's fine, but please my friend, make no further assumptions about my train of thought or whatever else it is you presume I am doing or thinking. You have no idea and furthermore, you have no right to do so. Do not judge me, for I will not judge you.

 

BTW, I have come a long way and no, it's not your way, it's my own.

 

Peace,

 

Danimal

[benevolent]

Have you ever asked yourself if you are in denial?

[danimal77]

Yes I have and apparently you think that I am and I've asked you not to judge me and furthermore, your condescending attitude is starting to aggravate me. Live your own life man and don't try and impose your narrow minded points of view on someone who is following through what makes him happy I am doing what I want to do for myself and that's not going to change, so as it stands, your thoughts and opinions and concern is no longer appreciated. What I choose to do with my life is not for you to judge. I don't care if you've healed in the last 7 months, or the last 7 years. If you feel that I am ready for a fall, well thanks, but I don't care man, plain and simple. I'm living for me and I will no longer have to justify that to you. Unless asked, I don't want your strong opinions about my life and what you feel I am doing wrong in it. Judge yourself and stop playing holier than thou.

 

Thanks

[benevolent]

Hey if what I say is too blunt then fine However, it's not to put you down, but maybe it ought to wake you up. I don't think I was the only one on this thread who thought what you were doing was wrong. We all come here for advice and opinions and as far as imposing them on people, you are one to talk. After all have you read your own postings? Sorry if all of this comes of as harsh, but you should really focus on a life without your ex. Everything that you've posted suggests scheming and manipulation to get your ex to notice you. Obviously it hasn't worked for you, which is why I think you ought to do some soul searching and fix who you are. Stop with all the bravado crap.

 

Like, I said earlier I admire your persistence and determination and would be happy for you if you got your ex back again. But let's all do it the right way.

 

BTW, what makes this woman the "one" for you? What makes her more special than anyone else? Have you ever told us that?

[danimal77]

benevolent,

 

Thank you for the wake up call. I will take everything you've told me into consideration.

 

Danimal